Would you/did you move away?

[LadyKopperberg]

I am considering a move, 4 hours drive away from here where the kids dad is. At the moment he has them every other weekend and alternate Wednesdays. I want to move because:

1: I live in a town that is full of drugs and drinking. It's quite a racist town, doesn't like outsiders. It has very few opportunities and I want to live somewhere where I can give the kids better opportunities.

1. I am currently studying. When I finish, work in my chosen path is extremely limited in this town. I am hoping to have a good career to help support my 4dc as they grow older.

1. My DP would have better work options. He would also be 4 hours closer to his daughter so when he moves in with myself and dc, it will mean he can maintain regular contact with his dd easier than he could here.

But moving would mean the kid wouldn't see their dad Barr holidays and possibly when there are long weekends.

Wwyd?

There is just no life where I am now.

I understand your desire to move - but not the 4 hours distance. I don't think I could do that to kids who have a relationship with their Dad.

How would the kids feel about it and how would their Dad react?

The kids are relatively young yet, aged 2-7. On light discussions in the past the older two have said their dad could visit. They are too young yet to really understand the ins and outs with moving.

I live at the top of Scotland and the move would be to Edinburgh. I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad but I just don't want them growing up here. A lot of the girls around here fall pregnant young, that's not said to be snobby I have lived here all my life and it's the way it is. I fell pregnant young myself. Also there is heavy drinking culture here, the 'city centre' consists of mostly pubs. The young men all tend to be heavily into cannabis (their father is a user) and other drugs. Most that do want to make something on themselves move to Edinburgh or Glasgow anyway. This town shuts down in the winter and even in the summer there just isn't a whole lot to do.

I personally don't want to live here either. It drags me down and depresses me. Their father however is happy here.

My DP lives at the bottom of England and is transferring work so he can move up. H has two children and I consider them as much as my own. If we were 4 hours down the road it means he can do weekends with his children too.

Great - so your dp can have weekends with his kids but not your kids father. I think it would be selfish to move & deny them regular contact with their father, but I do understand where you are coming from as regards wanting more opportunities for them..

No Helen, they could both have weekends my ex with the kids, he drives and has a car, and Dp with his daughter and son. I am not quite that terrible.

Tough one. I can see why you want to and how a move could open up more opportunities. I admire your ambition. Two things however: would you be considering the move if you didn't have a new dp? And how would your dc's father feel about it?

I'm separated myself and would love to leave. I just worry about the effect it would have on dd because even though she doesn't see her df all the time she'd really miss him.

If I wasn't with DP I would still want to move. I had my first child at 19 and then spent eight years so utterly miserable. After separating from stbxh I feel like I have a life again and I want it to be a happy one, for the kids and myself. My stbxh is as far as he is going to go in his career, he doesn't earn very much and when the kids are older I want to b in a position to support them financially. I would hate to do four years at college and end up in a low paid job because of the lack of opportunities up here. I know I am looking ahead but in today's climate I think it's important. As stated too, I just find this town so depressing. No one seems to have any sort of ambition.

The kids father would be devastated. He doesn't want to leave Inverness. But he has a weed addiction and has very little ambition himself. We haven't seen eye to we over the last year with various dangerous situations occurring when try have been in his time and his insistence on running me down to the kids but he does love them. I don't view it as a at enough move to mean there would have to be no contact though. I do want my kids to have. Relationship with their father.

Perhaps you could explain your reasons for moving to him? Explain you are doing it for the children and why the new area is so much better for then?

I think you also need to offer (and do) the majority of travelling, you need to be the one to drive them to his place 4 hrs away, most if not all the time. He shouldn't have to do the long journeys. You need to try and ensure he still has the same amount of contact. EOW anm half of holidays perhaps?

I dont think the issues such as teenage pregnancy will be a problems just yet. Why not wait til they are older/ nearer secondary age to make the move. Plus, even if you move with the kids they will still have their 2nd home in that area.

I want to move from where I am currently whether it be Edinburgh or a different area I town as this is the worst area of my town and dd1 has already been bullied at her school. She is undergoing ASD assessment and I don't rate her current school. If I am going to be moving anyways I would rather it be Edinburgh than move then move again iyswim.

I don't drive so couldn't offer to drive the kids to him. It wouldn't matter what I said he wouldn't want the move.

Plus he never believes I do anything for the good of the children.

Well, it isn't a huge surprise that he wouldn't want the move. The children would have to travel for 8 hours in a weekend, and him 16. Aside from the expense, you must realise that isn't really feasible. Although you say at one point that he could have weekends, in your initial post you are more realistic. So he is reduced to 'just visiting' and dragging them round a town centre, or seeing them a couple of times a year in holidays.

If he goes to court you would be expected to show how you would maintain their relationship, and currently your plan seems to be that, well, you won't.

I don't think you are being at all reasonable if you don't drive. You want to take his kids 4 hrs drive away an then expect him to do all the driving! He currently has them ever other weekend and every other Wednesday, you moving 4 hrs drive will be massively detrimental to their relationship with their father!

So what are you planning on proposing to him? You pay all his petrol? Pay for a hotel for him for when he drives down and visits the kids? Offering him your spare room to help facilitate visits?

Surely the whole of Inverness can't be rough? Can you move a short drive/bus ride away to a nicer part? You realise that bullying can happen in schools in Edinburgh and indeed any town, not just Inverness.

YOU wanting to move to Edinburgh isn't good enough reason to. You are taking your children away from their father. :(

It's not just about a nicer part. It's my career prospects here too. I have already said there is very limited employment opportunities here in my field. 4 hours isn't the other side of the world and it certainly means I would stand a better chance of providing for my kids in the future instead of doing a half arsed job with rubbish pay and being supported by benefits. Four kids cost a lot you know. Are you telling me there is something selfish about trying to do that for my kids?

In terms of stbxh seeing the kids I don't know, I haven't even got that far ahead hence asking if anyone had moved away and what they worked out. I would certainly pay petrol costs. I am also planning on learning to drive.

I would also add, slow cooker, if you had bothered to read my posts properly instead of patronising me, that the bullying comment was in reference to moving from the house I am in, not to do with moving to Edinburgh. I was explaining why I would be moving from here anyways. Don't talk to me like I don't have a brain please.

I think you are being defensive because in your heart of hearts you know we are right - you are moving to suit YOU & your new partner. What career are you aiming for?

Not at all helen, I don't appreciate the suggestion that I wouldn't know bullying happens in other places.

I am looking to do a degree in computing, starting college tomorrow. The IT jobs that come up here are few and far between.

And no, I am not considering it for just me at all.

How about waiting until you have your degree & then apply for specific jobs. By then the children will be older & could possibly go on the train or something to see their Dad. I think as well that it is easier when they are older to see dad less as they can use technology to keep in contact & they understand time more, so it won't feel so long between visits.

OP. I wasn't talking to you like you don't have a brain, just telling you what you already know, deep down.

Your kids do come first, we all put our kids first. Sometimes that involves putting our careers on hold until they are a little older.

I see you reasons for moving area and school, all seem very much child focused. Seems like a necessity to get your dd into a school that meets her needs too.

So move, chat to your ex and find a lovely new school for your dd that is only a short drive/ bus journey away. Don't take away 4 kids relationships's with their daddy. So young it will really affect them.

4 hours may not be the other side of the world, BUT, I would feel like it was if my kids were moving 4 hrs drive away.

Seems like you need to wait until the kids are older.

Plus when you say about jobs in your field, do you mean the field you will hopefully be working in once you have completed the degree you haven't actually started yet?

If you want to move, why don't you move and leave the children with their father and as it is only 4 hrs away you can still see them at weekends right? It may be a pain by train but then you are planning to learn to drive which would make it easier and with your new career the travel costs will be minimal. Of course it may be difficult while your studying. Do you start your degree on Monday or an intro course into computers. Either way having your degree to enable you to apply for related jobs is a way off yet.

You do not need to move 4 hrs to find a better area. Your children will be negatively effected by reduced contact with their father and will likely never forgive you.

My ex is a useless waste of space IMO. He makes no effort to commit to contact HOWEVER I'd never ever move away.

My DC 10yrs sobs when she hasn't seen him. I honestly don't think you are valuing the father child relationship. Imagine if it was the other way around and you were moving 4hours away from them?

What you are doing is not in their interests.

You are kidding yourself if you think it is. It is also a really shitty thing to do to a parent. Mums ...Dads... we're all parents and removing contact from a child is shitty shitty shitty

Quite simply, Latemates, the kids would want to be with me. I also wouldn't want stbxh to be their main carer, he is lucky I haven't gone for supervised contact.

The move is being considered in a years time, when my nc level five is complete, to then start the hnd followed by degree.

Can we stop with the removing contact, it may be less, it may not be, but there will still be contact. I will hopefully be driving in a years time, if not DP drives. I haven't even looked into an actual move yet so stop with the dramatics please.

Op, I do feel for you. I think there's been some good advice on the thread, much of which you (understandably) don't want to hear. I don't think anyone will give you the answer you're looking for . If I were you I'd look at a nicer area/school close by, get started with the driving and give it time. I wish you well.

mama. I am not looking for an answer, ultimately words on a forum won't change whatever I decide to do. I know my kids and their father, the full ins and outs. MN is a funny old place, another thread I posted about moving, everyone was in full agreement. But that was just about me, this, despite posters determinedly trying to convince me that I don't think about my kids interests, is more to do with them. Thanks.

I think it would be unfair on your children and their father.