Would you/did you move away?

[LadyKopperberg]

I am considering a move, 4 hours drive away from here where the kids dad is. At the moment he has them every other weekend and alternate Wednesdays. I want to move because:

1: I live in a town that is full of drugs and drinking. It's quite a racist town, doesn't like outsiders. It has very few opportunities and I want to live somewhere where I can give the kids better opportunities.

1. I am currently studying. When I finish, work in my chosen path is extremely limited in this town. I am hoping to have a good career to help support my 4dc as they grow older.

1. My DP would have better work options. He would also be 4 hours closer to his daughter so when he moves in with myself and dc, it will mean he can maintain regular contact with his dd easier than he could here.

But moving would mean the kid wouldn't see their dad Barr holidays and possibly when there are long weekends.

Wwyd?

There is just no life where I am now.

You are missing the point Latemates. The position of actually being solely responsible for your child's care and wellbeing is not the same as stating that both parents should or are equally responsible for the care and wellbeing of their child. Expecting someone to compromise in the 'best interests of the children' when that someone is the person who actually takes the responsibility for the care and wellbeing of their children seriously, while faced with the other parent opting in and out when it suits, can really grate.

Oh course that really grates, but let's notkidourselves, there're lone parents that have fathers that donttake responsibility, there are lone parents that prevent contact out of spite and that really grates on the lineament who is desperate to be involved and take responsibility. Thereare lone parents where both parents take full reonsibiltiyfortheir child regardless of their decision to not remain in a relatlionship together.

Are not all examples lo e parents in you opinion

Btw not missing the point I'm challenging point, I perfectly understand the point but do not think gender or title irrelevant, and the reality is this is a forum and could be anything and everything on here.
I can answer the question but I doubt if it is being question the answer will be believed

PUR is the LP board only for single parents who are mainly or solely responsible for their DCs then?
Are LP with an involved and committed ex excluded?

I can't comment on the OP's situation (I haven't moved away from my children's dad, I thought I would have to at one point but it was because I was struggling to pay my rent and would have had to move in with my parents), but to Sparks, my children have been on the receiving end of what you plan to do. To say it will not affect them is naive. My eldest son is still, over a year later, hurt and confused. He went from seeing his dad near enough every day to a very quick reduction in contact (all his dad's choice) and then his dad moving away (and in our case he hasn't seen the children since, but that is not really the issue, the moving away is what caused the problem). No amount of "weekend contact" could make it better for him - in fact at this stage I think it would actually make it worse. I hear him talking on the phone to his dad, asking if he takes his SS to play football or his SD to school, and it breaks my heart. His dad chose his new partner and her kids over his own children, and that is exactly what you are doing.

Oh, and surely "the bottom of England" to Edinburgh is far more than 4 hours drive? I live just west of Edinburgh, my parents live in Yorkshire and that alone is 4/5 hours drive. My ex lives twice as far again and is still nowhere near the south coast.

I think the OP and partner are perfectly matched - he's choosing not to have a day to day role in his DCs lives and the OP doesn't see the value of a Dad in her DCs lives, either.

The DCs will work it out for themselves in time - its a shame they won't have the chance to develop a sibling-type relationship; they'll have a lot in common!

OP, it's no secret that I wouldn't do what you are planning to do, but I do sympathise and I keep thinking about this thread. It sounds like you have had a really rough time, are unhappy and want to do better for your children. All really good stuff. People do move away from the other parent, they make it work.

BUT just think about this for a minute. Your plan is to move away - a long way - from the kids' Dad and whatever support structure/family/friends you have, to move in with a man upon whom you will be financially dependent for at least 4 years while you finish your studies. A man who not only is happy to move hundreds of miles away from his own children, and happy to move another man's children hundreds of miles away from him, but who sees fit to speak for you and immediately becomes verbally abusive with women as soon as they question or disagree with him.

Beware knights in shining armour, love.

'PUR is the LP board only for single parents who are mainly or solely responsible for their DCs then?
Are LP with an involved and committed ex excluded?'

Did I say that? Anywhere? I was commenting on why someone would be asked if they were a lone parent, when posting on the LP board. I did not say at all that those who are not lone parents should not post, or are excluded in any way, did I? Or that not all 'types' of lone parents are welcome. It's about context, and determining a poster's motivation when they post something. Talking of which, what is your motivation in suggesting that LPs who post here 'make it up' as another post put it? Why would you post that suggestion on the LP board?

I assume that you are referring to my observation that this thread does nothing but undermine the position of those LP who post about Dads who refuse to be involved and contradict those LP who turn nasty when any of us dare to suggest that not all dads are the same, and that some Mums are equally negligent.

The argument that it's usually dads that f*ck off is bandied about in order to gag those of us who regularly try and highlight that there both good and bad mums and dads out there.

The reality is clearly illustrated in this thread - some mums will defend their right to exclude their DCs dad from the DC's lives and can accept and love a man who chooses not to be a part of his own DCs lives.

I'm not sure why there are so many threads in LP from mums are worried about their DCs not seeing their Dad, and being upset. Posts on this thread make it clear that there are far more important things in a DCs life than Dad being at their nativity or first football match, and that no long term harm will come to those DCs who are forcibly removed from the opportunity.

Tbh NADM your post did insinuate that the women posting on LPs whose ex's aren't involved at all or in any large part are making it up and/or exaggerating the numbers of NRPs who do it (mostly male, whatever anecdotal evidence people raise to the contrary). Not only that, but it was a pointed, passive aggressive dig at a large number of posters on this section. Do you think that posters here have some ulterior motive in describing their own situations? Perhaps I should go onto step-parenting and say that the number of contact-blocking mothers "isn't as high as people on the SP board would have you believe" as if the posters there are making their situations up for a laugh, I'm sure that wouldn't be taken very well either.

This thread may be an example of a father who has some involvement, but not a great deal from the description from the OP, so I'm not sure exactly what point you think this thread proves? The OP's ex doesn't appear to have massive day-to-day involvement, the OP's DP thinks so little of the importance of his day-to-day involvement in his kids' lives that he's moving away to live with someone else's kids. It's not really a great advert for NRDads in all honesty.

No campaign can be seen as serious and valid, all the while a proportion of the individual's who the campaign is on behalf of undermine the cause.

If LP as a collective group want to be taken seriously and change the social acceptability of absent/deadbeat dads, then posts like this on a LP board should be universally condemning of a mum not facilitating a positive, meaningful relationship between DCs and their Dad, given the choice.

The fact that some LP consider this to be acceptable, and are prepared to publicly support such a proposal, only goes to undermine the good work that is being done to champion the cause of DCs with non-resident Dads, and provide more evidence to those who want to label LP as man-hating, bitter and controlling.

It's one thread, and as has been stated, not exactly doing the 'campaign' for NRPs a whole lot of good either. So shall we condemn, as a group, NRPs because of the 2 the OP's thread relates to?

Last time I checked, this was a support board for lone parents and their individual situations, not a campaign group NADM. What exactly is your point?

So shall we condemn, as a group, NRPs because of the 2 the OP's thread relates to?

My experience is that many threads on the LP board do exactly that, hence my comment that this thread undermines everything that is said on many other threads.

I think the OP posted with the expectation that there would be a bunfight anyway, because neither she or her parter have acknowledged any POV other than their own; she has decided what to do, says that she was not looking for validation, so what other reason is there for posting than an opportunity to publicly defend herself to anyone who suggests something different?

'My experience is that many threads on the LP board do exactly that, hence my comment that this thread undermines everything that is said on many other threads.'

One thread undermines a whole board? You are being a tad over dramatic there NADM. Should we condemn the whole of the Step Parents board due to quite a few threads from one infamous SP (and you know who I'm talking about)? Or is that a bit over dramatic too?

So basically one thread which contains just as much negatives about NRPs as it does PWC means that all the hundreds of others are somehow less believable? People draw conclusions about any group based on their experiences, many that post on here have their own negative experience of NRPs and some will also be aware of the negative experiences of other people. That experience is not invalidated by someone else's knowledge of decent NRPs.

If that's the poster I think you mean Perspective, it's exactly what I was thinking

The difference, as I see it, is that the infamous SP poster received no support from any other SP. The thread was full of condemnation from other SP, who did not agree with her position. That particular poster was seeking the support of SP, and it was not forthcoming.

In this thread, the OP is not alone in her views, many LP agree with her, and are encouraging her to reduce the opportunities for her DC's to have a relationship with their Dad. His lack of involvement in their lives is all to common, and worthy of condemnation - but it's not something the OP chose to mention until challenged.

Yes, it is only one thread - but one that has left a particularly nasty taste in my mouth, because I genuinely thought that the views expressed by the OP in this thread, and which have received widespread support, were a thing of the past.

I think you have selective memory NADM, because that poster did get support on her threads from other SP. Not all were supportive of course, but then not all on this thread have been either.

"the views expressed by the OP in this thread, and which have received widespread support, were a thing of the past"

Which views are those? Because I don't think any one viewpoint has received "widespread support" on this thread, and if anything the argument was more skewed to the OP not moving.

There have been about 5 or 6 people who said either they moved, or who think the OP should move if she wants to. The rest of the almost 200 posts have been arguments about the OP's DP, and a fair number of people slating the OP/her DP/having a go in general about 'single mothers'. If this thread is what upsets you most NADM, then you are obviously a more delicate individual than I had thought.

There have been about 5 or 6 people who said either they moved, or who think the OP should move if she wants to.

Yes, your right - I got caught up in the confusion of the OP's partner wading in and supporting her cause; reading as posts were added (with some bonkers quoting along the way) gave me the impression that the OP had widespread support - a clear case of he who shouts the loudest!

Even one LP supporting the OP is disappointing, but fortunately, the courts generally will act to prevent a parent deliberately excluding the other when it is so blatant - lets hope the DC's in this case are protected.

I undertstand your reasons for wanting to move and agree a town with drugs is no place for a child however;

1. Most towns and villages are full of drugs nowadays
2. Your children will or won't decide to take them based on your parenting not on their availability
3. Do you really think the grass is greener, if you're the best at what you do you can guarantee work anywhere
4. I am sure there is somewhere closer than 4 hours where you could find opportunities.
5. If you're not prepared to share the drive then don't move, not being a driver you clearly aren't realising the cost implications and tiredness that comes for driving that far. I wouldn't put my kids in a car with someone who is in the last hour of an 8 hour round trip (every other weekend or whatever silly proposal you have made)!

Good luck whatever you decide to do....

Op, luckily, the courts are not in the habit of stopping people from rebuilding their lives post separation. If your reasons for moving are valid and reasonable, and are not designed solely to inhibit contact between your kids and your ex, if you have good job prospects and a safe environment for the kids, good schools and any support networks in place, then you have nothing to fear from the courts.
My abusive, adulterous ex ranted and raved and shouted the whole way to the court and was essentially laughed out of there by the judge. Ironically, he then moved even further away.
Despite 'all' of that, and the fact that he is a moron, we still make contact work. It's not perfect, it takes a lot of juggling and sacrificing, but had I been 'forced' to stay where i was living, i dread to think what would have happened to my mental health, and subsequently the well being of my children. (And for the avoidance of doubt, when I suggested that EX and OW became the RP's, I thought they were both going to pass out in horror )