Would you/did you move away?

[LadyKopperberg]

I am considering a move, 4 hours drive away from here where the kids dad is. At the moment he has them every other weekend and alternate Wednesdays. I want to move because:

1: I live in a town that is full of drugs and drinking. It's quite a racist town, doesn't like outsiders. It has very few opportunities and I want to live somewhere where I can give the kids better opportunities.

1. I am currently studying. When I finish, work in my chosen path is extremely limited in this town. I am hoping to have a good career to help support my 4dc as they grow older.

1. My DP would have better work options. He would also be 4 hours closer to his daughter so when he moves in with myself and dc, it will mean he can maintain regular contact with his dd easier than he could here.

But moving would mean the kid wouldn't see their dad Barr holidays and possibly when there are long weekends.

Wwyd?

There is just no life where I am now.

Lady your thread is full of contradictions - you say that no-one who grew up where you live has any ambition, and yet you say you grew up there, and you clearly do have ambition, you want to better yourself and do well, despite the hurdles that you are overcoming

I think you should give yourself and your DC's some credit that they will make a success of their lives - set them a good example, and demonstrate that it is possible to have a happy and fulfilling life in any situation with a bit of determination

No matter where they live, the strongest influence on the DC's lives will be the way in which they are raised and parented. I don't think that better schooling and a less deprived upbringing could ever make up for the loss of a parent in a DC's day to day life.

Oh how very kind of you to allow the children and father to unsupervised time together. Please if you had real concerns you would address them this clearly isn't the case so you are looking at reasons to justify how the children won't be affected by reduced time with their dad.
I hope if you do continue your planning to move he takes prohibited steps route. I know of cases where this has resulted in residency moving to the other parent to avoid disruption to the children. If this happens would you still move or would you change your plans and stay in that area?

You say the children want to stay with you I bet you anything they are telling their dad the same and do you know why? the children want to be with both parents as they love both parents and deserve to know and have both parents fully involved in their lives. And as you say they are young that means they will have no concept of how far they are moving and the difference that will make till it's too late. So they may be excited about it until the realiy of 8hours every other weekend or not seeing their dad hits

It was addressed with a solicitors letter as a last attempt to not have to go down the supervised contact route and is on file my concerns should I have to take action in the future. This includes my seven year old ASD daughter being put in a middle seat with no booster seat or seat belt and making her promise not to tell me, letting his two non swimming daughters aged 7 and 6 go down to a river unsupervised and not within sight distance of his house to 'paddle' and resulted in my seven year climbing out over a branch and getting stuck over deep water, having to be helped down by an older boy who came along and took them back to their father. Leaving my two year old unattended by a road because 'he wouldn't go running off'.

Don't presume you know anything about my situation or that of my children's. It's only because I don't want my children to have to see their father with someone else there that I haven't taken further action.

I will ultimately do what I feel is best for the kids AND myself. Thanks for the opinions.

Also if you had read back my posts you would see their father has a drug habit. I doubt very much he would get very far going for residency. He also chose to move an hour out of town to a very small village which would mean losing their friends and moving their schooling if they were to go with him. The house he chose and is keen to buy is a two bed, not suitable for four children especially in their teen years.

I think he's either safe to have the children or he isn't.

If he isn't, access should be supervised in my opinion.

Does it look like he is safe to have the kids life? Those are actual events. My dd couldn't keep her secret and broke down to me in her bedroom saying how frightened she was. She is suspected ASD and things like wearing a seatbelt are routine and 'right' for her literal head.

Why haven't I gone for supervised contact? Because I actually don't want him to have to be supervised, I was hopeful a letter might make him realise he can't take such risks or mess with the kids heads the way he did expecting his seven year old to keep schtum. If there is anything else then it will have to be supervised contact and he knows it. That was two months ago.

Well if it's been addressed via solicitor letter as a final attempt before supervised contact then either he is now no longer a danger and the letter worked or he is still a danger and you have decided the danger is an acceptable risk.

There are many different types of drug users. There is a world of difference between an addict who is unable to function to an occasional user who still holds down a life and cares for their children regularly.

Regardless of individual circumstances that we do not know, you have asked on a forum for our opinions. The overall opinion is that it is not fair on your children to move that far away from either parent. You seam to be putting your partners child ahead of your own by trying to ensure he is able to live closer to his child. This is important as that child should also have a relationship with their dad too but your children should not suffer.

How would you feel if the children decide to stay with dad or move back once reality sets in. Would you support their right to do this?

I think you should move. This is a new begining for you and your kids. You can offer them much more in a invironment that is more condusive.

Think of how many years you have felt trapped and unhappy. Don't waist this opportunity for happiness.

The kids will still see their Dad and have a relationship with him. The main thing for them is knowing that he loves them. And who knows, having to make more effort to see them might motivate him to do better in life?

One life.

Yes, one life for the OP. but hers isnt the only life under discussion here, is it? That's a really heartless post, I think.

The kids are loved and cared for and they still have two parents alive and well. They are just going to live further from their Dad then before.

Sounds like the Dad is a waster. Harsh maybe but that's the impression I have been given.

Given the impression by someone who is looking for a reason to move four hours away, yes.

I think it's scummy when people do this and conveniently decide the children won't miss and don't need the levels of contact theyve got used to just because it suits parent and new partner. It's too bloody easy to say 'children adapt' and 'children are resilient' and 'people move house all the time'.

If their father is a menace and a danger, he shouldn't be having contact now. Obviously we don't and can't know the real ins and outs here, but I do really deplore the casual way people uproot children in situations like this.

They are loved and Cared for currently by both their mum and dad. Mum thinks dad doesn't do a good enough job but nothing bad enough since previous issues to warrant supervised contact. Dad may have issues with mums parenting. What if his issues sound worse should dad take children away from mum then?

Late what rubbish. Sorry but at no point have I put my dp's children ahead of my own. I said it was a reason in favour of a move but it's not the whole reason is it. And yes his children are important, we are in it for the long term and they have a right to be considered as much as my own, not more, not less.

I really don't care what sort of user a user is, it's illegal and I don't want it around my kids so shoot me.

No I wouldn't support their right to move with their father, they are too young to make such a decision. When they reach the courts age of twelve that would be different.

You make a lot of assumptions such as presuming my kids would be miserable in Edinburgh just because their father is a bit further away. That's one hell of a magic ball you have got there. They will have contact, it may not be as much but he isn't being cut out.

So I guess you will be stopping him from access whether you move or not then, in fact?

So it's ok for his contact to be cut and their contact with him to be cut but it is not ok for their contact with you to be cut.

I'm sorry but if they are too young to have a say it has to be something both parents decide on. You do not get final say because you are the woman.

Maybe he has issues with you he would rather the children not be around .... Thats the reality of separated parents they are not all in agreement on everything. Did he take the drug when you were together, before the children were conceived? Was this acceptable around your children till you split ? Or is it something that has started since the break up?

If your partners children and yours have the same rights then why is his being closer a positive if it means yours go further away.

Although I don't have much advice for yoru circumstances, here's my POV.

I have been in a similar situation to you OP and I now live 3 hours away from XH. At the time of our split he was working abroad for a large proportion of the year and, despite having a good network or friends, didn't have much in the way of support.

I too wanted to train for a specific career to support myself and the dc and after a lot of deliberation I moved closer to family. The dcs have a great relationship with their father - he sees them practically every other weekend and a minimum of half the holidays. He has a well paid, flexible, job which allows this. We also skype twice a week.

If I could have accomplished what I have in the last couple of years without moving then I would have, however the net result that the dcs have a good relationship with both of us - it isn't ideal but if you're prepared to put extra effort in it can be done.

Best of luck OP.

He smoked cannabis since before we were together. I was 19 when I met him and fell pregnant seven weeks later. I wanted a termination as I felt it was far too soon, I wasn't ready. He is ten years older convinced me we would be fine, promises to quit smoking and drinking (when together he drank a bottle of cider and beers a night) he never did but I still stayed because I was young and believed he would change. He even smoked it around me when pregnant. I stopped smoking cigarettes with all my pregnancies. Yes I was bloody stupid to stay with him but I was young, had a very messed up childhood and depressed. If he has issues with my parenting he hasn't said since we split. Part of the reason we split is because I got better and stopped putting up with it. I tried to get him to go to counselling but he didnt want to stop. He also became violent towards me in the end which was the very last straw.

Are you able to gauge what your ex would think of you moving? Can you sit down with him and discuss it?

I can see why you feel defensive. I'm sure you expected everyone to support you, say you should just go, and validate your choice.

But given that you asked for advice/opinions, and given that the majority of the responses are that perhaps this is not fair on the kids...do you think you should just pause for a minute, forget about being defensive, and think about this for a minute.

Is it possible that your desire to move away, move in with your new man, start a new life (all completely understandable) and your dislike of your ex have coloured your judgement? Lots of people have suggested compromise positions, which you seem to have ignored. Are you secretly looking for validation of your choice because you know it isn't really fair?

I'm sure your ex is far, far from perfect. BUT - my SIL smokes dope, regularly - she is a wonderful mother. My DSS's mother, should I list all the negative things she has done, would sound terrible - but she is my DSS's mum, he loves her, and whilst her way is not my way, she's a bloody good mother and he is a fantastic kid.

You sound like a smart, ambitious woman who wants to do the best she can for her kids and there is no way you would let your kids have EOW + midweek if your kids were in serious danger from a drug-addled lunatic.

Can you think of any level of compromise that would support your children's relationship with their Dad?

I didn't ask for validation though. I asked would you or did you? Yes people have given their opinions on my situation but I didn't ask for that did I? I asked what you would do or to hear from those who did.

Because quite simply i would move regardless of people on a forum saying not to. It's quite straight forward, I move, contact remains, not cut and if a solution can be found in the time ahead of a move, not less. If it has to be less then I still see it as my children can retain a relationship with their father and have the benefits of a hopefully more financially secure future and more opportunities.

I will obviously get defensive of the blatant accusations of doing this all for me. I could quite easily remain on benefits and doss about couldn't I? Setting what example to my children? Computing is something I am good at, I have faith in myself that I can get this degree, that I can have a good career. I have the determination to do so. Tell me, with their father on a low income, me on benefits, who is going to help them financially in their teenage to young adult years? Is that not what you aim to do when you have kids? Currently I can't even afford to put money into savings for them when they are older. I care about their future and want them to have the opportunities to do well and I stand by my belief that Inverness just isn't going to give them that.

For the poster that said I have ambition and am in Inverness, it wasn't being here that gave me that, it was visiting other places that did that in this last year.

I haven't tried to stop anyone give an opinion and wouldn't. As for expecting everyone to say yes I would do it, I am not that daft. I know it's controversial.

Good luck for the future. I think you are being very mature about this. I would stop reading here now. No need to keep discussing it on mn.

Shy bairns sorry you asked a question. Discussing this with stbxh. When we were still together in the last year, he was in agreement to moving away. At the time I was not in college or planning it. He maintained he didn't like the long winters up here and was in agreement that there were more opportunities elsewhere. However now we are separated it has of course changed things and I doubt he would give a damn about more opportunities or a better financial future for his kids if it meant less contact. Fair enough but I really don't think I would be the selfish one.

And thank you to everyone posting on the thread whether it's for or against.

Ok, well in your situation I moved - 20 minutes away. In fact I put a pair of compasses on a map and looked at every place within that radius. I made damn sure I did my share of the driving and later paid for train tickets. I consulted with ex to see if he would be OK with the move and reassured him, and DD, that they would still see each other for the same amount of time.

Because that was what I considered to be the decent thing to do. You don't feel that way, that's fine. You might find it isn't as straightforward as you think, you maybe ought to have a quick look into things like PSO's should your ex decide to take you to court, you may wish to do some research on the impact of such a drastic reduction in time spent with a parent, or as you say, you could just go ahead and plan a move regardless of the impact on anyone else.

HTH

Are you in the highlands of Scotland baila? Do you know of my location? Twenty minutes takes me to lots of hills, a sea, a loch, some sheep and Nessie. I doubt a degree in computing would be much use.

As for stbxh and a pso, he can try. And hell if the courts go in his favour then I tried my best to improve things for my kids and myself.