Would you/did you move away?

[LadyKopperberg]

I am considering a move, 4 hours drive away from here where the kids dad is. At the moment he has them every other weekend and alternate Wednesdays. I want to move because:

1: I live in a town that is full of drugs and drinking. It's quite a racist town, doesn't like outsiders. It has very few opportunities and I want to live somewhere where I can give the kids better opportunities.

1. I am currently studying. When I finish, work in my chosen path is extremely limited in this town. I am hoping to have a good career to help support my 4dc as they grow older.

1. My DP would have better work options. He would also be 4 hours closer to his daughter so when he moves in with myself and dc, it will mean he can maintain regular contact with his dd easier than he could here.

But moving would mean the kid wouldn't see their dad Barr holidays and possibly when there are long weekends.

Wwyd?

There is just no life where I am now.

The children are old enough to cope with seeing their father for longer periods less often

The littlest one is 2!

I'm not sure that this thread does anything to help the cause of those LP who are fighting for their DCs to have more contact and a better relationship with their Dad.

Reading some of this, you'd think it doesn't matter one way or another if a DC has both parents involved in their day to day lives

Inclined to agree with you, NADM. When my ex was looking to move 50 minutes drive away, his proposal was for the DCs to live with him Mon-Fri and spend weekends with me. That was utterly destroying for me - it was tantamount to taking my children away from me. We have had virtually 50/50 care for 7 years (well, it was 5/6 years at the time he started the moving proposals).

There is an awful lot of "what Mum wants to do is the best" thing, but I do think being that far away from Dad is just too far. It doesn't help establish a relationship with the NRP, imho.

Oh, sorry. I thought the youngest was 7,reading on a phone.

But OS doesn't just want to move on a whim. She's planning to move to improve her and DC's future career prospects, and to meet her own partner (semi), halfway so that he can still see his children. You could even turn it around and say that the dad is being selfish for wanting to carry on living in a remote place with no prospects. Except that would be unfair, too. The situation that both parents wa

Want different things socks, but it does happen. One person shouldn't have to put their life on hold for another, except perhaps the children when they are young. OP would it be possible to look again at these plans in a few years time?

I have been in the same position as the Op.

You do whatever you have to do for your Dc...

I did & don't regret it. My dc were fine, stayed in touch with their dad.

I finished uni and have a totally different life because i was brave enough to make a tough decision that benefited all of us. Dc's are now in their 20's!

a different point that needs considering,
If the children travel to their father every other weekend and spend the majority of holidays there... which they would need to do with the distance and the removal of wednesday contact then this means that the children will regularly miss out on parties, events and mixing with their friends in the mothers area.

4 hours is way too far to go for a party in the middle of a weekend.

During their birthdays that means it is too far to split a weekend so the child spends time with both parents. would you be happy to miss out on the childrens birthday weekends?

ditto to christmas - too far to split christmas day which means that every other year you will not see the children over the christmas period at all.

For what its worth (not much, in ops opinion, I suspect) I too live in Inverness, and I love it here. I do not recognise my hometown in these posts at all. There are bad areas, of course there are - just like there are in Edinburgh, or Glasgow...or any other big town or city. I also have a child with asd, their primary was fantastic, and they are now in a purpose built "hub" attached to a new, modern and brilliantly equipped secondary school.
The support services for asd in this area are great, and I disagree about the drug and alcohol culture which op would have us believe permeates the entire population.
If you want to move op, then fire on...but seriously, if you feel that way about Inverness then I imagine you're in for a bit of a shock when you actually relocate.
Appreciate that none of the above is relevant to the original question, but I took umbrage at the place my kids and I love being described so harshly!

When they reach the courts age of twelve that would be different.

This is a widely held view which is inaccurate - there is no age at which children have the right to choose, and different courts place different weight on a childs opinion at different ages - my DSS's wishes and feelings were reported to the court by CAFCASS when he was six years old.

Whether or not a child is Gillick Competent varies for each child - there is not, nor should there be imo, a blanket age at which they can tell the court what they want to do.

If there was a situation where mums risked losing contact with their children (because it's 'only 4 hours') and it was forced on them with no discussion or agreement there would be merry hell.

I think many women are very complacent about the fact that they have sole 'rule' over a child. It's a huge detriment to parenting and does fathers a disservice.

I speak as a mum getting no maintenance or support with a very poor view of the parenting displayed by my ex...... but conscious that my DC needs to maintain the relationship they have.

If there was a situation where mums risked losing contact with their children (because it's 'only 4 hours') and it was forced on them with no discussion or agreement there would be merry hell.

..and in the majority of cases it could happen - court ordered residency in only in place in the minority of cases, so a NR father could, if he felt the same way as the OP does, tell his ex that he was moving 4 hours away and taking the DC's with him, to give them a better chance in life, to pursue his own career, and to allow his partner the chance to have a relationship with her own DC's.

The only recourse for mum in that situation is through the courts, by which time, the DC's will be settled in new schools and a new home/family. The fact that it happens so rarely is an indication that most parents do realise the detrimental impact that reduced contact with a parent has on DC's.

I speak as a mum getting no maintenance or support with a very poor view of the parenting displayed by my ex...... but conscious that my DC needs to maintain the relationship they have.

Then you are a mug. You are prepared to abdicate him of his financial responsibilities, think your ex partners parenting is poor but blindly think this is beneficial to your child? How?

The fact that it happens so rarely is an indication that most parents do realise the detrimental impact that reduced contact with a parent has on DC's

I'd be intrigued to know your views on service personnel who have children or parents who have to work away from home for prolonged periods. Are they irresponsible for having children? Because that's the logical conclusion to your point.

Just so there's no confusion i'm the OP's DP. And no i'm not being defensive, simply challenging some of the views being expressed.

THere is a world of difference between A parents who are together emotionally and as a family who as a family one partner has to work away sometimes to the situation B where parents are not working together and are separated. In this situation - where one parent has a negative view on the other and is actively taking steps to reduce the children's time with the other parent has a far more detrimental effect on those children.
Google research and there is buckets of evidence proving that situation B results in children that struggle academically, socially and emotionally worse that A.

If you don't believe this to be true why are you wanting to be closer to your own child? If you truly believed that your absence from your Childs life would not effect them then you would have no desire to move closer right?

Just so there's no confusion, you are the man who is happily moving to a different country from his own children? I'm sure your view will be very interesting.

Before you call people 'mugs' for their parenting choices, perhaps you should check out what the research says about children who don't have good relationships with both parents compared to those who do.

And finally, have you considered that people might find it offensive when you use the example of service personnel and their children (who make huge sacrifices in the service of their country) to justify taking someone's children to live 4 hours away against their wishes.

*Just so there's no confusion, you are the man who is happily moving to a different country from his own children? I'm sure your view will be very interesting.

Before you call people 'mugs' for their parenting choices, perhaps you should check out what the research says about children who don't have good relationships with both parents compared to those who do.

And finally, have you considered that people might find it offensive when you use the example of service personnel and their children (who make huge sacrifices in the service of their country) to justify taking someone's children to live 4 hours away against their wishes*

Nice use of the emotive "different country"....

Who said anything about the children not having a good relationship?

Find offense if you wish. But again you are just being emotive to try and make a point.

If you don't believe this to be true why are you wanting to be closer to your own child? If you truly believed that your absence from your Childs life would not effect them then you would have no desire to move closer right?

If you actually read the OP there are numerous reasons for moving where we are planning. Both our careers, the welfare and prospects for the children and most importantly the ability to facilitate contact with ALL the children involved with ALL parents concerned.

I'm not for one minute imagining it's going to be easy. But that doesn't mean it can't be done.

Me and balia have read it differently.I read that the move would put you closer to your children than where you live now. Not surenowso can you clarify. Thanks.

Howerver the op move will reduce the contact the children see their dad, that's a reality. How would you feel if your ex latermoves and the distanceis greater. Would youexpe t to be involved in that decision. Or can she just decide herself?

*Me and balia have read it differently.I read that the move would put you closer to your children than where you live now. Not surenowso can you clarify. Thanks.

Howerver the op move will reduce the contact the children see their dad, that's a reality. How would you feel if your ex latermoves and the distanceis greater. Would youexpe t to be involved in that decision. Or can she just decide herself?*

No, it puts me further away. But at a distance that i consider manageable. I suppose many wouldn't but as i currently do a 200 mile daily round car trip to work in central London i guess that's relative!

I don't believe the contact will necessarily be reduced. Changed in it's pattern yes, but reduced no. And if it means i have to facilitate that contact for DP's children i'll gladly do it.

If my ex were moving for the legitimate and beneficial to the children reasons we are i would have no problem with it. And no i wouldn't expect to be involved in that decision. We're no longer a couple, therefore i don't presume to have a say in her adult actions.

Of course i'd expect a say in how contact would work in the changed scenario. And that's exactly what DP's ex will get.

Last time I checked Scotland was a 'different country' to England? Not emotive, just factual.

Latemates as I understood it, OP's DP is moving to move in with her. He currently lives 'at the bottom of England', so if she moves 4 hours further south, he will be 4 hours nearer than if he moves to the town she currently lives in.

Sparks1 could you explain for us how you envisage the relationship between the two year old and his/her father in this situation is going to progress? How often do you think (realistically) they will see each other? Do you think this matters in terms of a parent/child relationship?

#if my ex was moving for the legitimate and beneficial reasons we are I would have no problem.

Benificial and legitimate reasons are debatable

and no I would not expect to be involved in that decision. We are no longer a couple, therefore I don't presume to hace any say in her adult decisions.

Firstly you may no longer be a couple but you are still a father so let me just say then you are a mug. If you are prepared to abdicateor parental responsibility and decisions to your ex. That you blindly think that one parent should make all decisions for the child while the other sits by.

She could move them the Canada - a wonderful place to bring up children and I am certain I could think up many legitamate and benificail reasons for the move benign neccessary

Then you are a mug. You are prepared to abdicate him of his financial responsibilities, think your ex partners parenting is poor but blindly think this is beneficial to your child? How?

FYI -I didn't abdicate him of responsibilities. I have pursued it through the courts and CSA.

Not blind at all - it's a considered action for the benefit of my DC. The easy option would be to remove myself to another location and cut him out altogether. No harm (in fact ..gain) for me

There are plenty of 'poor' parents out there. I think social services would agree that leaving a child with a parent who doesn't measure up to a certain standard is far far better than removing them.

But that's not really going to matter to you is it? You will fit your story to meet your needs. Not those of the children involved here.

Do we need to keep copying and pasting? We can read back if we can't remember what we wrote a few minutes ago...

*Last time I checked Scotland was a 'different country' to England? Not emotive, just factual.

Sparks1 could you explain for us how you envisage the relationship between the two year old and his/her father in this situation is going to progress? How often do you think (realistically) they will see each other? Do you think this matters in terms of a parent/child relationship?*

You knew exactly what you were doing by stating it the way you did so let's not be precious now...

As said that'll be discussed, and i'll be doing what i can in everyones best interests. The anecdotal evidence from those who've actually done this on this thread suggests no detrimental effect.

Personally i'm of the believe that not being able to move 200 miles because you have had children with someone is ridiculous and impractical. Especially in that part of the world. And lets not forget, DP's ex has already conceded the area is far from beneficial for the children's future.