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Lone parents

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Original poster

Dads paying for childcare

247 replies

LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 13:44

Hello,

Just wondering how many of yor ex's contribute towards childcare on top of maintenance?

Without being rude, I'm not talking about the shitbags who don't pay anything a t all or who are generally crap. I mean the guys who pay their reccommended CSA maintencance relibly.

I only wonder because my ex seems to think that because he is not legally obiged to help with childcare, I am unfair to ask him to.

In my mind, we both work, so we should pay half each?

Why doesnt CSA take this is to any account grrr...

My DDs childcare bill is about £330 quid a month term time and £700 during school holidays. He pays me £200 maintencance, unfair, no?

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 13:45

sorry for so many spelling errors in an OP!

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evolucy7 · 12/01/2011 13:54

He isn't legally obliged and if he's already said that he doesn't want to not sure what you can do. When you are separated there are a while host of issues that are unfair.
Are you not eligible for any help to pay childcare costs? How old is your daughter?

Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 14:09

No, she's 5 and as I live with my boyfriend we are over the threshold for Tax credits so despite the fact that out finances are separate - i get no help with childcare. That's fine because I don't expect society to pay for it... it would just be nice if her father helped out!

I know there's nothing i can do as he has no legal obligation to pay it - I was more asking for a general concensus on what other dad's do so i can judge if I am being reasonable to expect this from him.

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BooBooGlass · 12/01/2011 14:11

If you're living with your boyfriend then tbh I think you need to sort out sharing finances, and that includes the nursery bill

Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 14:16

Sory I don't know what you mean? My boyfriend should pay for mine and my ex's childcare?!

He has his own daughter to pay for. Why should he pay for childcare for my daughter while her dad goes out and earns wages with no responsibilty to paying for the care of his child whilst he does it??

I'm sorry but if my boyfriend asked me to pay for his DDs childcare while her mum refused to pay it I'd tell him where to get off!

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BooBooGlass · 12/01/2011 14:18

Presumably if you live together you are a family. Your ex pays his maintenance. If I were living with someone then yes, I would expect them to chip in with household expenses. The whole 'she's your daughter, I'm notpaying for her' would ring massive alarm bells for me I'm afraid.

ChippingIn · 12/01/2011 14:22

Have you tried suggesting that you share care 50/50? That might make him see that the amount he pays you does not put him on an equal footing cost wise wrt DD.

If he paid half of the childcare cost you would be significantly better off - would you then be better off than he is at the end of the week?

I think you need to come up with something that is fair on both parents in each situation.

ChippingIn · 12/01/2011 14:32

There are so many factors involved in calculating what is reasonable and what isn't.

CSA always seems to be too little for the lovely parent receiving it and too high for a lovely parent paying it - a pathetic amount from an arse paying it and too much for a crap parent to be getting Grin

I think you have to take it case by case.

In your situation could your Ex afford to pay half or would this see him sleeping on a park bench or could he pay it and still have his twice yearly overseas holiday?

Without the income from your respective partners which of you can afford a better standard of living?

evolucy7 · 12/01/2011 14:32

I don't think that is quite the same, presumably you and your boyfriend have decided to be a couple and a 'family' to your DD, I agree that that should include how you manage the cost of her childcare, or manage your working hours instead if childcare is not affordable. You say the reason that you are not eligible for help is because you live as a family, to me that answers the question as to whether you should be sharing the issue.

Are you and your boyfriend are over the threshold for tax credits completely? What is that £60k? Your ex pays £200 per month, is that 15% of his net income, how does his income compare to yours? Does he live with someone else who shares his living costs with? Presumably you have lower living costs to living alone. In fairness these are the sort of issues to look at, not just say he should pay half.

Scruffyhound · 12/01/2011 14:35

This is an interesting topic and one that needs addressing by the gov. I think that who ever is classed as the sole carer for a child (hate to say it but most of the time its a woman?!) should be enititled to help with childcare costs. As if your in a relationship and say the new partner has no kids why should they pay for childcare for someone elses child?! I think the childcare cost should be halved between the two people whom created the child in the first place. I think its unfair to expect someone else to pay for someone elses child. Child maint is ment for food, bills, clothes not nursery fees. I have a DS whom is 5yrs old and my ex husband never helped with nursery fees when I was a single parent it was fine as when I was at work the gov paid my nursery fees. But when I found a partner then he still paid the same. We are in the situation now where Im expecting with my DP and the ex is expecting with his new partner. Im off work now and dont know if I can afford £1140 per month for my DS and baby if I want to work full time so help with DS child costs would be nice........

Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 14:36

I'm sorry that's absolute maddness! I can't beleive anyone thinks its more the responsibilty of my boyfriend to pay for my daughters childcare than her own dad! I'm flabberghhasted!

He pays £200 a month which is 15% of his salary pro rata taking in to account the night he has our daughter (as per csa guidelines) So, thats £200 paid to me towards my daughters care when she is with me. As I can't imagine her expenses being less than £400 a month, this is his share of that.

The childcare costs are over and above her other costs (rent/bills/food/club/school lunches/clothes) so if he paid half of them I certainly wouldnt end up with any cash to pocket!

I did offer to share her care 50/50 and then he wouldnt have to pay me any maintenance but he said he felt she'd be better of with me.

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BooBooGlass · 12/01/2011 14:40

You are missing the point. You have chosen to live with your boyfriend and presumably if he has moved in then he sees your daughter as his own. I know I woudn't move in with someone who saw my dc as 'my responsibility' By moving in he has surely accepted responsibility for your child? The fact that you have seperate finances doesn't suggest that you are actually all that settled with each other

Scruffyhound · 12/01/2011 14:40

Sorry forgot to say My ex husband earns loads more than me and more then DP. But loves his money.

Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 14:41

chippingin without the salaries of our prospective partners his salary is £2000 a year higher than mine so equal footing really.

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evolucy7 · 12/01/2011 14:42

Rightly or wrongly, isn't the idea that as a single parent you either work and receive help for childcare costs as there is no other parent at home, (so you can't do the one parent work and the other stay at home)or you stay on benefits until there childcare costs are minimal as they are at school.
If you are a couple, there is the idea that young children are perhaps best with a parent rather than in full time nursery? So if you can't afford the childcare, you are not at work for the money, perhaps just to stay working, I understand that, or to ensure that the job is not lost when children are of school age, again I understand that. But single parents are helped as if they want to work, and this should not be discouraged, if they didn't get help they would have no money as you have described, but a couple does have more of a choice.

BooBooGlass · 12/01/2011 14:44

But she's not a single parent. She lives with her boyfriend.

Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 14:45

evolucy7 we both live with partners with salaries in the late 40ks.

boobooglass I don't think that my dp sees my daughter as his own. I think thats a bit of a dare-i-say-it 'disney' view of blending families. He treats her like his own daughter sure, and if push came to shove he would support both she and I financially. But my DD has a dad of her own already.

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whiteandnerdy · 12/01/2011 14:47

LadyTremaine, something similar came up with my ExP and myself. We used to have an agreement where I would pay costs for one DS as I had the child benifits for one DS and she would pay costs for one DS and we didn't really ever get to see eye-to-eye on what contributions I should be making for DSS, as I'm not the farther child benifits have always gone to their mother.

However, I wanted to start paying for Child minder through work, and their Tax Free benifits options for working parents. The Ex wasn't having any of it and wanted it payed to her in cash.

Well, I didn't agree that having the responsibility for paying for a child but not being able to access any of the government benifits for that child. To cut a long story short I now pay through the CSA.

I think your Ex has a point, if you expect it to be fair that he has to make contributions ontop of maintenance for childcare while you goto work then is it not fair that he should either have input into your decision of going to work, or take a percentage of your pay that you earn? I don't know would you be happy with either of those .... hmmm, I'm guessing not.

Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 14:50

And why should I 'manage' my working hours? Is working the privalege of the person with a penis..? I should cut down my hours and career potenial just because I'm the mum?? Its bad enough i am the one that has to finish work at 5 every day and pick her up from school if she's ill while he gets to do over time if he wants.. now I'm supposed to cut my hours as well??

scruffyhound your my only YANBU on this thread I'm wondering if I'm going mad?

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BooBooGlass · 12/01/2011 14:51

I really don't think it is. Where does it end? If your child needs some new shoes, some clothes, a school trip? Would he help pay for those or would that not be his responsibility too? I think you need to ask yourself why you alow your boyfriend not to contribute, to be happy to live with him, but expect no financial commitment to your family. I bet he thinks he's got it made.

Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 14:51

My 'choice' to go to work?

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BooBooGlass · 12/01/2011 14:54

No, a 'disney' view.
Everyone with dc who works full time faces these issues. And yes, rightly or wrongly, it is mainly the women who bear the brunt of the picking up and dropping off. But you aren't together with her dad anymore, it really is none of your business wether he does overtime or not.

ChippingIn · 12/01/2011 15:01

LT - I can see what people are saying about you, DP & your DD (his DD when she's there) living as a family and it not being about my child/your child. However, at the same time this shouldn't let your Ex off the hook with regard to providing for your DD - because you are now with DP why shouldn't your Ex still share the costs of the child he made with you.

I think if you and your Ex earn about the same amount of money, he should contribute to her childcare costs less whatever government assistance you get.

You both pay appear to pay an equal amount out in her other costs (food, clothing etc) you directly and him through the CSA - but I can see him asking what he gets out of you working. My answer would be to tell him that he can have DD full time and you will pay him CSA and half his childcare costs - see what he says then.

Of course you wont go through with it (who could?!) but it might make him think about your situation a bit more.

I think it's a bad situation where you end up worse off working because he's not living with you - if he lived with you he would be effectively paying half of her childcare.

Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 15:01

I doubt he thinks he's got it made, he already pays over the odds for his own child.

I'm sorry, I dont see an emotional relationship has anything to do with a financial relationship.. .im with him for his body and mind nothis wallet!!

I pay for all her needs that you have listed. As my ex pays me £200... these things are paid with using that and the same amount from me. I don't need any extra from my partner.

My dp pays whenever we go out, family outings with DD included, he often buys me little treats and my dd and his dd too... but he doesnt cover the essentials.

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Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 15:06

Well, what he gets out of me working is a mother that can provide fa nice life for his child - surely he realises that? maybe not!

I don't have the choice not to work. I have a child, and even if I didn't i'd have to work. isn't that what you do as an adult?

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