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Lone parents

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Original poster

Dads paying for childcare

247 replies

LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 13:44

Hello,

Just wondering how many of yor ex's contribute towards childcare on top of maintenance?

Without being rude, I'm not talking about the shitbags who don't pay anything a t all or who are generally crap. I mean the guys who pay their reccommended CSA maintencance relibly.

I only wonder because my ex seems to think that because he is not legally obiged to help with childcare, I am unfair to ask him to.

In my mind, we both work, so we should pay half each?

Why doesnt CSA take this is to any account grrr...

My DDs childcare bill is about £330 quid a month term time and £700 during school holidays. He pays me £200 maintencance, unfair, no?

OP posts:
elastamum · 12/01/2011 15:08

Dont hold your breath. I dont know any NRP that offers to pay more then they have to.

I get child support for my 2DS from which I employ my au pair and run an extra car so I can go to work. My ex thinks he should be paying a lower percentage not more as he is a high earner!!

Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 15:08

I think chipping is right when she says "LT - I can see what people are saying about you, DP & your DD (his DD when she's there) living as a family and it not being about my child/your child. However, at the same time this shouldn't let your Ex off the hook with regard to providing for your DD - because you are now with DP why shouldn't your Ex still share the costs of the child he made with you"

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WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/01/2011 15:08

I see both sides...OP you're right..why should only the Mother pay the childcare...but then another thought takes over which is that if you have most of the custody then your responsibility is to look after DD...which is your choice....in that case then your B who has chosen to be part of your life and thus part of yur DDs life...should chip in.

If the EX had DD during the working week then it would work the same way.

Bramshott · 12/01/2011 15:10

In an ideal world your ex would pay half of the costs of raising your DD, not the paltry 15% of salary that the CSA requires. And yes, that would include childcare.

The reality however, is that if he's not keen, unfortunately there probably isn't anything you can do to make him.

Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 15:10

Jees elastamum, that sounds awful.

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WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/01/2011 15:15

I'm not sure why an ex should pay half of everything if he or she has not got half the childcare though....if he or she is not having half he week with the child is it fair?

Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 15:16

Hmm.. I guess, but then I have always worked. When we decided to have the child I never once agreed to give up my career and he knew this wasnt an option.

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Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 15:17

Wow - I am shocked at how many people don't think he should pay for half the child care for his child. I guess it's still a very sexist world we live in.

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WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/01/2011 15:20

I'm very far from sexist...but I do think that the main carer is the one who benefits from the time with the child...but I suppose in cases where the Father doesn't want much to do with the child then it's very unfair...I suppose I've never really thought about it.

OP you're right on reflection..he should pay half of everything...he had the child...he is responsible...

JBellingham · 12/01/2011 15:21

Why should he pay towards you and your bf's living expenses? He pays what the state says he is due. If the money you have is an issue, change jobs/hours/carers/schools or get your bf to sort it. If you think the state is not giving you enough money then lobby your MP to change it.

Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 15:22

That's right wimple... I wish he would share the care equally. I'd be happy for her to be with him 50/50.

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WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/01/2011 15:22

JBellingham...he would not be paying for the BF but for HIS childs care....why shoud the OP pay it all...she had the child BEFORE she met the partner. Should having a child disable her from working but not the ex?

Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 15:23

jbellingham, I said i didnt want society to pay... i dont expect any money from the government.

How is paying for half the cost of his childs child minder paying for mine and bfs living expenses?

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Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 15:24

Ah, thanks wimple

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Truckulente · 12/01/2011 15:25

If he won't do 50/50 he's a dickhead in my book.
A lot of Dads would bite your hand off for that.

JBellingham · 12/01/2011 15:26

It is a choice you made, if you decide to buy her £200 school shoes instead of £30 ones should he pay half as well?

rinabean · 12/01/2011 15:26

The problem is your living arrangements. Seriously, either this man is here for good (as far as you hope and know), in which case he's her stepdad and she is his child too and he has to chip in, or he's just your boyfriend in which case you shouldn't be inflicting him on your daughter permanently.

OnlyMeUK · 12/01/2011 15:28

Just a thought OP. How would you feel if DP's XP was now asking for an extra £150-200/Month for her child care costs. If perchance she was in the same situation as you (she probably isn't, but say she were)?

Truckulente · 12/01/2011 15:29

And I don't think your BF should have to fund your DC.

The Dad should, I'm a Dad and I'd be mortified if some other man was paying for my children.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/01/2011 15:33

Who'se talking about shoes JBellingham? If the OPs ex had 50/50 then those things would be partly his choice too...in a more practial way...they could set a budget for clothing etc.

Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 15:38

OnlyMeUK she doesnt work at the moment but when she did work, she worked part time so childcare costs not as high as mine but my dp pays half of them on top of maintenance. I am happy with that and it's one of the things I love about him, the responsibilty he takes for his child.

JBellingham how is working a choice??? I cant choose the cost of her childcare - Im not being frivilous.. thats the cost of a childminder.

"I'm a Dad and I'd be mortified if some other man was paying for my children" good on ya!

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CJCregg · 12/01/2011 15:39

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable. Your ExH doesn't have to pay childcare, presumably works full-time, because you are his childcare. That's my situation, and although I only work part-time, I have to scramble around with friends, babysitters, parents etc to cover the times when I have to be out of the house working. My ExH goes to work every day and very rarely steps in to help.

We had it written into our divorce agreement that he would share 50% of childcare costs, which he did until I stopped working for a while. If I start a more regular job - which is a tricky thing to get without childcare in place - we'll have to have the conversation again.

But it pisses me off that it's considered the mother's job to provide childcare, as it's incredibly difficult to sort out and you still have to take additional time off for holidays etc.

Also, totally agree that your new DP is not responsible for your child's care, particularly if he has his own child to support. I have a DP who doesn't live with me - perhaps if the situation changed I would have to rethink but it's a very thorny issue.

My ex has just cut my maintenance in half. He also took a stand a while ago, saying it would be unfair on the DCs if I went out to work full-time. How am I supposed to live? I asked him if he would take them more often during the week - 'no way, I have to work'. I am his childcare.

Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 15:40

That's an interesting point actually that although the CSA dont take this in to account - divorce lawyers do tend to...

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Takeresponsibility · 12/01/2011 15:40

So whilst you were a single parent you were on tax credits and therefore childcare was almost covered. You then chose to live with someone and TCs stopped and you became responsible for the childcare costs.

Therefore your childcare costs increased because you chose to live with your boyfriend.

Did your ex have any choice about whether you live with your boyfriend or not? I suspect not therefore why should he have to pay the extra childcare costs you have incurred because that is what you have chosen to do?

Original poster
LadyTremaine · 12/01/2011 15:44

Because I think he was incredibly lucky that the government picked up his slack for the time I was a single parent.. now that they don't have to do so anymore i think it's his job as a man to take responsibility.

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