Dads paying for childcare

[LadyTremaine]

Hello,

Just wondering how many of yor ex's contribute towards childcare on top of maintenance?

Without being rude, I'm not talking about the shitbags who don't pay anything a t all or who are generally crap. I mean the guys who pay their reccommended CSA maintencance relibly.

I only wonder because my ex seems to think that because he is not legally obiged to help with childcare, I am unfair to ask him to.

In my mind, we both work, so we should pay half each?

Why doesnt CSA take this is to any account grrr...

My DDs childcare bill is about £330 quid a month term time and £700 during school holidays. He pays me £200 maintencance, unfair, no?

[Takeresponsibility]

No, it's your job as the person who changed the status quo to take responsibility for your own actions.

[portaloo]

Is your XP living alone? Can he afford to pay half the childcare?

I note what you have said about your respective incomes, but isn't it the ability to afford more than he is currently paying that is more indicative of whether he is BU or not?


I suppose it comes down to whether he cant pay or wont pay.

[Firepile]

YAAbsolutelyNBU - it is ridiculous that all responsibility for meeting childcare costs legally falls on the Resident Parent - usually the mother.

My son's childcare costs me more than my mortgage every month. I have already taken a pay-cut and a drop in seniority so that I have the flexibility to be around more after becoming a parent, so that my H could take up career opportunities (and find someone more exciting to shag, it turns out.).

Are people really sugggesting that because my H found someone else he'd rather sleep with, I should have to give up my job and sell my home so that I can make ends meet on benefits without relying on him to contribute to childcare? Guess I should just suck it up for not being good enough to hang on to my H, huh?

Sexist nonsense that mothers should bear sole responsibility for childcare. The law massively disadvantages lone mothers. And it is only going to get worse when Dave's tax credit and benefit cuts kick in.

[LadyTremaine]

Umm.. he cheated on me.. if we're talking about taking responsibilty for changing the status quo - it goes way back...

So rather than move in with my partner who enables me to bring up my daughter in a loving family environment, I should have remained single and relied on the government to fund my DDs childcare? Right then.

[BooBooGlass]

rinabean has said exactly what I was trying to.

[LadyTremaine]

portaloo we have roughly the same salary. And weirdly have both moved in with partners who have roughly the smae salaries. They don't have any children living there with them.

So he can afford it.

[BooBooGlass]

But you're contradicting yourself, because you don't see yourself as a loving family. You have said your dp doesn't contribute to essentials, and clearly can't be that commited to your daughter. You can't have it both ways. WHen you moved in with your partner you knew you would be responsible for the childcare costs.

[Firepile]

Looks like it LT. If it's any consolation I agree with you - childcare should be a shared responsibility between both parents.

[LadyTremaine]

rinabean i think people have missunderstood. He does 'chip in' if you like, as I do with his DD (my DSD) but he doesnt pay towards her child care because that is an actual sum of money that i wouldnt dream of asking him to contribute towards. I don't pay towards his childs childcare expenses...

[LtEveDallas]

I agree with you OP - I do think there should be seperate payments - One for the 'maintenance' of the child and one for the 'caring' of the child.

When I was first with DH he paid the lowest amount that the CSA would allow - I think it was around £200. He was adamant that was enough, because 'the Government says so'. Having been around my sisters' children I was always

Then we had her for a month.....at the end of the month DH (still DP then) was horrified at how much she 'cost' - she was 7 at the time. Even more horrified when I pointed out how many times my hand had dipped into my purse while she was with us - and this was a holiday period, no childcare and only days out here and there.

Once the status quo had resumed DH upped his payments . In his defence though, I really dont think he was being a cock - he just didnt realise how much children cost.

Could your Ex be the same? Is it worth giving him a breakdown of your costs?

[Firepile]

And it is helpful to know that as a reluctant LP, any new partner will be expected to taken on financial responsibility for my ds. As LT says, he has a father who should be doing that.

Frankly, it is the least he can do in terms of taking responsibility for his decisions.

[BooBooGlass]

Presumably though he's not the resident parent, so he doesn't actually have to pay them either?

[portaloo]

In that case, since he can afford it, and indeed has no DC living with him, and I am assuming now pays child support/childcare fees for no other DC he may have fathered, then YADNBU.

[BooBooGlass]

Firepile, you're also missing hte point. If you get to the stage where you are happy to be a family with someone else, to involve them with your dc and see a future with them, then yes, they would be expected to take some of the financial burden. I would think very badly of someone who happily moved in with someone with children but actually showed no kind of willingness to do this.

[LadyTremaine]

Loving as in - emotional support for her mummy, reads her a bedtime story, takes her to the park, tells jokes at the dinner table, scares away the monsters in the cupboard etc etc.
I never got with him for financial reasons. I foolishly thought that my ex would pay for half of her childcare it was only when tax credits stopped and I mentioned it to him that i realised he didnt see this as his responsibility.
The thing is, my dp would pay for anything I needed him to. i just don't feel he should.

[Firepile]

And I think very badly of a father who expects someone else to meet his responsibilities to meeting the actual costs of his actual child, Boo. I think that's far worse, actually.

And the point is that that these costs should be met by the father, whether or not the resident parent has met someone else. In my case, the consequences for DS and me if we can't negotiate a contribution towards child support from H are pretty dire.

[LadyTremaine]

LtEveDallas thats an excellent POV and point that you make. Thanks.

[Firepile]

Childcare is not a small expense, either - my childcare costs more than the mortgage on my home, and accounts for more than 1/3 of my take home salary every month.

[BooBooGlass]

I'm not saying you got with him for financial reasons, when you quite clearly did not.
My point is this: When, as a lone parent, you start dating someone, then of course your child has nothing to do with them, htey have no responsibility for them at all. But when you move in together, presumably you had a talk about finances, worked out how everything would work for you as a family. At that moment, your ex is out of the picture. You still get your maintenence, which, though a relative pittance, is all he has to pay you. To still expect him to stump up, now you both have new families, is a bit much. You and your partner now have responsibility for your bills, regardless of whose biologically she is or not.
Did you actually talk about all of this befor eyou moved in together? It seems, and forgive me, a decision that may have been made in haste. Presumably if she still requires childcare you can't have been together that long?

[portaloo]

Mind you, I might add, as a LP myself, I wouldn't have moved in a new partner without it being very clear from the start that I would expect my new partner to pool his income with mine, and between us, we would pay all of the living expenses.

If my new partner was unwilling to do this, then we would remain living apart.

I am not prepared to commit financial suicide again to support a partner. If your partner is not paying for living expenses, it's not surprising he can afford to pay extra in childcare costs for his own DC.

Essentials imo are mortgage/rent, council tax, utility bills, food etc, and imvho, your partner should be contributing substantially to those outgoings.

[BooBooGlass]

Ah portaloo, finally, someone who understands whatI mean

[StarExpat]

at some of the posts on here and been reading a while so probably will xpost quite a bit.

Yes, OP, he should pay half of the childcare costs.

It's not always a choice to work. Some people have to. Even if they are mothers.

Even if her new boyfriend earns more, why should she have to be dependent on him, financially?

The Mother and the father should both foot the childcare bill. They both work. Just that people think that new boyfriend and mother should be solely responsible for childcare costs.

[LadyTremaine]

We've lived together for 3 years, I splitup with ex when dd was 1 year old, then single for 1 year.
It's only coming to a head now and I'm consulting MN jury because after 3 years i am sick of it.

My partner does pay living expense... 2/3s of rent and bills. and most of our luxuries.

[StarExpat]

Portaloo and booboo - yes, agree with new partner and op sharing costs...etc.... but why shouldn't xp pay anything toward childcare? Why does he get away with paying nothing for childcare? He should either provide half of the childcare or pay for it.

[StarExpat]

oh, ok. Yes, there you go then. They do share living expenses.

I'm sure some of that will end up being spent on childcare, whatever - that's not the point.

The point is that the xp should help pay for childcare. she's his child, too.