Dads paying for childcare

[LadyTremaine]

Hello,

Just wondering how many of yor ex's contribute towards childcare on top of maintenance?

Without being rude, I'm not talking about the shitbags who don't pay anything a t all or who are generally crap. I mean the guys who pay their reccommended CSA maintencance relibly.

I only wonder because my ex seems to think that because he is not legally obiged to help with childcare, I am unfair to ask him to.

In my mind, we both work, so we should pay half each?

Why doesnt CSA take this is to any account grrr...

My DDs childcare bill is about £330 quid a month term time and £700 during school holidays. He pays me £200 maintencance, unfair, no?

[NooNooMummy]

…no one questions the dad’s ‘choice’ to work and spend minimal time with his own children.

[NooNooMummy]

Yes, nothing has changed. Dad can pay minimal CSA. And the childcare costs, which can be in excess of £1,000 per month for nursery, are solely borne by mum if she ‘chooses’ to work. Bonkers.

[HugeAckmansWife]

Yep. 100% agree with the op and nothing has changed in 10 years so it doesn't matter that it's a zombie thread. Also, to those many pp wo said the boyfriend should contribute as you've moved in together.. How does that square with the absolute veto on the idea that a woman living with an NRP dad should help with his maintenance payment if he stops work or reduces income? Ridiculous inconsistency there. My ex pays cms only. It covers less than a third of my childrelated costs and I'm not even including mortgage or utilities in that as they'd be largely the same anyway. I don't get benefits other than CB as I work bloody hard in a professional role.. The same role as ex has, except that he is 100% free to do out of hours meetings etc that I have to refuse or juggle childcare for.

[OhamIreally]

This thread is ten years old. Nothing has changed. My ex pays £300 a month.
Lovely. Have a kid, have it brought up in a warm loving home, all clothes, food, school trips, haircuts, toys, childcare all sorted.
Bargain for £300 a month. A cheap car costs more.

[Needanewadventure2021]

My son's dad only pays minimum maintenance. I have no choice but to cover everything else which included his 900 a month childcare bill when he was younger

[octobersunshine]

OP, I am in complete agreement with you. Maintenance is the legal minimum a parent can get away with paying. Its not representative of the costs of a child, particularly when factoring in childcare which is exorbitant. Why should a father get a flat rate, and the mother is left to soak up the difference irrespective of the costs. Ive read the comments and I'm never not staggered that a woman's employment is only ever referred to in relation to childcare costs and whether employment is offset by childcare. I don't ever hear of men saying "it's not worth my while working full time,". Their careers are somehow seen as non-negotiable and off limits. Infuriating. My ex refused to pay anything towards childcare costs before our son started school. The costs were staggering for me. He refuses to pay for passports, school trips etc staying that maintenance should cover it all. The inequity is just maddening.

[fidgetmad]

I agree it's absolute madness to expect a partner to pay for childcare for a child that's not theirs

[fidgetmad]

I think it depends on how much contact he has etc .

During my exHs contact days he pays for childcare, e.g. he officially has dc til 6pm on a Monday but Is working. He actually drops her at school on the modus morning and it's me that picks her up from after school club. However as he'd due to have her til 6pm, it's his responsibility to pay for this?

The way i see it is at that the CMS payments are reduced proportionately based on his contact time. Therefore, he's expected to cover the costs during his contact period?

[Blendiful]

@hairylights

I'm fairly flabbergasted that op lives with her boyfriend but that they don't see themselves as a family. I'm with the posters who say that it's a
family expense within the resident family. If he's moved in then he's taken on a role within the family, not just moved in with the op.

Only a family expense within the ‘resident’ family.

If OPs partner should contribute towards her child’s costs, surely her dads partner should contribute towards maintainence then?

Her dad is choosing to have her 1 night a week letting OP and her partner do all the care and foot all the costs (bar 200). So surely dads needs to be brought into this too. After all she did sign up to be with a man who has a child, and understands he has them 1 night a week and pays maintainence so surely she needs to chip in to the family costs of maintanence and her wages should be calculated too?

[Blendiful]

I completely disagree that it is your DPs responsibility to pay for any childcare. Your DC has a dad who could help.

Paying childcare allows you and her dad to work full time. He has her 1 night. So he should be contributing.

I think if your DP should be expected to pay for childcare, then on the flip side surely her dads DP should have her income taken into account for your CMS so your payments should go up?? Given she got with a man who has a child surely they should pay as a ‘family’ (I disagree with this also btw, but just making a point!)

[FabulousIAm]

Can the father of your child not look them while you work - who does he expect to look after the child when he works?

[Dinosaursrule]

My daughter is in the same position. The amount of maintenance that he will pay does not even cover the cost of 1 days nursery. She has had to go back full time to continue to pay the bills. Why is it down to 1 parent to pay the child care costs? If both parents have to work then shouldn’t it be shared?

[Wellyboots86]

Xw and I have nearly 50/50 split of time with the kids. They are with me 4/7 nights a week.

I pay all their childcare costs but also receive all the tax credits etc. I don’t pay my xw maintenance and equally she doesn’t need pay me any. Due to the fact we both have costs raising the boys this seems fair as she pays for food etc when she has them and vice versa.

[Starlight345]

Zombie thread

[Chubbychops17]

I am also in same situation, my partner helps towards my daughters day to day costs takes us on days out treats her to things and now people think he has to pay for her nursery too! This is wouldn’t be to bad but when he ‘legally!’ Has no pare tally responsibility over my daughter why should he be left to foot the bill when he gets No say In any decision make because he’s not her parent!! Why can biological fathers get away with not having to pay other costs outside of maintence and yet the kind hearted men who step and help raise them are yet biological fathers get all the credit without the hard work!! Bloody disgusting I tell you!!

[snowmama]

I find this thread quite shocking and am struggling to articulate what I feel. My ex pays the CSA required amount (not a penny more, not a penny less). It covers less than a quarter of my childcare bill alone - before living costs.

In order to work, costs for both formal and informal childcare takes over a third of my net income, and will continue at.a similar rate after my DC leave nursery...due to the requirement for holiday and school wrap around care. I find it astounding that the idea that for him to contribute more towards the care of his own children would be considered 'entitlement' on my behalf astounding. He is in effect getting free childcare now, because CSA should cover childrens clothes, shoes, contribution to food etc and would not change if I was not employed, and so did not incur the childcare cost.

[Gster]

I've made payments to my XP over and above the CSA recommendation since before I actually split with my XP. The fact she wanted to formalize all my 'casual' contributions when we were together was perhaps a warning for the future.

The CM I send to my XP is to the tune of £450 + another £150. Obviously I earn a decent wage. However after the split my outgoings per month practically doubled once I found a suitable house for my dd to visit and stay in.

As far as childcare costs go, despite having to bite my tongue a few times, I figured half the costs was fair. But there is a reality of how much money I have. I could move into a small flat to save money, but I want my dd to have her own room when she stays, I could have bought all the children's furniture, clothes, toys etc that I need now for my home , off of ebay, but I wanted her to have the kind of stuff I've already bought for her mum's place.

Sorry I'm rambling. In answer to the OP, yes I think your X's responsibility, financially, goes beyond just the CSA calculation. I do however think the issue requires some understanding of the financial strains on both sides.

If my XP decided to work full time I very much doubt I could afford half the nursery costs without moving into a tent in the local woods.

[sunshineandbooks]

I agree with you in many ways. Like you I get no maintenance from my XP and I'm way past the stage of being angry. No point in getting wound up over what you can't change. I also agree with you that despite being the one with all the responsibility, expense, and sacrifice to my career, I am still the luckier as I get to see my DC everyday. (This is also lucky for my DC as XP doesn't even realise he's missing out!).

However, I never lose sight of the fact that my DC are entitled to that money. They didn't ask to be born. Their father and I made a joint decision to have them. They are 50% mine and 50% his, and it is only fair and just that he should pay his share. I've ceased to care that he doesn't on a personal level, but on an intellectual level it should never be forgiven or forgotten. It is a disgrace that 3 out of 5 NRPs in this country pay no maintenance whatsoever to their DC - let alone an extra contribution to childcare.

[Newbabynewmum]

Its hard to explain what I feel. I do agree that the father obviously has a part to play in helping provide for their children. But then in my situation I know I'm never ever going to get half of my childcare costs paid - let alone anything more than that! To stop myself feeling quite so bitter I've learnt to just get over it. I'm not saying everyone should get over it, but its how I'm dealing with it. It sucks. But life continues. And I'd rather be the one paying more money but having my DD live with me & being the one that picks her up and gets to see her excited face and hear about her day everyday. I'd pay more than £1000 a month to be the parent in my position rather than my DD's fathers.

[sunshineandbooks]

I don't understand why some people feel so entitled?!

Really? You think it's ok for someone to create a child and then abdicate all practical and financial responsibility?

[Cordova]

ladytremaine

If you and your boyf have combined your households then he has to support you financially. My DP shares all household bills with me equally and the DCs are mine, not his. I would be better off financially without DP because I would get tax credits to top up my earnings, so if he wants to live with me he has to foot half the bill! I see it from that practical point of view but he doesn't - he says this is a family so we share. I have tried to hold the DCs father to account financially before, but DP says "stick his money, we don't need him". your ex may be being tight, but so is your boyf

[Newbabynewmum]

I will be paying £1000 for childcare PCM month come September. My CSA payments are around £300. So that makes me down £700.

It's shit. But I don't expect any money from my DD's father. I don't understand why some people feel so entitled?! I wish I got more monetary help, but I don't, so get up, shake yourself down and get on with it.

I envy people saying they have £60 a month to spend from their CSA payments! I think sometimes we all need to remember (myself included) that there's always somebody worse off than ourselves.

[hairylights]

I'm fairly flabbergasted that op lives with her boyfriend but that they don't see themselves as a family. I'm with the posters who say that it's a
family expense within the resident family. If he's moved in then he's taken on a role within the family, not just moved in with the op.

[stressedatbest]

I find this thread utterly fucking staggering. The same people who rant about shared care, "no difference between mum and dad" have suddlenly, when it comes to it, decide there IS a gender difference after all and that the shortfall should fall to....wait for it. Mum. Go figure,
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.. Latemates. I love how you also make it the OP's responsibilty to 'push'm for 50-50, despite her clearly saying he didn't want it. Is there anything else you'd like to make the OP responsible for? Global warming perhaps?
Also love how you remind her not to ask for 'handouts'. Jesus.

Drizzela - great post.

[happyglowie]

I am in the same position now - my ex is going to start paying £200 p/m. Childcare costs we split which is £140 each. But I was wondering the same thing because i'm going to be left with £60 a month out of his money to help with her other costs. Which isn't really a lot where a 10 month old is concerned! I havent read through all the posts - but was a conclusion made? I've dropped money too, as i wanted to try and keep it amicable, according to CSA website it reccomends he pay £253 a month. But me trying to be nice as he is buying me out of the house, but now im a bit worried that im going to end up struggling but feel i cant really ask for any more on seeing it was my decision to leave him!! Any thoughts?