DD anxious about starting university and already wants to come home

[meowmeowcatcat]

It's been 24 hours. Dd got her course and halls at the university she wanted. Was excited to go until 2 days before she moved in.

It's not that far from home, 1.5 hours.

She's crying and feels anxious and stressed and crying loads. Keeps saying she wants to leave and hasn't even had lectures yet.

She's always been anxious and not good with change. She's been on anti anxiety meds since April.

Worried about the pre reading.
Worried about being away from home.

I've said to give it until at least the first reading week at the end of October.

Not really sure why I am posting this. My heart hurts but I am sure she will enjoy if she gives a little time.

Aww. Yeah she just needs to get through a few weeks. I think for a lot of people it is scary. She’ll most likely start to enjoy it soon. Really hard as a parent!

She would be home by now if she was mine.

Could you give her a weekend to come home in a couple of weeks, so she knows she has a shorter time frame to get through?

I was dreadfully dreadfully homesick and overwhelmed when I went to University… but by the end of the first term, it was a lot better.

What support did she get at school for her anxiety? Can you encourage her to seek out similar avenues for support at university? She won’t be the only young person who goes through this, but she will to an extent need to put her big pants on and try to power through. And somehow, no matter how hard it is to hear her cry and struggle, you’ve got to try and support her through that. I think it is really important that she try and navigate this tricky change.

It takes a little time to adjust to a new normal and it’s understandable that she’s feeling nervous. I’m sure she’ll settle once she’s started to get into a rhythm with it all.

Does she have a hobby (anything!) that she did at home that she could sign up for? Sport for sure, but also band, choir, book club, doing media for a society, dance, walking? It’s a great thing to have a date in your book of something you can do where you will meet others who also like that thing.

A bit of focus is such a help in what can be an overwhelming time. Has she gone out with her flatmates? Can she see if anyone is up for that? Are there freshers events they could go to together?

Has she managed to meet anyone yet? My dd started uni during Covid and it was very hard. She is also very anxious and quite reserved. She eventually steeled up enough courage to knock on another girls door (she told me later she had a shot of vodka first…!). And then together they knocked on other doors until there was a group of them interacting. It was not easy. She didn’t suddenly find her feet but managing to knock on that first door helped.

I don't agree with that approach. As a parent tour job is to support your child to be independent and work through problems, not swoop in to rescue them at the first sign of trouble.

Aside from medication does she have any strategies to work through her anxiety? What does she do in the evenings, does she have a hobby or interest? Is she talking to anyone there?

It's a massive adjustment, I cried every day the first week I was at university. But most students push through and are ultimately fine.

Is there a senior student in the halls? I did this role in my last year of uni and it helped both the students and the parents knowing there was someone to support.

This is why I encourage kids to take a gap year, get a job/ do some travel/ start to cut the apron strings. Going ‘cold turkey’ to university can be too much of a leap for some.

I was really happy to go to university and still thought "What the fuck have I done?" for the first few weeks and it all felt pretty strange, lonely, odd or grim at times for the entire first year really. It wasn't until the end of the first year and a law trip to Brussels that I really started to enjoy myself. Then my second year was a blast.

Freshers Week is not for everyone. She may bond better with classmates. Can you plan a visit to her in a week or 2?

I think she needs to problem solve this one for herself, she is an adult now. If she wants to come home for a weekend visit, she should manage to do the journey by herself if it isn't far.

Don't know if this is helpful but my first couple of nights at uni I was really homesick and didn't want to be part of the heavy drinking culture and thought I'd made a horrible mistake. Got up the courage to knock on a couple of doors with lights still on after the majority had gone out drinking on the second night and say hello, and the six of us that ended up going for a drink in a much quieter bar on campus that night are all still friends 22 years later and still go away together once a year 💙 she will find her people and her feet but it must be really hard to balance as a parent whether you encourage her to stay or come home.

I didn't ring home for the first three days. I was just like your daughter, in tears much of the time.Then the dreadful homesickness disappeared and I had a wonderful three years. I didn't go home in the first term but after that went home or people visited without any problem. Your daughter may be different but I would say she needs to give it a fair crack of the whip before coming home forever.

What, after 24 hours? Just, no, she needs to give it more time. If a parent swoops in and takes them home this early, they will likely reflect and be devastated they gave up on the course, the halls, and the uni that they wanted, without at least trying. Be there at the end of the phone with encouragement and sympathy for sure. But she needs to give more time or she will regret it. If after say, a term, it’s not for her then fair enough, but it’s way too early to say at the moment.

There’s no right answer here some are not ready, some need a different path, some need more support, some need a year or two out before trying again. I quit university at 18, after feeling awful in the first three months it never got easier I had 2 years out and worked, travelled then was ready to go to university. Now I have a 19yr old whose also taking a 2yr gap year whose working and growing and now looking at university next year. You don’t have to go at 18, or stick it out if you’re miserable give her the support she needs to make an informed choice about her options especially with student finance it can be better to withdraw quickly and then keep the option to use the funding in the future.

I will never forget a young lad I knew very well since he was baby whose parents took the same view as you. He was 18 and died at his own hands a week after. Like I said, she would be home by now and if that is bad parenting, the so be it.

It s an hou and a half away. Can you pop down on Sunday and take her for brunch and weigh up the situation. We did it for our younger dd but mainly for us as we had bad empty nest. We felt better knowing she had eaten ( she was a skinny kid until she had children years later) and of course she could barely have time for us after a few weeks.

I'm a senior lecturer and I've had big tall lads crying in my office from home sickness. It's incredibly common.

There will be people who can help. Student services, personal tutors...

What have they done for induction?

Which university is it. Can you say?

My friend's son comes home a lot. He's about an hour from home. Works for him.

I didn’t go away to university and I really struggled. I’m quite an anxious person and find it hard to make friends. It took me a good while definitely a month or so to find some friends and then a bit longer to feel comfortable with them. I’m sure had I been away that would have sped things up as we would have stayed in the same halls and bumped into each other more. She needs to give it some time and I’m sure she will settle I can’t imagine having the change of going somewhere new with new people and living away from home. Just be there to support and listen to her, set a timeline to discuss again and hopefully things will settle by themselves. Maybe just take it a week at a time for now so it’s not so overwhelming.

If she has diagnosed anxiety has she got any support set up yet? Wellbeing or disability team meetings? DSA?

Is she in university owned halls? What is their policy if a student withdraws? There will be a date by which she can withdraw and not incur any tuition fees but if she is tied into a housing contract its more difficult to leave. She should go speak to student services. Knowing her options and the date by which she needs to make a final decision might be helpful.

Most students get homesick. For some the absolutely right decision is to leave and come back better able to cope a year later. Some just need to ride out the feeling of everything being new and scary. Freshers is usually fairly chaotic on campus and lots of students don't start to settle in until classes start and they can start establishing new routines.

@Bogstandardname

but she might come to regret leaving so quickly. If she’s able to tough out the first couple of weeks she could end up having an amazing time!

She’s an adult now. Welcome to the big bad world where mummy isn’t always there to mop your brow. I think you need to be supportive but robust.

“it’s normal to find new situations stressful and overwhelming but you have to give it more than a day to decide you don’t like it. You will regret it forever if you quit now.”

I’ve been there with two of mine. They are now very happy. It’s hard though. You have my sympathy.