DD anxious about starting university and already wants to come home

[meowmeowcatcat]

It's been 24 hours. Dd got her course and halls at the university she wanted. Was excited to go until 2 days before she moved in.

It's not that far from home, 1.5 hours.

She's crying and feels anxious and stressed and crying loads. Keeps saying she wants to leave and hasn't even had lectures yet.

She's always been anxious and not good with change. She's been on anti anxiety meds since April.

Worried about the pre reading.
Worried about being away from home.

I've said to give it until at least the first reading week at the end of October.

Not really sure why I am posting this. My heart hurts but I am sure she will enjoy if she gives a little time.

I don't agree with this, persisting too long is a flaw equal to giving up too soon. People who carry on regardless often do that precisely because they are emotionally unaware.

@concertinacornflake The Op says her DD did want the uni experience! That’s why I replied in the way I did. She’s not communing because she wanted to live at the uni. What some others are doing is irrelevant and if she’s hours away, staying at home is irrelevant too.

Everyone who stays at weekends does have a very different experience from commuting students or ones who come home every weekend. This DD had said she wanted to move out and have the traditional uni experience and that means engaging at weekends and living with other students. If she wanted a stay at home student life, I guess she could have done. Coming home every weekend does absent a student from a great deal of the fun side of uni and often other students don’t really engage with DC who do this. For obvious reasons. Some dc and parents cannot cut the umbilical cord but if that’s the case, students should not pontificate on wanting the uni experience. They won’t get it.

Because we knew he didn't want to return i didn't want him having £7k of debt accruing interest.

There's a lot of judgement in here e.g. Some dc and parents cannot cut the umbilical cord

Some people don't leave for uni because they prefer to save money, or they already have lots of independence in their home town, or the stereotypical uni 'experience' just isn't their thing.

Some people don't need to cut the umbilical cord at 18, because they're already progressing naturally to adult independence. It's not the case that only those who study away are independent or have social lives.

And then what would her life consist of? It's not the army, surely she can give it a bit of a chance?

Yeh I replied to her straight away and had my comment deleted for some reason.

That’s not teaching resilience. I had the best time at University but remember crying everyday in the first week. It’s normal.

@concertinacornflake We are discussing the Op and her DD. Not your views on commuting to uni. It’s a well known phenomena that many parents and dc are co-dependent. They don’t accept dc should leave home and don’t bring up dc to be independent. They do indeed keep them attached and helicopter over them. Often for their own position of saving them money. No contribution to pay and they value that over their dc being independent and navigating life themselves. The op is not doing that but dd won’t accept responsibility for her own decision which is very immature at 19!

Really? And then what? She needs some resilience.

@Rocknrollstar These dc then start again and commute but this dd is already 19 so would be 20 if starting again. Others finish their courses at 21! Often staying at home restricts employment opportunities if there are no good employers available too. Many areas have this issue if rural. There may not be public transport to any uni either. These factors certainly concentrate the mind on leaving home for university because there are zero opportunities at home. City kids often have choice but rural dc don’t.

If a dc is thinking of leaving uni, it is worth looking into when they become liable for fees and accommodation costs.

Actually, OP's dd seems to be doing fine and it's my dd that this thread is discussing!

My dd has decided to stay at the university this weekend. She's been out every night this week and has now come down with a virus. A blessing in disguise, I think, as she really does need some down time. The constant socialising is overwhelming and exhausting. For her. Not for everyone. For her.

And it's not a race to finish university. I'm a big believer in taking your time and trying different things. For various reasons, I didn't graduate until I was 25. So what - what difference does that make in the long run?

Thanks to those who have been supportive - really appreciate your kind words.

I'm glad your DD has decided to stay and is hopefully feeling a bit more positive and settled - even if she's ill!

Everyone's experience of university is different and there's no one right way of doing it.

For what it's worth, I don't think going home at weekends would be that big a deal, as most student nights at clubs are midweek rather than weekend anyway. Some students work at weekends after all, without getting left out by their flatmates.

@coldcalling You do realise lots of clubs have closed don’t you? It’s not even the same as 15 years ago. There’s plenty of evidence that students are socialising at weekends and anything in midweek is a bit of an extra. The weekends are free days after all.

My DD is starting university next week. She's already 20, having taken a gap year and having a September birthday, and honestly I'm delighted that she is starting with a bit more maturity than she had this time last year. She's grown up so much this year. The idea that she's somehow got left behind is nuts. Actually I think she's going to be off to a flying start compared to how she would have been this time last year.

I live in a university city and have children of sixth form and university age so am well aware thanks 🙂

@coldcalling Well count up the clubs. I bet it’s less than 15 years ago. There are more private members clubs but these don’t attract students. In some uni cities clubbing is dead. Northern cities - maybe not!

"Everyone's experience of university is different."

Exactly that. One of our neighbours was telling me that 20 years ago, she hated the whole halls thing, so commuted from a long way away for most of the first year. Only stayed in her accommodation when she had a later finish then early start.

Lived with friends she'd made on her course for the next two years, still going home a lot.

None of that stopped her graduating and having a successful career as a journalist.

@feelthefearanddoitanyway Obviously it doesn’t stop anyone graduating . It does stop them fully maturing when compared to other grads of the same age. It stops full participation in clubs and societies and uni life. It’s treating uni as a job. Lots of people can make a success of their jobs and many didn’t need a degree at all.

Those are some pretty sweeping generalisations about someone you've never met MeetMeOnTheCorner.