DD anxious about starting university and already wants to come home

[meowmeowcatcat]

It's been 24 hours. Dd got her course and halls at the university she wanted. Was excited to go until 2 days before she moved in.

It's not that far from home, 1.5 hours.

She's crying and feels anxious and stressed and crying loads. Keeps saying she wants to leave and hasn't even had lectures yet.

She's always been anxious and not good with change. She's been on anti anxiety meds since April.

Worried about the pre reading.
Worried about being away from home.

I've said to give it until at least the first reading week at the end of October.

Not really sure why I am posting this. My heart hurts but I am sure she will enjoy if she gives a little time.

The job of a parent is to raise an independently functioning adult! OP will achieve that by supporting her DC to remain where she is and take things step by step.

There aren't and it's not working.

The people that I went to school with who came from the worse families - are all struggling in life now as adults.

The people that I went to school with who came from wealthy families where they were well supported, are all now in good jobs. Their families from being wealthy, also had good connections to get them into jobs. Where I work now, the boss (it's not a company owned by her) has her son and daughter working for her, for example

It's a broken system based on privilege and connections

I certainly know a number of people working as doctors who do not come from rich families. I don't know lots of lawyers but I can think off the top of my head of two YP I know who are currently studying law at uni, whose parents are teachers, a nurse and a comms professional, so very much not rich.

I do think that higher education, certainly going away to uni, is becoming much less affordable for families on a low or medium income; but that IMO is not an issue with the education system, but with how university study is funded. Not that I have a solution haha.

If it helps I booked an airbnb nearby the for a week to support this - did wfh from it and toured the area like a semi holiday while DS attended lectures etc - felt like once DD had the safetynet she was off and running with other students, she headed out for evenings with new groups etc

'Studying law at Uni, their parents are teachers so certainly not rich'. Did they have both parents then? Those law students sound like they came from a stable supportive background then.

My dad left my mother and I grew up struggling to survive in a one parent family, as did several other people that i know

I feel you are mixing up causation and correlation. Yes, for sure, people who are better off are more likely to be better educated and thus may value education more highly, promote it to their DC. But that doesn't mean higher education was not available to people from less well-educated backgrounds. If we tell people about the opportunities and make sure they take advantage if they are interested and capable (which does happen IME) then there is no causality of "my family is poor and that's stopping me going to uni” – like I say, not from an educational perspective anyway.

What do you mean by "there aren't and it’s not working”? If you mean there are not other routes to HE, well there are. And they may not be working as well as they might but every step is a step in the right direction.

Not sure how the boss getting their DC a job relates to access to higher ed tho.

If not that far away I’d drive up over the weekend and take her to lunch or something have a good natter and agree a timeframe on coming home for the weekend in 2-3 weeks and see if she can stick it out in smaller chunks of time

I was talking about multiple YP there and didn't specify single parent or not. As it goes, one person I know studying law is from a single-parent family.

I am sorry that you had a challenging time as a child and I think that might have coloured your viewpoint on this. But yes, as I say, I know a number of YP who were from single-parent families who went to uni and did really well (not all studying law, but I don't think that's the only marker of achievement).

@meowmeowcatcat apols for thread derail

I was just talking to some young people that I know. None of them can get jobs related to their degree topic.

Going to university isn't just about the subject. It's about all the other things you learn (or should learn):

Managing your time
Knowing how and where to find the resources you need
Reading, assimilating and analysing information
Constructing an argument
Writing an assignment in appropriate language and required format
Working to a deadline
Speaking and presenting in a group situation
Working in a group

The Educational system is not working and I think a lot of people can see that. It's not just poverty of money that affects people's access to education. It is poverty of care and support that affects access to Education

I actually work with teenagers at the moment. The teenagers that come from stable, supportive families are all doing well at school.

The teenager's that come from dysfunctional, uncaring, unsupportive families are not doing well at school. They are struggling to just get through life and take care for themselves. How are they going to do well at GCSEs and A levels.

It is completely unrealistic to expect all teenagers to be able to do well at the same exam, despite their life circumstances

That is exactly how the vast majority of esp girls lived when they left school when I was that age.
On the whole I don't think that generation were unhappier in their lives or felt they achieved less overall.
People who have aptitude and drive can progress in the workplace and do relevant training and qualifications later on.
I think the whole university business is overblown and often causes disappointment and stress.
As well as enormous debt.
And for what.
A colleague of mine had a daughter who played a straight game.
Studied hard. Did as advised. Got a degree in graphic design.
Took her ages to get a job.
Then found herself junior to same age people who'd been working in the industry since leaving school.
And wondered why she'd bothered.

I will always be there to mop the brow of my daughter. Age makes no difference. If she needs me, I’m there. 1 and a half hours away, I’m in the car, driving up to talk it through with her. “Robust” doesn’t work for everyone, in my daughter’s case it would do more harm than good.

I’ve always struggled with big changes too, and I’m naturally quite shy and anxious. I was just like this when I first started Uni. My parents must have been really worried. Within a couple of weeks, they’d stopped hearing from me at all! I ended up having the absolute time of my life. Hopefully your daughter will be the same - let her know that if she continues to hate it, you will work something out and she can always come home, but keep encouraging her to give it a chance for a couple of months first. With any luck, she’ll soon find her tribe and her independence, and she won’t look back!

I have never been an anxious person but moving to uni was the first time I experienced actual anxiety. I’ve never felt anxious like that since (10 years and three kids later). Honestly it is hard but she just needs to get through it. Make sure she’s set with a GP and all that, but there’s a 90% chance she will be fine and she’s just having a wobble. It does take time to find your feet and your friends, it doesn’t matter how outgoing you are.

One of the most pervasive lies about university is that you’ll have the time of your life and meet your besties in freshers week. Almost everyone I know had a moderate to terrible freshers week - but it almost always gets better. I think the pressure of freshers really doesn’t help, forced fun is never fun.

It's the first big change in most teenagers lives

Have you never encouraged your children to do anything that takes them out of their comfort zone?

My dad would send me post which helped when I was having a bad week. Nothing mega expensive but a book, a coffee gift card, a supermarket gift card, magazine, face mask

I was so, so ready to go. Had been treating my own home (and my boyfriend 's) like part time accommodation for a couple of years. Social life was built around the pub I worked in.

Had also watched too many films/ read too many books about uni in the older days. Uni in late 90s was not what I expected. The other students were just like the kids in school- only generally much better off - and having reality not match up was quite a shock. I'd never really been alone, and suddenly I was. Surrounded by really immature people who didn't appear to want to sit and put the world to rights.

Aw that's so nice. I can't even imagine having that experience. Imagine that someone would actually care enough about me to send me post! I wish I'd had a Dad. A lot of people don't have one.

I'd reassure her that it's perfectly normal to feel that way and most people are very anxious in that situation, even if they don't show it. It's a big change being away from home and friends. She is smart and brave though so you know that she will do great, she just needs to believe in herself. Be friendly with people and push herself to talk to others so that she meets new friends. Then reassure that you will always be there to support her when she needs you

Dont encourage her to come home, even for a weekend. Promise that you will visit in a few weeks. Did you send her off with a bottle of wine and a cake? If not visit soon, take both and encourage her to invite her flatmates in. She can ask if someone can show her where the nearest supermarket is, join any clubs that are going. Encourage her to believe she can do this.

I should perhaps make it clear that I do not dispute that challenging circumstances perhaps relating to HH income, but imo more probably to do with poverty of aspiration in your family, can be a massive barrier to accessing HE.

But there are actions in place to help and it’s important to be aware of this. It’s not as simple as rich people will do best. Yes it’s harder if you are the first in your family to consider uni, but if you have the ability the support is there. Should it be better? Yes probably. But many of the things @Flufffluff11 mentions are in place and are working to suppprt YP who don’t or can’t follow the straightforward path.

Why? What good would that do them? I was pretty miserable most of the way through uni but I stuck it out and moved on.

My dad didn't care about me being at uni (although he made it absolutely clear before that I must go to one). He was too busy spending time with his girlfriend. Didn't say anything about me getting into a very good uni. Didn't care about buying things I needed to take with me (towels, duvet etc), he gave me the money when I asked but couldn't care less. Didn't care how I got there, I drove with my friend's parents and watched them doting over her that she's starting university and they're so proud, looking at our flat and making plans over what else she needed. My mum was dying slowly in a hospice on the other side of the country so wasn't part of this at all. I was on my own. He visited me for the first time (only a 1.5 hour drive from my hometown) two years later when he broke up with his girlfriend and needed company. He took me to the cinema and it was the first time I got so much attention from him in years.

Years later I saw pictures of Barack Obama crying under his sunglasses while dropping off his eldest daughter at uni. It really triggered me because I understood what a good dad would do. Sometimes you have a dad but it feels like you don't.

Phone tbe university student support team and tell tbem you are worried about her. This is a
common experience and they will l know what to do. DC2 was like this. It didn’t last long. DC2 is graduating next year and doing well.