DD anxious about starting university and already wants to come home

[meowmeowcatcat]

It's been 24 hours. Dd got her course and halls at the university she wanted. Was excited to go until 2 days before she moved in.

It's not that far from home, 1.5 hours.

She's crying and feels anxious and stressed and crying loads. Keeps saying she wants to leave and hasn't even had lectures yet.

She's always been anxious and not good with change. She's been on anti anxiety meds since April.

Worried about the pre reading.
Worried about being away from home.

I've said to give it until at least the first reading week at the end of October.

Not really sure why I am posting this. My heart hurts but I am sure she will enjoy if she gives a little time.

I was like this at uni, don’t scoop her home. Maybe tell her to do a week and she can come home for a weekend etc keep her going a bit until she settles x

Is it easy for her to travel home in her own at weekends? If so, I'd suggest she comes home at the weekend for a while. It's very normal in many countries for young people to live at home and go to a local uni so nothing to be ashamed of in spite of what MNetters say.

Weekends can be very quiet and boring especially at the start when you haven't made good friends yet. Many students go home or are visiting friends in other unis.

Bring her home. I hated uni from the moment I arrived but my parents wanted me to ‘power through’.
I was utterly miserable for years. I should have stayed at home. Let her come home and change courses. Even now 30 years later the thought of being in halls still makes me anxious.

When I drove off after dropping mine he looked lost and broken as he stood waving us off, and I wondered what the hell I'd just done. He was very nervous about his flatmates, the work etc etc - but he found his feet very quickly, has made amazing friends and has just started his 3rd year (loving it).

Give your DD time, she knows she can call you and you'll be a sympathetic ear, but she needs to meet people and make friends - it can take a little time to do that. Perhaps you can make a date with her when you'll come and visit - maybe 3 weeks time? That'll give her time to settle in, while knowing she'll be seeing you soon..

Agree the first week or two can be really hard and it may simp,y not yet be the experience she anticipated. Is she taking her meds and eating properly. There are often wellbeing sessions in Welcome Week, like petting zoo, tasters in mindfulness and yoga, walks around the campus and location, society fairs, course introductions. Has she met those in her accommodation yet? I think social media can make this phase really tricky as her friends may be putting a gloss on their experience or social life if they have not yet gone, which makes hers feel as if it is falling short in comparison.

Tell her what my mother told me in 1978 ! If you still.hate it at Xmas fair enough give it up but stay the first term and give it a go . I stayed the first term and the rest of the 3 years . Loved the course and fellow students , hated London but it was only 36 weeks a year for 3 years . Passed with flying colours made a 40 year career out of it never regretted hanging on in there . Best of luck OP to your daughter x

My HF ASD boy has just started at UEA. He's settling okay with support. They need these changes to get by in life.

Try to aim for Christmas then make some decisions.

Go up and visit this weekend, have her to plan to come home the next one. She will find her feet but don't force her to 'push through'. Leaving home for university is a massive step and they are still very young.

Tell her to go speak to her student union. They’ll be able to point her towards her university’s counselling service (lots of CBT and help with anxiety etc) and they can suggest activities and places to meet friends or just be a place to hang out.

If she’s not even started lectures yet she’s probably just homesick.

Talk to her , ask her what bit is she doesn’t like or enjoy . Go visit her at the weekend , en outage her to try one week of classes and then let her decide. Ultimately uni isn’t for everyone.
where is she ? Maybe she’s at a uni where one of our children are and can reach out to get her out ?

Does your DD do yoga or any type of sport? Really encourage her to seek out yoga classes if such a thing is run at her University and to sign up for whatever sport she fancies.

Honestly, the impact on anxiety of a good yoga class is profound. I wish I had discovered it as a teenager. Thankfully running and swimming also helped me considerably in my younger day. And great for meeting others.

I too hated Uni and begged to come home, to start over at the local Uni, that first Christmas. Really wish I had, but thankfully just about survived 3 years. Served a purpose, knew home was for me. Zero uncertainty about returning to build a life post Uni.

Oh God. I agree. They are just so wet. I despair.

Has she knocked on doors and introduced herself to her flatmates/neighbours?
Get her to prop her door open while she's home so people can see that she wants to interact, or hang out in the kitchen.

It would be really easy hide in her room and not interact with anyone.

Even if her neighbours are not her people, a coffee or lemonade with them won't hurt, but it will expand her group and might introduce her to others.

I honestly think this is the occasion where you dig deep and give things a go. I was overwhelmed when I went to uni and if I had given up after the first few days (or even weeks) I would have missed out on what turned out to be the best few years of my life.

same with when I moved abroad. I rang my mum the first night and cried and cried but my parents supported me and encouraged me to stay even though they would have loved for me to come home. Again was an amazing experience where I grew as a person and more into an adult.

That is a horrible way to talk about young people. 18 is so young. Some are fine. Some need support.

Yes they are a very different generation who mature slower than we did perhaps. However, it's all completely different to when we were that age. There were fewer people going to university and access for youngsters with issues was probably non existent.

It's hard work for me and my colleagues, but it's really rewarding seeing young people build confidence and maturity through their degree.

We need more empathy in this world. Not calling people names. And yes, perhaps I agree that parents can be too involved at times when they need to back off, and no I wouldn't bring them straight home and encourage them to quit...but the criticism you have is for parents.

Why don't you go stay with her for a few days? Help her settle in, sightsee the city, get some essentials like registering with GP, getting ID card, done. It will help her feel comfortable with her new atmosphere.

Awww. I couldn’t ring home at first because hearing my family’s voices would have killed me - I had to email instead!

I went into it knowing that I would hate fresher’s week and I treated that as something to get through rather than a treat. I was focused on starting my actual classes and optimistically decided I’d make friends once I met the people on my course. And I did! By the time I’d been there for a month, I wouldn’t have left if you’d paid me. Best three years of my life, but the start was bumpy and I was terribly homesick.

Also, my mum said to me when I cried all over her just before I went up that I could stick anything out for six weeks, and if I hated it after six weeks I could come back home and we’d work out a new plan. Have you said that to your DD? It’s so reassuring to have a back up and for kids to know their parents have their backs. But they need to give it a fair try first!

Your job is to be strong and remind her that she CAN do this! She'll feel awful in the long run if she gives up before she even started.

These first weeks are hard, but they are also crucial for making networks, finding your way about, and getting to grips with learning before it gets too serious etc.

My view - I think you need to encourage her stay put for at least a month - but by all means arrange to go and see her for an afternoon a couple of times in that month -take her out for lunch or a treat - if you think that would give her something to look forward to and help her break the month into manageable chunks.

I think that Halloween-time is a turning point for many freshers: they have made a few friends, it's a big, fun night out to look forward to, flat parties etc - and then they're over the hump towards Christmas holidays. She really needs to try it until then.

Oh, it's heartbreaking isn't it, but it is very likely temporary and I think it's good to suggest not coming home until reading week. My daughter really struggled in her first weeks too, she cried a lot and we had at least two or three video calls in the first week.

I suggested she write a journal every night and that she'd soon see that even after a week she'd be happier then on her first or second day.

I think when lectures start it's a bit easier, because you're busy in the day and you meet more people.

Why don't you go stay with her for a few days? Help her settle in, sightsee the city, get some essentials like registering with GP, getting ID card, done. It will help her feel comfortable with her new atmosphere.

But then dd will miss out on opportunities to meet other students and socialise with them if she's spending her time with her mum.

I'd talk to her about this being a natural stress response to change. She's not actually in danger, she's adjusting. It's a shock, her system is panicking.

Could you go meet her for a walk, a look around?

There's no point pushing her to socialise unless she actually wants to as that risks making her more stressed.

My daughter & I cut contact with each other for the first week she went away. Its helped because we needed a period of time to get used to settling into the new normal. I wanted her to be independent and the only way to do that was literally chuck her out of the nest.

I’d say to her that of course she can come home any time she wants, and you’ll support her whatever she decides. There’s nothing worse for someone who’s in a situation that’s making them feel awful, than to tell them they must put up with it. If they feel that there’s the potential to leave if it gets too much, then that’s sometimes enough to get them through. As an adult (as so many are keen to point out) she can decide for herself if she wants to persevere for a few weeks, come back for a couple of days then try again, have a gap year or sack uni off altogether. You can’t force someone to be independent and confident. Both those will eventually emerge from a place of security and knowing someone’s got your back, not from being thrown in the deep end and left to flounder, whatever your age.

We’ve just been through something very similar with DD. She initially settled ok and then on day 5&6 spiralled. She had a massive panic attack when she met her course mates and spent 48 hours in a terrible state. We’ve brought her home.

You know your own child, a few years ago I would have said the same as some other pp that you have it tough it out and you can’t molly coddle them but having been through a horrific period two years back where she was intent on killing herself I couldn’t take the risk. We told her to give it two days and then she could make the decision to come home if she wanted. She’s now realised she’s not ready to leave home and has switched to a local uni.

Our experience is different to a lot of friends whose children struggled but ultimately stuck it out and enjoyed it and if she was a different child I would have encouraged her to stick it out.

But that wouldn't help her overcome anxiety or understand it is normal to feel it but important not to give in to it, if you want to live a fulfilling life.

OP, just reassure her it is perfectly normal to feel like this. Loads of people do. But she can handle it, and she needs to give it a chance.