DD anxious about starting university and already wants to come home

[meowmeowcatcat]

It's been 24 hours. Dd got her course and halls at the university she wanted. Was excited to go until 2 days before she moved in.

It's not that far from home, 1.5 hours.

She's crying and feels anxious and stressed and crying loads. Keeps saying she wants to leave and hasn't even had lectures yet.

She's always been anxious and not good with change. She's been on anti anxiety meds since April.

Worried about the pre reading.
Worried about being away from home.

I've said to give it until at least the first reading week at the end of October.

Not really sure why I am posting this. My heart hurts but I am sure she will enjoy if she gives a little time.

Yes I agree. I also had a dad that was alive, that didn't care about me in any shape or form. He didn't care if I was dead or alive. Many people don't have a dad. Many people have a present dad that isn't a good dad. I understand your pain. Theres always the feeling of 'why couldn't my dad love me, and why do other people get good dad's but I don't' the feel of unfairness. It's complete luck. We are either born to assholes or to nice people.

I send you a compassionate hug

I think having good, supportive parents is true wealth in life. It is worth More than money

Agree that a gap year helps them mature a bit more.

In OP case, I will tell her daughter she will adjust and that she can come on the weekends when she wants to. She needs to give it a term I think.

I mean I had an abusive mother that he enabled so life wasn’t sunshine and roses. I was just giving OP an idea

Thanks for sharing

It can be very lonely the first few days but that changes once you settle in. The important thing is she gets out, meets people and interacts with them. Tell her to sit a while in the communal kitchen/lounge a few times every day. She’ll find people she gels with. If she’s shy, give her some conversation starters.

Dont let her dwell on her anxieties and turn her focus in. Explain that loads of other students will be feeling like her. If she works hard to make herself talk to people at every opportunity she sees, not only will she be helping herself, she’ll be helping them. I found my best friend at uni this way. I made myself go up and speak to a girl who looked like she might be someone I’d get on with, we had a coffee - and stayed friends all through uni and after.

Dont let her come home too early. I was at uni 7hrs from my home, and when my dad said that to me, I thought he was worried about the cost of train travel, but actually he was wise enough to know it takes some weeks to settle in.

She needs you to be strong, encouraging and matter of fact. Make practical suggestions and stay upbeat and reassuring.

@Pleaetellmethiswillpass The problem is that the nervous anxious ones don’t do much in a gap year either in terms of moving away from
home. The engaged outgoing capable ones will travel but how is sticking around at home work? If you cannot enjoy meeting uni people at 18, you won’t at 19 if you remain anxious. These kids are too anxious to get out and travel or even work sometimes.

I agree with every word of this post. I have indeed been being strong, encouraging, matter of fact and making practical suggestions.

My dd is so tired, hungover and overwhelmed that she can't think straight. She wants to come home, which isn't the answer but I am at a loss.

@feelthefearanddoitanywayTired and hungover? Having a good time then!? Managing yourself through this is a process: it’s about growing up and maturing. It is important you say no. Go away for the weekend! You don’t have to be available for a hungover adult at university. They need to learn responsibility for their own actions.

Oh, I wish things were as simple as that! I honestly do.

But when she's saying that she wants to be dead, me pushing her away doesn't seem the best idea. I don't think she's actively suicidal ie no plan, it's more that she can't see a way forward and feels that she can't cope.

And yes I've suggested that she contact Student Services/GP. That is one of the many practical suggestions that I've made. Probably too many suggestions. I don't know.

No wonder young people can’t cope with anything anymore

I’ve always had horrible anxiety. Diagnosed autistic in adulthood. I was awful at uni for the first few weeks. I cried and hated it for a few weeks. My mum comforted me daily and brought me home every weekend and also drove to see me on really bad days. And promised me that if I still hated it in 3 months I could stop. I fucking loved it after 3 months and hardly ever came home even at weekends! You can support a young adult without just letting them quit and stop everything after 24 hours.

Yes, not wanting to derail this thread (although OP hasn't been back) that's exactly my plan. Give her as much support as she needs to keep going.

She turns it all into a battle with me, which is exhausting, when the actual battle is with herself. She knows this when she is calmer.

@feelthefearanddoitanyway She’s not mature enough for university away from home is she?

It sounds like the change itself may be overwhelming her at the moment, rather than the university or course being the problem. The first few days can feel very strange when everything familiar has suddenly disappeared.
I think your idea of giving it some time is sensible, but I’d try not to put too much pressure on her to decide whether she likes university yet. Even getting through the first week, meeting a few people and attending some lectures could make things feel very different.
The pre-reading can probably wait until she feels a little more settled too. One day at a time. I hope she starts to feel more comfortable soon. ❤️

She was adament that she wants to leave home. She wouldn't even look at universities commutable from home. It's the whole 'experience' that she's interested in.

My dd's 19 and a half. I sort of feel that she has to make this step sometimes, and this is the 'easiest' way to leave home ie you're home half the year anyway and can go home at weekends.

@feelthefearanddoitanyway Going home at weekends is not the “uni experience”. She’s missing most of it if she’s not intending to be there at weekends and won’t be invited to parties or included on nights out. She would be absenting herself. So I don’t think she’s been very honest about what she wants, with your or with herself.

My advice is check the contract. I talked my unhappy son in to staying until end of October and it cost me £7k! Had he left the week before it would have cost less than £1k.

Um, I wasn't talking about every weekend. Some weekends, mainly the long holidays.

Although Flocke's experience was that going home at weekends to start with is what helped her settle and enjoy university, which is interesting and as good a way to cope with the first term as any.

She needs to understand that feeling homesick is a normal feeling. The solution to homesickness is not to run home. Its ok to feel the feelings and feel a bit sad or low, these feelings usually pass or come and go with less frequency. Hopefully she can give it a bit longer to try and adjust. I'm sure there are plenty of other students in the same situation. I would ask her to give it her all until Christmas and then reasses.

Yep. We've spoken about how the only solution to homesickness is to stay where she is so that things become more familiar and not everything is new all the time. Also, that these feelings will pass.

we dropped dd off and went back the next day with the food shop
she cried and wanted to come home
it is far too soon
you have done the right thing @meowmeowcatcat suggesting october imo

why did you pay?

Your job is to help her become a well rounded, capable adult who can make her own way in the world. Giving up on something because it’s hard is a quick way to become emotionally stunted. Tell her to give it at least until Christmas - if she still completely hates it after that, maybe it’s not for her, but giving up in the first week is ridiculous.

Not everyone needs or wants that 'uni experience ' Things have changed, sone unis have high numbers of commuting students who have lives at home at the weekend.

What matters is this individual gets a life that works for them, so they get a qualification and have a decent time.

For some, all the partying is why they don't enjoy uni!