DD anxious about starting university and already wants to come home

[meowmeowcatcat]

It's been 24 hours. Dd got her course and halls at the university she wanted. Was excited to go until 2 days before she moved in.

It's not that far from home, 1.5 hours.

She's crying and feels anxious and stressed and crying loads. Keeps saying she wants to leave and hasn't even had lectures yet.

She's always been anxious and not good with change. She's been on anti anxiety meds since April.

Worried about the pre reading.
Worried about being away from home.

I've said to give it until at least the first reading week at the end of October.

Not really sure why I am posting this. My heart hurts but I am sure she will enjoy if she gives a little time.

Lucky for her she isn't

My girl was this in first year. Now third year and prepared to peddle her wares as President of her cosplay society during Freshers week

Maybe she'd be better commuting from home to do a degree.
If she really wants to do one at this stage.
It's not compulsory.
Nor is being resident elsewhere to do it.
There are many other possibilities and options.
I see no value in unnecessary suffering.

Tell her to wait until reading week and reevaluate then

That is not going to help her. After only 24 hours, letting an anxious young person immediately abandon university can simply reinforce the idea that escaping discomfort is the answer. Then they will be living at home forever.
My daughter was the same after about four weeks, and I just had to do a bit of tough love and say, look, you have worked really hard to get where you are. This is where you picked, where you wanted to go, and you have to give it a chance. I encouraged her to be the one to speak to people, be the person to ask somebody if they wanted to go for a coffee, a drink, join organisations,
She was like a different person come Jan in first year. She is absolutely blooming in all aspects of her life. I cried harder this year when she went back after the summer as she was in such a good place she was a joy to be around. I think back to last October when she wanted to quit and I am glad I told her she had to try and stick with it. Of course as a mother you want to scoop them up and protect them but it really doesn’t help them.

Hugely inappropriate comment. Students taking their own lives is hardly unheard of. Are you always so insensitive.

They aren’t wet, they are young adults in a new environment, away from everyone and everything that is familiar to them.

OP, whilst I don’t think you should go and bring her home, I do think there is nothing wrong with taking a gap year, or three in my DD’s case!

i hope she seeks support, makes some friends and starts to settle.

Do not bring her home. The first few weeks are pretty bad for a lot of kids. Homesickness is normal. My DD struggled hugely for the first term and really didn’t find her feet at all. She struggled to make friends and it wasn’t helped by a boyfriend at another uni. I told her she needed to get to Christmas and if she still hated it she could leave.

At Christmas she wasn’t loving it but decided to go back. By February she had totally found her feet and her people and now she’s living her best life with wonderful friends. She always liked the course which was a factor

Talk her through it but don’t bring her home. She’ll likely settle but she absolutely needs to give it time, certainly more than 24 hours. Fear nerves trepidation and homesickness are normal feelings and we have to let them feel them

They are incapable adults. It is an emergency for them and wider society.

I spent the whole of freshers week crying in my room. By Christmas, I was so settled at uni I almost didn't want to come home for the holidays!

It's a weird week: you've just moved away from everyone you know, there's no real routine, nobody around you knows what they're doing either, etc.

Unless she's genuinely in crisis, I think she should at least give it a couple of weeks of normal classes and routines before making a decision.

I would deffo encourage her to give it a shot. It's just new, weird, scary but it's also exciting, full of possibilities and interesting. Just a whole mixed bag.
I understand with the anxiety but that will start to get better, the more familiar she becomes with a new routine and new friends? She may regret not trying at least and it's also part of life. Nothing stays the same and sheltered forever.

This was me almost 30 years ago. I went from a small farm in the middle of nowhere to the high street of Oxford. I had never experienced street lights before and I had never heard sirens. I was about 3 hours away and this was before mobiles. My parents told me to give it a term and we could then reassess. A few weeks. They came to visit me half way through. It was awful but I am glad I stuck it out. It does get better. It isn’t fun. I lost a lot of weight. But I had to do it. I imagine my dad would have brought me home and my mum was just she needs to get used to it despite the fact my mum missed me a lot. Hope she can settle. It will get better.

When I went to Uni I was upset all of the first year.

I think 17/18 is way too young to move away from family really

I made friends on my course and societies. Hardly socialised with my hall group beyond a freshers week that involved six trips to nightclubs in seven days. I am not sure I could do that now..it would kill me!

There is student support at universities - encourage her to seek this out. They will be very familiar with this scenario and will help her find her feet.

Just as when you start a new school it takes a while to find your tribe and settle in with them. And not going home every night is challenging to begin with.

What is the set up in her accommodation - there is usually a whole gang of people all in the same boat and only too keen to find some company.

If she is clinically ill with anxiety then maybe she needs to defer for a year to address her health problems, but if she is just feeling nervous and finding it hard to think how she might deal with this new situation then encouraging her from the sidelines might be the best thing. Only you know which category your DD falls in to.

I have a third year and a fresher (who hasn’t gone yet). I would go and see her, not necessarily with a view to bringing her home, but to see how she is, see what exactly the problem is and see if she can be cheered up by going somewhere nearby with you. See if she needs supplies, help, anything.

I definitely wouldn’t ignore the situation. I might stay in a nearby hotel overnight if practical and see her the next day as well.

It‘s really difficult. Some people can’t leave for uni at 18 and many feel really humiliated about it. I know several people that shit has happened to - one who left after uni a week but kept it secret for months as felt shame (friends wouldn’t have judged) and I know another who killed himself after a week or two of uni. Others have a hairy time in the first week or few weeks and then adjust. The poster on here who’s described struggling young people as pussies or wet needs to think about what they’ve said. Some people can take fighting in the army in their stride. Others are afraid to leave their house. People are different. Is that really news to these posters? Most adults would not like to be dropped off in an unfamiliar city knowing nobody.

University is so often labelled as exciting, independence gaining, social etc. But it can be terrifying, difficult, lonely and stressful. Apparently more than half of freshers consider leaving.

Go and see your dd and determine the best course of action. If you can manage a hotel for a day or two and see her into any induction sessions or lectures,
it may help.

My eldest made his best friend at uni in a lecture. The boy came up to my ds in the lecture hall and said can I sit with you. And they began chatting and shared a house in 2nd yr and will do for 3rd yr.

There was no student support at my university!

Normal to be a bit unsettled but she doesn't sound very ready for uni to be honest. I do think she needs to give it longer though as it hasn't even started properly yet.

I remember going to uni. I hated the first week, tempted to leave but by week 2 I kinda got used to it and by week 3 loved it. She’ll figure it out

I think it's un- natural really to go far away from home at 17.

I was told it was the done thing to do. Now I look at my cousin who went against the grain , didnt go to Uni and lived with his parents until he was 30. He saw so much more of his family. And I have to say - he was much happier in his life than I was in mine

Week 1 (or more) is tough. For young people and for parents!
My DD started uni 2 years ago. She is pretty shy, a homebody and has social anxiety. It took her 2 hours to put any of her stuff in the kitchen because she was worried about meeting her flatmates. We all cried (me, DH and DD) and driving away in the eve seeing her crying at the window was horrible.
But she was ok and we were ok. For the first few weeks she had some zoom sessions with a psychologist which i think was helpful. And the first term, admittedly, we visited every few weeks (we are just over an hour from uni) But she found societies and clubs and got stuck in. Fast forward to this year and she was desperate to go back a week early.
Good luck @meowmeowcatcat , I hope your DD is ok

@Flufffluff11

was he really though?

You know your child, but in general many feel same for first week/month/term and it works out well in the end. That was DD and she’s now entering fourth year and has really flourished (despite being quiet and not drinking, she found her tribe eventually). DS on other hand who has more severe anxiety stuck it out for first term but with us visiting several times, lots of help from student support but all agreeing in the end it wasn’t for him - both his and our mental health suffered that term. But we still all agree it was right for him to try and not give up immediately.

My advice is to arrange to go and see her in 2-3 weeks, so she has that to look forward to / aim for, but in meantime support from afar, including practical advice, and encourage her to join something hobby or sport related and to be brave about trying to meet flatmates or course mates, or at least get out of her accommodation for a walk or into town to buy herself a food treat. I’m sure you know that with anxiety sometimes they have to “feel the fear and do it anyway” and often it then works out, but sometimes it won’t.

Yes he really was. Him and his parents are so close.

Looking back, I really regret moving out of my parents home so early.

I had very little choice. I was told by every influence around me that I had to go Uni and there was no uni near my parents house