DD anxious about starting university and already wants to come home

[meowmeowcatcat]

It's been 24 hours. Dd got her course and halls at the university she wanted. Was excited to go until 2 days before she moved in.

It's not that far from home, 1.5 hours.

She's crying and feels anxious and stressed and crying loads. Keeps saying she wants to leave and hasn't even had lectures yet.

She's always been anxious and not good with change. She's been on anti anxiety meds since April.

Worried about the pre reading.
Worried about being away from home.

I've said to give it until at least the first reading week at the end of October.

Not really sure why I am posting this. My heart hurts but I am sure she will enjoy if she gives a little time.

She can’t be encouraged to give up this early in. She’s already dealing with anxiety so it’s absolutely to be expected that she might have a bit of a freak out. It’s a huge change. I’d tell her I know it’s scary, but that I can’t in good conscience let her come home when I know in my heart she’ll regret it down the track. She needs to persist for a bit.

Good advice

These comments are a representative example of the situation at hand. Most people start off homesick then settle and enjoy uni. Some don't settle but come back to uni after a gap year or so. A handful never settle and uni just isnt for them.

All responses are valid. I do think it is important for your child to give it time. I hate uni until about Christmas then I settled. I did sneak home for a weekend after 2 weeks but it didn't feel right being back either.

Encourage her to give it til Xmas then see how she is.

Finding a good society really changed things for me because I made loads of friends and had activities around the thing I was interested in. I didn't fit in with the girls in my flat but the soc was great.

This is not helpful. She's only been there 24 hours!

We dropped DS off last Sunday and was on the phone in tears to me on Tues. As another poster said 'Freshers' Week isn't for everyone' and I agree. He came home on Weds and will go back today.

What you provide as a parent is support, understanding, kindness, but also gentle firmness, reminding them what they want to achieve and helping them to be brave enough to stick it out, or at least to give it a fair shot. In the case of our DS, he can come home every weekend to start with if he feels he needs he needs it, but he does need to be there Mon-Fri. He's 4 hours away by train (longer by car), so not easy to pop home, but it's doable, if that's what he needs to get settled.

@Flufffluff11

maybe your parents were ready for you to move out then though?! I know mine were! I wanted to go out and come back late, being back boyfriend etc and they were in bed ready for work next day and not impressed.

No my mother wasn't ready for me to move out when I left. She told me she cried for the whole first year that I was at Uni. Anytime she brought me to get the bus back she said that she would cry on the way home. I was so young. 17

I think the Uni system is harsh. It expects 17 year olds to live far away from their parents. Of course it causes upset for the parents and child. And it wasn't really my choice to go. We are all very heavily pressured to go to Uni. That if we don't go we are a failure. There were no apprenticeships near me at the time

What I would like to have actually done is get an admin/receptionist job, live at home until I was about 20, then rent in a shared house near my parents

@Flufffluff11

but surely going to uni meant you could have a chance at the career you wanted?

No my Uni degree didn't help me in a career at all really.

I work in something completely unrelated to my degree.

I was just talking to some young people that I know. None of them can get jobs related to their degree topic.

@Flufffluff11

thats a shame. Obviously it does help some people - doctors, lawyers, dentists, pharmacists etc all have to go to uni, for example.

I think staying living at your parents house until 30 isn’t ideal really - for the person or their parents

🙄

Oh bless her, it’s a really big change for her.

I wouldn’t rush to bring her home just yet, as others have said ask her to speak with student services and her tutor to explain how she’s feeling. It is really common to feel how she’s feeling.

Hopefully she’ll feel better when she starts her lectures and starts meeting people. Are there any societies she’s interested in? Could you plan a day visit next week to have a mooch about the local area?

Well I think the education system is inherently unfair.

You need very high school results to be a Doctor for example.

This doesn't take into account teenager's home circumstances. For example, when my friend was a teenager, My friend's dad left their family. Her mum was not coping. I remember that my friend's brother was in psychiatric hospital for a while, while my friend was a teenager. She was basically looking after herself and just trying to survive at 15. How is she ever going to be able to study enough to get the grades to be a doctor/lawyer.

It's an unfair system

Get it together

I think the OP is probably right that in a short period of time her DD will be ok.

As for university in general, far too many people go, and the alternatives are unreasonably looked down upon as somehow failing. One of the things I will always see as something wrong about Tony Blair's time in office.

@Flufffluff11

how could it be better and fairer do you think?

@Bogstandardname

i doubt she would have gone in the first place if she was yours!

You’d have her drop out of uni rather than help her to manage very normal feelings of nervousness about change?

I can see that will have been memorable as so tragic but it is very unusual fortunately, whereas panicking at the beginning is common.

With so many factors at play it's impossible to have a level playing field. Yes some YP have to deal with very challenging circumstances. There are ways that concessions can be made for that – contextual offers (a very blunt tool it is true) and special consideration by unis of circumstances such as young carer, home educated so perhaps fewer quals; foundation years are also a genuine way in to higher ed for many YP who have struggled up to that point.

I am also interested to know what you would suggest @Flufffluff11

Btw I see you keep saying going to uni at 17yo is not a great idea – I gather it can be different in Scotland but most UK YP are 18 or older when they go to uni. Certainly all the ones I know or have known, including during my uni time many years ago (in England), were 18 or 19 or older. It's possible to take A levels as a 17yo but by 31 August of year 13 you will be 18 in England, unless for some reason you skipped forward a year (very very unusual).

Edited for clarity

Don't have a one size fits all educational blanket -' you must get these grades to get into a course'. It's stupid.

Check teenager's home lives. If they have a more challenging home environment. Say they only have one parent, poverty, or neglect - give them more support and give them an alternative way to access higher education other than (you must get this grade to get into a good course).

Another thing - how can sitting an exam at 17 be the main determiner of if someone can be a good lawyer or not.

Let people have more roads and access, and different paths into education

Mine has just left for Year 2. Last year she had about 2 weeks of feeling really awful when she arrived, very anxious, tearful, not sleeping etc. She found a very lovely staff member in the accommodation office who helped her find her feet and some gentle fresher activities to try (not the drinking party type). We did lots of FaceTime and phone calls to reassure her and managing baby steps each day. By the time lectures started she had begun to feel more settled. It’s a huge change and I’m sure many of them feel a level of homesick to some degree. I’d say try not to worry but I worried
loads! In the end she loves the course, made some friends and is really happy to be going back this year. Hang in there!

Oh well that would help her grow! NOT

Lots of that happens already. Contextual offers, foundation years, Access to HE, etc. it's not a perfect system but there are various alternative paths to university.

And yet the only Doctors and Lawyers that I know....all came from rich families.

Strange that.

The whole education system needs a complete overhaul.

All those things happen to some degree though.

One size fits all/you must get these grades – Unis have discretion to offer different grades and to accept lower grades achieved; plus there is a range of unis with very varying offers.

Teens’ home lives – if they supply the information then they may well get special consideration (eg I know of a young carer who was very much supported by their uni); and as noted contextual offers (grades lower than usual) can apply for students meeting specific criteria relating to area they live, school they attend, family history of not going to uni.

Sitting an exam at 17 or 18 is not the main determiner of whether someone will be a good lawyer. Exams are a pretty blunt tool it’s true, but I think they are a decent way to show your learning and your ability. if someone does a lot worse than their ability would suggest they should, there are other routes. Again I know a number of YP who did badly in their A levels but retook, got a uni place in clearing, took a gap year, and who have ended up doing really well in their chosen careers.

There are many many different paths.

ETA I typed slowly and @coldcalling made my points more concisely :)