My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

It would be a no thank you from us.
Realistic few grandparents can afford fees for 3 grandchildren.

Is it really only 9k a year? Not a term?

you need to do what suits all of you? Would you have considered this school otherwise? What are your secondary school options like? A change of environment is coming either way.

I'd have said no and none of the dc would even know about the offer that had been made as I wouldn't have told them.
Not sure what you can do now that they know about it, ds wants to go to the school and dd thinks her brother is being favoured. Will no doubt cause a life time of sibling issues.

It'd be a no from me, you have no idea what the educational needs of a 4 and 7 year old are... what if at age 10 they are also fed up with their state school?

it would be a no for me.

my auntie paid for her son to go to private school because he did so well at sports. He packed the sports in and is a dentist.

she ‘couldn’t afford’ to send the younger one. He always felt less, even the school trips were so much better at private school, the private school friends some of them had lots of money and would take eldest cousin to days out and went on holiday with other families 3 times. Younger cousin is a teacher so did well but he does feel how he could have done so much better if he had the opportunity

How would your 7 year old know that grandma is paying and that the school is “posh”? Surely just “DS is starting a new school” is all that’s needed? Does your DD (and younger DS) like their current school, have friends there etc?

I agree with your DH.

Equal isn’t fair either!
Maybe dd will want to do an expensive hobby and your mum will help her that way.
We have a ‘tricky’ kid and he had far more money spent on him because it was necessary (private school/counselling/rent) His siblings know this and have never asked for money to balance things out.

£9k a year is so cheap for private school my concern would be that it’s not viable and will close down leading to more upheaval.

But yes. I would say no if it’s an offer for 1 and not for the other 2.

It would be a no from me, your Mum is using money to control you already so what do you think she will do when your DS has been there a few years and you won't do what she wants?
GP's paying school fees is never good unless they pay upfront so it can't be withdrawn, our DC went to private school but if the only way to afford it was for someone else to pay we wouldn't have done it

Go for it. Grandma can justify her decisions any way she likes. Think of the benefit it’d bring your son.

You have to say no unless you have a clear route to afford it for the other DC if they need it. Playing favourites between siblings is a terrible thing to do.

Why does she think he needs a different school? Do you think he needs a different setting, if so why?. You're his mother and that decision should be yours and your H's and not your mother's. I note he is saying no and to my mind for the right reasons.

Is your mother a pushy and or boundary trampling sort?. Do you find it hard to push back against her?. (Generally speaking independent fee paying schools are not always a great fit for children who have learning difficulties).

I would decline her offer also because it can and will cause problems between your DS and his other siblings (as you are already seeing); children do not readily forget things like this and such can last into adulthood.

Most likely they will be fed up at 10. Lots of pupils are. A lot of children would benefit from a private school but yet few can afford it.
Why should the younger siblings be that different - and they will know the first child got a private school place paid.

It would be a no from me, I wouldn’t have one child treats differently from the others.

i also don’t believe in private schools and people getting a better education just because they pay for it, I think it’s ridiculous.

It would be a no for me too. Some things are more important that a better education (better, because it's not like he'd get none elsewhere), and one of them is not driving a wedge between siblings in a way that can almost guarantee resentment down the line.

If your mum wants to improve DS's lot, she can consider tutoring, giving him time and attention to get to the bottom of why he's switched off (this should really be your job), finding ways to get him re-energized about school. She may want to help your first child but she can't do it in a way that would actively harm the other two.

They know a lot that age. It won't work as an explanation now or in future why one chikd went to public and two to state.

An absolute No from me.

And you have been foolish to agree and tell your children before everything was discussed and confirmed. Whatever happens now will be a shit show.

DS will resent you if he knows you refused the offer when he thought he was going. DD will resent you if she knows her older brother is at a posh school that she thinks is better and she's not. Who knows what DS2s needs or wishes will be? DH will resent both you AND your mother for deciding what should have been agreed between both parents, whereas it sounds like you've overridden his wishes.

Also, £9k a year is really basic for a private school and it will be absolutely no frills. £9k a term is more realistic. And what happens when he hits 11? Is he going to be pulled out again and sent to the nearest secondary school? Or is she paying for him up to 18?

I would let her pay. DS needs it.

Is he not going to move to secondary school soon? What are the options for that?

No unless your dc has SEN that a state school cannot cater for but I would be worried a 9k a yr school wasn’t financially viable

I’d absolutely say no to this.

I don’t think being a bit fed up with school is enough to justify such different treatment. Especially as presumably he’ll he going to a new school next September anyway?

Why is your son apparently so disengaged at 10 years of age?. What is at the heart of this?.

Your mother will also not have to live with the consequences of her decision but you and your kids will. Indeed you yourself have not acted as wisely as you could have done here by actually telling your dc about this.

Agreed. Imo it's not fair. .I would forget the idea and work on making things better for him at his current school.
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This. OP you must know deep down that this is wrong of your mother. Its also not her place to discuss adult matters with the other kids. You are the parent here and your DH.