My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

9k a year? Really? Most are that a term

Why does she know it's a posh school? Id say 'it's not posh. X is finding his school hard and we think it might help him. We know you are doing so amazingly at school so you get to stay with your friends, lucky thing !'

It’s a no from me too. You have three children to think about and the potential for long term disharmony and upset if you send one child to private, and not the others, just isn’t worth it IMO.

I would say no, as its not fair on the other children. There is nothing to say he would be better off at a private school and anymore engaged etc.

Also can your parents afford to keep the fees up? 9k a year seems very low, I would expect it to be closer to 9k a term. Fees increase every year and are typically most expensive at the GCSE years, and then on top of this there is always a yearly increase due to intrest.

Also be aware that if they were to pass away within seven years of their last payment you would be liable to pay tax on the fees.

Why would he stay where he is, is he not off to secondary next year anyway? Or are you in a middle school area? Or do you mean there’s a set feeder school route for secondary from his current primary? Sorry just a bit confused by what you mean regarding him staying where he is because if he’s moving to a bigger secondary next year anyway it may solve most of the current issues.

However, I do believe in right school for the right child, and I’m not dead set against private for 1 if it’s for a good reason but I’d expect you to be able to choose the best school for each DC and that if private is on the table for one, it should then be a potential option for all 3. Your other 2 are tiny and you have no way of predicting the future- they may go on to struggle in a state school and it would be hugely cruel if they weren’t offered the same opportunities, should they need them, as DS1.

Also a tiny private school charging only 9k a year in fees and presuming that’s not a typo I’d be shocked if it was economically viable and will last long enough to get DS through his GCSEs. Even if money was no object and your mum had offered to pay for all 3 I wouldn’t consider somewhere like that.

His current school should be differentiating the dc & pushing the more capable ones

Fair doesn't mean everyone gets the same thing. Fair means everyone gets what they need.

My parents found a private school which really suited me and brought out the best in me. I managed to win a scholarship there, so although there was the slight issue of it being on a different continent it wasn't a particularly onerous financial undertaking, at a time when private school fees were much more affordable anyway.

In the interests of 'fairness' they forced my sister to attend the same school and almost bankrupted themselves to do so. There is no-one on this planet, dead or alive, in my family or at the school, who believes that was the right decision for her or anyone else and it has caused a lifetime of misery for too many people.

@Sugargliderwombat but the OP can’t afford to give the 7 & 4 what they need & she doesn’t know what they need yet!

If you could afford the £9K yourself (but no more), would you pay for your eldest and leave the other two where they were?

£9k a year? That’s 7.5k before labours tax? Are you sure that’s the correct amount or is that with some sort of bursery?

It would be an absolute no from me too. I wouldn’t even have let the idea get to DS.

They both went to state primary. DS1 is autistic and is a very slow learner. State secondary school had Send provision which private didn't (academic school) so it wasn't really a choice- they wouldn't have accepted him.
He's in Send vocational training now and is happy. There are other routes than only the academic ones thankfully.

His teacher thinks he needs more challenge.

His teacher is the one responsible for giving that to him!

Nah, prioritise the super girl not the stroppy boy.

I know someone whose grandparents did this for one of their children for the same reason, extreme bullying. Bullying can be so awful and ruin a child’s life and education. You just need to frame this a lot better with the other two, it’s not about that your eldest is special, it’s about the fact that he can not stay at his current school.
why do your youngest think it’s a posh school as well, you could have just told them it’s a different school, no need to say it’s posh, better or that he is more special.
the child is being bullied and can’t stay at his current school.

On the flip side if you say no, your son may grow up feeling he should hold himself back from what he needs to thrive, to make others feel better. Children are not the same and what is needed by one may not be needed by the other. He’s not going to the school because it’s posh or he’s better, it’s because it’s potentially the right environment for him. This is how it should be framed. His siblings will learn that people are individuals and just because someone else has something, doesn’t mean that it’s automatically right for them too. His sister is already thinking in envy and hierarchies, when in reality that’s not the case.

He is bored. Not bullied.

💯

It's a no-brainer. You already answered this. Your child needs it and your mother offered to pay. So accept. Explain to your other children what you said about it having nothing to do with favourites.

We have sent one of ours to private school and not the other 2. All of ours have had a very different education and it's what has suited them. I can't say for certain but I dont think my others would have suited/ benefitted from the private school. It has been the best thing for one of mine. My children are absolutely fine with just one going. We try to give the others opportunities / support where we can and this has worked well for them.
My son is now thriving and is a very different, much happier and confident child.

I can’t be reading this right. You have 3 children and grandma is asking to pay for private school for only one, because he seems a bit bored and isn’t really trying?! If he was being mercilessly bullied and was miserable and there were no alternative local schools other than this one.. maybe. But surely he’ll be moving to a senior school soon anyway?!

I’d be telling DS to get his act together, not rewarding him for poor effort. It sounds like everyone is assuming a level of intelligence he isn’t really demonstrating.

If you’re not careful you’ll have a golden child scenario where one can do no wrong and gets everything handed to him - which just makes him make less effort and feel more entitled - while the others get the dregs.

As lovely as an offer this sounds, it will create a rift in your family for decades to come - your other children will resent this preferential treatment.

Id focus efforts on why the current set up is not working and look at extra curricular or tutors for all of the children.

No.

Not really the point but if his teacher said he needed more challenge I would be wondering why that wasn't being provided. It's very tricky, mainly because you have two other children. Are there any other state schools local that may work better for him?