My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

Think of the damage it will do to his siblings!

Absolutely not, in this instance I am with your DH. What happens if your DD is similarly disengaged at the same age, is it tough for her?
I am sure there are other and probably better ways that you or DM could help DS to be more engaged with school and learning. Even an exciting hobby that maybe Grandma would pay for might make the difference. Unless there is actually something wrong with the school then it is likely that the disengaged attitude will follow where you go.
And many posters have mentioned the cost and even if you have it correct for this year, private school fees increase as children get older and there are lots of extra fees that someone familiar with the state sector just won't expect. It is normal to pay the entrance fees for all exams GCSEs and A levels, any extra support e.g small groups with a TA is often billed separately.

He wouldn’t be going to a new school otherwise, that’s the point. He’d stay where he is.

I know “fed up” probably makes it sound much less than it is. He’s not miserable or anything but he’s just really switched off. He’s started rushing work and then getting told off for not trying when I know he can do it properly. His teacher thinks he needs more challenge.

when is he due to go up to secondary or is she in middle school? how many years of private is she going to pay for?

you're setting DD up to start playing up at school in the hope she gets special treatment too.

And maybe she may lose a daughter and a son. I would go no contact if all siblings were not treated equally.

Nope. Too much control.

Are you sure it’s not 9k a term? 9k a year is 80’s prices. Plus each year gets more expensive as they progress- I think 6th form at our local indie is about 35k a year.

what will you do if granny changes her mind or god forbid dies, what then? Can you continue to pay?

personally it would be a no for me unless I knew I could cover the full school career, just in case. The only one child would be a deal breaker too- you underestimate the privilege private school gives. It’s not just education.

my in laws paid for my sil’s kids to attend private. Not ours. Yes it burns. My youngest in particular would very much thrived educationally in that environment.

Ask his teacher to provide more challenge?
Get a tutor or tutor him yourself?

Isn't he going to secondary school next year?

Tbh he sounds like a lot of pupils his age.

Who told him already? 🍈

It would be an absolute no for me, all or nothing.
This could cause long term issues for all 3 of your children.
Your eldest may feel under extra pressure as he is the “chosen one” the other 2 will obviously feel short changed.
I would also stop talking about it in front of your DC’s, a 7 year old shouldn’t be party to these conversations

I honestly don’t know. I don’t think there’s some big thing going on that we’re missing. We’ve spoken to his teacher and there’s no bullying or anything like that.

He just seems to find school very easy and then gets bored. At home he’s constantly building things and reading and asking questions and he’s not like that at school anymore. His teacher said he needs more challenge but obviously that doesn’t necessarily mean private school.

What happens if your youngest gets older and “switches off”. Maybe thinks what’s the point in trying if I’m stuck in a crap school while my brother gets a posh school with better teaching?

if your youngest two start struggling then what? They have to put up with if while watching their brother in small classes and great facilities?

Are you sure it’s £9k a year and not per term? What kind of private school charges £9k a year?
you should ask your mum to invest the money in extra tuition or educational trips for all three DC.

I would absolutely say no and I am surprised this was discussed with the children, now DS is going to be disappointed if you say no & DD already knows DS was getting preferential treatment.

You need to research that the private school has a academic focus. It isn't necessary a better fit than the current school just because it's private.

From my perspective this offer looks like rewarding a child for poor behaviour. What happens if something doesn't suit him at the new school and he plays up there?
To me it would make more sense to get him involved in activities outside school and remind him that he'll be moving schools in a couple of years anyway. Although I appreciate that can seem like a lifetime for a 10 year old!

are you in the UK? It's very rare to have state schools that run from 5-16/18 with no change. Even if it is, it sounds unlikely that you live somewhere with a big enough population to support a private school, but no other state schools he could move to if he wasn't happy in this one?

I really don't think you can accept, and I was pretty much exactly in your DS's position albeit when I was a bit older - hated secondary, wasn't stretched at all, would have been absolutely delighted to have the opportunity to go to a better school and probably could have changed the directory of my life. Whereas my two siblings got on really well in the school we all went to. Even with that perspective as an adult it's just not fair to give one child such a huge benefit and not the other two.

There would have to be a really good reason for me to even consider this - being very heavily bullied or having a particular very very strong talent that DC was very committed to and was likely to be their potential career, or had additional needs that a state school couldn't support, and even then it would be an absolute last resort.

Just being a bit disengaged isn't enough. Lots of kids don't like school. What if one of his siblings also disengages from school when they are older? Or actually NEEDS more support for whatever reason. What if he is the same in a new school?

The impact on the kids relationship with each other, you, their grandmother could be huge and lifelong.

@ThisTropical does your DS do any after school clubs currently? Do you pay for anything like swimming outside of school?

What is your plan after primary school?

Most 10 year olds get fed up with school, they're usually the ones who are ready for secondary. What happens if he gets fed up with the private school also?

I agree with your DH that it's not fair to send one child to private school - what happens if your younger children get fed up when they're 10?

You are being so unreasonable. I cannot believe that you've been openly discussing this with your children as something that is happening, when your DH isn't on board. If I was your DH I'd be really pissed off with you about the whole thing.

It is not your mother's place to decide about any of the children's schooling.

I also can't believe how naive you are being about this - you're saying that DS would benefit whereas his siblings wouldn't, but how on earth do you know that?! You don't know that both younger siblings wouldn't benefit from moving to a private school when they're the age that DS is now.

If your mother can't afford to pay for all of them to go, none of them should go.

It doesn't even sound as if you've made any effort to improve DS's engagement with the school he's in. Why would moving him - with all the disruption that causes - be the obvious solution?!

You should not have mentioned it to any of the children without talking it through properly with DH and making a decision together. You have allowed your mother to create marital discord and to turn your DH into the "bad guy" because the children know that you say yes and he says no.

Please learn from this and approach things differently in future.

Where are you based OP? Im trying to make sense of why he wouldn't be changing schools otherwise.

Also, why have you discussed this in front of the kids before DH agreed? Why is it assumed this new school will help? What happens if the other children disengage in the same way?

9k is cheap, but beyond that who is paying for uniform, equipment, trips etc?

Is he at a school where year 6 is a glorified SATS revision year?

Do you have grammar schools in your area?

Have you checked that the private school is an academic one? If so, are you sure that you wouldn’t be putting your son in a school where the learning is focused on exams too? (11+, 13+ etc)

I think that boys in year 6 can be switched off from school because they are a big fish in a small pond. Could his behaviour be a normal adolescence thing?

It needn't be a problem. My older sister went to private schools right through because they seemed right for her abilities and interests. I got a place in a good state school and it worked for me. I never had any issue with the money being spent on my sister and not me, because I also had a good school.
It seems a shame if DS can't get on with his state school and is refused the chance to shine because his sisters might be envious in later life. I don't suppose they care now.

My ten year old is fed up. He wants to be doing secondary science and maths. I would hold off personally wont be long till he's in senior!