My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

Why would he stay where he is? Won’t he be going to secondary next year?

It was pretty poor of you not to keep this from your children until you and dh had made a decision.

Small private schools often go under btw. Esp when their fees are low. And would small suit your kid anyway?

Regardless, if you were thinking about a new school for him surely you’d be wanting to do some research, look round various schools, work out best fit. Not delegate that decision, and the inevitable long term consequences of your kids’ relationships with each other, to your dm.

Personally although I massively value education, I also value sibling relationships and wouldn’t do anything that would potentially harm that in the future.

Ok, so your question to the teacher who thinks he needs more challenge is 'What extension activities are you providing for him?' 'What are your strategies for dealing with him switching off and failing to produce the work required?' 'What can we do as parents to make sure he re-engages with school?'

Also - what is the plan for the rest of the year? He can't just 'switch off' three weeks into the academic year and be left to be bored and disengaged for the rest of it.

Deciding 'Oh, I'll move him to a different school and he'll miraculously improve' is silly.

I say this as a teacher.

Something like 7% of children attend private schools .That means 93% dont ! I would say No really .Its taking them out of their class and everything will be different .Does your Mum expect "value for money" do you think .Will she be expecting top marks .That puts pressure on your DS to achieve ,If he struggles then thats not good for his self esteem either .Its massively unfair on your DD too

Having seen the change in my bright, quirky 9 year old son following a change from state to private it's worth every penny!
If there isn't a state alternative for him to go to then I would seriously consider her offer. I know it's tricky when there is money only offered for one but he is the one in need. If he stays in a school where he is bored and not being properly supported things will only get worse.
What are the secondary schools like around you? Because if they are decent, it maybe that he's just got to get through the year and then head to a school that's more suitable. That said, my daughter had a horrendous year 5/6 and the local state secondaries are dire. Private school again is making a huge difference to her!

@ThisTropical So his teacher thinks he needs more challenges? Surely this can be provided in school? I have known several boys like this (no, not my children). Some have skipped a grade because that's what suited them best and others were given extra material and also helped other students with difficulties. If your son is ahead and bored and mature enough there is no reason why he shouldn't skip a grade.

He will find private school just as "boring" if he's ahead so it won't solve anything but will def create problems.

@ThisTropical I have some questions here (which others have also asked)

• What year is he in? If year 6 (most likely) then why wouldn't he be going to a new school (ie secondary) in a year’s time?
• Yes is it definitely £9k a year? That's amazingly cheap and I would also have concerns about the viability of the school.
• Is it an all-through private school – so he would be there until GCSEs or A levels? Do the fees go up for KS3 and KS4? Has grandma promised to pay the whole whack for six years?

Tbh I would not be keen on this, for the reasons others say. Yes, fairness can mean different amounts of money spent on different DC, but this feels like the kind of favouritism that might really drive a wedge between DC.

ETA meant to say yes, could you not ask your mum to use the money to support DS maybe with tutoring or extra curricular, and then use the ££ to help the others if needed?

This.Why would you even tell a 7 year old something like this or your son for that matter.Let them be children and not worrying over adults problems.Can you split the £9k and use £3k each or is that still something you couldn’t afford? Otherwise I wouldn’t bother,there’s no guarantee your son will be happier at new school

£3000 a term? The nursery places are that. It’s very cheap. In answer to your question, no. If this is all she can afford it’s not much good. Plus not offering to both dc is appalling. Say no thanks.

Absolute no.

DS2 is in private secondary. My DS1 went to state. I can honestly see no difference when it comes to the core subjects. State teachers were mostly better (more qualified). The only reason we changed to private for secondary was bullying and behavioural problems in state. My DS1 was never bullied but he has never cared for school or learning like DS2 so he thought the disruptive students were funny.

£9k for a year? Are you sure on this, have you checked? I don’t think any of the very good indies charge this. More in line with £9k per term, so close to £30k per year once you’ve added in all the extras.
Unless this is not in England.

Anyway I would not send my child to a £9k per year private school above a state school in the UK as I can’t imagine it’s better and would possibly be a worse setting. With all the family drama thrown in - not worth it!! I’d look to change (state) schools for secondary.

No way from me.
I'm the sister in this scenario, it wasn't fair for me and my sister that our older brother went private when we didn't.

If there is no other choice for your son then sadly I would accept the offer from your mum.
unfortunately I have been in this situation. I’ve said it is just until DS completed his GCSEs and if we can we will revisit the position for younger DC when the exams are over.

otherwise he is going to fail school
completely and get in trouble.

you need to choose for your son. The best for him in the circumstances. And yes granny needs to explain her reasoning to your daughter and if possible make it up to her later or in a different way.

unless there is an alternative for DS of course?

and. You could apply for a bursary for your daughter. Think about it and weigh it up.

If your DS is 10 is he not moving on anyway at 11? What are the local state schools like? What was the plan for senior school before the private school offer?

I would have to say thanks but no thanks. I know people who experienced this as kids and in all cases their relationships with siblings were badly damaged into adulthood as a result. Is it worth that risk?

My mum has never forgotten that her parents paid for private school for her brother but not for her. It harmed her relationship with her parents.

maybe DS1 would have enjoyed learning & school if he went private?

The thing is I don't see why the private school will fix whatever is stopping your son succeeding.

If you went to the school, were blown away by its approach to xyz which is exactly the problem your son struggles with then maybe yeah - explain to your dd that it isn't about posh it is about finding the right place. But I don't read that in your posts. you risk moving your son, having your mother way too involved in your personal decision, your dd feeling a bit off and your son STILL being bored or under achieving - except now he will have a grandmother who is cross that he isn't taking advantage of her generosity.

That your dh doesn't want to do it would be enough for me but I also don't see how this will solve anything and it could potentially add more problems to your life.

I feel for you OP. My eldest child got a scholarship and then a bursary to an excellent private school from year 7 so we decided to send them, even though we didn’t know if we’d be able to send their siblings. As it turns out we have been able to send the middle child but no idea what will happen to the youngest, who is only in y3 anyway. Sometimes you have to do what is right for your child at that moment in time.

What happens if both your other children end up being bored and losing motivation at the same age?

I'd have to refuse. It's so unfair on the others.

Couldn't they share that money and it be spent on tutoring /extra curriculars for all 3?

Tutoring did the trick both for our children who were struggling academically and for the child who needed extra stretch.

What kind of private school is only charging 9K a year in this day and age? Either the offering between his current school and the new one is not going to be that great or that new school is in danger of becoming financially unsustainable and closing. I would do a lot of investigation on the new school before even considering moving. You particularly need to be looking at how they are going to stretch your son if he is bored in his current setting, otherwise he’s just going to be bored in a new expensive setting!

Also, stop talking about schools and fees in front of your children. You are the one who said your DD referred to the school as posh, then contradicted yourself in a later post. Either way, these discussions need to be kept well away from your children.

Finally, how long is grandma going to pay school fees? If all the way through that’s potentially another eight or nine years? And what happens when your child moves from primary to senior school – are the 9K a year fees going to continue then? What happens if grandma runs out of money or becomes ill and needs care? You are leaving yourselves very vulnerable with regards to your son’s education.

I don't think it should have been discussed with the younger children at all, other than in the most basic form.

The answer as to why GM is paying for DS and not them is that DS needs a change and they are getting on fine.

I can see it's a difficult situation and instinct is to keep things equal, but equal isn't fair in this scenario where one child is struggling. It wouldn't be fair to turn it down and leave him in a worse position.

That's my thinking anyway!

Won't your other children get bored at school at the same age? It's pretty common to find year 5 and 6 boring, partly because you outgrow the primary model and partly because the focus is on getting other children up to the expected level for sats.

What country are you in, OP?

And what possessed you to tell your son he was going before the decision was actually made? Particularly when your husband is against it?

Some really odd information from OP, it makes me wonder if this is actually real.

What's going to happen when your son turns 11 - will he go back into the state sector?

Also, my son was fairly 'fed up' at school age 10 - he had basically outgrown primary and was ready for fresh challenges and excitement. Now flourishing at secondary!