My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

I can only echo what others have said so far. £9k per year is unbelievably cheap - only £7.5k before VAT which is barely more than what state schools get per child. I’d be concerned it wouldn’t be viable and would close down.

I wouldn’t do it for one if I couldn’t for the others - or at least have the option to. What if your 7 year old also starts struggling at 10 - tough luck? Or will funds be found for her too?

Not sure why you mentioned it to any kids before a decision had been made. I think you come out of this looking like the bad guys to one of your kids whatever you do now!

What DS fed up with in the state school?
How fed up is he?
How it is affecting him?
Would it affect the others in the same way?

If we're talking a child who is really unhappy is his school, maybe being bullied, not fitting in, finding the work too difficult or struggling with some big, unmet needs, then yes it's fine to send just him to private school, the same as you'd send just him to a special school if he had needs that meant one was possible, but the others were good in mainstream.

If he just doesn't much like school and private school would be more interesting and fun, then he doesn't need interesting and fun more than his siblings, so they either all get it or none of them do.

I have three kids, one in private school. There is good reason for this, it's because he has mild SEN and we thought he wouldn't cope in a class of 30 kids. My other kids are older and they are mature enough to understand and they don't hold it against us or their brother, but eldest has now started saying that he wants to move to a private school for sixth form and actually we don't have a leg to stand on if he's serious about this and gets in. We feel we have to scrimp to make it happen. And when it comes to child 2, likewise. You already feel guilty and your son hasn't even gone yet. Your kids are too young to understand the nuance and it feels like blatant favouritism from the grandma and there's no way it won't affect their relationship. I'm sorry to say it, but you should probably turn it down.

ps £9k a year private school sounds like it's very cheap, are you sure you don't mean per term?

Absolutely not. No way.

Children go through stages. OP has tried zero other alternatives here. What will happen when OPs other kids go through phases of being fed up? Or have anxiety? Get bullied? Can't you see the potential issues. It would of been a hard no from me!

I think it's awful you're even considering this to be honest.

I don’t think you can send one child to private and not the others. Is there no way your mum can pay for the other two, from age 11 onwards? By the time DC4 starts, DC10 will only have a year or two left so there wouldn’t be much crossover in terms of cashflow/ fees for 3 children at the same time

I would say no. He’s 10 so will be changing schools quite soon anyway? I think this would be really unfair for your other kids.

Hmmm I think I would go for it- things aren’t always equal at the time but tend to even out over the years imo. Perhaps a hobby or uni fees will be achievable for younger dc for example: My ds goes to a much better school than dd - she can’t go to it as it’s a boys school, eldest ds didn’t go there either as we weren’t able to get him there at the time. (All state)

How does DD know that it’s a fee paying school, “posh” and that your mum is paying? I wouldn’t expect children to be party to any of this.

It’s a difficult situation- is there any possibility that you could afford private school for your other children at a later stage? I’m in favour of the right school for the right child so this might mean state or private, but they at least all need to have the same options.

Agree that £9k is worryingly cheap.

She doesn’t know the amount or anything like that, I probably worded that badly. She knows grandma is paying because she heard us talking about the fees and then asked why grandma was paying for DS and not her. I did say it was a different school, I didn’t tell her it was posh or anything.

DD loves her school and has loads of friends there, DS2 is only 4 and is happy at nursery. So there isn’t really an argument for moving either of them anyway.

It’s not a good idea. I’ve known several women whose brothers were sent to private school when they weren’t and there’s one thing they all have in common: they’re bitter about it.

Team DH here.

I personally know a family where something very similar happened, except it was two boys and one girl.

The boys were both sent to private school, while the girl went to a state school, purely because she was a girl - seriously.

Fast forward a few years and the boys are now an accountant and a dentist, while their sister works in a supermarket on minimum wage. They look down their nose on her all the time. And hardly have a relationship with her.

The sad part is that the family looks at the outcome and assumes it's down to effort. The boys think she should just sort her life out and try harder to progress, and the parents believe she simply didn't try hard enough.

What nobody seems willing to acknowledge is how much their original decision may have shaped those outcomes. They gave the boys opportunities they didn't give their daughter, then judged her for ending up in a different place.

It feels incredibly unfair, and the saddest part is that they still don't recognise the damage that decision caused in the first place.

I came here to say the same thing.

Fairness means giving people what they need to succeed rather than treating everyone in the exact same way.

Just be prepared to treat the two other children to the private schools in a few years. And be able to afford it.

Surely he is about to start secondary school, so just needs to see the year out?!

Also, 9k a year sounds far too low to me.

Absolutely no way. Far too divisive.

I understand you want the best for your son, but there are several things to consider here over and above the private school opportunity not being available for all 3 children.

He is 10 so year 5 ? so starting to think about about secondary schools. What's the plan for secondary if he goes to a private primary ? Hope that 2 years in smaller classes will straighten him out and he'll flip back into state secondary ? What if he doesn't straighten out ? Private secondary is probably nearer £9k per term - I'm not joking, just checked DD's former school fees.

Say he goes - have you thought about how will you pay for the additional extras ? There's music, sports match fees, outings, uniform.

From the sound of it, he may be bored at school - could Granny pay for things like music lessons, tutor to stretch him ? Cheaper for her and therefore maybe she's agree to pay for similar for your other 2 children.

As others have said £9k for the year does sound low- what would you be buying ? smaller classes, more academic focus ?

Think I'm with your DH on this - massively unfair on your other 2.

Agree. If she is this flaky what is to say she won’t decide ds1 is not fulfilling her expectations later on and interfere or worse still decide another child is better deserving of her “help” and withdraw from paying his fees so he has to move again. If you cannot afford it for one let alone three an alternative state school is a better option. What is it he struggles with, is any tuition or other activity a better use of her offer?

She isn’t particularly pushy normally no. She can be quite blunt though and if she thinks something is a good idea she doesn’t really see why you wouldn’t do it. DS doesn’t have learning difficulties, he’s actually very good academically, it’s more that he seems completely bored and has started putting very little effort in. His teacher has said he’s capable of more as well.

I do think a different setting might suit him but yes obviously the decision should be ours. That’s why I’m asking really, because DH is firmly no and I’m the one thinking maybe we’d be mad to turn this down.

But where is the evidence that he “needs” this? Being bored at school at his age is quite normal, he will be at secondary school soon.

There are plenty of things you can do to keep him interested and engaged without creating a dynamic of division. It’s all very well saying it should be about equity not equality, but his siblings would be unlikely to appreciate the distinction.

If he's 10 then presumably he's in Y6 and is going to secondary next year anyway? Would make more sense to see how he gets on there surely?

Me too.

Totally agree, not everything needs to be equal, but things need to be fair. Having all children in a school that suits them and if that means different schools then that’s that. All children need to be able to flourish.

What’s the plan for secondary? Can she afford private fees first that?

if not it’s hardly worth it for one more year of primary.

He is going to secondary school next year?

State? Or will grandma cover private?