My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

@TheBlueKoala there are private schools that specifically cater for SEN

I'm of the view that children should receive an education to meet their own individual needs. Sometimes that means children from the same family attending different schools. I have 2 siblings and 1 of them attended both a different primary & a different Grammar to me and my other sibling. It created no ill-feeling whatsoever.

My friend had two children, one at the local state Grammar, the other at a fee paying private school. This was due to her choosing the right settings for each child. No ill feeling between any of them.

It was incredibly irresponsible to be discussing this within earshot of your DD. But I would be sitting her down and explaining that her brother has educational needs that his current school are not fulfilling and therefore you've decided as parents to try a different school, that this is nothing to do with money or fairness, it's to do with educational needs.

Your DM has your son's best interests at heart here, so do the right thing by him when making your decision, and don't just decline it due to "fairness" regarding the cost. It's certainly not fair to let your 7yr old daughter put a stop to her brother getting the education he needs.

She just needs things explaining to her over it, and that may take the course over a number of years, when she's old enough to understand better.

The other option is to wait to see what secondary school he gets into to see if things improve there, however, if he doesn't attend a really good one, things may end up worse for him.

If you do decline the offer, then I'd be making sure he starts attending additional classes in the evening in STEM subjects. He needs to be challenged.

But your DH needs to wise up, your DM hasn't chosen your DS because "he's the special one" 🙄 She's seen a struggling boy and is doing something that will genuinely help him, which is a hell of a lot more than his own father is doing. If anything it's your DH who is likely creating the feeling of resentment in your own household.

I just had a thought, my niece was at a state primary and wasn't being challenged, she was moved into private and excelled. Although she was an only child and money was no issue for them, but my point is that some children are not challenged in state schools, and do better elsewhere.

Unless you want to drive a wedge between your children, say thank you but no thank you.

If his school think he needs something more challenging then they need to challenge him 🤔

I'd say no. I also wouldn't have discussed it with anyone but DH.
Also, if DH is so firmly against, what are you going to do? There is no compromise here

I honestly don't see this as favouritism. If she said the boys can have private but not the girl, that would be a problem obviously, but it's due to his situation. If one of your kids had an illness, and she paid for private care, again, not favouritism, because it's based on need.
Please talk to your daughter about that so she doesn't feel bad about her gran. She sounds like a caring woman. The only issue would be what if the other kids developed issues at school, and then wanted to move? Maybe say if she couldn't afford that, it would then be an unfair situation, so you can't accept.
Could she pay for online schooling for him, if either she, or one of you, is able to facililitate that, if it's even something you'd want to solve teh situation?

This

@Namemechangeybullied?

why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her

Aww, did she? Your 7 year old said that, did she? How did she know about it in the first place? How does she know/why does she think private equals 'posh'?
Fucks sake. Try harder.

BTW Don't come at me with the 'just report'... I already have. Some of us remember when threads were genuine, and maybe even helpful......

What would your younger children, particularly DD, learn from this? Whinge and disengage enough and Grandma spends lots of money on you. What if the same thing happens with DD in a couple of years' time?

How long has DS had the problems at school? Have you spoken to the school about it? Where does the problem lie? What if the same happens again at the new school?

But you shouldn’t have told any of the children about the offer until you and DH had decided for sure whether or not to accept it.

Op specifically says he is not being bullied.

To those who say “he needs it, say yes” - from what the op has posted, she’s not looked at it, there’s no suggestion of how it is better for her ds than where he is or where he will go next year.

Just bc it isa small private school doesn’t necessarily mean it answers the DS’s needs. So I don’t even think it’s as simple as he needs it. Even if he did I don’t think I’d be keen tbh. But have you viewed the school @ThisTropical? how is it better?

Could you look into bursaries at other independent schools in your area? I work in an independent school and almost 1/4 of our students are on a significant (ie up to 100%) bursary.

I would say no, imagine if she decides to stop paying, and you have to move him again. I wouldn’t choose private school unless I could very comfortably afford it without having to rely on anyone else.

He'll be leaving that school soon won't he, for secondary school?

One kid out of three, at PS paid for by your mum, sounds like a terrible idea. Your DH is correct.

If he needs further challenges your mum could pay for him to have private tutoring.

I would say yes because your 10-year-old needs it.

Things can't always be equal where money is involved.
If your daughter was having problems I'm sure your mother would have paid for her to go to a private school if she could afford to.

But I'm sure your mother does not have an limitless amount of money, so sometimes it's just first come first served and your son happens to be the first come.

could you ask instead of extra curiculum lessons for ds and then fund the other two with the extra curriculum yourselves?

Sports and extra tuition and sit the exam for grammar school or a public school with fees paid, so he goes on his own merit

Where had your 7 year old picked up the term "posh school"? Is that the expression you're using?
All the children or none. That's going to store up a whole heap of problems.

£9000 a year is pretty cheap for private education. Every school around us charges 3x that.
Small and independent and with low fees…. I wouldn’t let him become too comfortable as it’s quite likely to not survive the next few years.
And no, I wouldn’t agree to the private education of only one of my children except in very specific circumstances such as Sen needs.

To put some perspective on costs. When ours first started school it was 6k a term. Now it is 12k a term. Is your mum prepared for cost increases (yes there's VAT but prices go up every year anyway).

How do the kids even know about it?

Personally I'd look at extra education stuff outside of school.

Absolutely ridiculous that this has been discussed in front of the children.

You say your mum has found a school. Have you researched it? Been to look at it? Checked that really is the price as thats incredibly cheap? Primary private school is much cheaper than secondary so is she looking at the correct price?

Who will pay for the expensive uniform and trips?

What happens if your mum can no longer fund it?

Is there not a grammar school he can go to? Is he studying for the 11+ exam?

As others have said 9k a year sounds cheap. I’m not in the South-East and yet my nearest 3 private schools charge £7,500 a term.

Obviously you say he’ll have to just stay where he is if you turn it down but he’ll surely be moving up to senior school anyway, either next year or year after.

If it were me, I would turn it down. He’s changing schools anyway.

Of course it would be unreasonable to send one to private and not the others. They will see favouritism, and they will know that one had advantages that they didn’t have - it might not be apparent to a 7 year old, but when they are adults they will look back and see it. It is disappointing that the children are aware of it already.

It isn’t unusual for 10 year olds to be bored at school as some of them have outgrown their primary schools and are ready for secondary. And I can’t understand what your son’s situation is - you say he wouldn’t be changing schools, but you haven’t explained what year he is actually in and when he would start secondary.

If it was me, the options I would be considering are:

He stays where he is, with enrichment provided through extension work and extracurricular activities, whilst he finishes his primary years. Then hopefully he will be more engaged at secondary which must be coming up soon.

Or, I’d commit to sending all three children private from year 7 onwards. The younger ones can stay in their state primary for now, if they will be getting the same educational opportunities eventually. Is that something that their grandmother could support, and if not find a way to pay for it yourself. At only £9k per year it is not overly expensive, and the age range means that the oldest one will more or less be done by the time the youngest starts. And I believe many private schools have discounts for second and subsequent siblings.

I'm sorry because it may suit your son really well but you have to think long term - it's all three or none. It just sets things up for when they are older - Ive seen it happen and it's not good. I know it is gutting because you suspect it might be of real benefit for your son but the equilibrium between the three of them will long outlast your mother.

£9k a year can't be right, surely?!
In any case, you can't accept. It would severely damage your children's relationships.
Also, what's the contingency if gran runs out of money, needs to use it for medical care etc?

I absolutely wouldn’t do this. Are you anywhere near a grammar area, could you do some tutoring for that instead?