My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

Why should ds get his school paid for but the other two have to get scholarships if they want to go?

why not insist ds apply for the scholarships too? If he’s disengaged because school is not challenging as o/p states then he’s bright enough to have a decent chance at a scholarship. Or a grammar for that matter.

o/p have said they can’t afford the 9k a year for private school for one child. It’s unlikely they will be able to afford activities like sport or music for two children.

what if one of the others finds themselves in a similar situation in a few years? Do they not then get the opportunity to do something with their education and wellbeing? Sorry no we have that chance to ds, if you want the same you have to sort your own financing with scholarships or put up with where you are.

Quite. There is no rationale as to why the younger kids would have to apply for scholarships when the eldest didn’t. I’m intrigued as to how you’d explain it, @abowl ?

Really? Find a way to get him switched back on. He’ll be going to secondary soon, and there’s nothing okay about singling out one child for private education because he’s “switched off”. The impact this would have on him and his relationships with his siblings -I can’t even believe you’re considering it. Have you considered that he might be switched off in the private school too?

I understand the bind you're in. But...I also think different kids need different things. I'm not sure what the right answer is, but it could be a good experience for your son. All questions about fairness can be directed to gma.

100% take it. If she’s offering then stop the guilt and be thankful one of your children will get a
very good education. Why wouldn’t you want that for him?! Lucky boy! Be warned though there are a lot of extra costs and you’ll need to check with her if she’s prepared to cover those - the uniform will be £££ (the school should have a secondhand shop though). Don’t feel guilty or even question why you wouldn’t. It’s an amazing opportunity (and ignore anyone who says state is just as good as private because it really is not).

Wow, pretty obvious nobody paid for you to go to charm school!

Slight problem with your suggestion, firstly because he doesn't have 'problems'
and his sister is going to be fully aware of that. He doesn't have any additional needs, he's not being bullied, he isn't misbehaving. He's just a ten year old boy who finds school boring.

Secondly because she's already heard exactly what's going on and OP backtracking and pretending her sibling has vague undisclosed and undiagnosed 'problems' nobody has ever mentioned before is only going to ruin their relationship with her parents as well as her brother and grandmother.

Thirdly 'can't afford all of them' (which as we're apparently being dicks to strangers makes no grammatical sense, I assume you meant 'can't afford to send all of them') still doesn't answer the question 'Well why choose him?'

Fourthly because what if either of the younger two siblings develops actual problems as they get older?

Fifth because the child's other parent doesn't agree with it, so OP doesn't get automatic veto.

Kids need all the opportunities they can get so they succeed in adult life. I think you would be mad to turn down the opportunity.

I’m likely in the minority here but I have two children, one in an independent school and one in state school. However there is nuance to it.

My youngest is still in mainstream state, he has SEN but his current school is managing it and he’s managing to attend currently. My eldest is in a mainstream independent school, she also has SEN but her state school placement broke down over the last 12 months due to her needs and we ended up in a mental health crisis and an attendance of 10.31% 🙃

She couldn’t cope with the size of the state school and classes, the behaviour policies were very anti-SEN and gave her loads of anxiety despite having near perfect behaviour except the odd forgotten homework.

The independent school have given her a substantial bursary and her dad and I are separated so split the remainder of the fees. She’s gone from not being able to attend, to doing her homework, asking for extra homework and never stops talking about being excited for school tomorrow. In her state school she was lucky to get 20% in a maths quiz, after a week in her new school she was getting over 90%. Not just because of the teaching, but because the environment is what she needed to be able to process and apply herself.

I think my son will likely need a more specialist setting as he ages and the demands on him get higher, but his current school manages him wonderfully and has quite a lot of class TAs as part of their normal staffing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve sat and worried about him feeling left out, but I explained that she’s going there because the school is what she needs to learn, just like his school has additional staff to help him learn. I think a big part of it is explaining to children why things are different for their siblings rather than just expecting them to accept it.

I’d actually take more issue with it being referred to as a “posh school”, or any terms which make it sound like a reward, around the child who isn’t going. I think language like that is far more likely to make a child feel left out because it’s essentially telling them their sibling is getting something better than them, rather than just going to a different school that suits them better.

I know this is different to a relative offering to pay for one and not the other, but just a slightly different perspective on it. I think people will approach this situation from two different standpoints: all children treated equally vs treating each child as an individual with their own needs. Personally I fall into the latter but neither is wrong, mine is probably fuelled by having two SEN children with different needs.

I don't think you can accept this. Are you in an area with grammar schools? If so could he try the 11+? Then he'd be getting in to a more intensive school based on his abilities rather than his grandmother's unequal offer.

Your mum's offer would be a hard 'no' from me. It's very generous of her, but it's really not fair on your other two DC. And it will absolutely cause resentment as they get older and realise your DS1 has been given an advantage in life that they haven't.

If your DS is 10 he'll be going to secondary school soon, surely? If he needs to be more academically challenged would Grammar School be an option?

Blimey.

Did you go to private or state?

It would be a definite "No, thank you" from me. Unless you want to put a severe divide between your children? Because that's what will happen. You say he's not being bullied or anything, he's just switched off. Nothing will change that at the new school. He'll remain switched off. The only thing that will change is your other children will start to resent him, you and your mother....

Personally, I'd say no to the offer, though from what you've said it's not based on favouritism. But in years to come, its likely to feel like it and thats what is likely to count. He's about to start secondary school, if that presents the same (lack of!)challenge, then maybe it can be an option in the future- though the risk of division remains. Ultimately, its so to you as parents though.

Why should your eldest boy be held back from a good school just because YOU decided to have two more kids?

Children don't miss much you know 🙂

Why does your 7 year old know what’s going on in depth? A child who is 7 shouldn’t know the financial issues within a family. All she should know is her brother is struggling and might go to a new school to help him.

Your son needs a school change. At this point your other children do not. Fairness is each child getting what they need not each child getting the same. If you say no on principle (which makes sense on the surface) then you are basically saying you value your son's mental and physical health less than your other children's idea of fairness. If he becomes a suicide statistic how will you feel then?

Every child is different; while your younger children are thriving in public school, your son is not. Since you and your mother agree he needs a change and she is helping make it happen, focus on addressing his immediate needs. Avoid worrying about hypotheticals regarding your other children's future preferences, and stick to the clear fact that your son needs a different environment right now.

Yes. Equal is meeting the needs of each child as well as you can. A 10 year old struggling at school has needs a 7 year old who is not struggling doesn't. If one child requires extra funding for speech therapy you do it whether you could afford it for all 3 or not. If your 7 year old has an accident and you want to pay for private physio you do that without worrying about the other two. If one kid becomes an outstanding athlete you don't limit them because you couldn't do it gor the two who aren't outstanding as well. Provided the decision does not cause hardship to the others you fo it. And in this case you are not paying so it won't.

Your mother is offering to pay for something one of your children NEEDS. Needs, not just wants or would be advantaged by having. Your oldest is clearly not doing well in his current school. If he needed glasses and got them would your daughter be jealous about that too (even though her vision was fine)?
This notion that all children in a family have to be treated exactly the same is ludicrous and damaging. Some children need different things than others.

What happens when he goes to senior school? £9k a year is VERY cheap for a private schools these days, senior schools near me are that a term.

I think private school can be right for some children and not for others, so understand sending one child, but your others are too young to know. So if you’re only talking about a couple of years anyway, I’d say no, and get a tutor to challenge him if he’s not getting that in school.

(a) OP has no information about what the two younger children currently age 4 and 7 will NEED by the time they are 10. Their NEEDS could be just as severe and just as expensive.
(b) there is no proof that the private school is actually the solution that the 10yo NEEDS. There is a hope and a speculation that a change of school might make a difference.
(c) some children's educational needs are more expensive than others. Wealthy families are able to pay whatever it takes to get their children's needs met. Poorer families have to run a punishing gauntlet of tests and assessments to get their child's needs officially documented in an EHCP which certainly can then state that the child needs the smaller class sizes and quieter environment of a private school in which case the state pays the fees. When a family like OP's has some wealth but not enough to pay "whatever it takes" for all 3 children it is morally abhorrent to use 100% of the available funds to attempt to help one child when the needs of child2 and child3 aren't yet known.

I'm going to blow your mind here but 7 year olds don't STAY 7 for the rest of their life.

Your comment was already unhelpful seeing as op cant go back in a time machine and stop the dd from knowing something she clearly does, but even if she didn't understand the full repercussions of ds changing schools (as the youngest dc doesnt yet) they are absolutely going to work out the difference as they get older and at some point both are going to ask why their older brother is the only one going to private school.

According to some people on here OP would then explain he has "needs". Next obvious question would be what those needs are "well he was getting a bit bored in school." And then what happens when the other two kids say "well I find school boring too"???

My thoughts are no but there's ways around it if you really think Ds needs it, if by him going, you're able to save up more on the other two, and equitably say, OK you both will get a lump sum when you're 18/21 and eldest doesn't?

As an example, there is a way to explain to your kids but not at 7.

Personally I was not given private schooling but my Brothers were but my uni was paid for by parents (no loans) as a way forward. It was made clear to me that it was only due to circumstances, the business only started doing well enough to cover private schooling for the boys and i was already on track for grammar, with extra curriculars paid for. So its more a bout where and when the money goes on each child and when best to use it like many PPs Have mentioned