My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

Different children need different things. I would say yes. I have twins and when they were 3 I was set to keep both home when one was ill and couldn't go to the nursery party. But I realised that they'd be missing out on a lot that way, so one child went. A week later the other was ill and missed out on something and I realised that by my original assumption neither would have done anything. I love them the same and at different times one or other has had an advantage, but if, for instance, we'd not let my daughter do a school trip because my son had not had the opportunity, etc then they both miss out in the end. If your daughter is thriving in her school why mess with it, but maybe in the future there will be something that would really make a difference to her that can be provided. Equal doesn't have to mean the same thing at the same time. Mine are very close and still are very proud when the other does well at something.

Missing a party is hardly the same as private school is it?

and you say yourself, the other twin had the same opportunity later.

o/p’s younger kids won’t get the chance to take up their opportunities, because the money is spent.

And what happens if your son gets bored of the independent school?

Decline the offer as your mother is opening a can or worms. Your children will feel this.

I think I agree with your husband and I would have to decline especially if mum is offering definite secure funding schooling for 6-8 years just for one child and not even setting up a small savings account for the others . I really don't think it was wise to tell you son and daughter about grandmas offer up until you had discussed it full and had tentatively made up your minds.
There are other factors to take into account

1. 9k per annum is a low rate for school fees especially if it includes VAT.. How viable is the school. What do other parents say about it and what would your contingency plan be if the school closes after just a year or two?
2. Could you afford to pay half the fees each between you so you son and daughter can both go at 11, as your daughter is 4 years away and your youngest won't be 11 for another 9 years and you will only have one there for some of the years. This might be viable if one of more of your children qualifies for a full or part scholardship place.
3. Is there an opportunity for your son to change state school at 11, and leave the pupils he feels are bullying him behind?
4. What is his current school doing to support him? Could they do more realistically to reduce the incidents and make your son happier where he is?
5. Is lifelong siblings disappointment likely about the lack of equal opportunity. They may not wish to go to dame school but if they did how do you feel about saying no? I would think given your daughter already suspects favoritism, there might be quite a high risk of this,
6. Are you realistically likely to get a windfall inheritance from any other relative in next few years whereby you could then afford to at least offer the same opportunity to them all?

This is the most ridiculous, illogical argument! Firstly because a 3 year oldest birthday party is in no way comparable to spending at a bare minimum (its likely to be a lot more) £72000 on one child's schooling, secondly because the whole "point" of your story was that actually both of your children ended up having the same experience, just at slightly different times, which is the complete opposite to OP's scenario.

No from me too!

But it will be seen by the other siblings as favoritism if he gets an significant opportunity and they don't, especially as they get older and might have a preference as to what type of school they would like to attend .

What I don't understand is why more isn't being done to motivate him ready for state high school id he's bright but a bit lazy/under challenged by the work rather than simply paying money to sort him.out, yet denying the siblings on the basis of not being able to afford the cost for them..

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I have been reading for years and refused to post as it rarely leads anywhere…
But this right here the overwhelming opinion to say NO … equality at all cost. Is why we are where we are as a country.
Let me just make sure I understand instead of raising one child and giving one child extra opportunity , keep them all down. Because equality at all costs is pivotal. Forget about parenting and teaching your kids that in a family, if someone has an opportunity you take it and your celebrate their achievements.

No everybody here wants you to teach your kids that being happy for your sibling and working with them to teach them to be happy for those they love and celebrate their opportunities and success is bad bad parenting.
No equality at all cost. At absolutely all cost.

I would absolutely go for it. It’s an incredible opportunity for your child. And it’s not that difficult to teach kids the mindset of celebrating their family’s success rather than only looking at themselves and what they are given, I mean obviously unless you are aiming to raise them to look over at others cup and be jealous if they ever have more.

So if your parents left everything to your brother and nothing to you, you should celebrate his good fortune?

the grandma is doing that. She’s offering 63k minimum to the older brother, not one penny to the younger two. And that’s if the fees stay at 9k, it will likely be more.

why can’t that money be used to give them all opportunities? Tutors, extra curriculars, university fees.

why does all that money have to be spent on one child at the expense of the others. Just because the kid can’t be arsed with school.

if the kid wants to go private so badly he can take 1/3 of that amount and earn scholarships for the rest.

then they all get a great opportunity.

Absolutely agree, at the moment a solution has been suggested (private school) and you are not yet clear about what the cause of the problem is. You mentioned you think something ‘big’ must have happened. I think the fact that your DS is still motivated at home and is only displaying to these new behaviours and attitude at school suggests there is more going on than he is simply bored. Also him being so keen to leave his current school despite leaving friends behind is a bit of a red flag. My advice would be to look into what’s going on more. Try engaging him in a conversation first. If necessary, you could get an outside professional like an educational psychologist involved (perhaps your mother would help pay for this as she is concerned for DS). Just make sure the educational psychologist would look into the school side of things and not just test aptitude and achievement - though the latter would give an indication of whether or not there are good reasons for him being bored e.g. if his scores were off the scale. It’s very generous of your mother to offer to pay for private school but until you know what the underlying issue is, you won’t know if this is actually the best way forward for him. I hope you find a good resolution.

Your son is unhappy where he is and not thriving. Your Mum is offering to solve this matter and it would seem unfair to your son not take up this opportunity.
Your daughter doesn’t have this problem and she would probably prefer to stay with her friends. I would explain that to her. Things change and down the road you may be in a different financial position to make other decisions. You cannot make future decisions at this stage. But grab this opportunity whilst you can for him. I know my grandson has just switched to a private sporty school and is really happy now. His last school he was getting bullied and needed to start afresh. Your daughter’s situation is different and as I said in two or three years time things might be different. One bridge at a time.

What about her paying for extra tuition for your son instead? I think your DH is right on this. The resentment it will cause will stretch out into the years ahead, into the children's adult sibling relationships. Saw it a lot in army families wherethe son was sent to boarding school but the girls had to stay local and move every two years with justifications about marriage and motherhood bandied around. The sad part is that the girls were often brighter and would have benefited far more but regardless, it poisoned many sibling relationships.

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Yes, yes I will be happy. Jesus how amazingly selfish you all are.

Why wouldn’t I ever be unhappy at my own brothers good fortune ?!?!? Do you all even read what you write ?

This was my parents money … they raised me, fed me , clothed me and made sure I was safe and looked after. The last thing I am going to do is behave like a ghoul and count their pennies at their funeral cause my brother inherited them … it’s their money and they owe me nothing more than raising me. How their money goes after their DEATH really isn’t my place to question.

I find adults squabbling over their parents inheritance because one felt they didn’t get their “ fair share “ utterly distasteful.

But then again I was raised to celebrate other people’s success and good fortune. And not look over their plate and then at mine and say “ not fair they have more “. I was brought up to look up and strive for that and not to drag others down “ because it’s not fair “.

It’s not about the money is it though? It’s about you parents valuing their children.

leaving one child money, putting only one through private school, it’s saying they value that child more, or think that child is worth investing in.

it send a terrible message to the two children that get treated as “less”. They aren’t worth spending the money on, their education isn’t valued….

it’s not so much about not being happy for the brother, it’s about the relationship with the parents.

if my sibling was put through private school and I wasn’t, I’d be happy for my sibling but my relationship with my parents would be affected badly.

I mean what sort of a parent plays favourites with their children like that? I would never do it to mine. They are equal in my eyes and each will get what they need- which may not be the same, but I wouldn’t deny one child what they need and deserve in order to favour the other…

I can’t. I just can’t. Maybe I was brought different.

I would never hold against my parents them giving something more to my siblings. And trust me plenty of that has happened at one time or another.

But like my sister getting the opportunity to attend private school I would be absolutely nothing except monumentally happy and excited for her. I wouldn’t even try and think “ oh but now I also must go to private school or mom and dad hate me “. Like it wouldn’t even enter my head to look at that and go “ but what about ME !!!!! “. No mom and dad screw sis ! If I am not getting it she isn’t getting it or you hate me !

I can’t imagine either of my kids looking at her sister and going “ she got XYZ now buy me or you don’t love me “.

It sounds like you really should develop a bit more of a ‘what about me’ attitude, tbh. It’s not the virtue you think it is to be so self effacing.

I am not though … I grew up in extreme poverty some days we didn’t get food at all.
I guess it thought me to truly appreciate my family and to never look at others cup and go “ I wish they had less so I could have more “ or blame my parents who worked bonkers hours to give us what little we had … and judge them on the fairness of the distribution of “ things “.

I was clothed, loved , looked after and mostly fed. And if not for my sister who helped me lots I may not be where I am today. So looking at her and seeing my parents giving her everything … absolutely zero issue with that. Even though she would mostly likely turn around and give it to me … at which point we would both start arguing and ultimately donate it to a charity like NSPCC cause there still are kids living like we used to. And we are adults if nothing else that can provide well for our families.

anyway life is rough. If one of your kids OP has an opportunity to get a head start … don’t make the mistake of depriving them of that. This is perfect recipe to make them hate their siblings .. you think you are protecting your other kids … think again.

OP Your son got the offer for him your other kids did not loose on anything as they were never in the offer. If you take this away from him, you are depriving him of something he was offered because of his siblings. When they would gain nothing. Thing thrice how this will look to him.

well good for you.

i was raised with a sense of fairness.

if i inherited and my sibling didn’t, i would be furious on their behalf. If I got private schooling and my sibling didn’t, I would think it terribly unfair.

if someone is being paid less for the same job I do at work, I would, and have done, approach HR for equivalency.

the idea that you’d just accept blatant unfairness and favouritism with “I’m happy for them” is completely alien. If your sibling loves you, why aren’t they fighting for you to also receive the same good fortune?

if the poor remained happy with their lot and just “happy” for the rich earning their millions we’d be a shit society. I pay tax, and am happy to do so those who may have less can have more. I’m certainly not expecting people to go without so I can enjoy my good fortune, and expect them to be happy for me while they’re at it.

if my sibling achieved something independently yes of course I’d be happy for them. But for them to be handed privilege on a plate at my expense, or vice versa, no I won’t be happy about that.

Why do they all know about the offer, before you’ve decided if you accept?

I’d accept and see if the new school
helps DS. First Id check all options for DE and see if there is a cheaper or free school, or if he would earn any partial scholarships. I’d tell DD she doesn’t need to change schools, and the cost of school fees and other bills is not something she needs to worry about.

Hopefully if & when DD or DS2 need extra schooling help you will be able to afford it or grandma can help then. But Grandma is right. No need to move all kids now because one needs to move.