Changing my DDs school after 6 months in reception

[Toomanychoices123]

This is a long one so please bear with me!

My DD started reception in sept and from day for has cried at drop off. The school has tried various things, I’ve tried various things but nothing has worked and she just says she misses me. She also tells me that the other children are mean to her and she doesn’t feel she has any friends. The school have said she’s fine and plays with others, is shy, but is making progress etc. I feel like we are all going around in circles. They see one thing and I hear another.

I have found another, smaller school a bit further from where we live, around 15 min drive. It’s only 1 class per year and a village school as opposed to her school now that’s 2 form entry and in a built up area. I hope that she’ll settle but I’m terrified of changing her and still having the same issues. Anyone been in this situation or can offer some advice? I’ve lost so much sleep over this and cannot see the wood for the trees anymore.

Did your DD go to preschool or nursery before this?
how do you know the same won’t happen if you move her?
how is she at pick up and after school?

I had similar with nursery with my two year old a while back. I wish I'd moved him sooner. I say go for it.

Could you visit the other school with your dd, see what she thinks of it and test the waters around would she like to try a different school. Open a dialogue about it all and see if she would feel the same or not about every school? I know nursery is different but I explained to mine that it's nice to find a place they feel happy and have nice friends etc. If they're unhappy we can try somewhere new and see if it's better. He has been much happier in a smaller setting.

Mine used to cry - I’d walk up almost late and the TA would be there waiting for him - she take him by the hand and I’d turn and walk away.

No chance of tears.

I doubt moving schools will change this - you need to be positive about school and give them a cheary wave and walk away.

If you make a fuss it’s something they pick up in and get attention for.

She went to pre school for 3 morning as week prior to starting school and she’d been there for 2 years but she took a while to settle there. She never talked negatively about Pre school whereas now she says other children are mean to her but she is very sensitive so I don’t know how much of it is just kids being kids. Her teacher doesn’t see a problem. When I pick her up she’s happy. She says she’s happy because she’s seeing me. It’s all such a mystery and no one can get to the bottom of why she’s so unhappy at drop off and why she is negative about school all the time. For me, I feel so drained with it all the time and the change would be as much for me to have a fresh start as for her. I don’t feel that impressed with the way the school have supported her to be honest. I also feel like am I jumping out of a frying pan, into a fire as she won’t know anyone at her new school and that will be a HUGE thing for her. It will also mean I’ll have to drive her to school for her whole school life as she can’t get there by bus.

I really really wouldn’t switch to a smaller school OP. It will be much harder for your child to find a friend they like as there will be less children to choose from. Smaller is not better for friendship issues/shy children.

@GoldilockMom i have tried this for so long and it hasn’t made any difference at all. She goes in through the office too so that it’s not too overwhelming but that still hasn’t helped. Did your child ever settle in?

@TwilightSilhouette i thought a smaller school might mean less children to be mean to her but I guess it’s swings and roundabouts and that’s the issue with the decision, I don’t have a crystal ball unfortunately

I totally understand how hard those difficult drop offs are. We still have them (occasionally now) in year 2! But I don't think a new school is necessarily the solution. Have you tried having playdates with kids from her class to encourage friendships? Has her teacher said what she's like once you've gone? Eg I know my DC might cry, but is totally fine within a minute. I believe it's not necessarily that they're distressed/not, but how quickly they bounce back (or not) that's important. My DC's teacher didn't have great suggestions last year, but a quick chat with the principal made a huge difference. Have you spoken to the head/deputy? Have they any strategies that might work? For us, the principal made a deal with my DC. A week of going into the classroom nicely meant an doubly long playtime with him plus 2 friends of her choice. He then spent a half hour doing cartwheels with them. She thought it was the best thing ever... and drop off has been so much better since! Sounds silly, but it worked for us.

Really suggest helping her strengthen friendships and talking to the leadership team before pulling the pin.

We moved ours half way through reception and it was fine. There was a bit of an adjustment, and missing the old school (even though they hadn’t much enjoyed it at the time), but ultimately all good. We moved for different reasons though- largely down to teaching and mindset of the organisation , not children.

if it is general separation anxiety, I can’t see a change making a difference, and in fact might set you all back. We had this with one during nursery and it is absolutely soul destroying at drop off, but they sent pictures from an hour or so later of her happy and smiling, so I knew it wasn’t soo much the place as the act of separation that was hard for her. We stuck with it, tried to be as calm as possible at drop off, and after 6 months or so we saw a shift. Now y1 and she skips into the classroom without a backwards glance.

we are now in a much smaller school and it has been really positive. The kids all play together rather than form cliques, and there is a real culture of mutual support and respect amongst the class - they don’t like everyone equally, but will play with everyone. Other years in the same school have different dynamics - a parent in the year below us complained about cliques and friendship troubles. On some level it is just luck of getting a class set that vibe / have a positive dynamic together.

@BritInAus yes I do worry about going back to square one with her and she does settle as soon as I leave but it’s the negative attitude towards school that I don’t like. She doesn’t talk about it fondly and says she doesn’t have many friends. I have set up a play date with her new friend and I have spoken to the deputy head but they don’t seem that forthcoming with ideas so we’ve hit a bit of a wall really. I guess ultimately I feel I’ve tried all I can and I feel a clean slate might just be the answer 🤷🏻‍♀️

Any sen in the family? ASD? Anxiety?

Not that I'm suggesting your child does but my boy was soooo bad but a few yrs later down the line all the sen came into light.

No one even mentioned anything like that to me ..., just for you to keep your eye on it 👍 even the HT who had 40 years in teaching 😂 I didn't know what to do - but kept being told he's fine.

Personally I'd move her

I moved my child half way through reception. To a bigger school and she has thrived. The children and parents were a weird bunch at her first school and were shockingly mean to some children (parents and children). It was the best thing we ever did. She was miserable, being excluded on a daily basis was ignored when she said hello to a child and parent and she was a shadow of how she was at nursery.

I would be weary of a smaller school though, do you have any other options?

I agree with this. It can be very cliquey and if you don't fit in there is no one else to be friends with.

My DC were like this when they were little. What actually helped was for them to go to a childminder before school (this became necessary for my work). I could do a gentler drop off and see them into the home, they had an hour or do to play and then walked to school with a little group of others.
If I ever had to take them straight to school, it would be screaming meltdowns.

Have you looked at your reaction to what your DD is like?
I say this as I have been through this and done some CBT work on my own behaviours and I discovered that my actions were part of the issue. When my DD would come home I’d instantly question and it seems I was asking leading questions.
I did some work and have changed my actions and it’s changed my DD responses. I think our children often feed off our anxiety’s.
that’s not to say it’s the case here but it’s worth a try.
I wonder if changing so soon might make the issue work. IE- I don’t like something I’ll just change. I’ve done that and in the long run it’s probably effected my DC negatively.

There was a girl in my daughter's year. She started struggling to go in and it got built up in her mind which made it worse each morning. They home schooled her for a bit and then she stared at another school. All was good for a bit, but then the issues began again and she now goes part time. These are both small village schools. I don't think moving schools will change things, you're better off working on it and keeping as much as possible the same.

@lottie2888 thats interesting, did you change schools and it negatively impacted them?

@Ilovechoc12 i did think about those being an issue and have thought it her whole life as she has certain quirks of character that could point towards ASD and she does have high anxiety levels. The school don’t seem to think there is an issue though so I really feel like I’m banging my head against a wall with them.

@parrotonmyshoulder this might not be a bad idea! I hadn’t thought of that. Was that the initial reason for the childminder, the difficulty separating from you or was it work related and just happened to work?

You need to look at your answers
‘Of coarse you have lots of friends! Who shall we ask to the park?’
‘Mommy loved school, you get to play in the water tray and sand pit, there’s so many lovely books to read’
Match her negative with positive answers and see if you can change her mind set.

I wonder if there’s no suggests from school because they aren’t seeing it?

And yes he did settle lots of play dates and park with friend etc - positive mind set helped as well.

I do think a one form entry per year is a lot better. At this age it's still OK to move. I wouldn't expect her to settle straight away but I'm sure in time she will get used to her new surroundings. I've worked in a two form entry reception class and it can be very busy.

Op I don't think I'd swap to a small village school either. It's likely to be quite cliquely, with parents who all know one another and kids who are in other activities together.

And there is no guarantee that she will change or like it better.

I think I'd keep going and try having lots of playdates with other kids

@ByeByeMr this is what I thought. I al
aware that a smaller school could have cliques but I am more than willing to put ourselves out there and try and make a go of it. I feel as though I have been quite positive but I’m loosing the will to be now. It’s been exhausting and I feel like I’m on the edge of what I can take

I stuck it out with DD1 for 18 months before I moved her (after the first term of Y1) and I wish I hadn’t waited so long. The final straw was when she began bed wetting due to anxiety.

She was originally in a school with 2 classes per year, approx 34-36 kids in each, and the school wasn’t big enough to accommodate that. Moved here to a 1 class per year, 20 kid school, same distance but in the opposite direction.

Within two weeks of being there she was a different child. She was happy getting ready in the mornings, went into class with zero fuss.

My daughter is in a tiny village school and has thrived. BUT, I think we've been lucky - she has a close friend. There are kids who don't fit in and get very miserable. The teachers are wonderful, but without the buffer of more children, we've had parents moving their children to a bigger school so they could make friends. Also, I now have terrible anxiety about my DD having to adjust to a massive high school.

On the parent side, I know some parents feel very on the fringes and left out - it's very very cliquey. I am not a social bunny so this doesn't bother me at all, but I can see it affecting others.

I'd recommend trying play dates with other children at the school before moving her. Help her to forge closer bonds.

I think it’s just something that I just have to take a punt on as everyone has completely different views and there are potentially hundreds of different outcomes. I won’t know until I try I guess. I am going to email her current school this morning to let them know what we are thinking as a last ditch attempt to try and make them understand the situation…

Depending on the individual teachers attitude they might say 'go for it (one less thing for us to worry about)'

So no I wouldn't say that you are thinking of changing her schools