Changing my DDs school after 6 months in reception

[Toomanychoices123]

This is a long one so please bear with me!

My DD started reception in sept and from day for has cried at drop off. The school has tried various things, I’ve tried various things but nothing has worked and she just says she misses me. She also tells me that the other children are mean to her and she doesn’t feel she has any friends. The school have said she’s fine and plays with others, is shy, but is making progress etc. I feel like we are all going around in circles. They see one thing and I hear another.

I have found another, smaller school a bit further from where we live, around 15 min drive. It’s only 1 class per year and a village school as opposed to her school now that’s 2 form entry and in a built up area. I hope that she’ll settle but I’m terrified of changing her and still having the same issues. Anyone been in this situation or can offer some advice? I’ve lost so much sleep over this and cannot see the wood for the trees anymore.

What @Whinge said. I did this. Every little thing we’d let them stop and in the long run it didn’t help. One of my DC isn’t that bothered but one who is much more sensitive has very much carried on the ‘ I’ve got no friends ‘ narrative and it’s taken me working on myself and behaviours to help. Even now I still slip into negative thoughts about their happiness.

It’s only been 6 months. If I were your friend I’d tell you to keep trying. On the other hand you’ve got a space at an over subscribed school so I can see your dilemma.

I do wonder if the school are saying she is happy when she is there then I’m not sure what they can do about what she’s saying to you and how you feel about it other than reassure you.

Why not home school her for a year and see how she develops. I know it isn't easy, but going to school is not easy for her.

Honestly as great as home education is for some children it very much sounds like the OPs daughter is allowed to give up everytime she finds something a little difficult or overwhelming.

She wants to stay home with mummy, most children would if given the choice when they are 4 but if she is taken out of school because it made her feel sad and the other kids are 'mean' then there is a very real chance she will continue to find overcoming challenges difficult because she's learning that if she gets upset mummy let's her stay with her and she gets to stop being put in situations where she's without mummy and she doesn't learn any resilience.

If swimming and dance didn’t work out, and those will be very small groups, especially the swimming and she took a very long time to settle at a small preschool then I’m not convinced a small school will help anything. Especially when you consider that there will be a smaller friendship pool.

A few things did stand out to me:
-Other kids being mean, not impossible but unlikely in reception, possibly means that they wouldn’t play exactly what she wanted not that they wouldn’t let her join in, or that she didn’t get the reaction she wanted about something. My DD declared a boy in her class mean because he didn’t notice her new hair bow. He’s a nice kid, just zero interest in girl’s hair accessories. The next day they were best friends again.
-Being allowed to quit if something is a bit difficult, not saying she should be forced into dance if she doesn’t like it but if there’s a wider issue with resilience then a new school won’t be a magic fix.
-Kids of that age aren’t 100% reliable, not saying your DD is deliberately lying or anything close to it but if you ask any 5YO who they played with a lot of them will say ‘nobody’ and that can mean anything from can’t remember, to ran around with a big group and didn’t pay attention to who, or that they’re tired and just don’t want to talk about it.

Smaller school may have even less chance of making friends- I would leave it a bit longer as it sounds like she struggles to settle in anywhere quickly.

I'd have persuaded her to keep going with swimming. It's a life skill. And really your not in swimming lessons to make friends they are there to learn to swim.

But given she seems to really struggle making friends would it be worth her doing something more social than dance or swimming, something like Rainbows or Girls brigade (do they have GB where you are or is that a scottish thing?)

However I don't think changing school is your answer
I really don't think I'd suggest it to the school. But it might be worth asking school if they think its worth getting her checked for ASD

Smaller schools have worked much better for my children as they are less overwhelming. All the staff know them too.

*Of coarse you have lots of friends! Who shall we ask to the park?’

‘Mommy loved school, you get to play in the water tray and sand pit, there’s so many lovely books to read’

Match her negative with positive answers and see if you can change her mind set.*

sorry, but I think that’s horrible. Children need to feel heard and have their feeling validated, not to be gaslit.

I would move her and also keep the autism issue in mind, see if this is something worth exploring

I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way op as I mean it kindly, your dd seems to have other issues as well as the separation anxiety and if she moves she will be taking those with her. My middle dd struggled in school, she went to 3 different primary schools (for other reasons) and struggled in all of them. Her problems persisted in post primary, it wasn't until college that she really settled and made friends. It was really difficult for her, and for us as a family.
You say the school are not supportive, what do you mean? Is it that you have some ideas about how they can support your dd and they are not listening, or is it that they don't see a problem?

I am a Teaching Assistant in Reception and my dd is in year 1. As a parent I completely sympathise. My dd cried and "didn't want to go to school" pretty much every day when she was in Reception. It was upsetting and draining and I could never quite get to the bottom of why she didn't want to go but I think basically it was that she was only 4 and would rather have been at home with me! She got better as the year went on and now in year 1 she is absolutely fine going in and thriving at school. So I would say hang on in there with your current school as sometimes it just takes a while for children to settle. Moving her may not solve the problem and could even give you a whole set of new problems!

As a TA I would say book a meeting with your dd's teacher (if you haven't done so already) so that you can properly discuss what's happening rather than quick chats at the start/end of the day. Reception is such a big adjustment for children as it's their first taste of school - it's a new environment, new rules, they are learning so much both academically and socially. It can be overwhelming for them and lead to them getting very emotional, particularly when they get home and can "let go" of all the pent up feelings in a safe place. As pp have said, I think the key here is to stay positive - ask her to tell you a good thing that happened at school that day, ask open questions about the other children, talk positively about going to school. Speaking to the teacher might lead to strategies they can use in school to help, such as personal activity boards so your dd can see which activity is coming next, giving her a responsibility in the classroom which she can do with a friend (eg watering the plants).

I wish you the best of luck.

Smaller schools have worked much better for my children as they are less overwhelming. All the staff know them too.

This often comes up with smaller schools as a positive but is not a given though. It's a 1 form entry school not a tiny village school with less than 100 kids and mixed classes. The teacher in any given year is no more or less likely to know the reception cohort any more than they would at a 2 form entry school.

I completely agree with @TwilightSilhouette my DD is in a 3 form entry primary. She has lots of kids to choose from and a couple of friendship groups. It took a while to settle and we also had tears at drop off for a long time etc. she's now thriving and happy

My niece is in the same year and goes to a smaller village 1 form entry - there is a disproportionate amount of boys in the class and only 6 girls - she's struggling to find a friend and there are no other options it will be a long time in the school with just 5 other girls

@Ridingfree my friends boy was the same with a small village school but with 9 boys just 2 girls. They ended up with a composite class not sure what the mix was in the other half of the class.
The girls were very much 'one of the boys' but as they got bigger it couldn't have been easy on the girls.

How many children per year at the new school OP?

If you just turn up when you feel it like the school would be within their rights to give your child's place to someone who actually wants it.

I would go to look at the other school. Possibly once on your own and then again with DD.

Being the new kid at this age tends to be a positive - they are new and exciting! So you should be able to build on that to help her make friends.

Something else to factor in is that in a one form entry school she isn't likely to have to deal with class changes. DD's two form entry school have had to shuffle classes about and she's been split from a lot of her friends this year. DD is a confident and very sociable child and she really struggled for the whole of the first term, whereas in a single form entry class there will be that higher level of stability.

Shuffling the classes is no bad thing.
They can do it to break up cliques and help stop bullying. As well as academic reasons.
And it means they get to know all the kids in the year group not just those in their class - which also means at break time they have a bigger pool of kids to play with.

@ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse there are 30 children per class and it goes from reception to year 4 so I think around 150 in the school

Before I started this thread I was leaning towards a change but most of you are right in saying that my DD doesn’t stick at things, however big or small the groups are. She doesn’t like change and it will initially be a struggle if she did move and ultimately it might all be for nothing as she might have the same issues. I just feel that the school and I have come to the end of what we can do. We’ve had meetings with the teacher, the deputy, the SENCo and they have allowed her to come in through the office, they have a book that she fills in once a day with something good she’s done at school. We’ve tried walking with other children, reading books about making friends and starting school. I’ve been very positive about things but it always come back to this negative view that she has of school and just being away from me. It’s so hard seeing her upset each day and I am almost sick with worry about this. I even took her to a private S&L therapist before she started school to have her assessed and she said she might suffer from mutism if she felt overwhelmed when starting school (luckily this isn’t the case) but I know she doesn’t say much at school. I can’t go to any assemblies as she just cries if she sees me. She was really excited about her nativity but she just sat on my lap crying the whole time when it came to the performance. @Moondust your post was very interesting from an inside the classroom perspective, thank you ☺️ and to everyone who has commented

This does sound really hard.

What is she like away from you with her dad/grandparents/other family members?

Op some of the teachers on MN will be more knowledgeable than me, but part of the issue might be the unstructured, free flow relaxed, overwhelming Reception class.
You might find going into Year 1 with more structure will actually help and that doesn't really matter which school she is in.
Does she have something she can take with her? Dolly or Teddy in her bag?

My possibly ASD had a stone in his pocket which he pretended was a phone to his teddy at that age. ASD hadn't entered my head at that point.

I'm north of the border so don't really understand the infant / junior school but moving schools now, then moving again in a couple of years could be another issue.

Whichever school you're at, it seems definite that more support is needed.

I would visit the other school and ask to speak to the Senco there to ask what could be put in place to support her if you were to move her. If the new school seem better equipped to support then that's reason enough to move her.

I knew deep down three months into Reception that the school I'd chosen wasn't right for us but I kept giving it more of a chance. One of the teachers (her teacher for only 2 days a week) was wonderful and I stuck with it because I knew DD was benefitting from her teaching.

However, the minute DD started Year 1 and wasn't with this one fabulous teacher at the school things went downhill again. She wasn't happy and every morning was an ordeal as she didn't want to go to school.

This was a tiny village school (6 children per year) and I've now moved her to a single full entry per year (30 kids). It's been a great move for us. The new school are supporting us with a couple of specific social issues but DD is generally happier just because the school is sensibly run in a calm and productive way.

@ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse im dory to hear you also had some tough times with your DD. It breaks my heart to think of her unhappy but the mixed messages I get from her and school are the thing that’s worse as I feel like I’m the one who is making all this drama for seemingly no reason when they are telling me she’s fine. She’s such a good girl and I know she wouldn’t lie, perhaps exaggerate the truth but I believe when she says she isn’t happy, she isn’t. 6 months is a long time to keep up such a facade and I just feel that apart from the fact that a smaller school could be a risk, it might be one worth taking if things aren’t improving

*sorry to hear..

can I ask @ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse what was the problem with your DD at her school?

One thing I would try first is changing the way you frame her day. I have a DC that tends towards negative, sympathy inducing answers and I've steered him away from his daily after school whinge by changing what I ask.

No more "how was your day?" and instead "did anything funny happen today?" "Who was the nicest in your class today?" "What was the best bit in your lunch?"

They take their cue from you, if you are asking a question in a way that looks like you want a serious answer, you get one.

I also volunteered and I could see he was totally fine, is that an option?

If school are saying she's OK, would it be possible for you to have a sneeky peek at say 9.15.
Even if its you with HT in an office and teacher doing a 2 min video call, cctv like, just she you can see her but no danger of her seeing you.