Changing my DDs school after 6 months in reception

[Toomanychoices123]

This is a long one so please bear with me!

My DD started reception in sept and from day for has cried at drop off. The school has tried various things, I’ve tried various things but nothing has worked and she just says she misses me. She also tells me that the other children are mean to her and she doesn’t feel she has any friends. The school have said she’s fine and plays with others, is shy, but is making progress etc. I feel like we are all going around in circles. They see one thing and I hear another.

I have found another, smaller school a bit further from where we live, around 15 min drive. It’s only 1 class per year and a village school as opposed to her school now that’s 2 form entry and in a built up area. I hope that she’ll settle but I’m terrified of changing her and still having the same issues. Anyone been in this situation or can offer some advice? I’ve lost so much sleep over this and cannot see the wood for the trees anymore.

The vast majority of kids in mainland Europe are going to a school type place in the daytime Mon to Fri as well by age 4, it’s just that it’s called a kindergarten or daycare etc. rather than a school. There might be a somewhat slower start to academics in most countries, but the separation from Mum is normal elsewhere as well.

That is a very good point that @CurlyhairedAssassin has made. My boy HATES having to walk in late. Would much rather be part of the crowd.
But it might be worth trying her going in a minute or two before the bell and the rest of the kids coming in.

Slightly different but my son was 2.5 years old… he had been at his nursery since he was 1. But I suspect he got bored or something changed. About 3 months before he started crying and refusing to go. I was pregnant with my third child. One day he refused to get out of the car and neither me or the manager could get him out. We did eventually and he went in. Both of us in tears. She rang 5 mins later and said he was fine. He was im sure not crying because he knew I wasn’t coming back. But I also knew that I was going on maternity leave so could take him out. So I cancelled the nursery left work early. They kept saying he was fine. But I knew he wasn’t. He had good language. So I looked for a little morning nursery and found one. We looked around and I liked it. To be honest it was the only one I found. He told me afterwards that he didn’t like it. Eventually I found another. We went and looked around. I wasn’t keen but he loved it. He didn’t stay long because he turned 3 and got a place at the nursery his brother went to but he was so happy at that nursery and the next. I promised myself I would always listen to my children again
and not be scared to move them if I needed to.

I think you know if the Issue is just separation anxiety in which case moving her won’t help or if it’s the school. Not all school suit all children. Take her and view any schools that have spaces. Let her tell you if she likes any of them and then trust yourself and her to make the right decision.

I would switch. Mine are at a small school and the whole class mix together really well. Kids from different years all play together too. The opposite of cliques.

I'm sorry op but if the school are saying she's doing well I would trust them. Children are very good at picking up on anxiety in the ones they love and it sounds like there's now a big thing about school now. Going to a Salt before school, all these meetings etc. I think the last thing you could try before moving her is trusting the school. Although it's sad It's really normal for children to cry at drop off whilst they are settling, they love their mums and they don't have the same sense of time as us, a day stretched out before them can be very, very daunting. Although it's horrible for the mums it really isn't uncommon for children to calm down within 5 minutes and start playing. Has anyone else ever dropped her off ? What happens then?

As a school they have no reason to lie about whether she is settled once the goodbye is over do they ? What specifically has happened in terms of children being mean?

I hated school and moving schools made it marginally worse. I just didn’t like school. It was better at secondary age because I was older. I would encourage play dates but remember children this age are pretty socially inept, so they will sometimes be mean. No child goes through school without some friendship issues.

I have twins my daughter settled into nursery at 11 months ok but then we moved villages at 3 years and she settled into local nursery ok. Two days a week I wanted longer childcare and so put her in their sister nursery for these two days. She cried every single drop off - threw up from crying when she realised from her surroundings out the window which nursery we were going to. I stopped taking her after 8 sessions.
I would move them they might find the large numbers over whelming. 6 months is a long time.

You’ve probably already tried this, but a little reward chart might work? You could add things she’ll easily achieve (brushing her teeth, putting her shoes on, putting her reading book in her bag, etc) and focus on walking into school with no tears. I would use a daily reward at first (maybe a sweet treat or small craft activity) then move on to a weekly treat (a play date or a favourite magazine).
It sounds like you’re doing quick drop offs already which is key, and lots of positive talk about school and friendships. I would say don’t entertain negative talk at this point, it’s likely she’ll escalate and become more upset, change the subject and focus on the positive. Talk about what you see on the way to school, set a challenge to who can spot the most cars or dogs.
Hopefully her teacher would tell you if your child is unhappy throughout the day, it sounds like that’s not the case and she just struggles to separate from you.
changing school is a good option if she’s struggling through the day, but I wouldn’t move her if it’s just drop offs at the moment.
sorry you’re going through this OP, it’s really tough! X

My son is in reception has similar issues with going in to school and with saying he has no friends. For him it started 2nd year in nursery, and got better for a while when he started school. we moved school at Christmas to a 1 class per year village school (due to house move), again better for a while then back to being upset.
My advice would be to speak to the SEN coordinator at his school and aske her to do an assessment, we had this done at nursery and she played with him a bit then watched him for a bit. The things she saw plus the sensory things we'd observed at home added up to a ASD referral, but were also really helpful in understanding what was going on.
For our son he doesn't really understand the rules of play with friends, and often chooses to play by himself. He has no friends doesn't mean that the other children are actually mean, or even avoiding him, but that his expectations is that they will follow his rules and play his way, and that he will always win, and that's just not how it works. Moving school wouldn't help so we just need to work with him and help him get there.

I could’ve written this post myself! My son is 4 and started reception in sept too. Before that he had been at a nursery from 8 months old and then preschool (which is joined to the school he is at) from 2.5yrs.
He hasn’t settled yet imo and it’s been a difficult 6 months of worry for me, he is very shy and can be non responsive to his teachers if he is upset, he can’t/won’t tell them why he’s upset etc. He doesn’t play with the other children, however he has recently started playing ‘alongside’ them but rarely talks to his peers.
He cried every morning at drop off until last month when he suddenly stopped crying, much to my relief as it was difficult seeing the majority of the other children going in happily. He also cried every morning for almost the whole 2 years he went to preschool.
I did start wondering what on earth is going on at school to make him dislike it so much, but I’ve put it down to him just not being emotionally ready. He was a prem summer baby, this tipped him into the school year above and this really hasn’t helped him.
I’ve spoken to his school teacher and they have been excellent at identifying the areas he needs support in and have reassured me that he will make friends once he feels more confident and that he seems to enjoy school once he has settled. I’ve tried not to make a big thing out of it all, and we don’t have the option of another school, even if we did I would stay with the one we’ve got as the issue is with him not being ready for school/shy/under confident rather than with anything being wrong at school (as far as I can tell)!
I wonder if similar issues are happening with your daughter, perhaps a lack of confidence? I’m always a bit wary of moving schools as what do you do if this doesn’t help, move to another and then another? I would give her current school more of a chance particularly if her teacher is saying everything is ok.

One of mine was like this. It took until the may half term to improve. What did help was arriving early, being the first in the cloakroom/classroom. I don’t think she liked the hustle and bustle of it all later on.

I don’t have a child with extra needs to might be completely off the mark here but it doesn’t sound as if the school are taking your concerns seriously. Could you perhaps see a health visitor or GP and speak to them about your concerns around the lack of empathy etc, see what they say? I have a child in reception, I can’t imagine how you must feel sending her in every day knowing she doesn’t want to go after six months. We had the same until just after Xmas but it’s much improved now. The school were quite helpful with us though so I felt a bit of comfort knowing they were giving hugs and comforting her. Could you maybe visit the school with her see what you think and talk to them about what’s going wrong with the other school, see what their response is. If they’re a smaller school and your daughter has SEN, will they have the facilities to adapt things for her as much as the bigger school? Maybe she’s overwhelmed with the amount of kids. I don’t think other kids would take it to heart or think she’s being mean by not waving back though, kids don’t take things as personally as adults do and if my daughter mentioned someone at nursery like that I’d explain some children are very shy or struggle with making friends and she’d just accept it. Could you try meeting up at parks at the time other kids from school will be there, for example just after school if there’s one nearby? Maybe she needs a smaller group to get used to socialising in. 60 kids sounds like a lot!

I would take your dd to the other school and do a trial if it is possible. I speak as the mum to a dd, who has had a lot of anxiety and issues with school. This manifested in sensory issues around clothes and hair with lots of tears around not wanting to go.

Personally it wouldn’t have worked for my dd as she only ever wanted and still wants to do things that her friends are doing. She was pretty close to school refusal by the middle of year 1 and was the child, who cried every day. The TA collected her in reception and in yr1, I regularly went in the cloakroom, which was tolerated only because of dd’s anxiety. The yr1 teacher made a personalised sticker chart for her, which involved getting dressed nicely and going into school nicely. She got over this with coping strategies as she got older but struggled with transitioning to the next year up and regressed every year for a couple of weeks until about year 5.

I do not agree with the posters, who say you’ve let your dd drop so much no this is not helping with resilience. If anything, I would say the complete opposite. You need to let your dd feel safe in order for her to build resilience. My dd couldn’t cope with dancing either age 5. She restarted 18 months later when she could cope with drop off and is still dancing now, age 14. She changed to a different sport club about a year ago (as the club wasn’t teaching her anything) and it was really hard for her because she didn’t know anyone. Lots of teenage angst and she was pretty horrible to me. As she is older, I told her she needed to do 6 months and made her stick it out. Within 5 months, she suddenly started to enjoy it.

It sounds as if your dd needs lots of nurturing in order to build her resilience, rather like mine. Play dates are great for helping her integrate and with social skills, as are after school activities as they help children to do things when you’re there as well. But I appreciate reception is very young. My dd didn’t do anything until year 1. Don’t worry about the waving to the girl. Your dd will find her place. My dd had friendship issues in year 1 and the school organised for the dinner ladies to look after her. One was great, she held dd’s hand and organised group games, which dd eventually integrated in. The school also had a club once a week in the morning for children struggling for various reasons. Perhaps your dd’s school does too.

As for after school activities, dd did rainbows for a while in the second half of year 1, she wouldn’t have gone before. I still had to stay in the room (in the corner) the first couple of times before she accepted to go and then outside the room for a few weeks. Rainbows is pretty nurturing. Dd did go to swimming lessons in year 1 for a few years. But it was with a friend (as she would only do things with friends) at a private pool in someone’s house with up to 5 kids so pretty relaxed. We sat on sofas around the pool and could be there for a cuddle if she needed me.

I wouldn't take the school's views on whether your daughter might have ASD as definitive. Children do tend to mask at school and girls are particularly good at it, and far too many schools are really unwilling to acknowledge difficulties like ASD and ADHD. It could be worth talking to your GP about a referral for diagnosis. There is probably a long waiting list, but at least you'll be on it.

My son had similar issues and ended up moving schools at the beginning of year 1 due to a house move. It was the best thing to happen. The small classes of a village school were just what he neede and he never had anymore issues. He's recently been diagnosed as having Asd so maybe he was overwhelmed by the big school. I also think there were bullying issues with some little shits in his class.
I'd say move her.

We moved our eldest son in similar circumstances. Reception was fine for him but the trouble started in Year 1 and it went on and on. Roll on Year 5 and finally the full extent of his misery and the meanness of the other kids together with having no friends came tumbling out. We moved him immediately and he became a different child overnight who was popular and had lots of friends. It was a move from a very large village school to a very small village school (and yes, it meant a drive rather than a walk round the corner). Best thing we ever did. Might it be worth a chat with the Head of the school you’d transfer your DD to? Good luck OP. I know how damn hard it is when you’ve an unhappy child where school is concerned.

The issue with moving is given she has struggled in other small groups there is no guarantee that moving will be the magical solution and you can't keep moving schools.

Dd3's best friend was like this in reception, her mother used to bring her after the others to try and minimise the stress. I found whenever her mother was there she was clingy and crying but was fine the rest of the time. ( I have known her since she was a baby and she is 15 now). I think she liked the attention she got from her mother by being miserable. It was a one form entry school.

Is there a way for you to volunteer in the school, reading in the classroom or PTA so your daughter can see you around in the school setting? This would also allow you to see her and her peers whilst being there and you'll have an idea pf what she is going through from her point of view, if that makes sense? It might help her see the place in a friendlier more positive light.

Also get some playdates going to encourage some friendships along. If her bday is coming maybe host a small party for the girls to start with, even just a few. I find there's a lot of involvement required from parents nowadays to start, but they'll soon find their own way.

If even after doing some more of these, and she still isn't happy or settled then you can look into moving school in year 1.

I do hope she settles in soon as it's heartbreaking to see our children be unhappy.

My ds sounds just like yours, my rules, my way, must win! He is 19 now and still doesn't have friends though he tries not to be so bossy and no longer throws tantrums if he's not winning! His two brother in laws have helped by not accepting any nonsense. He was bullied at school and at age 10 I moved him to a private boys school where he thrived.

Ds used to cry every day when I picked him up from school. A combination of him masking - although at the time I didn't know, and not fitting in with the type of school it was - single-entry where if you were NT and academic the teachers and the TA loved you but if you were ND they made life very difficult - like they could discipline your child into being NT and that got worse - I moved him to a larger school with a better focus on pastoral care at the end of Year 2 but I regret not following my instincts.
The size of the school is not the important thing...try to understand the school's ethos - you'll have to read between the lines though and seek unofficial opinions because no one officially will admit it and Ofsted (in the past anyway) were too interested in Sats results.

I'd definitely leave her there. If the teachers say she's fine and the only thing you see is her crying about it, no other weird behaviour that is worrying then totally stick with it. I spent 3years explaining to my kid why he had to go to school at first, he's now a bright grammar school kid loving it.
It's not strange to miss you but maybe give her something special to have in her pocket from you on school days, like a heart shaped pebble or a kiss or something. Be excited to see her and hear all about her day so she starts to look forward to sharing her news with you. Be totally upbeat but matter of fact at drop off. Don't encourage her to cling.

I remember a little girl like this when I was in primary. Broke her heart everyday, had to be peeled away from mums arms. Once assembly was over she was fine. We were a two class school- one class for infants and another for juniors.

I feel your pain, I’ve just dropped my little boy off who’s in Reception and he still cries (some days more than others and today was a particularly bad day) 😓
He attends a small school, one class per year and only 18 in his class. I’m fairly confident the reason he cries is just the separation from me and not the school, although he does say he’s scared sometimes- reception get a lot of time to do their own thing and I know he struggles with feeling a bit lost and not knowing what to do at these points.
I deliberately chose a small school which I think does help, they know each other really well so go off and play with different friend groups, rather than sticking with just their closer friends. He’s happy when I pick him up and talks positively about his day, if your daughter isn’t happy when she’s there and especially saying people are mean, that would break my heart. I’d move her I think.

Personally, I would give the other school a punt, particularly as you don’t feel her school has been particularly supportive.

my daughter didn’t settle and we decided to hang on in there and I wish we hadn’t. School always maintained no issues. Covid hit in Y1 and she thrived at home and was very unhappy when she returned to school.

We removed her and home educate now, and she is being assessed for ASD and ADHD. (And so much happier). However, it wouldn’t really have been our choice and I wish we’d explored other school options earlier on. By the time we removed her, she was in too much of a state to be open to exploring other schools.