Changing my DDs school after 6 months in reception

[Toomanychoices123]

This is a long one so please bear with me!

My DD started reception in sept and from day for has cried at drop off. The school has tried various things, I’ve tried various things but nothing has worked and she just says she misses me. She also tells me that the other children are mean to her and she doesn’t feel she has any friends. The school have said she’s fine and plays with others, is shy, but is making progress etc. I feel like we are all going around in circles. They see one thing and I hear another.

I have found another, smaller school a bit further from where we live, around 15 min drive. It’s only 1 class per year and a village school as opposed to her school now that’s 2 form entry and in a built up area. I hope that she’ll settle but I’m terrified of changing her and still having the same issues. Anyone been in this situation or can offer some advice? I’ve lost so much sleep over this and cannot see the wood for the trees anymore.

Exactly this! We told the school we were thinking or moving and we had zero reply to our letter, so they didn't give a fuck.

When we actually left they never asked why or what they could do to help. If you want to move just move her.

You’re focusing on other children being mean to her so you need to get to the bottom of what that actually means. It would be rare for there to be a proper bullying situation in reception that was on going. Is it your dds perception that people are being mean because they aren’t all playing with her and playing what she wants to play?

@Sugarfree23 but then surely if they said that rather than try and fix the situation and work with us, I have the answer, move her because the school isn’t supportive enough?

My ds goes to a small school and says he has no friends (he is in reception too) I have had discussions with the school who insist he has lots of friends. I was thinking some of it was made up until I saw two of his classmates exclude him from a game and laugh at him before school (I don't do drop offs usually) and mentioned to the teacher from afar it looks like they were playing nicely but it was the opposite.
Secondly we went to a classmates birthday party and I noticed no-one paired up with him or played with him.
He is supersensitive. I am neurodiverse as are 6 of the 9 cousins and his half brother but because he is sweet and well behaved the school don't recognise anything. I am now going down the private testing route.
I don't have any answers but a smaller school will probably not be the answer either.

she does settle as soon as I leave but it’s the negative attitude towards school that I don’t like. She doesn’t talk about it fondly and says she doesn’t have many friends. I have set up a play date with her new friend

A playdate with the new friend seems like a postive step. Does she do any other activities outside of school, or attend any clubs?

You say the school are telling you one thing and you're seeing another, but alsio admit she is settled as soon as you leave. I don't think changing schools is going to be a magic fix, and I don't mean to be unkind but I agree with @lottie2888 that perhaps your response to school and her upset might be contributing to her negative comments and feelings about school.

I was going to post something similar. The teachers say she is a little shy and does play with others so it could well be that her main problem is that others are 'mean' because they are not playing what she wants to.

I think moving her is a very risky choice. A small single entry class means she has a much smaller pool of friendship choices and could very easily exaperate her issues further.

Before moving her I'd want to ensure there was a solid back up plan in place should it not work out. Otherwise you may find yourself back to square 1 and looking for another solution in another few months.

I'd work round to going in the main entrance maybe after Easter , at our school the ones who come in through office kind of feel different and just delays the inevitable separation anxiety . Believe the teachers when they say she has settled, it will be true, they would tell you if not. Is there someone you can meet up to walk in with so that there is another child there ? Not so intense, and don't focus on that you will miss her (if you do) as that makes it worse. Maybe at end of day before you listen to her worries ask her to tell you one good thing that happened. She will get there, might take a while but she will

How would you like them to support you? The chances are her perception of children being mean is them not necessarily playing with or playing what she wants which is all part of the learning curve.

I get it both of mine struggled to leave me and initially make friends in reception. it took time though to click with them and once it did they were fine

and why does such a small school have a place

If it’s a two form entry could you ask the school to swap her into the other class if there’s space? She gets a bit of a fresh start without too much upheaval?

If the current school is a 2forn entry can you ask for her to be moved to the other class?

Not necessarily they just won't argue with you about it. It's your choice.

Regarding your thoughts on possible ASD no-one will rush to make that diagnosis so early on in school unless it is really obvious.

I wouldn't jump to leaving schools purely because it sounds like she was the same at preschool and it seems more about wanting to be with you than not liking school.

Is there anything else going on? E.g. new baby?

If your DH drops off is it the same?

Could her negative attitude be more about there being more rules and I rather be with mummy? She will also pick up on your anxiety now.
How are these children mean have you asked?

So it’s the same regardless of who drops her off but it is much worse for me. @SolitudeNotLoneliness @Magicmagician there is another class but both classes have 30 children and they play in a shared area most of the time so she can play with anyone really. I have huge reservations about the single form entry school. My DD has always been hard to predict and doesn’t make friend easily, we’ve tried swimming and dance but both didn’t work out and she cried during these too so we stopped them. She just doesn’t do well in unfamiliar situations so maybe she does need longer in her current school. That being said, the school that have offered me a place is normally oversubscribed and I don’t now want to lose the place only to have to move her later on down the line. This school is the only other one I can see that would be significantly different to her school now. She was in a small pre school and although took longer to settle she does seem to cope better with a less busy environment. I had to change her to packed lunches in the classroom when she first started school as the lunch hall was too much for her and she said the smell and noise was too much

I also agree with the PP about thinking about how you respond to her.

E.g. last week, my 6 year old came home and said his friends were mean about his new shoes. I asked some open questions and it became clear they weren't mean, they just didn't notice them straight away and say they liked them.

Basically I didn't take the "mean" comment at face value and jump into sympathising with him, I started from the assumption that his friends probably weren't mean and there was more to it. But it's tricky, I don't mean to suggest dismissing feelings, I wouldn't have said "don't be silly, they weren't mean"

Something else you could try is having a daily ritual of telling each other your "rose" = good thing about your day and "thorn" = bad thing, she might open up about some of the good things

This is an interesting post

And this one. And the post with the examples of the positive responses from Mum.
it’s worth a try to hopefully create a more positive narrative about school.

I would move her, you can always move back (unless her current school has a waiting list). But give her antaster day there and see what she thinks, that’s standard.

It is quite possible that someone is picking on her, in which case a move does solve the problem. I know 3 people who changed school in reception and all of them were glad they did.

That said - her behaviour is unfortunately very normal. Age four is far too young for 9am - 3pm formal schooling and it doesn’t work for sensitive children or those young for their year, the teachers union has even written articles on exactly that.

Do bear in mind that until she reaches compulsory school age, which is the first day of the term after her fifth birthday, you do not have any obligation to turn up on any particular day. The register will not mark her absence as unauthorised or authorised, there is a different code for her age which is ‘attendance not required.’ When we were having a similar struggle I simply explained to the school that we would be doing three day weeks for a term and that their approval wasn’t needed as she was under CSA.

we’ve tried swimming and dance but both didn’t work out and she cried during these too so we stopped them.

I had to change her to packed lunches in the classroom when she first started school as the lunch hall was too much for her and she said the smell and noise was too much

Again I don't mean this comment unkindly, and perhaps i'm way off the mark. But from your posts there seems to be a reoccuring theme of allowing your DD to give up when things get too tricky. Stopping the clubs because she was upset, swapping to packed lunches because she was upset and now potentially changing school because she's upset. It's difficult when children are struggling, but resillience is also important, and sometimes perserving and letting them realise it's not actually as bad as they think is a positive thing.

When I ask my two who they played with they often say 'nobody' - this can mean all sorts from 'i can't be bothered to think about it/tell you' to 'i can't remember' to 'i ran around with some other kids but didn't really notice exactly who'. If you have any suspicion of sen/asd then in my opinion a bigger school is more likely to have staff with experience in this area than a tiny village school. Bigger schools are also more likely to have support structures in place like a quiet room or similar.

From your update it sounds like your DD being upset isn’t limited to school but also other activities, and so I’m not sure a new school will change anything.

Could she be masking at school and the crying etc is a reaction to this? I’d be pursuing a diagnosis, especially as you
mention sensory issues with the lunch hall.

Change schools
I did this and it was a gamble but it worked.
In the new school find out very quickly if there’s a Facebook or WhatsApp group and introduce yourselves.

Then invite children round. Ask the teacher for some suggestions. You might have to help her build her circle. Luckily at this stage of reception friendships are still very much being built. If you wait till year 1/2 things are more settled.

Totally agree

My dd was just like this. She ended year r with only crying some days but not all. Pattern continued into Yr 1 & 2 with her being fine for a few weeks then crying every drop off for a month or 2. Moving her wasn't an option as other dc was in year above & very happy.

To be honest she carried on like this on and off til about age 10 (didn't cry at drop off after year 2 though). Often cried when dropping her off for hobbies, which she wanted to do, refused to quit but didn't like being left - even if she could see me sat in the car the entire time.

She didn't like me leaving her with her dad when i was going out to meet friends for an evening etc.

No trauma in her life, I'd always worked and she'd been in childcare from 6 months old. It's just how she was - overly anxious & worried.

She refused to do sleepovers at friends houses so we'd have them at our house instead. Her hobbies involved a lot of traveling which we always had to take her as she wouldn't go with friends instead so no lift sharing.

I spent a lot of time working out strategies to help her with anxiety (printed out loads from the internet, which really helped), and it improved over time.

She's now 17 & is completely fine!! She really became more confident around year 6, would finally do sleepovers at friends' houses, stopped being anxious, and just got on with things. She became a different person overnight!

When I ask her now why she was like it she doesnt know & is really embarrassed by her behaviour. All she says is that she liked being at home. She is still a home body but has a part time job in hospitality which has increased her confidence in being in new situations with new people, still does her hobby but for a new team where she knew no-one when she started and took it all in her stride.

Looking back, there's nothing I could have done differently. She was just an extremely anxious child who didn't like a lot of things, especially change.

She's also always been extremely close to her brother who is only 1 year older who has always been the complete opposite personality wise and I think that helped her as he encouraged her to be more social & take things in her stride.

Changing schools for her wouldn't have helped, but probably would have confirmed for her it's right to not want to go as I'd pulled her out.

I was quite tough love about it all. Always reassured her I'd be back, or where I would be waiting for her, but said it once and then left. Didn't give her the opportunity to prolong any goodbyes as that only made it worse. Was very matter of fact - you have to go to school today. I will drop you off and will be waiting at the tree at 3pm to collect you etc. Have a nice day - love you, bye. Turned around & left. School were good & made sure they took her straight in with no hanging around.

The only thing I learnt about her over time was that giving her notice of things was not helpful, even though I thought it was. Instead of using the notice to get used to the idea, she would instead have longer to worry & panic over it, which made it worse.

I'm hoping it will work out for you like it did for us, eventually!! Good luck

Some children are simply not ready for the hurly-burly of school at the prescribed age. Why should they be? It is essentially an artificial imposed institution that takes them away from their primary care-givers.

Why not home school her for a year and see how she develops. I know it isn't easy, but going to school is not easy for her.