Changing my DDs school after 6 months in reception

[Toomanychoices123]

This is a long one so please bear with me!

My DD started reception in sept and from day for has cried at drop off. The school has tried various things, I’ve tried various things but nothing has worked and she just says she misses me. She also tells me that the other children are mean to her and she doesn’t feel she has any friends. The school have said she’s fine and plays with others, is shy, but is making progress etc. I feel like we are all going around in circles. They see one thing and I hear another.

I have found another, smaller school a bit further from where we live, around 15 min drive. It’s only 1 class per year and a village school as opposed to her school now that’s 2 form entry and in a built up area. I hope that she’ll settle but I’m terrified of changing her and still having the same issues. Anyone been in this situation or can offer some advice? I’ve lost so much sleep over this and cannot see the wood for the trees anymore.

I don't actually consider a primary school with 30 children per year to be a small school.

@Toomanychoices123 Our issues with DD's school were that she just wasn't happy to go. There are things going on at the school with the way one or two staff treat the children that was creating an atmosphere that just wasn't happy or inspiring good learning and in which the children were scared to make mistakes. Quite a few children have left in the past few months so it wasn't just us, but for me it boiled down to the fact that a five year old should look forward to going to school and for the most part enjoy being there. We've got years of school ahead and this should be the easy bit!

The change of school has been brilliant for us and although DD struggles a little socially the new school are being proactive about putting support in place.

A small village school will have children who have known each other all their lives and she may not be able to find friends. Mine went to a village school, and my eldest daughter never had friends - her age group were very cliquey and she was never invited anywhere. You may find it’s actually worse

There have been so many responses and I am so grateful for all you you taking the time to answer my question. There have been lots of for and against moving schools. I think the plan I now have in my head is to arrange a meeting with her current school to discuss it further and see how receptive they are about trying something differently perhaps. My daughter seems receptive to the idea of looking around another school so I will touch base with them and explain the situation. I wonder if a taster day would be an option, I guess I can always ask…and just go from there I think. ASD has always been in the back of my mind but I think at the moment I just want to focus on getting her into school without tears and looking forward to it, as all of her peers do.

It's interesting what you say about your dds different reaction to people in pain. My eldest also ignored it whilst my younger dd was always upset and tried to help. The oldest is now a gynaecologist (registrar) but still doesn't seem very sympathetic to her patients yet she constantly gets very good feedback for her bedside manner! Perhaps the elder one wants all the attention.

@Manthide thats interesting to hear! She’s always playing vets and drs and seems very sympathetic to her pretend toys so maybe her compassion just isn’t for me 🙈 What did your youngest end up doing?

Surely if you have to drive her to school there will be fewer opportunities for play dates, longterm socialising etc also?

How is your DD with her younger sister? Do they play together well?

Yes driving her to school would mean that but I can always drive to a play date at someone’s house. I’m happy to try and facilitate anything she wants to try and settle her. Similarly with the parents. I would say that I’m good at chatting to people and make the effort to get to know people so I’d hope there wouldn’t be an issue in that respect. My other daughter has juts turned 2 and they play really well together. My older one will always give in to my younger daughter but on the whole they play well

She's a senior biomedical engineering consultant, still making sure everyone is okay including her dh and ds. I did have 2 more dc afterwards who are teenagers.

We had the exact same thing with our first son. He was horrendous to take into school in reception. I thought this was just his personality, didn't want to be away from us etc so we persevered all the way until year 3 with varying difficulties getting him in along the way. He never said he liked school, always said how much he hated it. We moved him in year 3 and honestly it breaks my heart that we didn't do it straight away. He skips in every day with no problems and is always happy and positive about school. Obviously you have no way of knowing how things will go for you but if you don't think it's right then I'd move her.

@Newuser82 this is what I worry about. I want her to like school and I feel this is the only way to see if it’s the school that’s the issue.

Yes we had similar with our son, chewing holes in clothes, having accidents at school where he never did before. The school just brushed it off. It's really sad when your child (or any child) is struggling like that.

Op if she'd got on OK in the smaller groups at dance and swimming then maybe ... but she didn't

30 in a class is still, 30 in a class regardless if they are part of a 150 school of 500 school.

I think you have to wait and see how she goes in Yr1, with a more structured, less chaos day.

From your posts it seems like your gut instinct is to make the change. In which case go for a visit, with dd and take a look around. You'll get the chance to ask questions and generally get a feel for the place and a better idea of what would be best for you both.

@Toomanychoices123 I can only go off our own experiences but from what you are saying your daughter sounds very like my son except my son is the most empathetic person I know.

He never wanted to do outside activities, used to sit on my knee and cry at parties and always wanted me with him. I would have been 100% sure he was autistic.

Literally since the days he moved school he is like a different child. I think his issues were down to anxiety (although he still is what I would call quirky). It's so sad that it affected him so badly. Really hope you can make some positive changes one way or another as I know how tough it is!

@Newuser82 I’m so sorry this has happened to you but it’s so nice to hear moving worked for your family. You must feel such relief! Can I ask, when did he start showing more anxiety about school, more than just tears at drop off?

In reception! he was chewing everything, clothes, pens etc. He also started having accidents where he never did before. Only ever at school. He wouldn't be away from us ever, to the point that he would get upset if we even went upstairs and he was downstairs. Later on in year 2 he started having panic attacks and scratching himself. We did a cbt course which helped him hugely but honestly all of that worry and anxiety just went when he moved school. The school like yours always insisted that he was fine once we left him which is why we carried on. We shouldn't have listened to them.

@Newuser82 she hasn’t exhibited anything like that, she won’t be in a different room to us when she’s at home but she’s always been like that. I think she is seemingly ok when she’s in class because she just follows the rules and does what she has to do to get through the day. I just can’t believe that a child of such a young age could continue hating school that much just for attention or not wanting to be away from me. It’s exhausting being upset every day so why would she be if it’s all ok 🤷🏻‍♀️ It must be that she genuinely doesn’t like it there

@Toomanychoices123 I'd agree. When talking to my sons headteacher at the new school he said all kids should skip in and skip out and if they don't then something needs to change.

As another mention, my youngest son is 4 and at nursery. He went through a stage of crying when going in but it was different as he never said he didn't like it. He always talked nicely about it and his friends. It was literally that he just would prefer to be with me. My oldest son was different.

@Newuser82 your posts have been very helpful. She also talked fondly of pre school although she cried at drop off, it never went on this long and she was happy there. This is definitely different. Interesting the head said that to you too

@Toomanychoices123 yes, I know it's a hard decision. Maybe a taster day at the other school may make things clearer?

My DS cried every single morning at drop off for his school nursery (full time) until almost Christmas, then started again after Christmas until Feb half term. Then it stopped.

I have a firm belief that he would have been the same anywhere, and he was just overwhelmed by it all and would prefer to be at home.

Now he absolutely adores school, found his little best friend (who was also in the nursery, but they didn’t notice each other until about Easter in nursery) and everything works out.

Go with your gut I’d say - mine said leaving him in the school was for the best but yours might say otherwise for your DD.

Hi @Toomanychoices123 if you've tried everything you can with the school and your daughter is describing the kids mean, surely it is a no-brainer to move here to another school. It sounds like it's not a good fit for her. Visit the new school and meet the teacher, find out the school values and ask to look at their policies. Your daughter deserves to find a place where she feels safe and it's okay in life to try something new and have a fresh start. If kids are being mean your daughter is unlikely she or you will be able to change that dynamic if it is a subculture that the teachers are unaware of. These dynamics have been researched in education and teachers can be quite unaware of what is going on between the children.

@3487642I
Op only has DDs word for that. If you read the thread, another child has attempted to be friendly. DD might be rather economical with the truth in this. School haven’t seen it. My DD said similar. DD had to learn to compromise. At 4/5/6 they don’t always have these skills. Or, empathy towards others and their views and feelings. Plus why would another set of Dc be any different? It’s very complex if you read OP’s posts.

Also caring jobs don’t necessarily go to the overtly caring people. Often they go to the ones who don’t get overwhelmed by their feelings. DD is a family barrister. You do need some detachment or it’s too much!

She sounds exactly like my daughter who started school in September. Tells me every night that she has no friends and no one plays with her, cries every morning, runs away at drop off so i have to basically drag her in, comes out and i ask if shes had a nice day and i get "no it was awful" as a response every day.

However as soon as we walk on to the playground she is surrounded by children calling her name and wanting to play with her and gets constant party invites. Teachers say she is happy all day and popular so they have no idea where the no one plays with her thing comes from.

She is my third and I think my reaction would be different if she was my first. I trust the school as ive had 2 others go through year R. She is the only one of mine who always cried at preschool drop off even though i know she was happy all day as they would send me pictures. I always listen to her and say "im sorry you havent had a good day but what fun parts can you remember" generally she will say "none" but with some gentle questioning she always finds something good about her day ie did you have a biscuit for dessert? Did you get to play outside? Once we find one good thing she then tends to start talking about positives.

If you are happy with the school I would concentrate on helping your daughter to feel settled for now instead of changing schools, its a big change for them.