Changing my DDs school after 6 months in reception

[Toomanychoices123]

This is a long one so please bear with me!

My DD started reception in sept and from day for has cried at drop off. The school has tried various things, I’ve tried various things but nothing has worked and she just says she misses me. She also tells me that the other children are mean to her and she doesn’t feel she has any friends. The school have said she’s fine and plays with others, is shy, but is making progress etc. I feel like we are all going around in circles. They see one thing and I hear another.

I have found another, smaller school a bit further from where we live, around 15 min drive. It’s only 1 class per year and a village school as opposed to her school now that’s 2 form entry and in a built up area. I hope that she’ll settle but I’m terrified of changing her and still having the same issues. Anyone been in this situation or can offer some advice? I’ve lost so much sleep over this and cannot see the wood for the trees anymore.

@TizerorFizz that's my thoughts too. I don't see how the kids at another school would be different.

I don't even see what difference another reception class would make. Unless it's something to do with the teacher. But you can't move school every time a kid doesn't really like their teacher.

She may or may not have autism or autistic trates but one thing to keep in mind more children are diagnosed now than ever before.
Partly because people are more aware. And partly because schools are much more over stimulating than ever before, bright fun colours, lots of noise, kids moving around, the old style of bums on seats, boring brown wood desk is less overwhelming.
She may well be better in Year 1 with a more structured day. And that's just a age and stage thing not dependent on the school.

Just to add that i think my DD genuinely does mean what she says because she would rather be at home with me so her day is awful when she is away from school and thinking about going but once shes there she is busy playing and learning so in the moment it doesnt feel awful and shes happy. Small children have complicated emotions.

Yes. I do think children can be quite happy but then when promoted, say they are not for a small slight that happened earlier . Or remember selectively.

I think YR, in a chaotic classroom that’s often described on MN, does not suit everyone. I would have run a mile. DDs did want to sit down and practice writing. They didn’t really want to run around or be disrupted and it wasn’t allowed anyway. Thankfully we had very skilled teachers and DDs got tasks commensurate with their needs and abilities. A more purposeful YR classroom is a bonus these days I think. I also agree far more DC are not ready for school and are labelled early. We also had staggered starts back in the day.Cheaper for the schools! Some Dc need this. My DDs were ready at 4 plus but some are not. Mine were but a few needed very structured play for another term.

I wouldn't do this. It sounds like gaslighting your own child.

I'm all for positivity but not for invalidating another person's feelings. How about 'I know it's hard, but you are brave enough to do it'?

We walk to school with 2 other kids from my LO's year. They're all now in Y1. Last year each of them went through phases of not wanting to go to school. It's a massive change for them - the days are so long. It's also a really tough one for you. If there really is a problem with a school then of course you want to change it. But moving schools isn't easy. I did it twice at primary school - once in reception and once in y5. Both times I felt like much more of an outsider than I had before.

My advice is:

1. Talk to other parents at pick up and find out how their kids are finding it. Very possibly every kid says a similar sort of thing to their parents.
2. Try and arrange some play dates for your child to help them make friends - even better, if you can come up with some sort of childcare share arrangement with other parents where you do playdates on a regular basis - loads of parents at my LO's school do this.
3. Lastly, kids pick up on how parents feel, and are very good at working out what to say to get the best reaction from you. Listen to her, find out about who she plays with (or asking who another child played with sometimes works), but don't stress about it as she will pick up on it.

is it just a certain part of the day she doesn’t like? I’m getting ‘I don’t like school, I don’t want to go’ every day but when properly trying to speak to her about it it’s actually lunch time she doesn’t like as she finds it too busy. So I’ve been able to speak to the teachers and be a bit more specific so they can support her better.

I would go and look at the other school with her and see what you think. Smaller schools work for some better than others but it may work for her. I know moving would be a worry for you but at this age the new kid is exciting for the others , they will all want to look after her and show her around etc.

I'm not sure if it's been suggested yet, but for some children struggling with separation from caregivers our school has suggested 'parallel timetables'. So the child will have their own visual timetable of the day at school, and then underneath is a visual timetable of what you are doing during the day. Then when she's missing you she can see exactly what you are doing at that time (I.e shopping, eating lunch, work etc) and what she is doing too.

OP I can only speculate based on what you said but it really sounds like you're in danger of making a mountain out of a molehill. I've seen this with a friend's kid. She removed her child and homeschooled her and went nuclear on the school literally because some other kids in her class were giving her funny looks. This has then escalated to increasingly more attention-seeking behaviour, complete lack of resilience and emotional instability from the child. Sometimes overly emotional parenting can be just as damaging as emotionally distant parenting and in the end it becomes more about the parent's emotional needs than the child's

My reception dd goes happily to school. I know that she has a couple of close friends. She occasionally tells me though that she's played with nobody because her friends kept running away from her and didn't want to play. I've witnessed first hand that it's usually entirely the opposite situation and it's her that sometimes is a little antisocial and refuses to engage with them even when they're being really friendly. I've had words with her that it's ok to want your own space but part of having friends is being there for them when they want your company not just when you want it. I've also learned not to ask so many leading questions as it does just that, it leads them to give an answer that they think you want to hear or that they think will get a certain reaction. In summary, you should absolutely pay attention to kids this age but remember that they can't half talk rubbish sometimes too.

By all means remove your child if your gut tells you it'll help but it honestly doesn't sound like there's much need to. Remember as well that by removing her you're teaching her that by using emotive language and telling you something that doesn't seem to have much substance she can get a reaction and her own way. Is this really something you want her to learn?

@User4891 I think that’s such a sensible post. I thinks it’s wise to expand friendships and this is possible in a larger school. As DC get older they expand their horizons too. It also overcomes the great difficulty if a close friend moves away. Playing after school with a range of DC can help build build friendship groups too. When dc are familiar with other dc it tends to be less daunting at school.

I have arranged a meeting with the deputy head and her teacher for Friday afternoon. I’m hoping to get somewhere with them in terms of a plan or advice. I have met with them multiple times before so I’m not that hopeful that they’ll have any more suggestions.

interestingly I spoke to one of the mums today who has a daughter in the same class and she was telling me that her daughter had the same issues settling in, she cried at drop off but the school sent her on a course and her daughter now goes in with no issues.

It was good to hear that I wasn’t alone but the mum did also say that she feels the class has a lot of boisterous boys in it and this is what has worried me with my DD. She will just let people walk all over her because she’s so timid. Even her 2 year old sister gets her own way (I have explained over and over that she must stand up for herself, modelled it etc) but to no avail.

Also, a lot of people have said that I need to be more positive, less focused on the negative and I very much am but it doesn’t seem to make a difference at all.

I am not a shy person and we’ve always been on play dates, to toddler groups etc but she’s been the same from day dot. Admittedly, I haven’t had any play dates with people from school but I’ve set a couple up next week so fingers crossed they go well 🙏

thanks again for all the replies, lots of food for thought!

Firstly I want to send you a virtual hug. It sounds like you are really struggling with this and as one mum to another I feel for you on this. I used to be a teacher and while it can take a while for children to settle It still sounds like there are some issues. I would trust your daughter over the school. I'm not saying the school is lying but they don't know your child like you do. Personally from teaching in many types of school I find smaller village schools to be much more nurturing and friendly that bigger schools. (Experience from a teacher point of view not parent as my little one is pre school age) if you are having doubts listen to them. It sounds like you both need a fresh start and a change. I hope it all works out for you. Best of luck X

@Claire1111 thank you. It’s so nice of you to send such a supportive message. It’s been so so hard. I’ve felt on the verge of a breakdown at times. There is nothing worse than seeing your sweet little girl be so upset every day for 6 months and not being able to get to the bottom of it. It’s nice to hear from someone in the profession too as I know the pressures teachers are facing and it isn’t always possible to know what’s going on with every child. I feel like I’m a burden to the school having these constant meetings and asking for extra support but I can’t shoulder the worry and watch this happening all the time. I think I will go and visit the school with her as I mentioned it to her once and she now brings it up and says she wants to go and have a look so I guess that can’t do any harm just looking.

I think it’s inevitable she will want the other school as you have sold the possibility to her. You would be wise to sit down and talk about “no more choices” after this. Or you might find you face the same situation again.

Boisterous boys are everywhere and a small school doesn’t guarantee sweet children in every class . Often bigger schools have better coping strategies. I think all teachers know Dc. Small doesn’t make a teacher less pressurised. I don’t see much point in play dates with current Dc if you move schools. You did, earlier, say your DD wasn’t that interested in other DC. So why would she prefer a different group of DC who already know each other? I think you are clutching at straws a bit. But give it a go if it makes you happier to try.

I really do understand that this must be very hard but I think it was a mistake to mention the possibility of a different school to her. It totally undermines the efforts you've made to be positive, she's old enough to realise that you obviously don't have total confidence in her current school.

I think you're really likely to have the same problems again in another school because it's a pattern of issues she has had in other settings. So it'll be the same problems but now you're driving to school as well

Have you taken her to any birthday parties fo the children in her class since she started ? If so how was her interaction with other children there ?

@TizerorFizz I understand your point of view but don’t agree, I want this decision to involve my daughter as it is her who will have to go to the school and it was suggested by the new head that she visits. I feel that in the right environment she might fair better, be nurtured more and then become more interested in making friends. It’s like if you work in a job that you hate, with people you don’t get along with, why would you make the effort. I am under no illusions that moving won’t be easy or solve the issue but as it stands, unless the meeting on Friday with the deputy and teacher leads to a miracle I can’t see it changing. We have tired all avenues. Yes she’s always been clingy and that is who she is, but I guess to me this seems like the only thing I haven’t tried. Also, with regards to dance class, she did go to that for over a year but she didn’t like it, I think a year is a good enough shot.

@whattodo1975 when we’ve been to parties she just wants to be with me. If I encourage her to join in, she doesn’t play with anyone, just on the sidelines really. Now she doesn’t even want to go to the parties she’s invited to

I think if a young child of reception age is wanting to move schools then it should at least be considered as it will be somewhat of an upheaval for her away from the familiar school and people that she has now. Like you say you wouldn't stay in a work environment that you weren't happy with so why should she?

It may not work but then at least you know that you have tried! Maybe the group of kids she is with aren't a good fit for her. Maybe the behaviour of the kids isn't great. Who knows but it surely has to be worth a go!

@User4891 but the child isn't happy? I agree there may be a possibility that the parent has been negative or overly emotional but she says that isn't the case! Like I have previously mentioned we had the exact same thing with my son. He hated school for year resulting in poor mental health. No real issues with the school as far as he said just didn't settle there. We moved him to another school and he went in without a backwards glance and has been happy as Larry for the last three year. Sometimes a school just isn't a right fit for a child.

Years not year 🙈

She’s 4. Who is the parent here? Who calls the shots when they are 4? She’s very young to be given all this choice. I get you are not happy and don’t believe it when the school says she’s ok, but where does this end? Obviously up to you but you could be making things right for her for years. Also teachers in small schools are stressed out too. They are not necessarily more nurturing as they don’t have more money or more time or more staff. They are more like cliquey clubs.

It must feel really difficult with all these different opinions. Once again I would say, go with your gut. Meet the teachers at the current school and see what they say. Does your instinct say that they may be able to help this time, now that it appears to be your very last stab at it? Could you give it a few months and see if it works?

Three of my friends have experienced this type of clinginess with their children - one in reception, and with two others it developed in later years. In all cases, the schools offered a TA who came and greeted the child and took them in so that the Mother could disappear quickly and it didn't prolong the goodbyes. In one case, the school told my friend that her daughter was absolutely fine once she got in school and there was nothing to worry about. They really didn't see a problem, but when they could see how upset my friend was, and how at the end of her tether she was, they did really step in and help. In all cases it eventually worked, although it did take time.

Perhaps be really honest with the school and say how upset you are about it and that you are thinking about moving her. If they are a good school they will really listen and step up to the plate and try and help. I'm sure you won't, but my advice would be to really try and not be accusatory with the school. Just explain that what they're doing at the moment isn't really working and can they come up with anything to help you give it one last go as it is causing you a lot of stress. I am a teacher and parent and they will respond much better if you try not to criticize them (difficult, I know.)

At the new school, again, I 'm sure your instinct will tell you if it's going to be a place that will really nurture and support your child. I looked around 2 alternative schools for my daughter. Both headteachers showed me around, and after half an hour I could tell which one seemed really interested in my child and which one didn't. I explained the dilemma I was in and the headteacher I liked said I would be really welcome to send my daughter in for a trial day so she could experience the school, meet the girls in her class and make the decision for herself (she is Year 5, so a bit different in that respect I suppose.)

Currently I haven't moved my daughter as it would mean moving house too. I wanted to move her due to some very unpleasant friends who had caused a lot of trouble for her and could be classed as bullying. I was really upset and not sleeping and was thinking about just pulling her out of the school immediately. However, after taking a step back, I realised that I was actually more upset about it than my daughter. When I thought long and hard about it, I realised that pulling her out immediately was more about my anger and was not necessarily in her best interests (she was actually getting on well with some new friends.) I could very easily have got into a big argument with the school and created a very negative exit for her. That's not to say I won't move her in future but I did just have to think long and hard about what would cause the least problems for her (I hate being an adult sometimes. i just wanted to be really petty and throw all my toys out of the pram.

Just remember you're not alone. The school will have dealt with this loads of times before (and way way more difficult things than this.) They'd have to be a really hopeless school to not try and help a really stressed out Mum who just wants her child to be happy (I'm sure that is what they want too.) Don't worry about taking their time - that's what they're there for.

@Alexa51 thank you for your response. The difference in opinions has been quite overwhelming but I’ve been glad to have some very interesting insights and experiences from others. You’re right that ultimately I have to go with my gut. Im going to wait and see what the outcome of the meeting is tomorrow and take it from there 😌

Good luck with the meeting tomorrow. I'd ask if you can do the same course as the other mum.

I'm sure it's on your mind that the school has to suit both your kids, as it won't belong before your LO starts and you can't really have two kids at different schools.

I took DD to look round her potential new school. Seeing her there, how the staff spoke to her and how we both felt during/after the visit made the decision really easy to make.

We went from every morning a battle and DD being withdrawn/grumpy/quiet on pick up to her walking into school confidently and skipping out happily every day. She now volunteers information about her day and wants to tell me about it. The change in her is immense and both of us are much happier without the grey cloud of the old school hanging over us.

I do agree with posters who say you should be cautious about changing schools but if you've given it a few months and things just aren't right then I think moving can be a very positive thing, as long as you know why you want to leave school A and are confident that school B will address most of those concerns.

I’m so pleased to read that you’ve arranged to visit the other school, a pp mentioned that their little one loved the new school from the taster day and I’m really hoping you’ll find that too. Please keep us updated, I feel emotionally invested in this thread because I know how awful it is to have to do drop offs when they don’t want to go, it’s heartbreaking, good luck with both the meeting and the taster day!