Changing my DDs school after 6 months in reception

[Toomanychoices123]

This is a long one so please bear with me!

My DD started reception in sept and from day for has cried at drop off. The school has tried various things, I’ve tried various things but nothing has worked and she just says she misses me. She also tells me that the other children are mean to her and she doesn’t feel she has any friends. The school have said she’s fine and plays with others, is shy, but is making progress etc. I feel like we are all going around in circles. They see one thing and I hear another.

I have found another, smaller school a bit further from where we live, around 15 min drive. It’s only 1 class per year and a village school as opposed to her school now that’s 2 form entry and in a built up area. I hope that she’ll settle but I’m terrified of changing her and still having the same issues. Anyone been in this situation or can offer some advice? I’ve lost so much sleep over this and cannot see the wood for the trees anymore.

Thank you, unfortunately the school had to postpone the meeting today. I was hoping to try and find some resolution today but I’ll have to wait. It’s a shame as I was thinking that if the meeting had a positive outcome, I would have felt a bit better about the school. Now I have another week of worry 😢 Also, although I haven’t heard from the new school (apart from a place offered from the local authority) I am aware that I need to make a decision fairly soon as if I’m going to move, it’s probably best to start after Easter…I think my main worry is that she’s masking her real feelings because for so long I’ve been telling her, it’s ok, you seem happy when you are collected, you have to go to school and you’ll get used to it, make friends etc, etc I have acknowledged her feelings of sadness but tried to remain upbeat. I just feel like 6 months is such a long time to be upset. Surely it takes a lot of effort to cry every morning if you’re actually ok?

also, @cracktheshutters I haven’t approached the new school yet about a taster morning as I was going to see what happened in the meeting today. I have just been there for a tour and met the head

Not really. It’s what she does. I’ve seen DC crying every morning in y1. Not much of an effort and mums crying too. It’s locked in behaviour for both. I’ve seen mums mouthing their love through the classroom windows. Never wanting to leave the school premises. I can see it’s a worry and my DD2 didn’t like separation from birth until nearly 4. I have been there. And she cried for hours. Hours, even with my DM. However I had to have some life of my own. So you toughen up. Or you still wave and mouth soothing words through the classroom window when dc is 6 or even older.

We did change nursery to try and get some respite. It was a lot better. No idea why really. Staff ratios were the same. Learning and play was the same. The second nursery was attached to a school and had a uniform. She seemed to like that. However it’s by no means a given that a new setting will be better. Good luck though.

I was where you are 4/5 years ago. My son started in a school in nursery cried everyday. We had the same in reception he had no friends didnt get invited to a single party. I would like to add he was the most polite kind hearted kid and it would break my heart watching him go up to groups of kids in his class and ask if he could play with them and them say no and run off. Party invites were handed out to everyone in the class and he would never get one. By mid way through reception i had had enough and we researched and found a lovely village school there was only 70 kids in the entire school. He started the september of year 1. Within a week of starting the new school he was a different child. One of my core memories is seeing his beaming face run out with a birthday invitation for the first time he was so excited. He is now getting ready to leave this school and has a big group of friends and honestly loves the school and to be honest so do i. The biggest regret i have is that i didnt move him earlier. Early years is supposed to be fun and inspiring not distressing. Only you know what is best and trust your instinct.

My DD 1 didn’t get party invites in y5. It happens. Kids are not always nicer in village schools. It’s mainly because parents know each other and they don’t know you. We were outliers and DD paid the price.

Dc used to go to a nursery and had to drag him in crying. When picking him up he was still not happy (once I picked him up early and he was still sitting on his own crying)
For unrelated reasons I took him to a playground. First morning he stood at the door, just ran in and never looked back.
Completely different child.

Playgroup, not playground...

DS was very unhappy at his reception. We had moved house around the same time he started and we’re very close to our original first choice school. It was so distressing to see him suffering at his school and I did wonder if it was just him rather than the school - he’s always been very sensitive. We gave it around 7-8 months for various reasons before getting on the waiting list for our first choice and he got a place for the following academic year. He went from a strict and disorganised school to a kind nurturing school and we’ve never looked back. It’s been brilliant and he settled in quickly and has thrived in every way possible. For you the longer journey is a consideration but if it’s manageable I would probably go for it.

I’ve just seen some of your other posts. DS is also summer born and we held him back a year so he started Reception aged 5 and it was still awful! It’s not just about age, I was shocked by just how different schools can be.

When is YR ever strict though? If anything too many are chaotic which other dc don’t like. They should be purposeful with engaged children. All schools I know are like this. Village and bigger schools. There should be some obvious order and children engaged in tasks. It should be structured and exciting for the Dc. YR teachers are often brilliant at this and I’ve never seen strict in YR. Other than they do have to listen to the teacher at times and sit to listen to a story. However that’s reasonable learning!

@DIYamateur What was strict in YR? I’m interested to know. I understand disorganised!

@DIYamateur when you say your DC was suffering at school, how did that manifest itself? Just interested to know the signs they gave you to make you think a move was a good choice

@Toomanychoices123
You said your DD cried at dance and swimming. How did you make the decision to pull her out? School will always be different because it’s compulsory. You have said she doesn’t acknowledge other DC. So she’s almost self isolating. I’m still at a loss to know what you can do other then try another school but the school where I saw most crying children was a tiny private school where DD went after nursery. Classes of 16. So does size make much difference? A class of 25/30 in a state school will be pretty similar. When was school ofsted done? Was it recent?

@TizerorFizz we decided to take her out of dance after a year and swimming after 6 months and both for the reason that she was very distressed. We take her swimming instead now. I have talked to my OH and we’ve agreed that the smaller school probably isn’t the best option as we feel that if it didn’t work out we’d be stuck further away for pretty much her whole school years as they have a different system of primary, middle and upper school to our area. We are going to look at other schools in the area and see if any have spaces. I feel like she’s not happy and I know deep down that she’s just putting up with it. I also don’t feel overly attached to the school that she’s at now as although they were supportive to begin with, now I just feel like it’s accepted that she just cries everyday and there is nothing more we can do and I refuse to accept that someone who is happy would cry every day

I do actually think a few minutes of crying isn’t the same as continual crying all day. The school has not said she’s doing this. You might just have a child who isn’t enthusiastic about school but gets on with it after you leave. The crying children at the start of the day I’ve seen were welcomed and given some comfort but then settled down once any idea of being with mummy disappeared. My own dd did this. The teachers include them but don’t force them. Some Dc are never enthusiastic or obviously delighted about school. Do have a look round others but do not expect miracles.

I think the issue is that the school see it as just a drop off issue which they have provided a reasonable level of support for.

You think it's more than that and your DD is fundamentally unhappy there.

No one other than your DD can really say for sure who is right but it's a problem that the trust between you and the school had broken down.

What does your DH think?

They had a good/bad points system which seemed quite harsh for reception level. DS didn’t settle at all and would cry/cling onto us when being dropped off. The positive behaviour reinforcement was v lacking, it was more of a negative reinforcement. DS was getting bad points and his behaviour spiralled. There were a few incidents where he hurt other children (pushing, kicking etc) which was mortifying and incredibly upsetting for all of us including him. They had a system where if you didn’t listen to the teacher’s instructions you had two warnings and then you’d have to have lunch with the headteacher as a punishment. For a painfully shy reception age child I expect this was terrifying for him.

His teacher was newly qualified and I think she was overly strict due to inexperience. There was some attempt to support him and focus on positive reinforcement which did help. I wasn’t sure to what extent it was him rather than the school. I don’t want to go into specifics of the impact on him but he developed an odd habit which our paediatrician friend said was to self-comfort. He could also see our anguish after the times he hurt the other children and was clearly very upset about it all too. He’d previously been full-time at a childminders which was run like a mini-nursery with other children and they were very happy with his behaviour, no issues at all, he was settled and happy.

Despite the improvement following the active positive reinforcement, by this point we were just over it. We put him on the wait list for his current school and he got a place quickly, went in for an intro to the school which went off without a hitch (despite his shyness/difficulty in new settings) and then started in year one. He settled in easily there and has been a golden child ever since - no behavioural issues at all and instead lots of praise/certificates for different aspects of good behaviour. This school clearly focusses on positive reinforcement for all children and it’s so wonderful to see it in action daily. A really happy school, we are so lucky.

There’s nothing worse than seeing your child unhappy. Even thinking back to that time is upsetting.

@DIYamateur
You experienced an extremely poor behaviour policy for YR. Some schools are just poor. No school should wield sanctions in YR. Also NQTs should be monitored . So poor all round.

In all honesty I’m glad now that it was so bad that we pulled him out. If it was so-so it would be easier to think it’s our child and drift along without taking the active step of leaving.

Also thank you @TizerorFizz, your feedback is validating all these years later. We didn’t want to be overly precious parents making life hard for schools and teachers, kicking up a fuss etc and as first time parents it can be really hard to know when it’s you and when it’s them

@DIYamateur
Its such a tightrope walk, isn’t it? I think if you look at most school behaviour policies you will see they strongly reinforce the positive. Very few would issue sanctions in YR. Obviously as DC get older, sanctions come in but YR is different. God knows why some schools cannot have a balanced approach.

I know this is slightly old now but I wanted to update everyone who was kind enough to reply to me. I didn’t change schools in the end. I had a meeting with the school and suggested getting my DD assessed for ASD but they said they didn’t see any issues. She still is very nervous going to school but I have been taking her to see a counsellor, which seemed to help her gain a little confidence, enough to start going through the main gate in the playground in the mornings. We are obviously now in the middle of the school holidays. She says she’s looking forward to year one and I am hoping that it will be a slightly easier transition but I guess I’ll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. I just wanted to reach out and thank everyone again who commented. You saw me through a very difficult time.

Thanks for updating. Did you ask your GP for a referral for assessment?

Its hard , some children just dont like school .

I have 2 DC.

One has loved the social side of school , the other just found it overwhelming and noisy and only as he progressed towards Yr 5 and the classrooms were quieter could he cope better.

Im a mental health professional and am very confident there is no ASD or anything underlying - he just doesnt like it .

My one DC suffered with the lockdowns and being away from school ... my other child loved lockdown and being away from school.

As he has got older he has learned to cope with it , has a small bunch of lovely friends and is doing really well academically , but the school system just hasnt been for him.

We hsve made sure that home is his haven and been mindful to avoid putting any type of pressure on him related to school.

We also made sure he had opportunities outside of school to develop other skills, build his confidence snd interact with other children .

If you think your DD may be highly sensitive have a read around some of the literature on the highly sensitive child.

I found it really helpful to understand my sons needs without pathologising him .

Dont underestimate the sense of safety you are giving your DD , you are clearly a really loving mum .

@Toomanychoices123 New term, new start. New teacher? This might be a turning point. Are you able to arrange Dc to come and play after school? This cements friendships and is often helpful.

Never trust a teacher - they can not diagnose. They shouldn't come out with statements like that.

If you believe your child is ASD - get it checked out yourself / with a dr takes ages private / nhs. Ignore the teacher.

5 teachers didn't believe me 😂 as children learn to mask to fit in with people - so the teachers don't know what they are looking for....

It's all about the environment and the teacher/ people. Hope you get a lovely non shouty teacher this yr it can make a BIG difference.

Good luck