Changing my DDs school after 6 months in reception

[Toomanychoices123]

This is a long one so please bear with me!

My DD started reception in sept and from day for has cried at drop off. The school has tried various things, I’ve tried various things but nothing has worked and she just says she misses me. She also tells me that the other children are mean to her and she doesn’t feel she has any friends. The school have said she’s fine and plays with others, is shy, but is making progress etc. I feel like we are all going around in circles. They see one thing and I hear another.

I have found another, smaller school a bit further from where we live, around 15 min drive. It’s only 1 class per year and a village school as opposed to her school now that’s 2 form entry and in a built up area. I hope that she’ll settle but I’m terrified of changing her and still having the same issues. Anyone been in this situation or can offer some advice? I’ve lost so much sleep over this and cannot see the wood for the trees anymore.

Just to add my two-happorth. My youngest has always been quite quiet, shy, disliked change etc and was very happy in his nursery classes. When he moved up to reception, he quickly became very unhappy and I had all the awful crying at drop-offs and so on. His behaviour deteriorated at home too, with some really worrying stuff like chewing through cables. The school insisted that there was nothing wrong, but he was clearly very distressed. I got to the end of my tether and took him to another school for a taster day and he came out like a different child - dragged me back in to show me everything and couldn't stop talking about it all. He never went back to the old school and we never looked back.
I subsequently discovered that there were various inappropriate relationships going on between adults at the school (including his form teacher), so they did not have their eyes properly on the ball. He was also able to tell me about some instances of bullying that he had not been able to articulate clearly at the time.
All three of my children moved junior schools twice at various points because we were moving around the country at the time. It was never a problem with them settling in to new schools - we just emphasised all the fun new things and they settled very quickly. If you have the chance to move your son, just do it. Chances are he will be happier.

Four years ago this small person was a babe in arms - why should we expect her to have developed the ability to "grin and bear it" in a situation she hates in that time? Why are people so afraid of "giving in" to a child's genuine needs, and thinking that they will go through their entire lives being unable to face challenges. That is catastrophising. She is 4! - if she was in mainland Europe she would not be anywhere near a school yet.

Respond to her needs; gently nudge her towards school, which must seem like a bear pit to her. We are so hard on our little ones and seem to want them to grow up so fast.

I think if I were you, OP, I would move her but also use the strategies pps have listed her about reframing her experience etc.

I struggled in reception - I still remember how upset I was being dropped off each day. It wouldn't have made a difference to me which school it was, I just didn't want to be there. My mum gave me some strategies (that I still use now at nearly 50!) to get through my day - things that worked for me were around the time and counting - but I was never very settled, even though I had friends and got through the day seemingly happily. I found it easier once the 'real work' started and I could just get on by myself. Not much help I know, but for me I kind of just had to accept I had to be there and get through it until home time.

The more you post, the more it becomes clear that this isn't just about the school. Your DD clearly has difficulties being away from you generally. The struggles with things like gymnastics and swimming are particularly troubling because those are small group activities, especially swimming.

I think you need better support with this but it needs to be a holistic approach, school alone can't fix it. Do you have a children's centre near you? Ours has a great team of people you can speak to about developmental issues and they can refer you to other services if you need. Or health visitor perhaps? (Ours aren't great but yours might be better)

Schools usually do notice if a child cries all day on and off. She’s ok at home time.

If I’m honest, I think she’s worked out how to pull your strings and keeps doing it. You remove her from the situation and she gets to be with you. So swimming, dance, school nativity and now school itself. I tend to think you are running out of options and you maybe do need to be assured she’s ok by seeing her in school but not being visible. I had an older dd and did this. As others said, it was really about not getting her own way 100%. The art of compromise had to be learnt! Ditto I suspect for your DD.

I was aware teachers have seen and heard all this before. DD2 was awful at separation at nursery. At school, she got on with it. You might find that in y1. So talk to school about viewing her in secret and don’t expect another school to be better. In fact more teachers means more expertise. Hang on in there!

Hi ,my 3rd child was like this ,she went to the pre school attached for 3-4 mornings and liked it but despite having friends and no apparent problems never really liked primary that much .
She too always said she missed me and we had many tears over the years there , she is in year 10 now ,popular ,easygoing, no apparent problems but would prefer not to go to school full stop .
She is arty and always has some craft or art on the go and she would rather be at home doing that .
I know how you feel , it was draining .
I wouldn't bank on your child settling into another school , i don't think it would have made a scrap of difference to my child , and i think if i were you i would aim for whats logistically easier and stay at the same school.
The likelihood is that as she gets older she will get more settled and resigned to the fact that she has to go every day .
Is there a chance of a couple of days trial at the other school just to ease your mind ?

We are quite happy to accept that children develop at different rates as far as growth, reading, hand/eye coordination and any manner of other things, but the idea that some children develop the ability to be farmed out at different rates seems not to be accepted.

The idea seems to be that these very small people are trying to pull their parents' strings. Could it not simply be that they cannot cope with it?

If DD is in reception, can you not ask to look at her learning journey to see what her social
interaction is like.

I also get the vibe (though) I may be wrong that you don’t trust the adults in what they are saying.

does DD volunteer the info about friends/kids being mean, or are you putting words in her mouth. Not criticising, just genuinely intrigued.

It’s by no means clear DD cannot cope. The school says she is coping. If she’s not coping, then what use is changing school? None at all as separation is still required.

My DDs would never have referred to another child as being mean. That sounds like a learnt word without any real description. So possibly not true or a minor issue. That’s why the school should offer viewing of play for op.

Apologies if I've missed this OP but have you said what month her birthday is? I feel from your description it's very likely that she is a summer born child. If that's the case, it might be too late now logistically because the reception applications closed in January as you will know, but one potential option could be taking her out and starting reception again in the autumn when she is older and more ready to deal with it. Your DD sounds A LOT like mine who is 4.5 and still goes to preschool where she is very happy and settled. My DD is summer born and she will start reception this coming September instead of this past September when she absolutely wasn't ready.

@WeightoftheWorld yes she is an summer born child and I wish more than anything now that I’d waited as she was very shot in Pre school but I just followed the crowd a bit. @TizerorFizz thats interesting as today she mentioned she wasn’t friends with a girl who called out to her after school today. She wouldn’t wave back because the girl ‘wasn’t her friend’ and I said that perhaps she wants to be her friend and that’s why she’s waving? My DD replied that she keeps bothering her at school, bothering her meaning that she just wants to talk to my DD…so that was quite eye opening. My DD isn’t really interested in other children so much. She knows she should have friends as we have talked about it and she’s read lots of stories about it etc but she really isn’t all that interested in making friends. Even when I’ve seen children come up to her in the park or at dance class, she really just ignores them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Op that is making me think ASD, wanting friends but not knowing how to make friends.

The more you say the less I think moving school is going to help, if anything it could be worse, new place, different people.

I think you have to speak with school, properly ask for a meeting, and see what strategies they have. They'll have seen many children with ASD before all with different needs. They should also be able to access additional support for her.

@Sugarfree23 i have had various meetings with the school and I flagged ASD but they observed her and didn’t seem to think she has an issue. I’ve always thought there is something different about her but can’t put my finger on it. Another example is complete lack of emotional empathy. If anyone hurts themselves she actively ignores it. I’ve only noticed it was an issue as her 2 year old sister shows more empathy when someone is hurt than my DD. We have talked about how you might show that you are feeling sorry for someone who has hurt themselves and now she will come over and ask straight away but it’s very much a learned response. I also worry with the way she won’t acknowledge other children when they are trying to be friendly, that eventually they will give up trying as she’s so cold to them. Then she really will be alone 😔

@Toomanychoices123
I think she’s quite complex. Absolutely no knowledge of this so I’m not offering advice regarding SEN. Other than stay put. The other child was trying to be friendly . She was actually a silver lining. A glimpse of what school life could be. Your DD has a long list of reasons not to have friends doesn’t she!? Just keep working on it.

I know it broke my heart that my daughter wouldn’t wave back. I have never been able to figure her out, even from day dot she’s always been a bit different to her peers but I feel as she’s growing up and going into the world of school some differences in her personality are becoming more apparent

Having read the entire thread, I think some more SEN support plus an ASD assessment would be helpful for your daughter.

One of our children developed selective mutism as a nursery that is well liked in our area. I swapped her to a different nursery and she was loved it and chatted to them from day one. It’s left it’s mark and I really wished I had changed nursery sooner.

My niece has struggled with transition her whole life. At the start of childcare, primary school, even secondary school she has cried and been unhappy for at least a year. My mum said my brother was the same - he cried every day for a year when he started school. Unfortunately he had to move schools due to relocation so after crying for a year at a large school he then moved to a small school and cried for a year there!

Some kids struggle to adjust and I think changing schools might be a mistake. A small school could be a disaster, I know so many people who thought their child had to be in a small school so they could be ‘known’ and ended up having to change schools due to cliques or limited opportunities.

I would honestly say, go with your instinct. Does your instinct tell you that the teachers are not great and it is not a great bunch of children, or do you think that you are perhaps struggling with dropping your daughter at school, trying to arrange playdates etc. As Mums I think we underestimate how difficult it is for us, and that also our relationships with other parents/the school etc can have an effect on our children without us meaning to. I would only be wary of going to another school as if the same issues raise themselves again then it could possibly end up making you feel more unhappy. My advice would be to go into school again, really talk through how you could all make it work, and then try and put a few things in place to make it happen, and see if it makes a difference. I would really give it some time and then reassess in 6 months. I say this only as someone who rushes into things like this, only to find that the same situation occurs and then I find myself with a worse problem. I totally understand why you want to quit, but you can sometimes find that the grass is not greener. Good luck and I hope it works out for you. Issues at school and with your kids are very stressful but school can usually help to ease things.

I'd move her.

I went through something similar with my son and I massively regret persevering with a situation that didn't suit him or us.

Go with your gut.

She sounds like the kind of child that will thrive in a smaller and more supportive environment. She's also built up negative associations with this current school and is in a bad pattern in relation to starting her day there.

A move is a fresh start, she'll be a little older and that will help her.

This sounds really tough. Just a small idea to help encourage her to form friendships - how much do you interact with your friends at home? It sounds crazy but maybe by modelling the behaviour of investing in friends / nurturing friendships, that might help.

And then set up several play dates, to keep encouraging friendships to form but from the safety of her own home

Finally why not re introduce a new hobby / dance classes etc. Which you can attend, so she has the safety net of you being present, but she's challenged to stay and commit to it. And challenged to form friendships with children she won't know.

It might help her develop confidence?

Sorry- forgot to add, it sounds like she finds a bigger school overwhelming so maybe it's not the right environment

However, irrespective of whether you choose to move her or not, it might really help prepare her for a new school by spending a month or two really focusing on confidence building when out of her comfort zone

Op very simple thing that you can do to help her is play lots of board games and role play together.

The assessment process for ASD via the NHS is long 2-4 years depending on area. (See thread running in AIBU). So get the ball rolling. Go to your GP and ask for a referral. She might not be but it's certainly worth getting her properly assessed.

Sometimes that’s actually worse for them (if they’re coming through the office after all their classmates have arrived, that is) It singles them out and is often more daunting, they get taken to the classroom and are then more “on show” to the other children who are already settled and may turn round to look at her coming in the room.

if this is the case It might be better if you try to get her there early so only one or two other children are there and she can “help” the teacher welcome the rest of the children in.

Sometimes it’s just the transitions which are difficult. If she is already there as the classroom hubbub slowly builds each morning she can get used to it slowly. Rather than arrive at the classroom/coat pegs where it can be a bit frantic till the register is done.