My parents won't see me or my children until there is a vaccine

[Whatsthis1515]

My parents , who have terrible health anxiety at the best of times, have said they won't see us until there is a vaccine. They are in their late 50s. Generally good health.

They keep calling themselves vulnerable and when I've expressed my excitement to see them when we are allowed to, I've been told they won't until there is a vaccine. I mentioned maybe me bringing the kids into the garden and seeing them from a distance - I was told no because the children will be too tempted to come close.

I keep seeing other people saying their parents are not taking lockdown seriously. Mine are taking it to the extreme and are believing the dailymail headlines.

I feel devastated that they've told me this. Is anyone else in the same boat?

Ps. It is particularly driven by my Mum, who said to my Dad 'do you want to kill me?' when he suggested going to buy a newspaper last week.

That's really sad, OP. They sound similar to my in laws, who to be fair do have health issues but they aren't bad enough to need shielding. However, they are acting like they are elderly when they aren't. I have no advise I'm afraid, just wishing you the best

Do they actual have any risk factors? Is your mum getting treatment for her previous health anxiety?

Late 50’s, what like past 55.. 57/58 ish?

My oh is about that and we’re fanatically fit and active.

If I were you I’d leave them to it. Let them cut their silly noses off to spite their ridiculous faces.

Go and see friends and other family and they will get over themselves eventually

I’d distance myself for the melodramatic “do you want to kill us comment alone” what twats! You must be so ashamed of them!

Late 50s? That's ridiculous.

Unfortunately there's been so much scaremongering some people are beside themselves.

Once lockdown ends of course we'll all want to be very careful and considerate but there needs to be a balance. Hopefully she'll realise that.

Yes 58 and 59. My mum has very mild asthma.

Honestly I despair.

My mum denies she has anything wrong with her mental health, despite not seeing us for a month before her holidays incase any of us have a cold.

Well it's their decision of course. I think as time passes, life returns to normal-ish, the dm headlines turn to other subjects and it becomes clear a vaccine is years away (if possible at all) they will probably change their minds.

Late 50’s? With no underlying health issues it is ludicrous for them to say they are particularly vulnerable. Have they read the official guidelines?
I have the opposite problem with my MIL, in her 80’s saying she is fit and healthy; she is, but she is also 80 fgs.
Your parents need to get some prospective and it sounds like treating the health anxiety will be needed to achieve this.

She sounds very self absorbed, is she self obsessed in other areas of her life?

@CrazyTimesAreOccurring
Short answer, yes. Incredibly so.

My Mum has also taken lockdown very, very seriously. She's mid sixties, no health issues, lives alone but has a long term partner.

She only goes into her back garden. She has online deliveries which I think she tries to wipe over first. I spoke to her a few weeks ago and she said she doesn't even touch the post for a few days, just leaves it on the floor

I respect her decision and have just left her to get on with it. She's made her decision and so be it

That sort of person likes making this sort of shit all about them, so you begging to see her and being upset is playing right into her hands.

So dont mention it again, and when she does (as she will "oh its such a shame we wont be able to see you isnt it?" to try and rile you up) you simply say "Well yes, but I understand why. Its ok, we've already arrange a garden party with X and Y for when its over" If you have in laws, mention planning to see them too (or better still, must that you might go away with them for a few days). And say that needs must due to her health and you'll see them after vaccination "Hopefully it wont be 18 months or whatever they are saying!"

just make sure you agree with EVERYTHING she says about why she cant see you, then there is no way you can be accused or being unreasonable. I mean she will, but at least you can call her on it!

I’m with what pyong said.

I do think that whilst we all need to be sensible, the media scaremongering will have a lasting effect on some.

My dad is 51 and classing himself as 'high risk' due to being a male over 50. He's practically shielding, even from my mum and brother for no apparent reason 🙄 He's also said that if travel restrictions lift, they might drive down with the rest of my clothes, but will leave my case outside and not see me. See you in... 2025 then?

I’m really sorry OP

My mum is 82

She went from being realistic that she might die and wanting to see me, to full on panic about death and believing covid lurks round every corner.

If she wants to die alone, what can I do? I’m really sorry you’re in this position

Some of the comments are very unkind if they are dealing with legimiate health anxiety. It is not rational. When things calm down they will probably ease up on the paranoia. Try and be understanding in the meanwhile. Being in their 50s does make them somewhat higher risk anyway.

@esjee

The OP has already said that the mother is self obsessed. She is in her 50s with a very mild condition. She is at no more risk than I am at a similar age unless she has other lifestyle related issues such as being obese or smoking.

The OP sounds sensible and isnt kicking off that her mother said no and talking about forcing the issue, just being disappointed.

I have a son with severe health anxiety, I have a couple of friends with it. The one symptom that none of them have is making sure everyone knows about it.

If they are in their late 50s are neither of them working? What do they think is going to happen when lockdown lifts - that people over 50 can just stay at home?

I think some over 50s are at risk to some degree, if you see the graph, anyone in that bracket and upwards is certainly not low risk. Especially those heading towards sixty and with some health issues (asthma)

I would assume your parents are really terrified by what they have seen on the news, and have made a decision to keep themselves safe. I don't actually think it is unreasonable, and it is their choice.

There is nothing wrong with feeling disappointed, but I don't think you can be hurt by their decision, I would respect their feelings and make time to keep in touch by phone.

Your wish to see them does not trump their need to be safe. Perhaps it will be after the vaccine, maybe before, I would be supportive whatever the outcome and show kindness. It could be that your parents are one of the unlucky ones, and so maybe it is better they do what is right for them.

Well they have started to say that it looks like some people can actually contract corona more than once and not gain an immunity.

If thats the case then what would that mean for a vaccine.. Cant have a vaccine that doesnt give immunity unfortunately also even if you dont actually get it because of immunity it can still be passed on through you

I don’t think you should do what pyong has said. It’s petty and actually pretty shity

I'm late 60s and can't wait to hug my children and grandchildren - my life would be empty if that didn't happen so I'm sorry your parents feel the way they do.

@TheGirlWithAPrince no one is saying that. There’s just not enough research to know for sure either way. Those retesting with the virus are highly likely not to be reinfected. More likely they just shed virus for a long time. After seven days it’s highly unlikely the virus is live, the test doesn’t tell you whether the person is shedding live or inactive virus particles. Experts in the field think immunity will result and last a similar period to other known Coronaviruses. This is 1-2 years. The virus is mutating more slowly than flu so isn’t likely to change enough that the body won’t recognise it within the 1-2 yr timeframe. The WHO are being super careful as nothing is yet proven and lack of testing means people may think they’ve had it and change behaviour if they believe they are immune.

That’s very disappointing. It’s very hurtful to parents when grandparents choose not to see grandchildren. My father would move in with us if it was practical, he loves our children so much. My in laws spend most of their time overseas because Britain is a bit chilly apparently. I struggle to understand it and I feel sad for both them and my children on the lovely close relationship they’ve missed out on. It is what it is though and you just have to let it go.