My parents won't see me or my children until there is a vaccine

[Whatsthis1515]

My parents , who have terrible health anxiety at the best of times, have said they won't see us until there is a vaccine. They are in their late 50s. Generally good health.

They keep calling themselves vulnerable and when I've expressed my excitement to see them when we are allowed to, I've been told they won't until there is a vaccine. I mentioned maybe me bringing the kids into the garden and seeing them from a distance - I was told no because the children will be too tempted to come close.

I keep seeing other people saying their parents are not taking lockdown seriously. Mine are taking it to the extreme and are believing the dailymail headlines.

I feel devastated that they've told me this. Is anyone else in the same boat?

You should really read another newspaper. The headlines are quite bad there too.

Scientists today say the death rate for viruses patients admitted to hospital is comparable to ebola. That isn't something the DM made up, it's in every paper.

Perhaps your mum knows she could not mentally cope with being severely ill and she would like to do everything she can to avoid it be waiting at home for a period of time. That's a valid choice.

Some of the posts here are appalling. I can see that choosing to self isolate will soon attract as much MN vitriol as being trans.

My mum has just died at 51 from the virus. It happens, the statistics show it does. The virus does not discriminate.

Why don't you respect that she is feeling vulnerable and take your feelings out of it? Maybe help with alternative visits, like FaceTime or video call for you and the children.

Everyone is dealing with this awful time, on the best way they know how to.

I actually think you’re being quite selfish.

Your mum is in the vulnerable group.

And while they’re not 70, death rates rise steeply for the over 40.

If your mum in particular caught the virus then odds are she wouldn’t have a particular nice time of it.

They have every right to want to stay at home until there’s a vaccine. So so many others.

So do

I know of someone around the same age with mild asthma. They have had the virus and after a few weeks is still recovering in that it has left them feeling exhausted and still with a cough. Don't be too harsh on them OP. They're frightened and rightly so. It's not worth them putti g themselves at risk. If more people had taken their approach then less people would have been affected. It's being said that over 50s are at risk. Support them on this. Yes it's sad that you and your dcs can't see them but this too will pass. Just be thankful they are both well. Stay safe.

*So dont mention it again, and when she does (as she will "oh its such a shame we wont be able to see you isnt it?" to try and rile you up) you simply say "Well yes, but I understand why. Its ok, we've already arrange a garden party with X and Y for when its over" If you have in laws, mention planning to see them too (or better still, must that you might go away with them for a few days). And say that needs must due to her health and you'll see them after vaccination "Hopefully it wont be 18 months or whatever they are saying!"

just make sure you agree with EVERYTHING she says about why she cant see you, then there is no way you can be accused or being unreasonable. I mean she will, but at least you can call her on it*

This is the best strategy. It sounds like some kind of passive aggressive manipulative play for attention and sympathy to me. Dont play the game. Agree with her and carry on with your life as normal. My guess is once they see the in laws around, they'll change their minds.

My dad is a porter for the NHS and he has said the exact same thing. Befote all this started for years my dad cleans everything before he touches it, he is very paranoid about germs.

He has said he wont see us until their is a vaccine. I havnt argued with him about it because i know the way he thinks, he is genuinelly worried he could potentially pass it onto me and the kids

In hoping when lockdown is lifted and me and the kids start spending time with people again/ going back to school and nursery that he changed his mind

Your mum’s asthma means she has to be particularly stringent with social distancing. Ideally, so too will the people she lives with. I am not surprised she wants to stay home until there is a vaccine.

I don’t understand why people are so personally offended by other people’s decisions surrounding their health. Even if you think they’re being ridiculous, it’s their business.

I’m perfectly healthy, I have no choice but to effectively isolate with my very vulnerable husband until there is a vaccine or effective treatment. Sorry if any family or friends don’t like it (I dob’t either) but there we are.

Incidentally, my daughter’s asthma nurse gave me what for when I referred to her asthma as “mild” She said there’s no such thing, just controlled or not controlled. You either have it or you don’t. You can be asymptomatic for 10/20 years then encounter an hitherto unknown trigger, suffer a severe reaction and die. It happens. So your mother’s fears aren’t entirely unfounded.

I would just hmm hmm along with it and try not to get invested in this conversation. If they are indoors watching the news 24/7 but are not scientists or able to put the information into context, they are probably whipping themselves into a terrified frenzy.

My in laws live their life based on the DM. Once the headlines change to other things, and the whole topic is less at the forefront of the scaremongering, they’ll probably move on a bit.

I understand. I'm worried my DC won't see my dad again.

My dad is 76 and his wife is 60.
She is worried about catching the virus, not for him, but for herself, so they don't leave the house at all.

Dad is very healthy and wants to go walking - he lives for walking. He's not allowed to and she cries if he even suggests it.

We can't even drive over and stand at the end of the drive because she doesn't talk to me, my brother or her own children.

OP would be happy just meeting her dad at a distance or talking from the top of the drive from what I can gather. She's not asking for full on hugs.

My mum is the same. I agree with her. I'd rather not see her for 6 months than not see her for the rest of my life.

How will they manage until a vaccine? Don't either of them work?

Have you actually understood the advice being given by the government, scientists and health professionals are saying?
This is not scare mongering by a certain section, but advice being given every sector.
I wonder why people think they know better then those in the frontline who deal and understand the virus and the implications
And its not just about dying, its about getting ill and the NHS not having the capacity to deal with it.
Its in the news everyday, what do people not understand.
I am shocked by the level of ignorance on here, although I assume if they do get sick it will be someone else fault if they did die.
This is a dangerous time for us all, we need to act accordingly and behavior in a way that is in the best interests of society in general and not in your own needs.
If it was about your well being or health or your kids, your parents would make any sacrifice to make sure you were well, but for you it seems that your needs to trump all.
There are all sorts of communication methods to talk and see them (which I assume you do to get this information). You are not a victim in this but your selfish behaviour will make other ppl become that

It definitely sounds like she has some health anxiety and fear about this. However, it may be that as time goes by and the public health messaging changes - as it will have to do when the government adjusts and relaxes the measures in place - that she will change her view on this. Perhaps let it drop for now, it does sound like she is frightened, and reopen the conversation once measures have been relaxed for a little while. She may change her view on this: let's face it, only a few months ago, the way that we are currently all having to live our lives would have seemed like bad science fiction. It's difficult to know what the future holds or how people will change their view on things. In the meantime, please don't be too hard on her.

Cheese the government advice is not " Stay on lockdown until you've had a cv vaccine." Op is not suggesting seeing her parents during the current restrictions.

Op I think you are being very selfish You are very lucky to be in a position to feel like you aren’t at a high risk.

Considering we really don’t know what we are dealing with, young people with no underlying conditions dying etc It is up to us as individuals to decide what is best for us.

I actually pulled my kids out of school a week before they closed, some people may not agree with me. But I did what I thought was best for my family with the information I had at the time and I don’t regret it. What I would regret is if anything had happened to them because I was going on what others were saying and doing. It was my choice to make and no one else’s.

What gives you the right to decide if your parents should risk their health? Just because you think they are overly anxious? Or because you are excited to see them again?

Stop being so self centred and respect their choices What you want isn’t worth them risking their health just to make you happy

Have you actually understood the advice being given by the government, scientists and health professionals are saying

OP sounds like she understands it perfectly.

Please link me to government advice which categorically states "you should not see any family members until a vaccine is found'.

Firstly, we dont know when that will be. Even if we get one, it will take months to get around to everyone. That means it could take 18months- 2 years to get and maybe longer to vaccinate enough people for the risk to go down to acceptable levels. Are you suggesting people dont see their families for 2+ years? Because from threads on here, people wont accept that. least of all grandparents who WANT to see their grandchildren. Good luck suggesting that to people because they wont have it!

my family are similar, wont see us or the children if we have a hint of a sniffle and wont let us visit or see them until vaccine. we drove two hours to visit and they wouldnt even come to the door once when we had recently had a bug (we were better) but they were going on holiday that week.

This is sad but it's almost certainly MH issue rather than personal one. My parents are the same, the only difference being they do want to see their grandchild but everything else is off limits. They're also trying to control everything I do with multiple daily messages telling me not to go to restaurants, non-essential shops, disinfect everything, wear gloves & masks, avoid my friends, our other in-laws etc.

As someone who suffered severe emetophobia for over a decade (caused by my parents constant catastrophising, warning and controlling as a child), any behaviour driven by fear & anxiety completely overrides normal social expectations. Emetophobes will run away from their families if someone norovirus and some have even tried to jump out of moving cars if another passenger says they're feeling travel sick.

Coronavirus seems to have triggered a very similar phobia in many previously unaffected people. They actually behave extremely similar to emetophobes especially in terms of hygiene, social distancing etc. (Norovirus is not deadly but most emetophobes fear being sick on the same level as dying so catching the virus generates the same fear of death that people would have with covid9).

Sadly there's no real solution unless the sufferers seek MH support and want to get better. In the current time frame, it's more likely that a vaccine will arrive before the expense and effort of getting therapy.

It sounds like your parents are taking all the advice about staying safe seriously. I applaud them for that. Maybe waiting until the vaccine is a bit extreme, but when everything returns to some sort of normality, and people start going about their everyday lives without the fear of the bogeyman around every corner, they may relax their views a bit.

In the mean time, can you FaceTime them or get a portal device so you can still see and interact with them, or set up up zoom meetings. There’s a lot of ways in this situation that you can still interact with social distancing relatives.

People do realise that the current flu vaccine doesn't prevent flu (of the types targeted by the vaccine) in everyone? A covid-19 vaccine won't fix it for everyone; we are going to have to learn to live with it.

We will have to take things slowly, we are going to have to follow advice but we are going to have to get out there again because we are all going to have to earn a living and live our lives.

And I'm in my late 60s. I am not going to stay shut away for the rest of my life 'just in case'.

Scientists today say the death rate for viruses patients admitted to hospital is comparable to ebola

A fraction of people who get covid are admitted to hospital in the UK. If your admission criteria is not till you're blue, then yes your outcome won't be great! In reality the data coming in from the more accurate antibody tests is showing that the fatality rate is around 0.3 overall (will obviously be less or more than that for an individual depending on age and other factors), it's just really really contagious.

Comparing it to ebola is total scare-mongering.

I've done huge amounts to reassure them but they are always fixated on the dailymail headlines.

You need to understand they are only in their late 50's, this means they are perfectly capable of making their own decisions based on the facts they have access to and their own approach to risk. These decisions may be different from what you want, but doesn't mean they are wrong and you are right. To suggest you are right and are disappointed in the decision they believe is right for their health is very dismissive of your parents opinions.

@fezzesarecool

I have type 1 diabetes and asthma. I am not lucky. But I am stoical and understand that at the age of 29, I am going to have to live with this virus until there is a vaccine as I have a mortgage to pay and children to feed. I am devastated and worried about the virus as much as the next person.