My parents won't see me or my children until there is a vaccine

[Whatsthis1515]

My parents , who have terrible health anxiety at the best of times, have said they won't see us until there is a vaccine. They are in their late 50s. Generally good health.

They keep calling themselves vulnerable and when I've expressed my excitement to see them when we are allowed to, I've been told they won't until there is a vaccine. I mentioned maybe me bringing the kids into the garden and seeing them from a distance - I was told no because the children will be too tempted to come close.

I keep seeing other people saying their parents are not taking lockdown seriously. Mine are taking it to the extreme and are believing the dailymail headlines.

I feel devastated that they've told me this. Is anyone else in the same boat?

Are they furloughed or will they be expected to return to work soon?

weallHaveWings

Has no-one told you that our brains spontaneously combust as we blow out our 50th birthday candles?

@middleager
Exactly. Thanks

I have health anxiety and it sounds like your mum does too. It’s so frustrating for you OP but it’s so hard to get through to someone with anxiety and make them understand that the danger they fear is unrealistic. She ought to speak to someone about it but she has to accept she has a problem in order to see improvement

Whatsthis1515 So you are making a choice in the situation you are in

Sounds like you resent the fact that you can’t make the same choice as your parents

We are in our 50s we contracted the virus and I can tell you now they have good reason to be scared. Nearly 50 days on we are fighting post viral symptoms and my usually active husband can't get through the day without crashing out. Stop being flippant op and understand this virus has much more significant meaning for them than it does for you obviously. Most people in their 50s won't get it that badly though. I have an elderly relative, almost 90, advanced dementia, so thin she looks like she has been starved, she got Covid and had a bit of a cough, very slightly raised temperature and suffered less than she does with an ordinary cold. We shouldn't all be assuming the worst, it is bad for our mental health.

My DM is in her 80s. We live near each other so I do her shopping and drop it off and stand on the other side of the road and have a chat with her. Once lockdown is over, technically I will be able to go in and see her, give her a hug, which I really want to do. Will I actually do it though, because I would never forgive myself if I gave her the virus and she died.

The OP's parents are in their 50s so less at risk than my DM but there are still risks. I think some form of social distancing is going to be with us for some time.

Regarding the age statistics - I understand that more older people die because older people are much more likely to have underlying conditions and/or be frail.

I think looking at age stats alone is misleading. The OP with type-1 diabetes is statistically more at risk than her 58 year old mum with mild asthma (assuming the mum is otherwise fit and healthy).

Diabetes, obesity, heart conditions etc are all huge risk factors no matter the age. A fit older person will have a higher risk factor than a fit younger person, but not higher than an immune-compromised young person for example.

Yes, other younger people do get more serious cases and die, but those are statistical outliers. I know an 89 year-old who recovered from a mild case, but I don't think that should inform the behaviour of 89 year-olds. He was lucky.

Ultimately, everyone is going to have to understand their own risk factors and see how they can manage these in regard to their life commitments. Not many late 50 year-olds can cut themselves off from society indefinitely.

Good luck to you OP!

Their behaviour is ridiculous and unnecessary.

You don't have a choice op. You will have to live with the risk- unless you die!

Your parents do have a choice to protect themselves. Why shouldn't they?

Wait until they're in their eighties and want you to come running back and forwards to look after them., tell them "No" because you might catch "old".

They are being beyond sensibly cautious. They are just being stupid.

(When you do finally get to see them, prime your children to say - loudly - "Who are those people, Mummy?" "Do we have to go in? Their house smells funny." etc)

Yes I guess it's frustration in part as well that they tend to be more doom and gloom. I prefer statistics that the majority of us will be fine.

My brother has had it (confirmed) and it hardly touched him.

I know I can't change their opinion but seriously I'm not the awful, selfish daughter that so many of you are assuming I am. That's really unkind and we need to be kind to people in this situation.

Your kindness to my mum hiding away from the world until there is a vaccine shouldn't mean you'll insult me.

Thanks

As a 60 year old GM who is longing to see her granddaughters I find that very sad. I think there is a lot of scaremongering. Can you reassure her by telling her you are isolating and not mixing with lots of others? I can understand having mild asthma makes her slightly more vulnerable and if she is normally paranoid about even catching colds it was inevitable she was going to go to extremes with a virus such as this. I agree with others that just leave it for now as we are not supposed to be mixing with other households now anyway but when we know the terms of the lockdown reassure you will do things like isolate for a few days before seeing her to protect her. How old are your children?

So I think your parents find you hard work op, but your reaction I guess I hit a nerve. In turn, you find them exasperating because they want to take as few risks as possible. I would use the situation we find ourselves in to examine the dynamics of your family. You will not be the first or last person to be in a dysfunctional relationship.

Your mother needs to seek help for her anxiety

That. Many posters seem to have overlooked the bit where you said that, pre-Covid, your mum refused to see you for a month before her holiday in case she caught a cold from you. So this is not just understandable Covid concern.

Can I also say your injured feelings and sense of injustice seems much more deep rooted, do you think they are making excuses to not see you? If they are not seeing you for an entire month before a holiday on the off chance you may have a cold then that is very strange (and deeply hurtful). If deep down you feel your parents are deliberately alienating you then the Covid thing is really irrelevant, because if they are, and this is the latest of a long list of reasons to distance themselves, then you have a point.

Have they always been like this towards you?

@Whatsthis1515
Do either of them work?

Why don’t you suggest some counselling services for them? Depending on where they live in the country the risk of contracting the virus do varying hugely. It might be useful to have some counselling to enable them to get a realistic gauge of these risks and have a better perspective on the trade-offs associated with distancing themselves from loving family members for a prolonged period. But they have to be open to the idea....if they’re going to put their hands over their ears and sing la la la, then sadly, there’s nothing you can do other than just drop the issue completely.

@Biscuit0110 you have no clue about the relationship I have with my parents. Up until March we had lovely Sunday meals together every Sunday and I saw my mum a few times a week. It runs no deeper than frustration with her anxiety, I can assure you. It's very unkind for you to tell me they find me hard work - they really do not!!!

My feelings are deep rooted in having to live with her health anxiety for so many years.....having to hide if I have a cold, or a sickness bug. Her not seeing us literally for a month before any holiday she goes on. Her calling the hairdresser's before an appointment to check no one in there has a cold. She's a healthy woman, apart from her anxiety. But she won't admit she has a problem.

I feel sorry for your mother op, that must be very hard for her to live with. I don't doubt it can be annoying for you, but it doesn't sound like fun for her either.

@Biscuit0110 yes it is. Just wish she'd help herself

Biscuit0110 - I am not aware of the OP having suggested anywhere that she thinks her mother is having fun.

Whatsthis, it must be hurtful and as you say no one on here knows what your relationship with your parents is like.

I think it is sad that someone who isn't in a high risk group is so scared. My MIL was another who always worried about her health, she was always on about her asthma, honestly in 30 years I never knew her to have any problems with breathing, she didn't have an inhaler but she swore she was seriously ill with it. For the 60 years till she died she "knew" she had breast cancer. The proof? Well she had lumps in her breast after my husband was born, she didn't breastfeed and she had some pain in her breast for several days. Nothing anyone said could convince her she didn't have it. I think she had very real mental health issues so tried, often unsuccessfully, to just listen and nod.

On the other hand I try to be very positive with my kids, they all live along way from us and they phone and I always emphasise we are well, I've got a delivery slot for shopping etc. The result? I think they think we aren't taking it seriously and I've started getting lectures about old people (the cheek) not taking it seriously. Honestly you can't win.

Hopefully when the headlines calm down a bit your mother might as well.

I've done huge amounts to reassure them but they are always fixated on the dailymail headlines.

Perhaps stop.

If your mum is rather 'dramatic' then this is the way you have been expected to behave - your Mum gets upset about something and everyone makes huge effort to calm her down and "help her cope" with whatever has caused the upset. You all work round it and change your behaviour to minimise her upset.

So don't.

As PP have said, just agree with her, say you are sure she knows best.

Don't try to talk her round.

Don't try to find a way for her to see the DGC in a way that fits in with her restrictions.

Don't go out of your way to schedule multiple facetime calls or special trips to wave from the garden (this would be for her benefit, not the DCs and may well upset them).

Just agree and say you'll sure she knows best.

Then get on with your life, accept she's choosing to miss out. And most importantly, remember your father is also choosing this life, he is not a child, he could just refuse to stick to her rules, he could tell her she's being silly. He is obviously getting something from enabling the drama around her health. (Many men like having a wife who's 'delicate' who needs to be looked after.)

Step back and get on without them in your life for a year.

When everyone isn't fussing around her, and she can see everyone else is happily getting on with life without her, she might realise she's being silly.

(Have they taken early retirement or is your Dad expected to give up work? Again, don't engage in discussions about this, don't even bring it up as an issue, it's their problem to fix, nothing to do with you.)

I think you are ridiculous op.
Age is the risk factor.
I would rather see my parents when im not likly to kill them, that would be worse for the GC.
My mum is shielding so im hoping the vax comes in sept as predicted. I dont see what the rush is.
As time goes on more people will be immune or eventually vaxxed decreasing the risk.
By the end of the summer maybe 20% could be immune like in nyc so already that might slow it a bit.
It's not just the dying (and countries have refused to ventilate 60+) it's the long term likely health issues - heart and damaged lungs. And possible reinfection/reactivation