My parents won't see me or my children until there is a vaccine

[Whatsthis1515]

My parents , who have terrible health anxiety at the best of times, have said they won't see us until there is a vaccine. They are in their late 50s. Generally good health.

They keep calling themselves vulnerable and when I've expressed my excitement to see them when we are allowed to, I've been told they won't until there is a vaccine. I mentioned maybe me bringing the kids into the garden and seeing them from a distance - I was told no because the children will be too tempted to come close.

I keep seeing other people saying their parents are not taking lockdown seriously. Mine are taking it to the extreme and are believing the dailymail headlines.

I feel devastated that they've told me this. Is anyone else in the same boat?

OP, you say that you love your mum unconditionally - and you mention in your first post that your parents have 'terrible health anxiety' yet absolutely every concern of yours is in relation to you and your children. Your parents are in anxiety crisis and their ages are immaterial really. The whole press has been busily eroding any sense of self or ability to make decisions in respect of personal safety.

If your mum has at any time been on mumsnet or any other chatboard since the end of February, I'm surprised that she's not popping pills and necking down hard liquor because the boards have been rabid with nonsense.

What have you done to reassure them? Make them feel better and less isolated/more hopeful? I've perhaps misunderstood your posts but they do seem all about you and your children and what you need...

zap the discussion is now about releasing restrictions by age, and as difficult as it is age is a factor when it comes to dying from CoVid. You are right to say not every supermarket worker can just stop working just because they happen to be over fifty, and we are grateful to those that go to work every day regardless of the risks involved. That said, if some people feel their risk is greater due to asthma, years of smoking, obesity etc they would not be wrong!

Over 50s men in particular are now low risk.

Your parents are taking a view that they would prefer to make their risk as low as possible, and who can blame them when you see the news....

*not

Your posts also have a slightly demanding tone, an expectation of your parents and what they should be doing, even a sense of entitlement. And now almost sullen response that they won't accommodate you.

Could it be that they find their relationship with you hard work?

@Biscuit0110, perhaps you mean over 50s men are at high risk?

I'm not far off your parents age OP, and I am working in a school with key workers kids. A lot of nurses and doctors who returned to the profession to help, are in the same age range and many are older.

There is a sense with a lot of NHS older staff and teachers that I know that it's our job, it's what we do, so we take as much care as we can, and just get on with it. But that doesn't mean we are not worried and anxious and know we are more at risk - it's on my mind every time I go into school.

I can see where your parents are coming from, health anxiety is crippling. But remember we are at the peak right now, and anxiety is heightened. Don't assume that your parents will feel the same in a month or two's time. Well done on respecting their wishes, and try not to feel hurt, although I understand you do. People are scared, and over-reacting sometimes is inevitable.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
I've done huge amounts to reassure them but they are always fixated on the dailymail headlines.

@Biscuit011Respectfully, please piss off. You cannot analyse me or my parents feelings about me based on a post on Mumsnet. I'm not going to rise to your comments.

Bollocks is it necessarily attention seeking. They are worried. Give them a break.

@SophieB100
Thank you. It's very true, things might change with his they feel.

Biscuit0110 - could it be that your questions are deliberately offensive? In one breath you say the OP’s parents are reasonable in their reaction, then in the next, suggest it is because they find the OP hard work.

And yes, there are a lot of people in their 50s and 60s who are running shops, who are working in the NHS or care homes, and everyone is very thankful for what they are doing. But they do run a risk in catching it and at least being quite ill for several weeks. Most of them probably don't have a choice. OPs parents do have the option to reduce their risks to closer to zero.

All I keep thinking is that your children won't get to see their grandparents at all ever again if they contract the virus and die...

Isn't it a kind of weird denial not to take every precaution with a virus that has killed thousands of us in a matter of weeks?

Leave them to it.

I should say I don't underestimate the virus. I really don't want to catch it, but I guess I'm more pragmatic and know that life has to go on at some point and that statistically, the vast majority of people that get this virus, survive it.

But as alot of you say, this is their choice to make and I will have to respect it.

I wonder how your parents get their shopping OP? I'm not in the same boat at all- I was looking after my grandchild for the week after lockdown, so we just kept doing that, and I'm older than your parents. I feel sorry for your dad and wonder if he wants to get out more. Could you perhaps arrange to meet up once a fortnight with your Dad - or would that mean him having to sleep in your parent's spare bedroom? Depends on how much you are exposed to infection, too. I'd like to think you can work something out- but more probably with your Dad in the first instance. Obviously, a newspaper is the last thing they need.

I honestly cannot believe the sneers on here: this is a serious virus and I can see why OPs parents (putting aside the self absorption) might feel that given the choice to have a deprived life for a year but to stay alive for another 30 years they are prepared to make this choice rather than see someone who gives them a bug that kills them. It’s a cost benefit choice and it’s not unrational. It’s cruel to suggest punishing them for that decision, however hard it is for the OP.

Perhaps they just want a break from seeing the grandchildren and a bit of peace! For every grandparent crying into their sheets at present due to this may be another more than happy to be saved hard work family visits!

@wobblywindows
He literally wouldn't be allowed to - mum is very good at the emotional blackmail.
They use Tesco home delivery for their shopping and ironically when Mum couldn't get her normal teabags on her shop, their 65 year old friend sourced some for her and dropped them round on their doorstep?!?!? Mum is very much a princess....!

@Xenia haha I think you could be right!

In our neck of the woods there's something about being allowed to stay with 'a friend' (or presumably, family member) if there's a falling out at home. I'd have the spare bedroom ready just in case it gets too much.

That's not very nice OP. You seem quite resentful.

Your mum and dad are prioritising their health and rightly so. You could set up skype, phone calls, it's never been more easy than it is now. If you're positive and enthusiastic about doing this with your children then they will be too and it will keep the relationship going. Because that's the important thing, isn't it?

I think you just need to step back and leave them to make their own decisions, my parents (late 80s) are the complete opposite, not interested in self isolating, going shopping and for walks. I am early 60s myself, so older than your parents but I am out and about, volunteering with vulnerable people, shopping, hiking and (ssshhh) seeing my parents once a week.

yes but its all hypothetical we have had serious pandemics before and 99.9% of the population are still alive. sitting at home hoping that you won't get an airborne virus thats more than likely been doing the rounds for many moths over the winter way before lock down will never make sense to me. coupled with the added insults of a grossly under funded NHS and no testing and flights coming and going from all over the world is just stupid. It just seems like the government want to put the blame on US rather than spend the money and the common sense needed to fight it! I am done with fear and stupidity!

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
That's exactly what we are doing. Lots of facetime etc . I'm only ranting in private. I just feel sad and frustrated at the complete change to our lives. I am very kind to my parents and continue to be so.

OP - you have grown up with this, so you probably are in a better position to judge re your Mum's issues.

I think you need to prepare for not having them in your life for a very long time. At least a year. You don't need to say anythign to them, but mentally step away. I would be careful about letting them speak often to the DCs so they don't pass on any issues or fears. That might be hard for your parents, but remember they are choosing this, your priority is to make sure unreasonable panics aren't passed to your DCs - particulary around returning to school.

I wouldn't offer to take the DCs around again, if anything that would be for your parents' benefit, not your DCs. Your DCs emotional health needs to be the priority.

One thing you need to realise, your Dad is chosing to go along with this. He doesn't have to stick by his wife's rules. He is a free adult. Your Mum's issues might have ruled your life as a child and you feel you had no choice but to live with her drama, but you Dad always has a choice. It's hard if you grew up to beleive your Mum's drama couldn't be stopped, but your Dad has decided he likes living like this. Don't feel sorry for him.

I can’t say I’m surprised though judging by many of the hysteria threads I’ve seen recently.

I agree with you OP- it’s ridiculous that they are going to wait until the have a vaccine. (There may never be one- so where does that leave them) Mid to late 50’s is not the vulnerable group.

You just have to read many of the replies and the irrational fear that people have about catching this virus.

People are saying “how it’s an unknown entity- we don’t know what we’re dealing with etc”, we can’t take the risk regardless, 0.02 is still many people yadadada”

I mean even people wanting schools to stay closed until there’s a- a vaccine or b- there’s substantial evidence it’s no threat.

I mean...... it beggars belief, however the way the media are reporting this then it’s no wonder folk are taking it out of context and are failing to see the perspective