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Original poster

My parents won't see me or my children until there is a vaccine

188 replies

Whatsthis1515 · 29/04/2020 22:31

My parents , who have terrible health anxiety at the best of times, have said they won't see us until there is a vaccine. They are in their late 50s. Generally good health.

They keep calling themselves vulnerable and when I've expressed my excitement to see them when we are allowed to, I've been told they won't until there is a vaccine. I mentioned maybe me bringing the kids into the garden and seeing them from a distance - I was told no because the children will be too tempted to come close.

I keep seeing other people saying their parents are not taking lockdown seriously. Mine are taking it to the extreme and are believing the dailymail headlines.

I feel devastated that they've told me this. Is anyone else in the same boat?

OP posts:
packetandtripe · 30/04/2020 04:18

that is very sad but that will backfire; let them alone until there is a vaccine, by then your kids, won't be even bothered to see them... hoist on their own petard. And you OP are free for a few months anyway.

BenjiB · 30/04/2020 04:22

That’s very sad. A vaccine (which won’t work for everyone) could be a year or more away. The children will forget them! You may find that as times goes on they change their minds).

Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2020 04:30

Your mother is who she is, and nothing you do will change it. All you can do is live your own life..

Casino218 · 30/04/2020 04:38

We are in our 50s we contracted the virus and I can tell you now they have good reason to be scared. Nearly 50 days on we are fighting post viral symptoms and my usually active husband can't get through the day without crashing out. Stop being flippant op and understand this virus has much more significant meaning for them than it does for you obviously.

Supersimkin2 · 30/04/2020 05:41

Change the subject, which will be difficult when the only thing they're interested in is themselves. Do it anyway. Do nice stuff without them.

Hypochondriacs are attention-seeking and selfish - that's kind of the point - and I can't be the only person who's thinking you're not missing much OP.

Your DC definitely aren't losing out, and it's better for them to be surrounded by calm and balanced people at a difficult time.

As they age they'll get worse, and as disorders go health anxiety is very difficult to treat, let alone deal with daily. It's a blight for others, which is the first step in recognising how to control it, however, for everyone.

TheSkyWasDark · 30/04/2020 05:43

Just nod and agree, they'll probably change their minds and you can all just get on with your lives.

7to25 · 30/04/2020 05:47

I am in 60s and with no health anxieties. Look at the graph for death plotted against age. Age alone is a significant factor in vulnerability. I read all the "can't wait to see my parents " threads and wondered if the parents would want to see them! I miss my grandchildren and my children but am unwilling to risk my life and health. I do feel too young to die whereas my own father doesn't. Think about it a bit more. I don't think they are being unreasonable.

Aridane · 30/04/2020 05:54

They sound like a HUGE number of mumsnettersnwith heslth anxiety

timeisnotaline · 30/04/2020 05:57

Mum, there might never be a vaccine, so let us know if you change your mind about that approach. Anyway, we are catching up with x & y this weekend, will send some photos!

If she persists with it anyway.

Ponoka7 · 30/04/2020 06:14

I think for people with health anxiety, the best thing for them to do is to watch the science stuff and the interviews on the BBC.

We are beating this. We will have treatments by the end of May. A lot of people have died because they didn't get early hospital support. Now we are less overwhelmed that won't be happening.

We now also know that children don't transmit it on a dangerous scale, if at all. For the same reason men get it more severe, Ace 2 receptor cells.

There will still be a % of death, but at a much lower rate for the under 65's.

But dismissing their fears won't help and you have to let everyone calculate their own risk and live with that. I do worry about everyone on FB who thinks that they can now visit older family, if we come out of lock down on the 7th, because I think we will see a slight rise in deaths, like they have in other countries. We need to be careful for another month until the treatments catch up.

Dirky · 30/04/2020 06:19

Exactly what @PyongyangKipperbang said

It’s often an attention thing, so just agree with her (in fact, take the time she wants to isolate from you and casually drop in you’re also adding another three months to make sure she is extra safe) and make your own social plans.

If your dad has been enabling her behaviour his whole life, that’s his issue to deal with now and his only - often in this family dynamic you get one person who tries to get everyone tiptoeing around their whims and moods. But you don’t need to play.

Your kids and family come first and they don’t need to know they’re “not wanted” and have to beg for attention

rwalker · 30/04/2020 06:47

I'd just agree think when reality of vaccine years away .CV is totally in your face on everything at moment when things clam down and things stat getting back to new normal try asking then.

Yester · 30/04/2020 07:11

Maybe if she is such a pain a year of not seeing her would be no bad thing?

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/04/2020 07:12

I think all you can do is “respect their choice” and not feed into their anxiety but not dismiss it either. I was petrified of getting it because I’m not a well person anyway and colds absolutely floor me. In all likelihood I’ve had it now. But it certainly wasn’t just sniffles and took me a good month to regain any kind of equilibrium.

If your mum gets like this about colds, of course she is going to be totally freaked. You’re obviously the right side of 40 and by the sound of it have good health. In all likelihood you’ll be fine.

At the end of the day, having spent the majority of the past decade very unwell either in bed, on the sofa and more recently having major surgery and needing more, I really don’t see the drama about your parents not wanting to be out and about for what seems like to me such a short amount of time. A year in the scheme of things really is nothing.

bengalcat · 30/04/2020 07:20

Well that could be a long time if at all couldn’t it . I’d just say ok and let them be . As time goes on and on they may modify their view .

Ilets · 30/04/2020 07:22

Enjoy the freedom

Biscuit0110 · 30/04/2020 07:26

I have just read in the telegraph that you are twenty more times likely to die from Covid than a twenty year old, so their fears are completely unfounded are they? If you add asthma into the statistics, then you be looking at reasonable risk.

Feel fortunate for parents that are listening and abiding by the restrictions, it probably means you will have decades to enjoy visits with them rather than a shor tlived visit that ended in death.

I do understand op, it is really sad to be in this position, I have no intention of seeing my parents either until it is completely safe (they are a little older than yours, but not by much) and I am totally okay with that. I would rather they didn't die decades early, completely alone and by themselves, in a frightening ICU unit miles from home thanks to a visit from us!!

Inconnu · 30/04/2020 07:27

OP, my parents have said the same - that they won't see us till there's a vaccine. They have a lot more to be worried about than your parents, as they're in their late 70s / early 80s, but even so I don't think it's the decision I'd make in their shoes (not seeing their grandchildren for months or years).

However, it is entirely their decision to make. Who am I to tell them they're wrong? I am being sympathetic and supportive and making an effort to phone them and make sure the kids all speak to them on the phone too. That's how I'd deal with this if I was you. None of that passive aggressive crap.

user1497207191 · 30/04/2020 07:29

Late 50s? That's ridiculous.

How does the OP know for certain neither has a serious health condition?

My OH is 55 and has cancer - none of our family know - I'm sure they'll too be wondering why we're taking shielding seriously, but we're not going to tell them.

Not everyone with a serious disease is broadcasting it.

Baseline2815 · 30/04/2020 07:30

Frankly, they have a point. Over 50's are at a much higher risk of becoming seriously ill with CV19; people talk of being ill for weeks and struggling to breathe. Calculations of risk keep changing because this virus is still so new, but about 1 in 5 adults are becoming quite ill, obviously a much smaller proportion dying. It's possible that the virus has lasting consequences for the lungs and heart.

I think that you should be supportive of their decision to protect their health. It's a tough balancing act, deciding how much risk to take with health v wanting to see your family and live a normal life. If you are supportive and keep offering the assurance that you will continue video calls until they decide on their own to come out, they will no doubt decide that it's worth the risk in the end.

It's really not about you, or your children. It's about them. Try for compassion instead of irritation.

Mary1935 · 30/04/2020 07:31

Yes ignore her now if you can if she talks about it. Don’t engage and change the subject every time.
I’d actually call her less - she doesn’t appear to bring you much joy.
I’m sure it’s hurtful for you.
You cannot reason with some people.
Take care.

Emeeno1 · 30/04/2020 07:34

Some of the replies here are awful.

Anxiety disorders are clearly not well understood.

LastTrainEast · 30/04/2020 07:34

Whatsthis1515 Perhaps they could be a little less cautious, but you want to put your wants before their health. Think about that. It's only been weeks and there could be a vaccine shortly.

Mine are taking it to the extreme and are believing the dailymail headlines. The ones saying there's a virus going around?

walkingchuckydoll · 30/04/2020 07:37

It's their decision. You shouldn't pressure them to see you if they don't want to. People are dying, that is a fact. It could well happen to them. There is no reason why they should be safe.

I have an older neighbour of 80. Her daughter missed her and came around for a hug. Now my neighbour is on a ventilator in a hospital. I wouldn't want to be in her daughters shoes right now, she might have killed her mother. Even if she didn't, she at least caused a lot of suffering. Is that what you want to risk for your parents?

mathanxiety · 30/04/2020 07:41

Blimey. There are teachers their ages who will be back at the coal face by the end of this year. Nurses. Even men and women who had children in their 40s who will have to get on with life.

Your mother needs to seek help for her anxiety. It can have a deleterious effect on general health. She probably won't because that would interfere with the amount of attention she gets.

@PyongyangKipperbang
Thu 30-Apr-20 00:56:34 agree with your post.