My parents won't see me or my children until there is a vaccine

[Whatsthis1515]

My parents , who have terrible health anxiety at the best of times, have said they won't see us until there is a vaccine. They are in their late 50s. Generally good health.

They keep calling themselves vulnerable and when I've expressed my excitement to see them when we are allowed to, I've been told they won't until there is a vaccine. I mentioned maybe me bringing the kids into the garden and seeing them from a distance - I was told no because the children will be too tempted to come close.

I keep seeing other people saying their parents are not taking lockdown seriously. Mine are taking it to the extreme and are believing the dailymail headlines.

I feel devastated that they've told me this. Is anyone else in the same boat?

Also agree with Mary1935.

It's so easy to be sneery when you're 20's/30's & in good health. - it's pretty nasty.

We are beating this. We will have treatments by the end of May

Maybe? Willing to bet your life in it? 'treatments' will help to change the fact that 1/3 are dying in hospital, it might be 1/4 or 1/5, but it's not going to be 0 or even 1/100.

A lot of people have died because they didn't get early hospital support. Now we are less overwhelmed that won't be happening

It wasn't being overwhelmed that was the problem, it IS the criteria they have set for admission.

We now also know that children don't transmit it on a dangerous scale, if at all. For the same reason men get it more severe, Ace 2 receptor cells

We don't KNOW this, they suspect this. There is FAR more we don't know about transmission & lifelong issues. Including this 'inflammatory disease' they are now seeing in babies/children

Your parents are scared & justifiably so. Stop being so horrible about them.

I'm 55.

Just to say, I have type 1 diabetes so I'm not entirely healthy.

Thank you, for all the opinions. My mum is a very self-absorbed character in all areas of life, so this feels like an extension of that. I'm just going to say 'it's her choice' and not feed into it.

My friend’s niece is in her 20s and currently on life support for Coronavirus, my neighbour in his 50s has just died from Coronavirus and his family are understandably heartbroken.

I think the OP is being selfish and I can’t understand the response from other mumsnetter’s on here who are critical of her parents. It’s not an ‘anxiety disorder’ when the risk is real, people ARE dying. People are more worried at the idea of lifting the lockdown and the infection spreading - which it inevitably will - putting more lives at risk.

My parents are in their 70s and due to age are worried and want to shield. I’m happy to support that, why not try to explain the reasons to your children and stop bashing your mother? If you’re angry at her for other reasons then speak to her about it but don’t emotionally blackmail her using your children.

People are frightened. They are not being ridiculous. They are not being hysterical.

There is undoubtedly a bit of health anxiety underlying this.
But....I have parents in their early 70s who have said the same thing. I'm also devastated, but I can hardly call it health anxiety when one has asthma and the other has had heart surgery. The reality is for some people, we won't be physically seeing our parents for a very very long time and it's awful.

All this..'oooh, if you're over 50 you're so much more likely to die' stuff needs to be stamped on. Most supermarkets are largely staffed by the over 50's in the customer facing roles. What do you think we are doing about it? Refusing to work? Taking to our beds? Who would sell you your vast amounts of alcohol then?

Reason, rationality and being sensible should rule. Wash your hands. stay a safe distance away and keep calm. Your parents have health anxieties which aren't going to vanish overnight, but, like any mental illness, it's very hard to reason with. Once the newspapers start on the 'it's all right to go out and do stuff', they might alter their view.

I’m having a very similar issue with my parents, well my mum anyway.
She’s 61 this year, my dad is 57 and she won’t even leave the house for a walk or to go to the shops. She only goes into the garden. They’ve brought masks online and if they do go for a walk she gets my dad to go in front to look around the corners to see if anyone is coming before continuing.
She has no underlying health concerns. My dad had afib but was never sent a shielding letter, so assume it’s not an underlying health condition in relation to coronavirus.

They have said they’ll see us before a vaccine, but mum said she’ll wear a mask and she’ll be first in line when there is one. Oh and she definitely has anxiety/health anxiety, but won’t admit to it.

That's sad OP. My MIL has basically suggested the same, but she's about 6 hours away so we don't see her very often anyway. She'd have to travel down here and stay, or we'd have to stay with her and she thinks both of those options would be too risky. She's in her 70s. In your case where you could go to their garden (wish my parents were close enough to do this!), well that's just very hard that they don't want to do that. They might change their minds though.

Also my husband who is only 40 had it. He was in the foetal position for three days in bed and lost 4kg. He was out of breath for a week afterwards when doing normal things like walking or talking. We shouldn't underestimate it because we are bored of hearing about it.

My mum is a very self-absorbed character in all areas of life, so this feels like an extension of that

If you have such a strong dislike for your mother, why on earth do you want to see her anyway? It is actually kind of messed up that you seemingly actively dislike your mother and yet you are complaining about not seeing her in the same breath It reeks of hypocrisy op, sorry.

Your parents are obviously more risk adverse than you are and have the same concerns that many people are feeling. Perhaps show their feelings, concerns, and their not unusual in these time, choices a bit of respect.

I think they have a point. I'm scared about it and I'm in my late 20s, no health problems and don't suffer with health anxiety either. My parents are early 60s but already thinking I might not see them for a good few months if not more. My mum is still working as a carer but (with very few minor health problems) was put on furlough and is now back to one household with PPE.

if you're over 50 you're so much more likely to die' stuff needs to be stamped on. Most supermarkets are largely staffed by the over 50's in the customer facing roles. What do you think we are doing about it? Refusing to work? Taking to our beds?

I am sorry to say that the very same staff you are describing ARE at risk. Especially in a supermarket environment, and if they are not wearing a mask and gloves etc this will be increased.

my daughter thinks her life and her childrens lives are ending if she has visitors even from her close family ...I despair!

I too think there are some shitty comments on here about someone who sounds like they have a significant mental health issue. To those who haven't suffered from it, severe anxiety does present as very self absorbed behaviour. People telling you 'come on, you'll be ok', 'pull yourself together', 'stop being so selfish' and other such comments are not helpful at all. Would you say that to someone who has ASD? Or clinical depression? People with either of those conditions can present as being 'self absorbed' but now we are better educated about them we would be more empathetic towards sufferers, wouldn't we?

OP, this is a very tricky situation. Your parents are extremely anxious about this disease, probably like millions of others, and it's no wonder given all the press coverage and warnings we have been given. They are following advice to the letter. As things change, they may well alter their viewpoint and be less anxious about seeing you. From their point of view they're choosing between seeing other people or dying. It's as simple as that. No one is saying they're delighted with that decision, it's probably really hurting them to not see you all.

Just keep up with the phone calls and Face time for the kids so they can all keep in touch.

It is possible to love a parent even if they are self-absorbed, Biscuit0110 - and, of course, she lives with the OP’s father, so not seeing her also means not seeing him. I fail to see any hypocrisy there.

We do have gloves Biscuit . Masks are pointless from a self-protection point of view.

My point was that if the scaremongering of 'all over 50's should isolate' spreads too far, then what happens to all the shops that will have to shut as a result?

Where I work, all the over 50's are still working. It's the 40 year olds who are 'self isolating for 12 weeks because they smoke and so are high risk' that have brought the place nearly to its knees.

Sometimes being sensible trumps panic and scaremongering. Yes, we might get it. But we're shop workers. We can't just not go to work for the next eighteen months until a vaccine appears. (In context with the OP's post).

I think your response to her is right, OP. Just let her get on with whatever she wants to do, and you get on with your lives. When people are starting to living their lives as normal, she may change her mind. In the meantime, I wouldn't waste your time going over it with her.

@Biscuit0110
Because she's my mother and I love her unconditionally, despite some difficult aspects to her personality?! I am sure that is the same with most people and their relationships with family. Obviously not on Mumsnet.

As I have said, I will respect their choice and get on with our life, when we can

@boffy42
my daughter thinks her life and her childrens lives are ending if she has visitors even from her close family ...I despair

That's because the message to not mix households has been drummed into us all - stay home, stay safe, save lives!

I agree with Pyong TBH. She is playing the "look at me Im sooo vulnerable card isnt she? I am in my 50s with mild asthma too ,yet cant wait to see my family again! There was something today in the papers to say under 10s cannot pass on the illness?There are some people who always seem to want to be older than they are .I had a friend in her early 40s who kept saying she couldnt wait to be a GM FFS! My guess is that at Christmas if not before she will suddenly realise what she is missing!

Why do you think your parents are immune? Or that you can trample over any boundaries they set? They're grown adults. They've made their decision. Isn't that the end of it?

Your Mum might be self-absorbed, but that's another thing. OP its such a sad situation for everyone, but sorry, I don't think they're being unreasonable at the moment. A large number of people are dying, or at least being seriously ill, and age does play a factor.
Of the (few) people I know who've had it, one was in his 50s and hospitalised before recovering enough to be released (and still struggling with breathlessness). It's not irrational to want to avoid that, with all the longer-term recovery time.

I have several family members who are vulnerable (one on the shielded list) and we've agreed we can cope with Skyping and so on until there is a vaccine or powerful treatment.

There does seem to be a real cognitive dissonance with this illness, that it can't possibly be a threat. Do you really think that governments around the world would be locking down their economies, risking recession, if it was just a bad cold or no worse than flu?

She doesn’t see you for a month before holidays in case she catches a cold?! When the average incubation is 1-3 days? Is she normally happy to see you or is she making excuses?