My parents won't see me or my children until there is a vaccine

[Whatsthis1515]

My parents , who have terrible health anxiety at the best of times, have said they won't see us until there is a vaccine. They are in their late 50s. Generally good health.

They keep calling themselves vulnerable and when I've expressed my excitement to see them when we are allowed to, I've been told they won't until there is a vaccine. I mentioned maybe me bringing the kids into the garden and seeing them from a distance - I was told no because the children will be too tempted to come close.

I keep seeing other people saying their parents are not taking lockdown seriously. Mine are taking it to the extreme and are believing the dailymail headlines.

I feel devastated that they've told me this. Is anyone else in the same boat?

@Keepdistance have you even read all the OP's posts? It's clear that her mother has serious health anxiety, and always has had. Do you think it's reasonable that even before CV her mother would phone the hairdresser to check that no-one in the salon had a cold, before she went to her appointment? Or refused to see OP for a month before she (OP's DM) wen ton holiday in case she caught a cold from her?

The DM is 50, not 70.

Late 50s? Blimey I thought you were going to say they were in their 80s.

Sounds like they need some help for health anxiety - and quickly.

There may never be a vaccine. We need to act on that basis, and then if there is one, it will be a huge bonus. Otherwise they will stay indoors for the rest of their (possibly very long) lives. Are they really going to stay at home and refuse to see you for 30 odd years?

This government literally hasn’t the first clue of existing immunity in society at large.

I think there will be a pleasant surprise in that a LOT more have had it without any or significant symptoms.

There is SO much bullshit flying about in terms of disinformation and scaremongering designed to manipulate and some are believing it. As keepdistance so ably demonstrates.

Some people love a drama and make it all about themselves. COVID is bringing out the worst in these people be it through hypocritical virtue signalling, ridiculously overreaction or using it as a method to extract more fuss and drama

Just ignore, they only keep doing this if you let them or react to them as it rewards their bad behaviour

I saw a programme about how they are doing in Iceland. They have done massive amounts of testing and they said they have sequenced the DNA of positive results and can see where the infection came from (I assume there are mutations in various countries.) The surprising thing was how much infection had come from the UK and they said from what they had seen they think the infection started to be widespread in the UK much earlier than we thought.

It will be interesting to see what the antigen tests show when we get them.

Age might be the risk factor Keep, but what do you think most late-fifties people are doing? Most of them are still working, if they have jobs to go to... we can't just turn around to our employers and say we aren't coming in again until there's a vaccine...

Op, sometimes we just have parents that are abit crap and make life all about them, if it were not CoVid it would be something else. Its probably better for you and your family if make your peace with this aspect of their personalities, and plan a great array of fun stuff for you and your dc that does not involve them, keep your life happy regardless of their choices.

They are probably too old and set in their ways to change, so all you can do is limit how much they can hurt you with distance. It is shit to have parents that are wrapped up in themselves all of the time, and maybe they were like this when you were small too. Either way there is nothing like a lockdown to expose the cracks, and focus on those that make you feel loved and wanted, rather than those that don't

Thank you so much to all of you for your lovely replies and understanding and advice - genuinely thank you.

Dad retired at Christmas from his full time career but now works part time in a role which is being done from home for now. I assume they're planning on this being long term.

Do you know @Biscuit0110 you have really made me think. I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when I was a young child and Mum is on repeat that 'she never slept again since I was diagnosed and that her asthma got terrible as a result'. I have never known her use her inhaler and she's never been in hospital or seen anyone for this asthma. But it's really showing me a pattern - thank you.

I have tried to explain to her how abnormal it is to phone the hairdresser's etc but she insists it's normal behaviour and lots of people do it. She has told her hairdresser she has terrible health problems to justify it so they pussy foot around her. I got to the same hairdresser's and they always say 'your poor mum with her health' etc!!

@DisgruntledGuineaPig
Thank you for your advice. It's excellent advice and I'm going to do what you suggest for sure

My in-laws are a bit like this. They are in their 70s and my father in law has one kidney.

My parents are also in an at risk group, but happy to take their chances. They are always popping to shops, and wherever they are alive. If I let them into my house, they would be inside putting the kettle on.

Just leave them be, your DM sounds beyond ridiculous, how on earth has your dad put up with her?
It’s pretty shallow that she’s telling people she has terrible health when she doesn’t, I couldn’t abide this.

Where they are allowed even.

@hairy
I preferred the original 🤣🤣

Tbh it does sound like you’re more fed up with the general manipulative nature of her and the Covid situation has just highlighted it.

This type doesn’t change - an ex’s mother was like this, was fundamentally a very unhappy woman, but good at playing the victim and using this to get a few people to surround her and pity her and pay attention to her (and so anyone who disagreed with this or contradicted her was then a bad guy).

They get something out of it, leave them to it. People feel good about asking after the “poor sick elderly mother” and it’s a crazy weird situation but you’ll go crazy trying to engage or explain

Like pps have said your dad enables it a bit (and likes feeling all protective over her) so leave the ball in their court and socially back off.

I wouldn’t organise revenge fun trips or anything, that’s just trying too hard - just detach and get on with your own stuff in private.

Your Mum has clearly has learned she can use her 'delicate' status to control those around her, and to give her higher status than other woman from service providers.

You have been trained by your Dad to pander to this. He obviously gets something from having to look after a delicate wife (note, neither felt your real health issues should take priority over your Mum's mild /fake issues).

Stop. Stop acting like it's the family priority to keep her mentally healthy (as you know her physical health isn't an issue).

Your priority is you and yoru DCs now.

Op, sometimes we just have parents that are a bit crap and make life all about them, if it were not CoVid it would be something else.

So interesting reading this thread as a parent of adult children. I do wonder what my kids make of me. I know I am more worried about the virus than they are. I have controlled asthma that often turns into a bad chest infection if I have a cold. I do think there is a risk of serious illness if I get covid. It's not affecting my life - other than that I am very rigorous in social distancing - but I do see it as threat in a way my adult kids don't.

But a huge part of that is that by the time you get past 50, you do actually know that you are going to die, in a way that I don't think you really do when you are younger. You have seen your body start to age, you now have bits that don't work like they use to. You may, for example, have had an operation that didn't fully sort out what it was supposed to. You have seen the rapid decline of your parents in their 70s or 80s and are all too aware of your own mortality.

If you are a woman in your 50s you may also be experiencing the anxiety that can come with menopause. Not to mention the damage to your self esteem that comes if your adult children treat you with mild contempt and assume your views, values and experience are worthless.

When I see people accusing others of being entitled or making the world all about them, I always wonder what that relationship looks like from the other side. Yes, some parents are crap. But sometimes I think they might just have a different viewpoint to their offspring. who could, perhaps, be assuming the world should revolve around their views and wishes in exactly the same way they are accusing their parents of behaving.

*Just agree and say you'll sure she knows best.

Then get on with your life, accept she's choosing to miss out. And most importantly, remember your father is also choosing this life, he is not a child, he could just refuse to stick to her rules, he could tell her she's being silly. He is obviously getting something from enabling the drama around her health. (Many men like having a wife who's 'delicate' who needs to be looked after.*

Totally agree with this. Actually, if you agree with her and say yes, we shouldn't see each other for at least a couple of years. Then emotionally distance yourself a bit, the way she responds to this will show you where this is coming from and if its genuine anxiety. If she says "thank you for understanding" then its likely genuine. If on the other hand her reaction gets angry or it starts ramping up, wanting sympathy then you know its not really genuine and is a ploy to get attention. So agree with her. get on with your life and dont see them. See others once lockdown has ended and see how she reacts. If she starts down a "poor me" route then you'll KNOW this is just another way to manipulate you.

Thank you .

Interesting update this afternoon @AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter
Mum called me and said 'I bet your in-laws are the same' and I said 'actually, MIL has said that she will be banging our door down the second she's allowed to' and Mum said 'well what a fucking hero she is, what fucking amazing grandparents'

OP will you be going back to seeing everyone (possibly with the exception of your parents) once lockdown is over? Will you be considering the risk of spreading the virus? Even if we are allowed to see many people I will still be cautious, the virus is still going to be around.

There are conflicting reports whether children can spread it, so if your DC start mixing with other children will you be mindful that they could pass it to their GPs?

@Whatsthis1515 and what did you reply?

I also wouldn't play along with her supposed health problems with the hairdresser.

'well what a fucking hero she is, what fucking amazing grandparents

See? that doesnt sound like the type of thing someone who is innocently just worried about their health would say does it? That sounds like pure vitriol to me

I think it’s up to them to balance their own risks and make their
Own choices.

What if there isn't a vaccine though they aren't going to see you or the kids for two years 😳😳 my parents both in their 50's still come over and stand in the front garden and bring sweets for the kids and have a five minute chat with them at a distance.
I know my family wouldn't cope without seeing my children their the only grandchildren and think my mom would rather catch it and take her chances. I do understand but it's going to extreme levels saying they won't see you what if there is never a vaccine 🤔

Tbh I’d be using this as the time to go low contact, your DM sounds exhausting, manipulative and vile.

@ineedaholidaynow
I'll be very cautious but will need to work etc. I am also type 1 diabetic so in a vulnerable group.

Just putting little ones to bed. Will reply to the rest when they're asleep