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Bereavement

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My son has died

207 replies

dandelionfluffy · 29/10/2026 20:14

On Sunday my gorgeous DS died aged 14. I was in his bedroom as he hadn't been that well in the night but I checked his pulse and breathing and lay down on the other bed. Two hours later I woke up and he was blue and stiff.

He had epilepsy but they need to do an investigation if a child dies suddenly so we had to be at the hospital all day answering questions from the police. They have now issued the death certificate.

I can't really think what else to say but I wanted to put something on here - this isn't my long term username but I lost my mum in July also and set up a new username. This is just about a million times more awful. It feels like it isn't the same planet as losing an elderly parent. Not even the same universe.

We are currently in negotiations about how he will be buried but we are churchgoers and we will have his service at our regular church. We do feel relieved that the funeral service will be comforting and we don't have to make too many decisions.

My DD is 12 and she is clearly trying to be ultra busy. She's been to stay with a friend for a couple of nights and is going trick or treating with a friend. She was supposed to be spending half term doing things with her brother. She says she doesn't want to be an only child.

We have friends around us, one friend came to stay for a couple of nights and we have people locally who support us. Some friends have chipped in to send us some Cook meals. Everyone is being so lovely. I almost feel like I haven't got enough to do but then I break down in tears over a text message.

OP posts:
dandelionfluffy · 31/10/2026 16:19

We are still here and trying to work our way through the funeral. We will probably have to have a cremation straight after the funeral but we need a way to have some kind of goodbye ceremony as his body goes to the crematorium as we don't want to go there and leave all our friends and family at the church. There will be too many and we will be too wiped to go on to a venue, so we're planning to have tea/biscuits/church ladies' cake at the church and then go home.

We are going to get Lego botanicals and probably donate his Lego to the hospital children's ward.

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dandelionfluffy · 31/10/2026 16:25

Oh and we've also set up a donation page for his memory. It's mainly to send to people going to his funeral, but I put it on X (IYKYK) and someone has just donated £100!!

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LadyMacbethGotABadPress · 31/10/2026 17:04

OP I feel for you and can say (as thankfully many cannot) that I understand.

My young adult daughter died almost exactly a year ago. Totally unexpectedly.

My husband and I and our 2 younger children remain beyond devastated. I am not going to make this post about me.

But I did want to come on here to give a piece of advice (if I may). Do not be catapulted into deciding on cremation or burial or your son’s final resting place too soon. You absolutely can insist on a few more days to decide this. If you are able to pay for a bespoke funeral you get an awful lot of say in what you want.

You might also want to have your son home the night before the service. We did and memories of that night bring a lot of comfort. You won’t necessarily be offered the option. But it is there is you ask.

Our daughter’s grave (with my mother) is a place of continued solace and comfort for us.

I know you are concerned about not leaving friends and family on the day of the service. And I understand that. But truly the day is all about your son and his immediate family. People will wait for you.

Don’t discount a municipal cemetery if burial is your preference. Some are beautiful (and I know some are not).

What I am trying to say is don’t put the convenience of the funeral attendees on the day ahead of your long term ability to properly mourn and commemorate your beloved boy.

I hope the coming days bring you some peace.

And I love the Lego botanicals idea.

Sending hope and love on the darkness.

dandelionfluffy · 31/10/2026 17:11

Thank you so much @LadyMacbethGotABadPress.
We wanted to have food at the church because that was very much a "him" thing, helping with the cake and drinks after church, and we can leave whenever we want to.
We just want him to be in the churchyard, and we are still thinking about burial but the council cemeteries are not somewhere we will go every week, unlike church. So probably for us a cremation after the church service, and then burying the ashes later, would be the best thing.

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LadyMacbethGotABadPress · 31/10/2026 17:27

I understand what you say @dandelionfluffy I was concerned you might have been rushed into a decision. Your beloved son sounds a wonderful young man and your plans sound perfect.

Please forgive my interfering, just one more thing - we have all found that having a lock of my daughter’s hair and her fingerprint on jewellery to be a comfort.

We also took quite a lot of photographs of her in her beautiful coffin (she was an artist and we had it adorned with her illustrations). I don’t look at then often. But I am glad I have them.

I hope your church community sustains and supports you in the days (and years) to come.

With my most heartfelt prayers for you and your family.

LlynTegid · 31/10/2026 17:29

Sorry to read of your loss

dandelionfluffy · 31/10/2026 17:35

Thank you @LadyMacbethGotABadPress - we were offered his fingerprint and we took that up plus some hair so that's a great thing to do with them.

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StickyProblem · 31/10/2026 18:21

So sorry for your loss OP. Sending love.

dandelionfluffy · 01/11/2026 12:38

We went to church today and really glad we did. It's a really small congregation but that means everyone knows us. We think we have a date for the funeral and we also heard from the vicar that she can go to the crematorium with him to say goodbye so we don't have to (just not keen on two services). She can also arrange for a wooden cross to be placed on the day.

The funeral directors have a selection of grave markers that are laughably awful but we know we have ages to decide on that and there are lots of nicer ones about.

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Besidemyselfwithworry · 01/11/2026 12:45

dandelionfluffy · 29/10/2026 20:25

He loved animals and Lego. Also travelling new places and Scouts.

We were thinking we could make flowers from his (huge!) Lego collection but I had a go today and the pieces that make up monster trucks and Star Wars ships aren't the right shape for Lego flowers (in case you don't know, there are builds called MOC that aren't kits but that give you instructions for loads of alternative builds).

I’m so sorry for your loss

How about ordering some Lego flowers and then as a family assembling them for the funeral, and then you can keep your creations afterwards? Maybe some of his friends/scouts would like to come and help.

Apotofrealcoffee · 01/11/2026 12:49

I’m so glad that the church community is a comfort to you OP, it’s lovely to have such close knit support ❤️ I’m sure your DS would be very proud of how you are doing.

Specialneedsnightmare · 01/11/2026 13:00

I'm so deeply sorry for your loss op. There are just no words for the enormity of it. I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing.

scarletthollie5 · 01/11/2026 15:45

I am so sorry, life will be a blur at the moment , take it day by day. Accept offers of practical help and look after yourself.

l have sadly lost 2 daughters one 12 years ago and another 10 weeks ago. 💔

NooNakedJacuzziness · 01/11/2026 16:39

@scarletthollie5- I can’t imagine what you’ve had to deal with, I hope you’ve had lots of support ❤️

Alfiemoon1 · 01/11/2026 21:04

@scarletthollie5 and @dandelionfluffyi am so sorry for your losses

dandelionfluffy · 01/11/2026 21:33

scarletthollie5 · 01/11/2026 15:45

I am so sorry, life will be a blur at the moment , take it day by day. Accept offers of practical help and look after yourself.

l have sadly lost 2 daughters one 12 years ago and another 10 weeks ago. 💔

Oh I'm so sorry @scarletthollie5.

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chillibuns · 01/11/2026 21:40

As the mum of a 14 year old, I can’t imagine your pain. I’m so sorry.

Sunloungerhogger · 01/11/2026 22:47

OP I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. Sending you and your family love and strength. I’m glad you’ve got lots of support around you. I know the wise people of MN will always be here to offer support as well day or night if you want to talk.

dandelionfluffy · 02/11/2026 21:44

We have heard from DS music lesson centre who are hoping to post our charity page on their FB. He had a really special bond with his guitar teacher and also one of the support staff at school and I know they and his Scout leaders will all be affected.
He didn't have a huge circle of friends but I can see how many people loved him.

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DeftGoldHedgehog · 02/11/2026 21:52

You might be able to get nicer grave markers on Etsy, OP. So very sorry for your loss 💐

dandelionfluffy · 03/11/2026 18:18

We have a friend staying, and we have a funeral date. We are making Lego flowers. DD went back to school today, and she really needed to.

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PedroBargui · 03/11/2026 19:13

oh no…

endofthelinefinally · 04/11/2026 11:42

I am so sorry for your loss. It is a long hard road when you lose a child. Flowers

Diddledeedo · 04/11/2026 11:51

Horrific - sending condolences

dandelionfluffy · 04/11/2026 11:56

We have been asked to go and see his paediatrician to talk about what happened. We are definitely not ready to do that.

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