DH died,family like vultures, advice please.

[Sudagame]

DH died a few weeks ago after a long illness. We had no DC together but his family are driving me mad. Funeral not for two weeks and already have been bombarded with requests for specific items from his lock up, golf clubs, power tools etc to name a few.. l let one SS into the lock up, who up to then was the only one who hadn't asked for anything so l thought l would give him the golf clubs as he shared that hobby with his dad. I told him l was giving him the golf stuff from his dad as l thought he would've liked that. l told him l was unhappy with other members of family continually requesting stuff even though not even had funeral yet.
He came with his wife and sorted out the golfing stuff he wanted, but they were looking round and noticed the power wash and hedge cutters amongst other things. The wife started making comments about the power wash, 'dont get rid of that will you' When l asked why, was told because they will 'have to borrow it'.
Of course l was so taken aback l couldn't think what to say'.
They then carried on looking through stuff and l just got them out as quickly as l could. But not before SS had said to his wife that he would come back and pick up the power wash for her at some point .
I am really upset ,l am always very vocal about never being a lender or borrower and they know this from my complaint about other relatives (some had asked to borrow tools as well since DH died)
I am really disproportionately upset and dramatic l know but l feel betrayed as these two have really supported me and l thought were different as up till now never asked for anything.
I feel as though l have none of DHs family left now unless l join their 'everything is communal' mindset.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Had you been married long? It’s a terrible thing when your whole life has to change. I’d say stop now. Wait. Tell them you aren’t well enough to think about it just yet. That you’ll sort through things quietly, as and when you are ready, and will check with them before taking things to the charity shop.

Did he leave them anything directly, or has everything gone to you? There’s such a difference between asking for dad’s watch and picking through his garage.

That said, I got frustrated with mum because she kept offering me and my sons absolute junk like briefcases with broken clasps from 1975, and then gave things that would have been really useful to random people that she saw in passing. It all got really frustrating- lots of talk about needing help, then refusing to let anything go when we were there trying to help.

If it is their dad they have every right to sort through his stuff.

Personal effects, yes, if OP lets them, assuming OP is the sole beneficiary. Not household equipment like a power washer that OP will still need.

Tell them to respect your grief and to stop behaving like vultures ffs

Sorry for your loss

an you just say in repeat “I am too distressed to think about this yet. I loved him and miss him so much. I can’t abide the thought of his stuff going anywhere just yet “

Some people are awful. A friend’s half sisters went round her parent’s house with coloured post-its to claim certain items before her dad was even dead, and despite the fact that it was her mum’s home.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Grey rock them until you have the energy to tell them to fuck off.

Only if they're named executors. Even then, someone with any sense of decency would at least wait until after the funeral.

Specific law varies, depending on whether the OP is a resident of Scotland, another part of the UK or a different country entirely.

This is the last thing that the OP needs to be worrying about. Besides, if they're in the UK, no one should be taking anything until after confirmation or probate has been awarded. An inventory might need to be made.

The poor woman is going through hell the now. The last thing she needs is this nonsense.

I could never imagine my husband going on like that if his Dad died, his Dad has been married to his current wife for twenty years. If my Dad died I wouldn’t go to my Mum two weeks later and start staking my claim. It is so grabby and disrespectful.

Actually they don’t unless their dad left it to them , it belongs to the OP and whilst it would be kind to let them choose some things the OP is also entitled to his personal stuff . @Sudagame stop dealing with them , get a family member or friend to field calls / texts until you feel ready to cope with them .

Of course they don't!

I think this is his child. What about his grief?

Donate the entire lot to charity op.
If dh had wanted them to have certain stuff he would have told you.

Bet you won't see them for dust however you deal with things.
Sorry for your loss.

His sons have every right to have stuff of their dad's that they want or need. I wouldn't take kindly to my dad's wife trying to get in the way of that if I was in their shoes.

On what basis? It doesn’t sound like they have been gifted these things in the will. How do they have the right to sort though household belongings when many will be jointly owned with his wife?

di you have good relationships with your family and with people in general?

If he were that grief stricken, his first thought wouldn't be his dad's golf clubs: he'd be more concerned with helping to organise the funeral.

Surely the stuff belongs to op? It’s not theirs.

Sorry for your loss.

Unless he left things in his will to them this is untrue. Everything goes to the wife - the OP

and even if she is planning to let them have stuff , it’s incredibly greedy and selfish and uncaring to be charging in before the funeral

You think that the power washer is a family heirloom?

It depends on who owns the things.
A power washer is just as much OP’s property as her dh’s.

Sorry for your loss

Won’t you need some of the things they are fighting over? What are the terms of his will?

Thank you.

I'm just waiting for someone to say that the offspring should be entitled to take the furniture from the house as well.

I dont understand, surely these items are related to the maintenance of the house you live in and will continue to? Why on earth would these people think they can take these things.

Sorry for your loss, this situation sounds awful.

I'm really shocked that they have swooped in so quickly. Poor man hasn't even had a funeral yet I wouldn't give them anything.

I think it’s about entitlement and behaviour to be honest. Anyone with any sense would wait until the funeral has passed and then ask politely if there is anything they could make use of. Already demanding before the man is buried is a bit harsh.

Not in law. In England and Wales if there is no will all personal effects go to the surviving spouse automatically. If there is a will the executor follows what the will says.

If the OP was talking about her husband's clothes or something else that was very personal it would be clear that the relatives were looking for mementos. However, saying 'a power wash would be useful, we'll have that' is different. Grabby is the word that comes to mind.

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP.