DH died,family like vultures, advice please.

[Sudagame]

DH died a few weeks ago after a long illness. We had no DC together but his family are driving me mad. Funeral not for two weeks and already have been bombarded with requests for specific items from his lock up, golf clubs, power tools etc to name a few.. l let one SS into the lock up, who up to then was the only one who hadn't asked for anything so l thought l would give him the golf clubs as he shared that hobby with his dad. I told him l was giving him the golf stuff from his dad as l thought he would've liked that. l told him l was unhappy with other members of family continually requesting stuff even though not even had funeral yet.
He came with his wife and sorted out the golfing stuff he wanted, but they were looking round and noticed the power wash and hedge cutters amongst other things. The wife started making comments about the power wash, 'dont get rid of that will you' When l asked why, was told because they will 'have to borrow it'.
Of course l was so taken aback l couldn't think what to say'.
They then carried on looking through stuff and l just got them out as quickly as l could. But not before SS had said to his wife that he would come back and pick up the power wash for her at some point .
I am really upset ,l am always very vocal about never being a lender or borrower and they know this from my complaint about other relatives (some had asked to borrow tools as well since DH died)
I am really disproportionately upset and dramatic l know but l feel betrayed as these two have really supported me and l thought were different as up till now never asked for anything.
I feel as though l have none of DHs family left now unless l join their 'everything is communal' mindset.

This. In spades. And I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a terrible time for you. If I may offer some advice? After my much loved mother in law died, their lovely and very wise family doctor told my dear father in law to take a year before making any decisions. Don't rush anything at all.
Don't do anything until you are completely ready. And don't apologise for taking your time.

No they don’t. If he was the OP’s husband it belongs to her now.

Im sorry for your loss op. I hope you have someone who is there for you in real life. 💐

I think you need to gently remind them, that some of the things like the power washer etc, you will still need to use for the house.

You don't have to give them anything other than the things in the will, it sounds like you have been more than generous and thoughtful with what you have done for them.

They sound entitled and grabby.

If they ask for anything else, tell them your are not sorting anything else out until after the funeral and you feel ready too.

Take care of yourself.

You're all grieving - I wonder if the requests to borrow tools are really their way of saying "we still want you to be part of our lives / close enough that we can share infrequently used tools, even though we were only related though marriage" It comes across as grabby, as everybody's emotions are heightened.

You can reassure - you're not getting rid of anything at the minute, you're trying to work through each day till you get to the funeral.

You should look at your own will to make sure any precious items are left to your children / other relatives as appropriate but that doesn't need to be now.

No they don’t. The OP is next of kin.

This drives me mad. I've heard of this so often. Horrible people. The stuff is YOURS to do what you want to do with. Keep your nerve and don't give stuff away, if it's surplus to your requirements you should ask a fair price for it, and if they won't pay then eBay it.

I'm sorry for you loss op. Your OH's family sound incredibly rude. Tell them to back off and you will contact them when you are ready to get properly into sorting stuff.

I am so sorry for the loss of your DH. I know how awful that is as my own DH died in March.

It's hard enough trying to come to terms with a loss of that magnitude and it must be being made a million times worse now that your DH's family are behaving in such an appalling and entitled manner. They are indeed like vultures.

Tell these twats that they can buy their own power washers and other tools. Surely you will need your own tools around your house and garden anyway. Don't let them bully you. Stand firm. Your DH's effects are now yours to do with as you see fit and it sounds to me like you are being very fair to his family, but they are cheeky fuckers and are not being at all fair to you.

Make no decisions about anything until YOU (not they) are good and ready. There's no rush, you go at your own pace. They don't get to demand anything or dictate.

I've just been through a similar situation to you obviously and I really would have been beyond upset and furious if DH's relatives had behaved in any such a way. They haven't and I am very grateful to have been left to my own devices. Dealing with his will and estate has been quite sufficient and isn't complete yet.

As an aside, funnily enough I have two sets of golf clubs now. They were my DH's, but as with everything else are now mine and I have never even played golf in my life. Not decided what to do with them yet. Maybe I could give it a go at the driving range for comedy value.

Tell these vultures bluntly to back off and wind their necks in. Don't worry if they take offence. They are not worrying about offending you so who gives a shit about their feelings.

No they dont Al his stuff as you put it was left to his wife they can pick over it when she is dead There are mirror wills in place!

But these aren’t “his” things. They are household items which belonged to you both. He bought the power washer to presumably wash the patio that you both own - as an example. It’s grabbing bits of an estate that they do not actually have an entitlement to. So - shut up shop. They’ve got the items their father wanted them to have and now you are going to take some time and let the dust settle. None of these decisions need to be made now. Or next month . Or even this year. You need to tell them. Let’s see their compassion towards you before they see how the power washer works.

Not unusual behaviour unfortunately. I watched Ring doorbell footage of people removing TVs, laptops, furniture, and toiletries from my Ddads house in the 36 hours it took me to get there after he died. Some people are completely shameless.

I was in shock and couldn't fight back at the time. I wish I had told everyone to get the fuck out and been more assertive with the vultures.

Agree with this. Would wait until probate is sorted. Then only when you feel ready to do so. Should you start sorting out possessions.

Keep all the household and gardening stuff. Tools etc

It is very upsetting and painful to lose a loved one to say the least.. Never mind havings relatives who just sound like a bunch of parasites

So commiserations to you.

Look after yourself .

Best Wishes.
💐

He sounds really grief stricken going around and emptying the co9ntents of his step mother's house - bloody vulture

Tell them no. Tell them they are behaving like vultures. They have the golf clubs . No to anything else and if they do not like it tough shit. Tell them to stop turning up and it is your home not theirs and all the stuff is now yours. If they have a spare key change the locks anf get a ring doorbell. Keep that bloody power wash on principle.

Unless he made a will or told you this is what he wanted then absolutely not. Batten down your hatches and take time to grieve.
I’m so sorry for your loss and sorry you have to deal with this.

Ah the family heirloom that is the jet wash..
Bloody cretins all of them op.

I’m flabbergasted at these children

Sorry for your loss

I like the comment ‘I’ll see what I can do’

but also why on earth do they think they can have your tools etc I mean you might need them one day

its crass and far too soon - he left them something which you have given to them and they should be showing you far more respect during these early months

And still, despite your disapproval, this poster is correct.

This thread is the perfect demonstration as to why the law clearly sets out what happens when a death occurs. It is a time of high emotion, and some people haven't the sense they were born with, let alone basic manners or empathy for anybody else's situation.

Edited to correct poster responded to.

@Sudagame

This.

Maybe they’re responding to your actions so quickly, thinking you’re having a clear out so it’s fair game. Maybe it’s time now to stop, allow yourself some time to pause and breathe. They can bloody wait to get anything else!

Sorry for your loss. 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss. People can be really thoughtless.

My friend died a few years ago when we were living together, and her family came to help clear out her things. They decided to take the hoover as she'd bought it, and made me feel so grabby for requesting it stayed in the flat as it was purchased for the flat.

Time to make it very clear that nothing can be given away until probate is cleared and further demands will be met with blocking.

They haven’t swooped in. OP invited SS in to have his dad’s golf clubs. His wife has suggested they borrow the power washer not just take it despite OP never lending anything. Maybe his wife isn’t aware of her stance of never lending anything. SS hasn’t taken it.

Stop taking things over that you think they will like. You are not a waiter at a tasting table, you’re a grieving widow with a funeral to arrange.

my siblings and I will be in a similar position when our Ddad dies ( if he goes first) and I just want to say no way would we be behaving like this. They are being greedy and it's nothing to do with grieving their Dad and I think you need to start saying no because these are your belongings not theirs to take.

When my mum died my brother and sister swooped in and took all the electricals, big tv , iPad , desktop , phone , literally anything of value ..
asked me what possessions left I wanted ,
disgusting behaviour , I can see why you feel this way OP , keep strong .. power washers are only about £50/60 and you don’t have to give your household items to them at all
sorry for your loss