DH died,family like vultures, advice please.

[Sudagame]

DH died a few weeks ago after a long illness. We had no DC together but his family are driving me mad. Funeral not for two weeks and already have been bombarded with requests for specific items from his lock up, golf clubs, power tools etc to name a few.. l let one SS into the lock up, who up to then was the only one who hadn't asked for anything so l thought l would give him the golf clubs as he shared that hobby with his dad. I told him l was giving him the golf stuff from his dad as l thought he would've liked that. l told him l was unhappy with other members of family continually requesting stuff even though not even had funeral yet.
He came with his wife and sorted out the golfing stuff he wanted, but they were looking round and noticed the power wash and hedge cutters amongst other things. The wife started making comments about the power wash, 'dont get rid of that will you' When l asked why, was told because they will 'have to borrow it'.
Of course l was so taken aback l couldn't think what to say'.
They then carried on looking through stuff and l just got them out as quickly as l could. But not before SS had said to his wife that he would come back and pick up the power wash for her at some point .
I am really upset ,l am always very vocal about never being a lender or borrower and they know this from my complaint about other relatives (some had asked to borrow tools as well since DH died)
I am really disproportionately upset and dramatic l know but l feel betrayed as these two have really supported me and l thought were different as up till now never asked for anything.
I feel as though l have none of DHs family left now unless l join their 'everything is communal' mindset.

No they don’t. It’s not their stuff unless bequeathed to them. Grabby little sods.

Won’t you need the power washer! There going a bit far here

I agree with previous posters - they need to be told all this discussion of his belongings is totally overwhelming at the moment. Maybe give them a day to go to the lockup after the funeral and just leave them to it - if you think there's anything you really want, then go there before and get it, and leave the rest to them.

I presume you still have a hedge which needs cutting and a drive/patio which will need power washing at some point. Why on earth do they think they are entitled to them. Please don’t “lend” them…..you won’t get them back.

im sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

My Dh died 8 years ago. We’ve had a complete bustup in the family due to anger and distress and grief, and some stuff I’ve done and some stuff they’ve done. It seems to be pretty common tbh. It’s incredibly sad and painful. It’s made the death itself much worse.

I would try to avoid flashpoints like who gets what and when; you’d have every right to take your time with this. Have some therapy, look for support elsewhere. There’s a lot of grief and pain going round and it is awful when all the relationships you previously had start falling to pieces. Maybe it’s inevitable but at least try to slow the pace of it down.

Sorry for your loss. However we need more context.
was there a will?
how long have you been with their father?
was this their family home?
what is your relationship like with them?
if your DH had a long illness, was all of this discussed before he passed?

it is their dad and they will want some of his belongings. But you all need to tread carefully, and respect his wishes and his will

They have absolutely no right to anything in your home that wasn't left to them in the will. And it's not even just HIS stuff they're after. They're after household tools. Do they want the bloody lawn mower and oven too? It's your home. And he was your husband. Everything belongs to you.

Send a message to everybody.
I am very much struggling with my husband's death and all that I need to do. I will sort through his possessions in my own time and anything I do not need or wish to keep i will set aside. When I am ready everybody can go through it all together and decide what you would like to keep for yourselves, then if you could be so kind and helpful as to arrange the rest to be donated it would be greatly appreciated. In the meantime, please do not send me messages, call me or come to my home requesting things. I will let you know when I am ready.

And then if the requests keep coming you say "no, I have gone over this, I will let you know when I have sorted through what i am keeping and what is available for the rest of the family. I won't be giving or lending anything until then."

And if you get "that's dad's stuff and we're entitled to it." "This is my home, it is my stuff and I wont discuss it any further or allow anyone to come into my home and pick over my home while I am grieving. I wont discuss this further, you need to leave"

Rather than letting them come to your house to pick over what you have set aside. Take it to one of their houses. Then you don't have to watch them fight over his stuff, don't have to get involved in conversations of "where's dad's watch, I want that" or people looking round your home for other things they want. And they can then take the rest to the charity shop for you and save you more work.

People can be so stupid . If you previously had a decent relationship don't let SS wife ruin that . It seems like she was just thinking aloud . Anyone else just tell them that you are not able to deal with things right now ESPECIALLY when there hasn't even been his funeral yet . Hopefully it will shame them . Or even say Shame on you ,I am only recently widowed and walk away .

How terrible. My sister in law turned up the day after my father died (having not been seen for a year while he was unwell and I gave up my job to care for him) and labelled up things in the house she wanted to keep. Vultures is the right expression. Needless to say after that relations have been non existent.

Not in OP’s HOME they don’t!!

This is perfect

Only let them take stuff that was your husbands, don’t let them jsut take stuff that you’ll need. They’re not entitled to go through his stuff, it all belongs to you unless he prepared a Will saying otherwise.

I’m sorry for your loss @Sudagame 💐.

My DH died 18 months ago. I was happy to part with his stuff to anyone who wanted it. I’m still trying to shift bits.

Everyone is different though.

Quite!!!

I have nothing to add that PP haven’t already said but please, mute them all and focus on yourself.

I’m sorry for your loss.

OP, I am so sorry.

There will be a time for ensuring that family members have keepsakes, items of sentimental value, things left in the Will. And this is not that time.

It is upsetting that the Dss who came trampled all over your lovely impetus to give him Dad’s golf clubs.

Tell them that the time will come but you are currently too overwhelmed with grief to take any more requests for ‘stuff’

Not two weeks before their father's funeral.

disgusting grabby insensitive behaviour.

@Sudagame my fwiw advice is not to have a wake after the funeral at your house. Arrange something down the pub or local restaurant.

youll be overwhelmed by the funeral and the last thing you need is that lot rummaging through everything like a grab and run sale.

keep control of your territory - his family has no allegiance to you, they will trample over your feelings. Keep your strong boundaries and keep yourself safe, it's an extremely vulnerable time for you.

Oh OP I am so sorry for your loss and that you are now going through this.
Death brings out both the best and worst in people.
If you can bring yourself to message your stepchildren I would let them know that you are in no fit state to even think about your DH things until after the funeral and that his estate will be distributed according to his will.
The best advice I would give you is simply not to make any major decisions. Take as much time as you need to grieve before thinking about dealing with "stuff"

I wouldn't either. His children have more rights to their Dad's personal stuff. imho.

Op I'm so sorry for your loss, you must bexin so much pain and you don't deserve to not be tortured like this - it's not OK.

I would just hold them off until you feel ready to sort through the stuff. Then you can remove what you want / need and let them sort beyond that.

It's possible they think you'll have clear out if they don't bag the things they want. Some people do really go into clearing mode.

Very sorry for your loss 🌹

Given the fact OP said they've been supportive throughout there's nothing to suggest these are angry, disinherited children who have a bad relationship with their father wife. OP did lead with compassion, she was giving them their fathers golf stuff but then they thought they could just come in and take household tools? Not even for the son, for his wife?!

If you went to say take some clothes to remember a parent by would you think you were entitled to take the vacuum cleaner too?

All of his 'personal stuff'? Including items he acquired while he was married to the woman who is now his widow?

A power washer and a hedge trimmer are not personal effects, they are household items that belong the OP. Her DH obviously married her, he chose to share his life with her and so no his children don't have more right to household tools than his wife.

It would be really nice if everyone posting or agreeing that the kids have the right to take whatever they want also says where they studied for their law degree.