DH died,family like vultures, advice please.

[Sudagame]

DH died a few weeks ago after a long illness. We had no DC together but his family are driving me mad. Funeral not for two weeks and already have been bombarded with requests for specific items from his lock up, golf clubs, power tools etc to name a few.. l let one SS into the lock up, who up to then was the only one who hadn't asked for anything so l thought l would give him the golf clubs as he shared that hobby with his dad. I told him l was giving him the golf stuff from his dad as l thought he would've liked that. l told him l was unhappy with other members of family continually requesting stuff even though not even had funeral yet.
He came with his wife and sorted out the golfing stuff he wanted, but they were looking round and noticed the power wash and hedge cutters amongst other things. The wife started making comments about the power wash, 'dont get rid of that will you' When l asked why, was told because they will 'have to borrow it'.
Of course l was so taken aback l couldn't think what to say'.
They then carried on looking through stuff and l just got them out as quickly as l could. But not before SS had said to his wife that he would come back and pick up the power wash for her at some point .
I am really upset ,l am always very vocal about never being a lender or borrower and they know this from my complaint about other relatives (some had asked to borrow tools as well since DH died)
I am really disproportionately upset and dramatic l know but l feel betrayed as these two have really supported me and l thought were different as up till now never asked for anything.
I feel as though l have none of DHs family left now unless l join their 'everything is communal' mindset.

Personal belongings belong to the wife not the children unless specified in the will.

The children have no right to anything. The most incredible aspect is that this poor man isn't even buried. These family members should have some common decency.

Hi again, thank you for all your comments. I have held some things back as very outing but just to answer a few questions.
We left mirror wills as both have DC all adults from previous. Everything went to him or me depending who passed first, then on second one passing everything split equally between all our DC. I have no intention of changing the will (technically l could but would not do this)but they will have to wait till l pass for their share of everything.
The house is jointly owned so goes to me automatically and is outside the will.
Married for 20 years approx.
Have given a valuable item to each of his DC,as discussed with DH (which DC he wanted to have which item) -this does not include the golf clubs which l gave off my own bat, as l said, because he was only one not treating every visit as an opportunity to ask for something else specific on top of what l have just brought them.
I have spent hours clearing out furniture/drawers etc and carefully filled up boxes and boxes of things personal to his DC that DH had kept over the years, think school drawings, cards, photos, school reports and so on. I have also taken them lots of his nice clothes/jackets, anything designer or decent l have given to them, washed and ironed.
I could understand them more if l had shut up shop as soon as their dad died , l have been the opposite in fact.
I was not the OW, or anything like that, just saying. I miss him so much, it was very sudden at the end, so still in shock.l also fully contributed equally to our household and in fact brought a bigger pot of savings to the table.

I’d love you to try and tell my step mother this when my father’s time comes.

No they don't.

I’d also suggest, @Sudagame , that you arrange to meet up at their homes or out and about. Stop inviting them in.

I’m sorry for your loss, genuinely, I’ve been there. However with regards to his kids, you don’t really have any right to withhold their own Dad’s things from them! There’s probably sentimental items they remember from childhood and things they want in order to remember their dad. In which case, that’s not really your place to say no, as it’s not really any of your business.

Of course she can ‘withhold’ their own dad’s things from them. What do you think wills are for?

I can’t believe that you could possibly think that when a man dies, his son can take a power washer for his own wife.

Her husbands belongings that she now owns are none of her business?

Their power washer is none of her business?

You are really are going to have to explain this one!

Exactly. Thankfully my parents remained married so never had to deal with stepparents like this!

Having a snoop round what he can take?

I am really baffled by this. This couple had been married for decades. I assume they bought garden tools together and used them on their joint home. They had mirror will and left each other everything.

the husband identified some items he wanted his children to have and they have been handed over. The golf clubs were additional to this, as was clothing.

should OP give the children their shared household items that now belong to her? Where does it end - the sofa, coffee table, beds, their car? They might have some good quality pots and pans

@Sudagame

I am so very sorry.

You don’t have to justify anything, I don’t even know why you are trying. You were his wife of 20 years, you don’t happen to be their mother- fine, but that doesn’t make you any less his wife! If they were upsetting me I wouldn’t even be communicating with them.

I'd be refusing to speak to any of them until the will is read.

The OP has explained that she and her husband were married for 20 years and very sensibly had wills that set out what was to happen to their possessions after the death of the first spouse. She has also started sorting out things that would be best passed to the children. Why on earth should his children be able to ignore all of this and take what they like from the marital home? We're not talking about family photos or items belonging to their mother.

We do sometimes see threads from adult children on here venting or asking for advice because one of their parents has died and the spouse/step-parents has not let the children take personal items or have any say in the funeral arrangements. This is not one of those cases. Quite the reverse.

Well one of your parents is dead so you just enjoy the power washer you must have raced over to get before the funeral because you think that’s a normal way to behave.

Step parents like you what? Like the OP, who is understandably upset about the fact that 2 weeks after her husband of 20 years has died (and before they’ve even had his funeral), his children are going through her garage trying to take away their shared belongings, that now belong to her?

The ‘kids’ have zero right to pick over the day to day items in her home.

Indeed.

This poster is on another thread saying how she has no friends or even acquaintances.
.

No they don't. Not in the slightest.

Of course it’s her business! They are items that are used for the upkeep of her home, and that according to her husband’s will, now belong to her. It was his wish that those belongings now belong to the OP. If he’d wanted his children to have them, his will would have reflected that.
And even if the power washer had been left to his son, 2 weeks after his death and before they’ve even held his funeral would still not be the time to go searching the garage to take it.

‘I’d really love dad’s old watch / that special photo of him / that ornament that gran gave to dad’ = understandable and fine

Digging around your house (that you still live in!) laying claim to whatever takes their fancy = a bloody cheek!

Grabby arseholes. ALL of them. They're owed nothing at all. Literally nothing. Give out what you want to, keep what you like and when you feel up to it consider moving away from them.

You're better without them although it might seem hard now. They've shown you who they are, please believe them.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.