DH died,family like vultures, advice please.

[Sudagame]

DH died a few weeks ago after a long illness. We had no DC together but his family are driving me mad. Funeral not for two weeks and already have been bombarded with requests for specific items from his lock up, golf clubs, power tools etc to name a few.. l let one SS into the lock up, who up to then was the only one who hadn't asked for anything so l thought l would give him the golf clubs as he shared that hobby with his dad. I told him l was giving him the golf stuff from his dad as l thought he would've liked that. l told him l was unhappy with other members of family continually requesting stuff even though not even had funeral yet.
He came with his wife and sorted out the golfing stuff he wanted, but they were looking round and noticed the power wash and hedge cutters amongst other things. The wife started making comments about the power wash, 'dont get rid of that will you' When l asked why, was told because they will 'have to borrow it'.
Of course l was so taken aback l couldn't think what to say'.
They then carried on looking through stuff and l just got them out as quickly as l could. But not before SS had said to his wife that he would come back and pick up the power wash for her at some point .
I am really upset ,l am always very vocal about never being a lender or borrower and they know this from my complaint about other relatives (some had asked to borrow tools as well since DH died)
I am really disproportionately upset and dramatic l know but l feel betrayed as these two have really supported me and l thought were different as up till now never asked for anything.
I feel as though l have none of DHs family left now unless l join their 'everything is communal' mindset.

If it helps, I also had a number of people (non relatives) who wanted to borrow things - tools, equipment. They all managed to then store the equipment later on their own properties, repurpose it and not return it - which hugely added yet another layer of unwanted stress and having to chase for it’s return (with the risk of denial).

I had to learn a hard lesson and give a defined date when I needed the equipment retuned by - if this helps.

“I need the ladder returned back here on 15 Aug when it’s needed for my gutters being cleared”

If I am I am a very bold liar 🤣

So she isn’t allowed to keep the contents of her home?

Should we return to Indian Suttee, and burn the widow at the funeral to make distributing the assets easier?!

This cements it, but regardless they were clearly grabby and appalling even without this.

I'm so sorry. They're not decent people.

My aunt did this too while my grandma was dying in hospital. She had sold loads of her belongings to her friends. They had been also taking money off her for years. Vile greedy witch!

I think the PP meant @emmadoher

Not necessarily, it depends who he left his assets to in his will . If Op is the beneficiary then it’s up to her to decide who gets what

So what?

No not you!!! 😵😵😵

Sorry, the poster you were responding to! Whose mad ramblings were baffling you.

She absolutely is, as I have been saying throughout.

I think we’ve had a string of misunderstandings there. I thought you were criticising OP and saying she had no friends…

NO they don’t.

No!

This is the woman their father chose to marry. He chose to share his life with her. She's not a random woman off the street, she is their fathers family

That marriage is just as legitimate as the marriage between your parents, her being your mother doesnt change what right you have to their shared things after your parent passes. Does the DHs wishes no longer hold any relevance? Would you go nick your mums washing machine after your dad dies because you have a "right to his things"?

Sorry have done a few comments that haven't posted for some reason.
We are in England was one of them. Also there are no family memorabilia from previous generations in our house, no family heirlooms anything like that. I have kept his wedding ring only and one watch that l bought him for an anniversary, though he wasn't one for jewellery , expensive watches etc.so there is nothing else l haven't given them already.
What really p's me off is that whenever l find some thing l think nice/appropriate for them to have and take it round they then always say thank you but btw can l have (or borrow) dad's or DB's <insert whatever power tool, sports equipment, anything expensive basically>.
I get an order put in every time and a lot of times they aren't even asking ,they are telling me they will have xyz.
It's a very much 'give an inch...' situation.

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

I can see both sides here - these are his children, and it is only to be expected that they would like / expect some of his personal items.

I suppose the lesson here is that these things should be agreed in advance so there is no negotiation required later on.

I can imagine they probably feel a bit put out to have not been considered in their father’s will, and they have no control over what you choose to do now following his death.

He left them specific items, I believe, and a will that shares the estate after OP’s death. It really isn’t like they weren’t mentioned. But OP is still running the house and needs the equipment in it to do so! And I imagine she’s feeling pretty vulnerable before the funeral has even happened. She probably suspects she can’t rely on them to come and jet wash for her, with the jet washer they’ve taken.
If it had been the other way round, would they have wanted their dad to be dealing with this?

Do you consider a power wash to be a personal item?

It's like some posters are trying to romanticise the whole thing, turning the OP into an evil stepmother when really it sounds like the OP wants some space to grieve.

It was all agreed in advance. The OP’s DH specified things that he wanted his children to have. These things (such as the power washer) were left to the OP as part of the household, but the children want them anyway.

I didn't have to cope with the immediate grabbiness that you're dealing with and I'll not derail by outlining my own experience, but in the midst of your grief I think you need to develop a 'Fuck 'em!' mindset.

This might not be a problem for you but one of the things that that I found was that I was left dealing with all the arrangements and legal side and then got last-minute performative requests to do with the funeral when it was really too late to make any changes.

It was lockdown and the kids had decided that they would only watch the service online.

I acquiesced to one as best as I could. Another was impossible for me to organise, but the middle-aged child demanding it wouldn't take no for an answer, in spite of my explanation as to why it couldn't be done. In the end I said "I'll see what I can do," in order to stop the relentless demand.

After the funeral was over, they were perfectly happy with what I'd done.

I'm just mentioning this in case you're faced with something similar. I organised the funeral that my DH would have wanted - we'd discussed it, though there was nothing in writing.

Hi op sorry for your loss the family are indeed being vultures. I would just hey sdc dads not even buried and I’m getting a lot of requests of can I have etc. anything that I will need for the house is staying with me. Please let me grieve properly I don’t want to be thinking of getting rid of everything in one go I need to think and sort. Thanks I appreciate it.

IMO unless there are specific items in the will it is up to you to decide if (and what) you let people have.
give yourself some time to grieve.

You can tell who'd take the pennies from a dead person's eyes in this thread.

Sorry for your loss, OP
They have given no consideration to your feelings and needs; tell them to back off and allow you time to grieve

So sorry for your heartbreaking loss.

Hang on a minute. They are his children, sure, but you are his wife.

This is intrusive at a time where the grief must be overwhelming. There is no urgency here that requires everything to be sorted out this quickly.

The only requests I would be granting, if any, would be of the grief-driven "I'd like to see his chair one last time" or similar.

These sound grabby and insensitive, and you are now rightly questioning your whole relationship with them.

Tell them all you're going to distribute his estate in line with the will, and this will be at some point after the funeral to be arranged when you're emotionally ready, and not before.

💐