DH died,family like vultures, advice please.

[Sudagame]

DH died a few weeks ago after a long illness. We had no DC together but his family are driving me mad. Funeral not for two weeks and already have been bombarded with requests for specific items from his lock up, golf clubs, power tools etc to name a few.. l let one SS into the lock up, who up to then was the only one who hadn't asked for anything so l thought l would give him the golf clubs as he shared that hobby with his dad. I told him l was giving him the golf stuff from his dad as l thought he would've liked that. l told him l was unhappy with other members of family continually requesting stuff even though not even had funeral yet.
He came with his wife and sorted out the golfing stuff he wanted, but they were looking round and noticed the power wash and hedge cutters amongst other things. The wife started making comments about the power wash, 'dont get rid of that will you' When l asked why, was told because they will 'have to borrow it'.
Of course l was so taken aback l couldn't think what to say'.
They then carried on looking through stuff and l just got them out as quickly as l could. But not before SS had said to his wife that he would come back and pick up the power wash for her at some point .
I am really upset ,l am always very vocal about never being a lender or borrower and they know this from my complaint about other relatives (some had asked to borrow tools as well since DH died)
I am really disproportionately upset and dramatic l know but l feel betrayed as these two have really supported me and l thought were different as up till now never asked for anything.
I feel as though l have none of DHs family left now unless l join their 'everything is communal' mindset.

Op, everything your dh owns now belongs to you unless otherwise stated in the will. I would stop any visits and say you that you have been advised not to make any decisions in the first year and so are not going to give anything away for now. Awful insensitive behaviour from the family.

I’m a second wife. I love my SDC beyond reason and they would never behave like this. If they did? I would bodily remove them from my property.
It is my house and my home and I’ve spent decades building it with my DH. If he died? They are definitely not coming in and picking over my life. They wouldn’t dream of it and I wouldn’t let them.

What right do they have to rummage through his home ? They would have the right if he died leaving his children everything, but he leaves a wife whose home it still is.

This. They are behaving outrageously.

That doesn’t follow at all.

The answer could equally be that he is heartbroken that his dad disinherited him in favour of OP and he’s angry and trying to make sure he gets something.

You’re filling in blanks and so can anyone.

I will say that I think men who remarry and disinherit their children are pretty awful.

They wanted to borrow the power washer. To me there's nothing especially offensive about that. But I get it that it's not good timing and it's coupled with the way the others have behaved.

Tell them not right now though as you're too upset and busy with sorting out his affairs. Only lend it when you're ready. And make sure to get it back!

We have no idea of the precise circumstances here. They've not even had the funeral - it's impossible that probate or confirmation has already taken place.

Depends if the things their dads stuff or your joint household items. I also think it’s normal to share certain items like power washers, but they should then return it!

Ever stopped to consider how those “children” might have behaved, as adults?
If DC have been disinherited, is there a reason?

A household object like a power washer? Are you sure?

Better nail down the sofa @Sudagame.

I am sorry for your loss. Tell them you will distribute his personal effects according to his will. In the meantime, you won’t be entertaining any demands for particular items. Bloody vultures!

Exactly. But you were happy to decide he wasn’t grief stricken. My point is that we don’t know.

Did he have a will OP? That may make things easier. Or a letter of wishes.

sorry for your loss. That must be so hard and so early after his passing. You’re grieving and it’s no wonder you feel like you do

You are completely wrong. They are entitled to anything specifically left to them in his will, which will be distributed lawfully by the executors in due course. Taking stuff before probate and before lawful distribution amounts to theft. It is highly unlikely the dad left a power washer to his children because as pp said, it is needed for the maintenance of the house that op lives in and probably was bought with marital assets and so belongs to them both anyway.

We don't know he has disinherited his children. Hopefully he has left them something and no doubt OP would offer them some of his possessions after the funeral when she's feeling more settled. Now they are just being greedy and insensitive. Hard to imagine that a power washer has sentimental value.

Why would they presume you won't need to use your own power washer now your husband has passed away? How odd. Just say the golf clubs were the only thing you didn't have use for, everything else is still required so please don't request anything further. Then just ignore them.

I can't imagine that anyone grief stricken would respond by grabbing at his father's golf equipment before there's even been a funeral - never mind all the other comments about the lock-up and so on.

Nevertheless, I suppose it's just about possible that this is how the son expresses his love and grief.

@happybug1234of course they don’t! Unless he’s bequeathed them something in his will it’s his wife’s. And to do it before the funeral? Disgusting behaviour.

My dad and his brother were disinherited by the dad that abandoned them. And they did nothing wrong. Raised in poverty by their single mum.

OP I’m sorry for your loss. Please try to lead with compassion for both yourself and your bereaved stepchildren.

No they don't. The property and belongings are both in and are the OPs home. Are you one of those vultures?

Quite selfish attitudes from the children.

Really?

This kind of behaviour is not that unusual, unfortunately. A friend of mine nursed her partner through cancer. There were no visits from his adult children.

As soon as the partner died, my friend had a phone call from one of the children to say that they were coming to the house to make an inventory. She told them that they would be doing no such thing and that they should see a solicitor.

I too have been disinherited by my Dad. Dreadful SM and all that. So no, it isn’t always black and white. There are still precisely ZERO circumstances under which I’d turn up at anyone’s house, before the funeral and start rummaging through belongings?

My husband’s father has been with his wife for nearly 30 - because he’s his son he should swoop in and go through their stuff? Claim the bloody get washer because ‘I’m his son’.

It’s all so fucking tacky. When my paternal grandmother died, they all swooped in and people were claiming fur coats, jewelry and even the food out of the cupboards and fridge (it’ll just go off). And some of these relatives are doctors, teachers, professionals who have their own homes and possessions.

My father died 10 years ago - I don’t think my brother has claimed the gold clubs and the last thing we would do is remove items that would make my mother feel empty.

It’s just vile OP. Close the door and say you need time to grieve.

Not if he left it to OP and it is now her stuff they don’t.

And even if it’s been left to them, he died a few weeks ago! They should have a bit of decency before they start seeing what they can get out of it.

Ah yes, I often think back to when I lost my dad and wish I’d had an old power wash to ease the grief.