DH died,family like vultures, advice please.

[Sudagame]

DH died a few weeks ago after a long illness. We had no DC together but his family are driving me mad. Funeral not for two weeks and already have been bombarded with requests for specific items from his lock up, golf clubs, power tools etc to name a few.. l let one SS into the lock up, who up to then was the only one who hadn't asked for anything so l thought l would give him the golf clubs as he shared that hobby with his dad. I told him l was giving him the golf stuff from his dad as l thought he would've liked that. l told him l was unhappy with other members of family continually requesting stuff even though not even had funeral yet.
He came with his wife and sorted out the golfing stuff he wanted, but they were looking round and noticed the power wash and hedge cutters amongst other things. The wife started making comments about the power wash, 'dont get rid of that will you' When l asked why, was told because they will 'have to borrow it'.
Of course l was so taken aback l couldn't think what to say'.
They then carried on looking through stuff and l just got them out as quickly as l could. But not before SS had said to his wife that he would come back and pick up the power wash for her at some point .
I am really upset ,l am always very vocal about never being a lender or borrower and they know this from my complaint about other relatives (some had asked to borrow tools as well since DH died)
I am really disproportionately upset and dramatic l know but l feel betrayed as these two have really supported me and l thought were different as up till now never asked for anything.
I feel as though l have none of DHs family left now unless l join their 'everything is communal' mindset.

at an appropriate time they can come and look or ask about stuff that has specific meaning to th, like the golf club. but they have no right to just go through ops home and take what they want. that isn't grief, it's greed.

Could we also acknowledge that the OP has just had her life torn apart and the last thing that she needs to be dealing with is this nonsense?

And you’d go round within a few weeks of your dad’s death to lay claim to stuff would you? I wouldn’t dream of doing that to my dad’s wife, it’s disgusting behaviour.

Whoever he left it to has the most rights to it.

Assuming that you will remain in the house and your life will carry on as normal (eventually) why are they fighting over the contents of the house, you will still need all of those items? They need to wait until you are gone before they start the house clearance. As for personal effects, tell them to put their requests in writing so that everything can be shared out fairly and equally, after the funeral.

I am very much not looking forward to dealing with my father’s estate if he dies before his girlfriend. I know that a live in girlfriend is different than a wife, but the invasive personal dynamic is similar.

Sorry for your loss Op. It must be very hard to deal with the loss, the arrangements and the grabby requests.

Here in Scotland, offspring are entitled to a share of 1/3 of the net moveable estate , shared between them. So looking at bank accounts in the deceased’s sole name - not joint accounts; not houses, or property. IANAL.
They have no rights to pick over house contents which are shared with the spouse, and it’s unseemly to think that they would. And any rights the offspring may have, do not transfer to the in-laws.

Any rights they have would be communicated to them , in due course, by the executor. Other than the 1/3 bit, I think the rest is pretty much the same elsewhere in the UK.

The Op, kindly, offered the golf equipment to her step son. His wife should keep
her nose out, the power washer is not her business.

My parents were still married when mum died. I still had no right to go poking through her stuff, until my dad asked me to help him.

PPs suggesting otherwise, have zero empathy and shit manners.

That’s insane. So they can just go round and take the milk out the OP’s fridge or her telly?

I don’t think his grief will be abated by grabbing the power wash

They have a legitimate claim to items that belonged to their paternal grandparents. Family heirlooms, in particular, shouldn’t simply become absorbed into the wife’s wider family, where their connection to the original family line may eventually be lost.
His children, and later his grandchildren and great-grandchildren, are the ones who will carry on his family line. They will be the generations who ask about him, share stories, and wonder about the man he was. While this doesn’t diminish the love and devotion his wife had for him or the importance of their life together, it’s unlikely that he will remain more than a passing mention in her extended family’s history as the generations pass.
I believe we have a responsibility to preserve our ancestors’ stories and ensure that family heirlooms remain connected to the descendants who will carry those stories forward.

Do you think the jet washer was a family heirloom?

I'll add that the moveable estate in Scotland does include jewellery and cars. That was why my late husband instructed the car dealer to put our car solely in my name, so that I wouldn't have to 'buy back' one third of the car.

This is awful OP, sadly I have seen it happen. Vultures is truly correct. If it were me I would say preferably by email, WhatsApp

Dear all, I am grieving, I am not deciding anything, unless stated in the will regsrging xs property. I will not be gifting any of DH things until further notice. Please also consider some items i have already been asked for are needed by myself for the upkeep of my house.

Please do not come to the house asking for things, as this will only add to my distress, disrespects your Father/FIL, and the answer will remain as above. I anticipate my decisions on gifting items will be months if not years, my grief is very raw and it feels disrespectful to have people coming here just to ask for things. No meal brought around, no cup of tea, no chat as to how I am coping.

Please respect my decision and your Father,/FIL. He is not even buried yet. I appreciate this is a distressing time for all and do not want to get into any arguments. I would be happy to see you all with the condition you do not ask for anything from me, my feelings are very raw and I could do with some support.

Let's see who turns up then

I'm sorry for your loss OP. Did you husband have a will? If he did, it may have stated what he wanted to give to each person. Or it might have left everything to you. If he didn't have a will then you will inherit everything as his wife. Get someone to help you tell these uncouth people (his children fgs!) to leave things until after the funeral.

I was responding to a comment that mentioned “household belongings” specifically. Household belongings can absolutely include family heirlooms. In many families, those heirlooms aren’t worth much financially, but they’re priceless because they belonged to a grandparent or another loved one. My partner has golf clubs, and a knife that belonged to his grandfather. Neither are of valuable monetary terms, but they’re irreplaceable because of the family history and memories attached to them. I have stone, and fossils collected with my grandfather on the beach they mean everything
to me. But to someone else they are just silly stones.
So I don’t really understand the sarcasm but I think that’s a you problem.

Oh yeah, all those moving family stories about the power washer…

Are you insane?

Sorry to hear about the vultures. How long were you married.

I’m really sorry for your loss.
what the fuck are these people all about ?
the golf gear is fair enough but (and I’m sorry if this sounds crass) do they think your patio will no longer get cleaned? You’ll still need all the household bits and bobs!

Sarcasm? It was a genuine question, based on the fact that the OP is about them trying to take a power washer.
The household belongings belong to whoever the deceased person left them to.

Well, hopefully when you die someone won’t pop round before you have even had your funeral never mind any legal and take whatever they fancy which could include your precious granddad’s stones so that their wife can put them in a plant pot for drainage.

Heirloom power washer indeed. 🙄

What absolute vultures. I wouldn’t let them take anything else, surely you will still need to use the jetwasher & tools? Or do they also expect the shirt off your back?

Bloody hell. My DH is my family, as I am his, particularly after decades of life together.
And neither he, nor I, would consider a pressure washer a family heirloom. And DH would be utterly horrified if his DC behaved as OP described. Anybody who isn’t is possibly far too concerned with the “family line”. Or money. Take your pick. Blood isn’t always thicker, or indeed better, than water.

Sorry for your loss 💐

Don't let any of them look at anything from now on. It is your home and unless your DH specified any items he wanted to gift to others they are yours.

They have shown disgusting behaviour. No compassion towards you. I wouldn't give them anything. As pp said you won't see them for dust soon.

WTF?! Not household stuff that is in their joint garage and not within 2 weeks of him dying FFS.

This is nuts... on its most basic level...YOU will need the power washer and hedge cutters for your house...

I am sorry this is happening yhe main advice I always heard as a child was dont make any big decisions for a year after a bereavement.

This should be ashamed though