To think that Julia Hollander who put her severely brain damaged daughter into care did the right thing

[pigletmania]

I have just picked up this weeks Pick Me Up magazine and have read the brave story of a woman Called Julia Hollander and her husband who put their daughter Imeogen who has severe brain damage into care as they could not cope. The daughter is now thriving and doing so well in the care of Tania a professional carer. They are still a part of their daughters life and are involved in decision making regarding aspects of her life.

When this couple spoke out about their story they recieved a lot of bad press and was unfairly vilified by people on Mumsnet who if they have not been in that situation have no idea what this couple are going through. They put their daughter into Tanias care so that she would have a better life, this in itself is very selfless and putting their daughter first.

erm, I guess you've read at least part of the mumsnet threads on this?

I think you'll find that a lot of people who were expressing distaste for what julia Hollander did do, in fact, have first hand knowledge of what ti is like to live with a severely disabled child.

oh, and they didn't "put their daughter into Tania's care" - they were incredibly lucky that Imogen ended up with Tania rather than in endless care or in hospital.

As selfish as it may sound, I think I would do the same if I had a child with severe brain damage. Thinking of the other children and the families happiness, and the proper professional care the child would recieve - would visit often of course! But I do agree with what they did, it can rip families apart, indeed take over, other siblings greatly miss out on a childhood and a happy home.

Just my opinion.

But I certainly don't look down at them. Nor think people should if they have not walked a mile in their shoes and been what they have gone through.

YABU.

And I think completely at odds with what a lot of people on here will think.

Giving your special needs child away can never be selfless imo.

oh dear, this thread could hurt people a lot!

Can't see how giving away your child is putting the child first. My child has special needs - making our lives extremely difficult - yet there is nothing on this planet that would make me give him away, any more than I would give away my "normal" child.

Well now apparently Imeogen is now doing very well and is thriving thats the main thing. It takes a lot to admit that you cannot cope and to give up your child, everyone is different and has different breaking points. At the end of the day the child comes first, if it is better that they are cared for by someone else than their parents than so be it. The mum admitted that she amost harmed her as she was at breaking point surely then its better for the child to be cared for by someone else than to come to harm and be unahppy in that household.

Entitled to your opinion of course but, no, I don't think it's 'brave' to give away your damaged child, go on to have another perfect one (keep that one) and then make a nice little living out of your story.

Is Tania a professional carer?

I thought she was some one who just wanted to adopt Imogen.

I don't think it was selfless, I think they were lucky Tania came along.

You may be right piglet, but I still wouldn't particularly praise the parents for giving the kid away. I might understand, but I think calling it brave or selfless is a stretch.

I have only been back on here since lunch time and I think I would be better to stay away with OPs like this tbh.

Au revoir.

hahahahahahahaha

cos YOU know exactly what it was like, the ins and outs, the struggles, her 'bravery'.....

....from reading pick me up

Yes its just my opinion, she nearly harmed her child fgs.

Our ds1 was severely brain damaged, he couldn't do anything at all for himself and was frequently ill, never once slept through the night, etc and very sadly died when he was 7.

I can honestly say that the idea of sending him away for someone else to look after never entered our heads.

I don't know the ins and outs of the JH case and of course some people just find it a lot harder to cope.

Our son brought a lot of joy and the one thing that people kept telling us when he died was although he couldn't talk, was blind etc he knew he was loved. How many children in care know that?

I think it's up to the individual and to pass negative comment on another person's decision and expect people to think you are right because you have experience of the situation is Crass.

You can't just pick and choose which babies you keep. Okay so I wouldn't want the daughter living somewhere she might come to harm and I'm sure she is living a much better life with Tania but I'm not going to give Julia Hollander a slap on the back for making that decision.

Each family makes decisions based on what they can cope with or live with. Some parents find any child difficult to deal with, SN or not. You have to live with that child or live with yourself should you choose to give up the child. I cannot imagine any parent does that freely and without emotional turmoil. I cannot really see that anyone has more right to an opinion on this than anyone else, either.

Arent we entitled to our opinion then, i certainly dont know what i would do in that siutation as i have never been there myself but i have suffered severe postnatal depression and have been so down about my dd crying from 9am to 9pm with not much help from my dh

'They put their daughter into Tanias care so that she would have a better life, this in itself is very selfless and putting their daughter first.' I think rather they wanted a 'better' life for themselves rather than Imogen.

YANBU. I have always had a lot of sympathy for Julia Hollander, too. I hate the way she is villified on MN.

Piglet - the Hollanders are selfish ego centric twunts.

or at least that was my conclusion given the pages of posts i read follwing the last MN discussion of them.

It is not in the slightest bit selfless to dump your child in the care system because she hasn't been born all pink and perfect.

it cannot be described as anything but selfish.

And whilst i am absolutly certain that there will be a great number of people out there who have not had experience with SN who will think that it is probably something they would consider if they were placed in that situation, you cannot think it anything less than what it was. the easy option!

yabu
do a search and read the threads concerning this.
I cannot beleive you belive the shitty line that they were p[utting their child first.

I believe she is a professional foster carer. She would be assessed, trained and approved by Ss or another agency, who will employ her

Tania has not adopted Julia's daughter, they didn't " give her away". Though you should know that a more appropriate phrase is " made an adoption plan" or similar, some people find it a a bit judgemental to talk about children being " given away"

Are the people on here who call JH "brave" for giving away her own child

a) trolls
b) thick
or
c) secretly wishing they could get rid of their own annoying kids.

Discuss.

Of course you are entitled to your opinion pigletmania.

Does anyone really think a parent could surrender the care of their child and live a better life if the child's was made poorer? My brain cannot leap that far.