To think that Julia Hollander who put her severely brain damaged daughter into care did the right thing

[pigletmania]

I have just picked up this weeks Pick Me Up magazine and have read the brave story of a woman Called Julia Hollander and her husband who put their daughter Imeogen who has severe brain damage into care as they could not cope. The daughter is now thriving and doing so well in the care of Tania a professional carer. They are still a part of their daughters life and are involved in decision making regarding aspects of her life.

When this couple spoke out about their story they recieved a lot of bad press and was unfairly vilified by people on Mumsnet who if they have not been in that situation have no idea what this couple are going through. They put their daughter into Tanias care so that she would have a better life, this in itself is very selfless and putting their daughter first.

[KristinaM]

mamazon - are you speaking personally here or in your capacity as a social worker? I trust you don't work in adoption and fostering

[Harimosbroomstick]

I think you are being unreasonable to start a thread like this in the AIBU topic, to be honest.
Smacks of wanting to start an argument than wanting real life opinions.

THere are several mums on Mumsnet that I'm aware of who have severely disabled children. I don't believe any of them think it's a walk in the park.

I don't think this is the right forum (AIBU topic, not MN per se) to comment further.

[DaisymooSteiner]

Julia Hollander's still peddling the same self-pitying, self-justifying drivel then?

[pigletmania]

I guess that you could say that about people who put their child for adoption because they cannot cope, the childs welfare is paramount and if they are in a negative environment in which they may come then its better for them to be adopted by someone else and have a better life. Mabey calling them brave was not a good thing, but at the end of the day they did the right thing and the girl is happy as far as i know.

[Mamazonabroomstick]

yes every few months she sells her story to yet another drivel packed magazine.
hopefull that mothehrs who have taken the selfish route and still care for their children and love and cherish every moment they have with them, are too busy to read the shite.

i wonder if she sends her fee to a charity?

[fernie3]

I cant imagine giving away my child but if the parents couldnt look after her and she may have been neglected at home they did the right thing. I dont admire them but cant see how else they could have handled it. Keeping a child you dont want is not the right option for anyone (parent or child).

[2shoescreepingthroughblood]

why didn't they dump their other kids as well?

[MarshaBrady]

KristinaM I really didn't know, so the adopted part wasn't meant to be a judgement. I haven't read any press with JH stories in it.

[StinkbotsMum]

I openly wish I could give DC away (sigh). Any takers? Bright cute children, No major SN, but squabble like rabid hyenas. Available separately or in pairs.
This is why I started on the wine before 5pm today.
(Sorry, I know bad form to joke on AIBU threads...)

[DaisymooSteiner]

Oh come off it. They are a rich, priveleged couple who could have paid for lots of support and care if they really couldn't cope on a day to day basis, and kept their daughter living with them. She didn't fit in with their idea of a perfect life so they dumped her. Brave? I think not.

[DaisymooSteiner]

privileged aaagh.

[Mamazonabroomstick]

oh they have absolultely done theh very best thing for Imogen.

Can you imagine having to live with parents who clearly regret the day you were born? who are so obviously and so publically spouting about wishing you were dead?

No one on here would blame a parent for not coping and asking for help. who decides that ultimately it would be best if the child were placed in social care where they could get expert attention. but what angers people about the Hollanders is the way they speak fo their daughter, the way they parade themselves and their situation as the perfect solution to the problem of a disabled child. the way the peddle themselves as brave and selfless.

they are vile

[posieparksherbroom]

Perhaps she is looking for sympathy and validation because she feels so terrible about her decision??? I feel pity for anyone who has to sell their life story to any bit of tat that will print it.

[TheTerribleSpider]

FFS, you have got to be joking.

You really should have read the previous threads before making such an ill judged op.

YABVU

[feellikeafraud]

Sorry, you lost me at "pick me up magazine"

[Babieseverywhere]

I don't judge Julia Hollander for leaving her daughter in a hospital when she could no longer cope, I feel sad for them both.

However I do judge her for writing a book telling the world how brave she was in doing so

I often wonder how much of the profits from the book Julia Hollander wrote, went to Imogen and her carer, Tania ?

[LetThereBeRock]

This thread won't go well. It's a very controversial subject.

I haven't been in her situation and can't say what I would or wouldn't do. Or judge what she should be able to cope with.

I don't think there's anything really different about a person who does continue to care for their child with SN. I don't think they're supermums or anything like that. I've heard people express that sentiment and I think it's quite patronising, but perhaps some people are slightly more resilient than others or more determined or just have the 'get on with it attitude'. I don't know.

I have a friend who has been the subject of criticism recently,not in the press though,because she put her 9 year old ds who has autism into a residential school.
Personally how she managed to cope for so long I've no idea. She and he were so miserable.

She loved him but he was extremely violent, barely slept. I don't think he ever slept through the night. He could scream for hours, hit her and his younger sister, destroyed rooms etc. She was on the verge of a breakdown when she finally managed to get him a place there.

He's apparently happier now as the school is able to provide him with activities, structure and routines that she couldn't give him.

I can't criticise her for that.However that was after 9 years I suppose. Very different from the 3 months or so that Julia Hollander managed.

[posieparksherbroom]

Must read up, never heard of the couple.

[TheTerribleSpider]

Also, if she's doing the rounds again she must be trying to flog her book again?

[2shoescreepingthroughblood]

Mamazonabroomstick well said
lots of people can't cope, but they don't sell their story and make out they are victimes

[saintmaybe]

I wonder if people who feel so moved to call JH brave and selfless do it because it makes them feel better about their own fears and horror towards disabled children? As in, if even a mother feels it was A Good Thing to do this, them feeling that they couldn't cope (as a lot of people do until disability comes into their lives, and actually, they do cope) is ok?

Because otherwise it bloody baffles me

[pigletmania]

i used to work as a carer for adults with learning disabilities and know that there are respite care out there or paying for a carer. Obviously this is a very sensitive topic for many but i did not mean to upset just add my opinion. I have no idea about caring for a disabled child as i have never been there myself i am just commenting on what i read i do not know the ins and outs of Julias situation.

[posieparksherbroom]

Oh, just read. By the sounds of it she was never going to love and accept her child.

[saintmaybe]

Agh, reread and my post makes no sense. I managed to stay off the previous JH threads, should have done the same this time

[fernie3]

Am I weird that i have never heard of these people before reading this thread?