To think that Julia Hollander who put her severely brain damaged daughter into care did the right thing

[pigletmania]

I have just picked up this weeks Pick Me Up magazine and have read the brave story of a woman Called Julia Hollander and her husband who put their daughter Imeogen who has severe brain damage into care as they could not cope. The daughter is now thriving and doing so well in the care of Tania a professional carer. They are still a part of their daughters life and are involved in decision making regarding aspects of her life.

When this couple spoke out about their story they recieved a lot of bad press and was unfairly vilified by people on Mumsnet who if they have not been in that situation have no idea what this couple are going through. They put their daughter into Tanias care so that she would have a better life, this in itself is very selfless and putting their daughter first.

[Arsed]

What vile people .

I bet the children they didn't abandon grow up to hate them.

[cory]

And who exactly are you to decide about the low quality of life of their daughter? Current reports say that Imogen is happy with her new mum. Does it have to be a low quality of life because she has CP?

And where exactly does the limit go? Is any life we wouldn't want for ourselves a "low quality" life? Should I consider murdering my dd? I bet if I did a round of questions round Mumsnet, most of you would say you are not sure you could cope with constant chronic pain? So do I "end her life" (nice euphemism there) tonight?

Slight problem, though- dd actually enjoys being alive, she is probably stronger than me, chances are she would fight back.

[2shoescreepingthroughblood]

cory mine to(wow if she kicks...ouch|)

[alwayslookingforanswers]

I thank my lucky stars that I have 3 NT children.

I don't know if I'd ever be able to cope with a child with SN, although there are undoubtedly many parents who think the same thing but actually do a fabulous job.

I know one thing though, if I had a SN child and after trying to cope for years I found I wasn't coping and had to put them into care I sure as hell wouldn't be shouting it from the roof tops. I'm sure I'd feel like a failure that I was unable to give my child the care that I should have been giving them.

[MaggieEsLaMejorBruja]

Mamazon, well it wsan't down to me obviously, but her parents must have had a good idea. i have no idea who this woman is, I gather she has kind of laid the groundwork to be hated by being quite smug. But I don't know if I could have coped in her shoes.

I have one autistic child and recently when the other one was dx with ADHD I literally threw my hands in the air and screamed upwards, "how much more can I take?????", so, I just can't judge them. Cos I haven't been in their shoes, and I know it's not exactly AWARD-winning to be unable to cope, but admitting it is surely better than 'murdering' her.

[TheFallenMadonna]

I have no idea about the decision to pass the care of their child onto another person. Clearly they weren't the right people to look after her. But the book and the endless articles. And the parading of their wanted children. Now that is indefensible surely?

[MaggieEsLaMejorBruja]

both of those fair points dittany. btw, who is this woman?? why is she famous.

[alwayslookingforanswers]

dittany - this doesn't happen very often - but I agree entirely with you.

[MaggieEsLaMejorBruja]

Dittany, Ok. I get it. I agree with you about 95 times out of a hundred.. (creep) The book is the straw that breaks the camel's back.

THe name sounds vaguely familiar. I@m off to google her now.

[tribeleader]

I understand many of us have a disabled on here and wouldn't ever dream of giving them away but I'm not sure many have been in Julia Hollanders situation. I have been in the exact situation. Many disabilities are not apparent until the child misses milestones, few are given the bleak future Julia and I were

At five days old, I was told my daughter had suffered a brain injury, so severe, she would never walk, talk or even communicate in any way. She had the same black hole. To be told this, whilst that child is on a ventilator and had not even been in your arms is devastating. I can imagine how bonding can be difficult to start. I was told by a professor, to walk away and leave her at the hospital and that was the best cause of action. I didn't but can understand those that do

I understand that Imogen screamed, non stop, for a year. A few months of that, with doctors telling you she understands nothing, including sense of self and being, thinking it will never end as the brain injury is causing it, I can see how it is possible to think I can't do this

Also, in foster care, the carers have help. Mere parents do not get this help early, if at all. Respite and extra carers can be found for foster carers. Tania has mentioned this in interviews before

None of know how much input (money or time) that Julia puts into the care of Imogen, so who are we to criticise. I think you'll find this is no longer a foster care setup, so the state is unlikely to be picking up the tab anymore

I personally think, she is brave to speak of her feelings. She didn't hurt Imogen, she put her somewhere safe. She thought it, she didn't do it. If we have those feelings, we bury them, through fear of what others will think of us

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Urgh, I remember the last thread on this subject and how sad it made me feel.

The woman, now she has made her hideous choice, should at least have the grace to stop bleating about it. To Pick Me Up, of all places, her hand-wringing story next to to top tips on how best to make coasters out of fag packets or something.

What a sordid pair the parents are.

OP - this is very ill thought out, you only have to be on MN five minutes to realise that there are many parents of SN children on here who would be hurt and angered by this thread, naturally.

Mamazon - I agree with loads of your posts.

[bigstripeytiger]

Does anyone have the link to Tanias blog? Ive read it before, but cant remember where it was now.

[pigletmania]

Its really interesting to read all the different viewpoints, yes thinking now i would never be seeking publicity, i would be sad and devastated that i could not have provided the care that my child needed. By the way i am not a troll looking for info but just a normal mumsnetetter who made a bad judgement and worded my oh badly

[lisad123wantsherquoteinDM]

from what iread, state is still paying as JH refused to let FC adopt her i kow quite a few people who have SN children with very high needs and they do get support, and not trying to sound rude, not like she couldnt afford to put it in place until social care got their finger out!
I think its clear she gave her daughter away for her and her husbands selfish needs, and not for her dd's own good. just my opinion, and the fact that shes not been honest and trys to sell the woe is me story is what gets to people. If she was honest and said, yep i couldnt do it, I am tooo selfish and unable t cope to cope with the stigma of having a child with SN, I think we might be a little more understanding.

[chegirlknowswhereyoulive]

You cannot force someone to want to keep a child, disabled or otherwise.

Personally I feel its your responsibility as a parent to deal with what life brings you but I cant really bring myself to despise parents who pass that responsiblity to someone else (long sentence).

I do think they were lucky that their little girl got such a good carer. The majority of disabled children do not get to stay in high quality, long term placements. Foster carers are in short supply and not all of them feel they can cope with such high needs.

I have refused testing during this and my last pg. I dont feel I have the right to choose whether I have a disabled child or not BUT I do not think I have the right to tell others that they shouldnt take the choice.

I am not sure what the point is to all the articles etc. Maybe they feel the need to justify themselves or perhaps they will help other parents?

This sort of decision was overwhelmingly common a relatively short time ago. Parents didnt even bring their children home from the hosptial

[MaggieBruja]

Tribeleader, that must have been an horrendous blow. My son was born prematurely and my x never bonded with him in my opinon. To be told that your non-stop screaming child will never talk, walk, understand... it must seriously affect the bonding process.. Not saying that that makes it admirable Just human

[tribeleader]

Neither did I Riven, but I can understand people that do

I know a number of foster carers and tbh, the severely disabled ones go to long term carers and aren't pushed around like packages or are adopted into loving families

Without revealing too much, Lisa you are wrong in regards to the foster/adopt situation of this family, very wrong

[LetThereBeRock]

Tania's blog

[bigstripeytiger]

Thanks