To think that Julia Hollander who put her severely brain damaged daughter into care did the right thing

[pigletmania]

I have just picked up this weeks Pick Me Up magazine and have read the brave story of a woman Called Julia Hollander and her husband who put their daughter Imeogen who has severe brain damage into care as they could not cope. The daughter is now thriving and doing so well in the care of Tania a professional carer. They are still a part of their daughters life and are involved in decision making regarding aspects of her life.

When this couple spoke out about their story they recieved a lot of bad press and was unfairly vilified by people on Mumsnet who if they have not been in that situation have no idea what this couple are going through. They put their daughter into Tanias care so that she would have a better life, this in itself is very selfless and putting their daughter first.

[averynaughtyboy]

Fair point Riven.

I guess at 10 months in I spend about 99% of my time being a "man" about it, and the other 1% wishing he/she/I was dead

I'm not going to post any more for a few hours as I'm probably not in the right frame of mind, guess I'm in that 1% right now

[averynaughtyboy]

Lots of interesting judgments on here. I can understand why people might see JH as money-grabbing, or self-aggrandising. Personally I can see both sides of it. I plan to do everything I can do look after my DS, but at the same time the situation is destroying me and the only reason I wouldn't give him away is because I still love him to bits and losing him would probably just destroy me even further.

I don't think anyone can blame someone who does though, regardless of their opinion of them.

[AngryFromManchester]

jardy

[jardy]

Thank you to 2shoes and bellissima.
I can only emphasise again that the first ten years of caring for my son did feel very rough.Shaving my 22 year old Robbie Williams in the bath at 6:30 am this morning,putting his nappy on him and spoon feeding him his breakfast,then putting my business suit on and grabbing my laptop and going out to work,felt,well,like a normal monday morning.Life feels very messy at times,yes,but no more messy than the average family,which is how I regard ourselves.

[bellissima]

Jardy - that's fantastic but I'm sure totally deserved. i look on the SN section here because I care for a child with a sight disability, but I face nothing, nothing, nothing compared to most on that section, and normally therefore keep out of any conversation - I have no expertise to add, only respect. Frankly the actions of Ms Hollander rather chill me - it seems to me as if someone is saying oh that child was not the one I expected so i'll get rid of it and carry on building my perfect family. But then I ask myself how I would cope and tell myself not to be so quick to judge - walk in their shoes etc - only it seems to me that she didn't walk very far. I don't know.

[2shoeshissbangwhoosh]

thanks Jardy, I would love to hear more about your son, rarely get the chance to talk to people with older dc's(I will call you on sn teens)

[jardy]

Our ds is in his 20s and we have just got the disabled grant facilities,prior to that we were means tested out.The law has changed -we would have had help now.Anyway on a happy note it is wonderful,we did contribute about £5000 and we got the maximum grant of (I think)it is about £21,000.However we wanted the drive widened to accomodate a carers car and also the porch for his wheelchair and that would have gone over budget.However we are thrilled with the result.We did try and get some financial help with furnishings,special bed,etc but could not get any help whatsover from ANY charity.Wrote loads and loads of letters.But I would like to pay tribute to all the truly marvellous mumsnetters,Riven,2shoes,everyone,because this site has really given me the strength to keep going.Thank you!

[2shoescreepingthroughblood]

oh I drug her. I have dumped her at the loacal holiday scheme today and ss paid

[2shoescreepingthroughblood]

no problem oops

[2shoescreepingthroughblood]

ffs how stupid. I suppose we were lucky tah the HA paid for ours. I am a bit pissed off about the bathroom though, the HA bloke said there would be a problem putting a new larger bath in and he thought it might even be done this finacial year, but the ss ot is taking for ever to get the stuff sent to them(the bath is so short dd's feet nearly tough the hot tap!! and I want one that goes up and down to save me kneeling on the floor)

[2shoescreepingthroughblood]

won't ss pay or the hoist?

[2shoescreepingthroughblood]

100 of thousands would not be enough. compensation pay outs are so large cos of the care part, care is soooooo expensive.
if the goverment gave you a few 100 thousand I bet they would then expect you to self fund everything, money would last about 3 years I reckon

[AngryFromManchester]

and the whole point is suuppossed to be that it provides something you need and cannot afford, otherwise why woul;d you even apply in the first place?

[AngryFromManchester]

the trouble is to get any kind of adaptations here under the DFG you need to fund massive amounts of money yourself. My friend had a one room, two storey extention (so one bedroom, one bathroom) and they quoted 60k just for the shell and then they would not let them use their own contractors. It ended up costing them more than if they had got quotes themself

[AngryFromManchester]

I think jardy has a point in that in some areas it is hellish trying to get any adaptations done to your home and it really is a postcode lottery. We are always told the old line that provisions go firstly to the elderly and then to child protection and then to children with disabilities. If you were a foster carer that had taken on a profoundly disabled child to care for, I doubt social sevrices would suggest you house down your child on the backgarden would they? or fit a poxy bath rail which is completely inadequate. They would not be able to because they have to adhere to health and safety and their risk assesments.

[madwomanintheattic]

i think they are discussing hundreds of thousands rather than millions. obviously the severity of the disability would determine how far that would go towards meeting lifelong costs... and i don't think it would replace entirely the medical negligence route. i think some of the scottish trusts have been looking at it quite seriously in the last couple of years. might google around a bit later and see if anyone is actually trialling yet...

[2shoescreepingthroughblood]

that is terrible.
but there has to be some way of working out who gets compensation(and I know how long the battle is) if everyone got a pay out it would be a tiny ammount and just cause more problems

[jardy]

Not angry at the children but angry at the unfairness of the inequality of millions going to one child when there are so many with similar or worse disabilities who get nothing,because causation could not be proved.Maybe angry at the bigger picture of it all.Like the mum who had to hose down her disabled children in the garden because the local authority would not provide the disabled facilities

[2shoescreepingthroughblood]

sorry jardy don't get why you are angry that some children get compensation.
why shouldn't they, they have to prove causation and negligence, once proved the child is entitled to compensation.
can't get why any one would be angry about that(angry about the fact that these children have to fight for it maybe)